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 Need Advice on Moving On - BuddyJ
I would like some outside opinions involving relationships. First some background.
About three and a half years ago I met a girl whom I think I fell in love with. About four
months after we met, she told me she was a stripper in her spare time. I also learned her
family environment while growing up was much less secure than mine. Her parents sold pot
for a living and her dad had a gambling problem which eventually left him on the street
(when she was about 12 years old, I am 28 now she is 25). Thereafter she had an eating
disorder, the one where you don't eat because you think you’re fat when you’re
not. This all happened long before I met her. She overcame the eating disorder but then
had what I would called a shopping disorder. She bought things to cheer herself up,
running up her credit card bills.
One of her boyfriends she lived with turned out to be a convicted child molester and
when she found out, he proceeded to have all of her belongings (except her clothes) stolen
from the place they lived in before she could move out. She turned to stripping to raise
the cash to pay off her bills and replace the things that got stolen. Anyway, naturally
when I put all this together, it painted a pretty grim picture for the future in my mind.
I didn’t think we were compatible since I cam from a very stable, caring family (my
parents are still happily married). However, she said she would stop stripping and I
thought I would give her the benefit of the doubt. I really loved this person and could
tell she was a good person inside. I suggested that she be on her own for a while since
she just broke up with a boyfriend but she somehow convinced me to continue our
relationship. A few months later I found items that left me to believe she was still
stripping. Now stripping isn't necessarily a bad thing to do but it really ended up
bothering me to the point that it affected my appetite! (nothing ever had done that to
me). I talked to a counselor about it when I first found out. The counselor said that in
my mind, stripping was very wrong, and that was really what mattered here. So she was
doing something that my value system was telling me was very wrong and it was tearing me
apart. She said she would stop stripping for sure, and I gave her a second chance
realizing it would be extremely difficult for someone to adjust from making $3,000 per
week to $500 per week.
About six months later she started doing it again behind my back and then finally
stopped when I caught her. To her it was just a job. To me it was a serious betrayal of my
trust. That was about two years ago or one and a half years into the relationship.
Thereafter the relationship went pretty well until about six months ago when she started
complaining that I wasn't as affectionate as I used to be at the beginning of the
relationship. I told her it was natural for that to happen as time goes on, the courting
period was over. Unfortunately this turned into a bigger problem than I thought was
necessary, probably because of the difference in our upbringings: she needed more
reassurance and physical affection to feel secure, I didn't need it and I didn’t
really give it. In my mind I decided leopards don't change their spots so I told her I
would try to be more open and affectionate but not to expect some big personality change,
I am a pretty reserved person.
Since it was three and a half years into the relationship the idea of marriage started
to come into the picture about this time. In her mind it was an almost for sure thing. In
my mind, especially in light of the apparent recent apparent incompatibility that had
arisen, I wasn't sure I could spend the rest of my life with this person, but I wasn't
sure I couldn't. I decided that time would tell. Well it did tell, I caught her cheating
on me about a month ago. The funny thing is when I tell people this, they immediately put
100% of the blame on her. Actually I feel I was probably partially to blame because I
wasn't giving her the attention she needed so she looked for it elsewhere. However that
doesn't make what she did right. Looking back, I almost think subconciously she did it on
purpose because she felt I may have not loved her anymore but she didn't have the guts to
break up so she gave me a reason to do it. She didn't expect to get caught though and the
guy means nothing to her. She still tells me how much she loves me and misses me and wants
to spend the rest of her life with me. I wonder if she forgot about all her
dissatisfaction she expressed with me in the past few months.
Also looking back, I think after the second time I caught her stripping, I closed up
somewhat and never opened back up for the next two years which might explain why she said
I wasn’t as affectionate or attentive and started questioning my love. Anyway, what I
have determined is that at this point I owe it to myself to move on and meet new people to
see if there is someone out there that is more compatible. Maybe then will the picture be
clear once and for all whether it was meant to be with this girlfriend. The break-up
actually has been much less hard for me than her, I think since we spent so little time
together during the final months.
My problem is that I still care about her and I feel like I am abandoning her. But some
say that is co-dependence and I need to do what's right for myself and let her be on her
own and find her own happiness. In order to meet new people and prevent myself from
falling back into my past relationship out of convenience, I enrolled in one of those
expensive dating services that matches you to people they think you will be compatible
with. I don't have the time or resources to meet many people any other way and I am a bit
afraid I will fall back into my old relationship out of convenience unless I meet some new
people. However I am kind of feeling guilty about doing it only a month after my break up
with my old girlfriend still telling me how much she loves me and how much she misses our
cats. I think I am doing the right thing but I am not sure. I think I would have had to
date some other people eventually just to be sure about my feelings for her. Does that
make sense?
I think the real problem is that I am afraid I WILL meet someone I am much more
compatible with while she waits around for me. I am scared of the day I will have to tell
her I am engaged, if that happens, it will devastate her. I have clearly expressed to her
that I will be dating other people and to not wait around. I think it goes in one ear and
out the other. What do you think? Am I doing the right thing at the right time?
 From: Bernd
Dear Buddy, First of all, thanks for the very from-the-heart sharing. A few comments
which might help you in your searching. It is my firm belief that we pick partners who can
help us learn the most about ourselves. There's something subconscious that seeks out the
very type of partners that we "logically" think are incompatible with us. My
guess is that it is highly likely that this woman was sexually abused as a child, either
overtly, or in insidious ways. She had a shitty childhood. Her stripping is probably the
only way she's found to have some sense of power over her life. Without an education, most
women make crappy wages. And she hasn't been given much of a feeling of self-worth by her
parents. My wife was sexually abused as a child - the addictions (eating, etc.) are a
desperate way to try to handle that pain, to have SOME illusion of control, when their
inner self has been devastated by childhood abuse. The book "Women Who Love Too
Much", and it's sequel would be an eye-opener for you, I think. Written by a woman
who struggled with her own addictions, it would very likely give you a lot of insight into
her, and into yourself.. why you chose this girl to have a relationship with.
When we hold up our partner in a relationship to our standards, our values, we are
exercising control, not love. Our partner, because they are "changing for us",
become less of themselves, and that makes them cling even more. The more someone clings,
the more we back away inside - often without realizing it - because deep inside, we know
we can't fill that big hole they have inside. It is only when I began accepting my wife
exactly as she was, that I gave the chance for true healing inside her to begin. And I
discovered there were a lot of hidden things inside me that needed to be healed as well. I
don't think it matters a hoot whether we are with someone in a relationship, or not. Each
relationship has some important lessons to teach us about what love really is. When we
learn those lessons, take those gifts, the staying-together and so many other questions
take care of themselves. The more seriously you search for what this relationship was
trying to teach you, the more you'll begin to see your ex in a new light, and yourself.
The more you'll be able to treat her with genuine love, whether together or apart, and the
more healing and joy each new relationship will give you.
One of the ironic things is that so many people say "I'll never get into THAT kind
of relationship again", yet find themselves getting into another relationship that
brings up the same old issues - like picking a different flavour of ice cream. Different,
but exactly the same. What we don't learn in one relationship, we'll repeat in the next.
That's been my experience; my relationship with my wife keeps offering me a chance to find
the real me, especially during the painful times, and to heal childhood wounds, and to
learn how genuine love works, a little bit more each day. Good luck. I hope you get some
helpful comments from others. Thanks again so much for sharing. |
