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 Dealing with a divorcee - Juggler
I am involved with a woman who is a single mother of
two. Our relationship began as casual friends and
progressed into occasional sleepovers at her place. She
now says that it is bad for her kids to be exposed to
this nuance (indirectly) as to there being a man there in
the morning. My Problems is that I am in love with her
and she has told me she loves me. I feel like she is
trying to disuade me from spending much time due to her
kids. I enjoy their company as well and I am thinking
that this could make a good family someday (tough I am
not planning it out at this time). How can I work to
understand my lady's feelings without feeling shut out?
Thanks
From: Bernd
Often, we say we want to "understand" our
partner - or potential partner - but when we actually
talk and listen to them, we find things don't go the way
we want. Part of this can be because we dread being
rejected, or ending up feeling even more in limbo. It's
my belief that genuine love always means fully supporting
another person's right to make their own choices. This
includes whether they want us in their lives, and how
much, and when, etc. It doesn't mean we have to make OUR
choices based on what they want; we are all free to go
along with any, all, or part of what another person
wants. When I want to understand my wife's viewpoint on
anything, the best chance I have is to listen, and avoid
trying to convince her to see things MY way. If she's
willing to listen to my thoughts and feelings, then I
would tell her as well. In the past, my wife and I
usually expected SOME kind of results, or changes in each
other, when we talked. What works a lot better now is no
expectations.
My gut feeling is that your divorcee isn't sure
exactly how deeply she feels about you, and is also
concerned about her kids getting attached to another man
who might leave someday. And no matter how strongly you
feel about this woman, NO one can guarantee that they
won't leave. Not even me, in my relationship (although
I'd be crazy as a loon if I did!). My guess is that there
is a lot you can learn from this woman, if you make it
your goal to uphold her rights to her choices, thoughts
and feelings, without preconditions. Talk with her, and
really listen. She may decide to deepen the relationship
with you, she may not. Again, that is her choice. In my
experience, the more I support my wife's choices, the
warmer I feel inside, and the less anxiety I feel about
our relationship. Give her the freedom she needs and
deserves, and yourself the same. Take care of your needs
the best you can. If this relationship doesn't blossom
the way you hope, I suspect that it will bring you one
step closer to the relationship that will. These are just
my best guesses. Hope you get some insight from others
too.
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