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 What to do? - Confused
Hi, I have been reading some of the advise letters and
decided to write for a little advise myself. I have been
married in a relationship for 18 yrs, 13 of which we have
been married. We are currently separated, not legally. My
husband has been having an affair for a little over a
year now. I confronted him about the affair or other
woman last December. He explained her away saying that
she was someone he met in church in the foreign country
where he frequents for business. Each time he was in the
US, I could tell something was not right. Even last
spring the whole family (we have two kids) went away on
an exotic vacation, and things between us were not the
same still. Finally in May confessed. I had already known
her name and mentioned it to him many, many times before
his confession. Funny thing is he would not say anything
until the marriage counsellor we saw in May insisted he
tell before the next session. I believe he only wanted to
go to counselling to be advised on how to tell the kids
we were separating.
I know I should hate this man and condemn him to hell
but I my love for him is tormenting my decision. Every
time I would ask him if he wants a divorce he would say
"no", then he changed it to "I don't
know". He spends most of his time away from home in
another country where she lives. He often travels away
from the country as well to do work in other parts of the
world so he doesn't see her constantly while he is away.
Although I am sure he calls her every day or so like he
used to call me. Finally, I could not stand the situation
any more and when we all went away for the recent
holidays I pressured him into telling me to give up on
our relationship. I wanted those words. He said "I
don't see how it could work". When talking again a
few days ago, I asked him what he though we should do. He
suggested a legal separation. I told him that he would
have to file for it because I would not. I bet he doesn't
do it. He is out of the country again until March when he
will probably only be here for two weeks. I can almost
guarantee nothing will be resolved before he leaves
again.
All his business partners know about his "other
life" and are disgusted and have tried to extinguish
it in various ways but to no avail. I have not discussed
any of this with them. His family members that know of
the other woman all tell me he is a lost cause. I
understand his reason for having the affair in the first
place and I have told him that because I understand, I
can forgive him but I think he is afraid that I will hold
it over his head forever. He also knows that if our
marriage is to survive this that he would not be able to
travel to that country again without me for many, many
years until I feel very comfortable in our
relationship/marriage. He has admitted that he still
loves me, but not like he used to. I know in my head what
I should do, but my heart keeps me in this indecisive
state of mind. I believe in marriage. My motto has been:
Better to have tried and failed than not to have tried at
all. But why do I keep on trying? Yes, I go to therapy
and she tells me kind of what I already know. I'm sure
you'll say the same.
 From: The Mrs
I just found this page and I'm reading through and
replying to what ever ones strike me (I'm actually rather
opinionated) but, your letter touched my heart. First of
all, you can't be expected to hate him, he is your
husband (of many years). There are some very good books
on your situation (I have been in similar situation when
my husband was stationed in Korea the first time). I read
one that my pastor recommended by James Dobson called
Love Must Be Tough. I already recommended it in another
letter and I will always recommend it, it is a wonderful
book.
I agree with your attempt to force him into a
decision, at some point he must accept that ultimately
the responsibility lies with him and he can not try to
make you the bad guy. My other suggestion is to find a
church with good biblically sound teaching (I would never
try to shove Jesus down your throat but, I would be lying
if I didn't say that, that is what carried me through
some of my absolute lows) If you have a group of people
around you and supporting you who's main concern is not
what everyone else says but what is best for you then
they can stand with you. I also suggest forgiving him
even if he doesn't ask you to. I heard the other day on
the radio a song that said the person who has offended
you rarely carries the chains and it's true. Although
your husband may be torn I would venture to say it has
alot more to do with his fix than anything else. My guess
is he will continue to do as he has been until he is
brought to a place of accountability. When you do give
him an ultimatum, stick to it, give him a deadline and be
firm. If you say he has to leave if he chooses her then,
put him out. It is the scariest thing in the world to do
(believe me I know)but it is also necessary. Face it
there is more than a moral issue here in the end it is
also a matter of life and death anymore (AIDS) I will
keep you in prayer and hope to hear something soon.
From: Bernd
Hi Confused. Your share struck so many echoes with
what Lynda and I have gone through. It is sheer hell at
times, trying to find your way through this maze.
I'm going to share some thoughts on affairs, and then
tell you what helped us. First, in hindsight, our affairs
were desperate attempts to salvage our own sinking
feelings of worthlessness. When unhealed childhood pain
isn't dealt with in a relationship, it shows itself in a
number of ways, including: couples becoming emotionally
distant from each other; a focus on the "good
life" where money and possessions fill the voids;
affairs; and divorce. What I believe is so devastating
about an affair is that it shakes our belief in OURSELVES
to the very core of our soul. We feel unlovable, and
because our most intimate friend has so blatantly lied to
us about our worth, our ability to trust is rocked. We
feel terror inside, and very very unsafe.
The anger that we feel inside is damned appropriate,
and healthy. What I found really hard was that I had
never had any real practice at feeling anger, and using
it CONSTRUCTIVELY. So I bottled it up, and things just
kept getting worse. You said that "because I
understand, I can forgive him". I found that true
forgiveness is a process, and one that I can't hurry. And
there are no shortcuts. The anger, the rage, the crying
jags, the talking it out with others - all have to happen
before the weight inside really begins to lift. Give
yourself time to forgive, and let it happen in it's own
natural time. All it needs from you is a willingness to
trust the process.
Ok, my suggestions and experience. 1/ Give yourself
time. Right now it seems as if you're on HIS schedule as
far as decisions. Take this back. Your life belongs to
you, and whatever part you're willing to share with him,
is your choice, from day to day. Begin looking at what
YOU want from life that doesn't depend on whether or not
you stay together. 2/ Focus on getting more in touch with
your anger. It's your friend, not your enemy, unless you
decide to use it to hurt someone or yourself. I used to
go for car rides, turn up the stereo, and scream at the
top of my voice, pounding the car seat with my fist.
Helped a lot. I took a canvas bag filled with bottles to
the beach, and beat it mercilessly with a baseball bat,
cursing at the top of my voice. (The canvas bag meant I
left no mess on the beach after I was done). After my
anger sessions, I took time alone, in quiet meditation,
just asking God for direction, to lead me in the
direction I needed to go.
What I believe now - and this feels very solid - was
that my affairs and my wife's were loud wakeup calls. We
could either ignore them, and hate them - or treat them
like fire alarms going off. Luckily, I eventually found a
way to do the latter. I looked at what I was doing in the
relationship, and what I was allowing it to do to me, and
saw that in many cases I was trying to saw wood with a
hammer. I began an earnest search to find out how love
was REALLY supposed to work in my life. All I had were
hand-me-down lessons, which weren't working very good at
all. Through therapy, sharing with others, support
groups, reading, meditation, prayer, journal writing, and
listening more and more to my inner voice, things began
to slowly but steadily improve.
In hindsight now, I am extremely grateful that Lynda
had her affair. Without that wakeup call, I'd still be
trying things the same old ways, with the same old
disappointing results, and I'd be a lot older. It reminds
me of another saying "sometimes when we cry out to
God that our foundations are shaking, it's often God who
is doing the shaking".
Glad to hear that you're going to therapy. Hope some
of this helps. P.S. There's a web site that deals
specifically with coping with an affair. Check out my
"Relationship Links" link on the main opening
page.
Good luck, and hang in there.
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