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 Verbal Abuse - Damaged Shields
I'm 34 and my SO is 33, we've been together for about
a year and a half with the exception of a 2 month breakup
in the summer. He's verbally abusive, and paranoid, and
insecure, and assumes I'm thinking things that I'm not,
and I'm constantly having to defend myself for things
that don't even exsist. When all I want is to just live a
peaceful life and do my thing, he throws these verbal
bricks at me, and then when I try to tell him that he
just hurt me, he blocks me out, and won't talk to me
about it, leaving me to have to go through it all in my
mind and having to make myself feel better. He started
doing this to me within 2 weeks of when we first started
dating. Now it's all built up inside of me, and every
time he says something, even if it's a little thing, that
resmebles something negative, it opens up that barrel of
anger and resentment, and I get all paralyzed. I don't
even like being around him anymore, but I have this
horrible habit of wanting to make things better. I don't
want to change him, I just want him to treat me nicely,
with respect.
We both have our lives full of projects, and I don't
care if he sits on the computer for hours, while I do my
own thing, but even when I'm being understanding, and
we're doing our own thing, he gets all insecure and
accuses me of being annoyed at him being on the computer,
or whatever else. And this is just not true, I'm usually
trying to involve myself in my own thing, but when he
accuses me of being annoyed, then I get upset that I have
to stop and defend myself, and then when I defend myself,
he gets an attitude and doesn't believe me that I was
okay before he got paranoid. There's so many other issues
here too. I've lost my motivation to make our home
comfortable, I don't feel like cooking, or doing
projects, I don't feel like being loving toward him
anymore. He has verbally attacked me so many times, that
I just don't feel good about giving him the love I
originally felt toward him in the very beginning.
After we broke up this past summer, he begged me to
take him back, and for a few weeks he was wonderful to
me. But then he started his behavior all over again, and
now unfortunately we're living together. I'm in such a
depression now I don't know how to get out. He has no
place to go and neither do I. I just feel as though he
really doesn't care about me as much as he says he does.
I will say that reading the Relationship guide has helped
ME alot, but he's not real open to that kind of thing. If
I try to bring up something that's bothering me, he says
things like "Do I have to leave? Coz' i'm not in the
mood for this kind of crap." Then I'll get all quiet
and upset, feeling like I'm in a twilight zone, and
finally he'll ask "Okay, what's the issue?" and
then I'll be afraid to talk to him because he'll just
turn it all around on me, like *I* am the one with the
problem, or he'll curse at me, or say things like
"Oh yeah, it's ALWAYS my fault."
When I tried to date someone else this summer the
whole time I kept thinking, I wish my ex could be this
nice, and happy. I kept thinking about, for my ex's own
good, how it would be nice if he could lose his anger,
and just learn to enjoy life. My point is, if I break up
with him again, and meet someone who treats me with
respect and love, then I'll keep thinking about my ex,
and how if he could just not be so rude, and angry, that
his life would be so much more enjoyable. I know I'm not
suppose to worry about other people that intensly, and I
am only responsible for my own happiness, but I've seen
what he's like, and he's told me some horror stories
about his childhood, so I do understand why he is the way
he is. All I want is for him to not be rude to me. As you
can see, I'm quite confused, and feeling really injured.
I've got a few issues of my own I'm sure, but this has
just been a psycho relationship, and I can't understand
why I've stayed in it as long as I have.
 From: Bernd
It's very depressing and energy draining to stay
within an abusive relationship, hoping that someday maybe
a miracle will begin to happen, and you'll begin to
CONSISTENTLY get treated with more kindness and respect.
That miracle very seldom happens, without someone in the
relationship stepping off the merry-go-round.
First, let me give some thoughts about what I think is
happening. I believe it's likely you came from a
childhood where you suffered through constant physical,
sexual, or verbal abuse, or a combination of all three.
And as you mentioned, he has his own childhood horror
stories.
I don't think it is any accident that you 2 are in a
relationship. You have a lot in common. The problem is
that you both seemingly found opposite ways of dealing
with your childhood pain and shame. I say seemingly,
because from Lynda's and my own experience, we discovered
that we were a lot better jigsaw puzzle fit than we ever
realized.
I suspect that you have real difficulty expressing and
feeling anger. And that he has real difficulty with
closeness. Panic or terror may even be a better word. So
he carries the anger for the both of you, and you handle
the closeness that he has a hard time tolerating. It's an
even swap. Except that inside each of you, it doesn't
HEAL the original pain. It just dulls it for short
periods.
When we've been hurt by the ones closest to us as a
child, closeness becomes dangerous. We never know when
we'll be devastated again. So we create invisible
barriers to protect ourselves, using anger, belittlement,
withdrawal, or whatever else works. It's hell, because we
cut off another deep need for closeness and love, in
order to be safe. Or we disregard characteristics in our
spouse that clearly tell us they can't be trusted with
our own emotionally safety, and keep ourselves locked in
a fantasy that someday they'll BE safe, and loving.
Let's face it, you, him and us got a shitty end of the
stick as kids. Our ability to feel safe, to trust
ourselves, and to genuinely love ourselves got crippled.
It's like we had our legs busted as kids, again and
again, and now wonder why we can't walk 2 steps without
falling and hurting even more. And in a relationship, we
fall down over each other again and again, blaming
ourselves and our partner for each new bout of pain.
"Why can't you just walk straight, damnit????"
I can't heal busted legs on my own. Just can't, no
matter how much I try. I couldn't heal the crippling in
my soul on my own either. What helped me most was
therapy, support groups that dealt with the issues that I
needed to heal most, and a determination to heal, to stop
stumbling so much over my own heart, and Lynda's and the
kids.
Accepting abuse isn't loving for you. When we let
someone hurt us, we also let them hurt themselves. Your
options as I see them are to 1/leave, and likely go
through a similar pattern in your next relationship
2/stay a day at a time, while finding yourself sources of
support and help that will help you deal with his
behaviour in healthier ways for YOU 3/stay, and try to
keep dealing with it on your own, which I suspect will
increase your pain and depression. My experience with
people that have sought out counselling and support
groups is that some of them eventually leave, while
others continue to stay in their relationship - but
regardless of their decision, they usually feel a lot
more SOLID about the reasons they are choosing to stay or
leave.
Again, it is no accident you're in this relationship.
Your difficulty and pain over your partner's behaviour is
like a fire alarm going off, trying to tell you something
very important about YOU. Listen, and talk out what you
are going through with others, who have been able to work
their way through similar experiences to a life of more
fullness, love and peace. Their own personal insight,
strength, hope, and experiences are the miracles you're
looking for. And believe it or not, you will be doing
THEM as big a favour as they're doing for you. You see,
healing is something we can only keep, if we keep giving
it away.
Take care.
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