 Hurt and Finding it Hard to Cope
- Sad Eyes
Recently I stumbled upon a broken promise that my SO
made. It's a long story, but I will try to keep it short.
When we first started dating, I found out that my SO
had dabbled in pornography (videos, playboys,...). When
he saw me cringe at one of these videos he wholeheartedly
promised to never look at this stuff again. I didn't ask
him to make this promise, but he stated it several times
over the next year or so that he wasn't interested in it
and would never do it again. He threw all his old stuff
away and I believed he wouldn't use it again, unless he
brought it up to me and asked if I was interested,...
Of course, you know where this is leading. I stumbled
across some computer scans on pornography and after
confronting it to him found out that for months he has
been looking at, downloading, this stuff. He had to
really sneak around my back to do this, since rarely is
he at home when I'm not. I also found out he was doing it
at lunch where he works.
I am having many problems dealing with this broken
promise. One, I can't believe this guy I love, expected
to spend my life with, have a family with could do this
for months without thinking about the consquences of his
actions. Two, he broke a promise. I think I could handle
if he had occasionally looked at nudy picture if he
hadn't promised not to. Three, he is a VP in his company
and risked getting caught by his boss and subordinates,
which could have led to being fired, to do this. How
could a guy of this magnitude risk this? Three, I know
I'm not suppose to look at what might be wrong with me,
but I can't help myself. He had told me our sexual
relationship was more than he ever dreamed of having. It
is great! Why then would he need to look elsewhere?
......
He has now promised again not to do this ever. He said
he has learned from his mistake and will always keep his
promises.... How do I believe him? How do I respect his
ability to make judgements and weigh risks? How do I get
over thinking this guy is some kind of pervert that gives
me the creeps? How do I stop picturing him in front of
these pictures...? How do I get over the sneaky way he
did it?
I told him I would try and give us another chance.
Then I found out even more to the story a couple days
later. Do I give up the wonderful future that I thought I
was going to have or do I try to learn to trust him
again?
I know noone can probably answer these questions, but
me. However, I can't figure out how to begin to stop
feeling hurt, undecided, unsure,....
 From: Bernd
Sexuality is probably one of the scariest and most
difficult struggles many couples have in their
relationships, especially if it has been connected with
shame and secrecy during childhood.
Childhood sexual abuse happens in overt ways, mostly
to girls, but also occurs in covert (i.e. hidden) ways in
both girls and boys. The "covert" abuse can be
very damaging in its own way, and is often harder to
uncover. Covert abuse happens when parents exert
unhealthy control over their children's sexuality, using
shame, "morality", religion, etc. to make a
child adopt THEIR dysfunctional sexual values.
Lynda and I discovered that we had both grown up with
sexual dysfunction all around us, and we were both
screwed up sexually as a result. Hers was overt - she was
sexually abused as a child by people outside her
immediate family - and mine was covert. My dad had
regular affairs, my mom sensed there was something wrong
but felt unable to confront him, and her natural anger
seethed like a volcano underneath. She was determined her
sons would grow up into men that didn't repeat her
husbands "mistakes".
Pornography was the only safe way for me to get in
contact with the deepest regions of my sexuality for a
long time, starting in earnest when I was about 14. It
was ALWAYS done in secret, because my mom would have felt
extreme shame if HER son was doing such things, and I
would have felt deep shame for letting her down. When I
married, the pattern continued. You used the word
"cringe". That's the reaction I got from Lynda
whenever she discovered Playboy or anything else in my
possession. To her, it seemed like I was treating women
as sexual objects by using pornography; as an abused
child, being treated as a sexual object is exactly what
had happened to her. It gave me a horrifying thing in
common with her past monsters. No wonder it was so scary.
It was a no-win situation for both of us. Because of
her need to feel safe, I had to continually control my
sexual thoughts, feelings, words and actions. I never
knew what could trigger waves of insecurity in her, or
pain from her past childhood experiences. I never knew
when she'd accept my sexual advances, or shut them off
with numbness, or what I felt was coldness. My sexuality
was being controlled - again. Her sexuality was in the
hands of someone who got off on women as sexual objects -
again. Sound like hell? It is and was.
You both have deep traumas that need healing. But he
cannot heal yours, nor you his. And believe it or not -
based on our experiences and insight - I firmly believe
you are a matched set, like opposite sides of the same
coin. You are both struggling with extremely difficult
childhood sexual issues, but are both handling them in
the only ways you've ever known how.
Love changes those around us, by not WANTING to change
them. It's a paradox, but it works. We do this by
acceptance, and by example. If you are able to begin
exploring your struggles over sex, your past pain, and
your current pain, you'll begin to see the terrified
little girl inside of you more clearly. You'll learn to
detach from his addiction, and realize that he is trying
desperately (and unsuccessfully) to find his own way out
of his own hell. Don't try to help him. Help yourself,
and that will help him more than you can ever imagine.
That's the true miracle of how love works.
Search for as many resources and help as you can find
on sexual abuse, and coping with sexual addiction. You
don't have to stay in this relationship to do so, nor do
you have to leave. Leaving or staying is an individual
choice only you can make, but you'll find the best choice
comes from listening to your inner voice the best you can
on a daily basis, and walking, not running. Contact with
others dealing with similar recovery issues is essential
in any healing process, whether by email, through books,
supports groups, therapy, etc.
As Lynda and I keep discovering, every
"difference" we thought we had have actually
been tremendous gifts. Whatever she does that I feel pain
or anguish over is actually a lightning rod to something
inside my soul that needs healing, something I'm unable
to see without her triggering that pain. She is a helluva
mirror. By the way, the crazy thing about a mirror is
that when you look into it, your left hand is the right
hand of the person in the mirror (try it!). Opposites.
Like other side of the coin. But then, a coin only has
value when it has both sides, doesn't it?
Hope this helps in some small way.
From: Sad Eyes
I took your advice and found some resources to read. I
would like to share one of these with everyone. Maybe it
will help someone else.
Dr. Barbara De Angelis wrote:
Is it okay for may husband to look at porno magazines?
My husband and I have an ongoing battle about his
habit of constantly reading porno magazines. I feel like
it's wrong, and that he shouldn't need them now that
we're married. He says all men do it, that it's "no
big deal," and I'm overreacting. It's starting to
ruin our sex life, because I feel so angry and turned off
to him. Should I just try to accept it, or should I take
a stand?
I don't know about you, but I can't imagine lying in
bed next to my husband while he gazed lustfully at
pictures of naked women, and telling myself, "You
should just accept this. It's no big deal." In fact,
when most women are honest with themselves, they admit
that when their husbands reads porno magazines, or goes
to strip clubs or calls 900 sex numbers, they feel
cheated on, and I wholeheartedly agree. Regularly
indulging in sexual fantasy about other people, whether
in one's mind, through reading magazines or watching
films, is a form of infidelity. You have made a
commitment to be sexually monogamous with your partner,
and you break it by deliberately focusing your sexual
attention on someone else.
Intimacy is the shared experience of closeness and
connection between two people. Sexual pornography
destroys intimacy because, by definition, it introduces a
third element into your relationship-the thought or
picture or video of another person or sexual situation.
Although some couples claim they both enjoy sharing
pornography together, I strongly doubt that it creates
more intimacy in the long run. What it does do is create
more eroticism, which many couples mistake for intimacy.
The reason your husband feels justified in claiming
that his porno mag habit is harmless is that, in my
opinion, our society has an enormous, sexist double
standard when it comes to this issue: it overlooks,
minimizes, and even supports milder forms of pornography
such as the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue or
commercials that sell beer by using bikini-clad women,
while claiming at the same time to disapprove of
so-called hard-core pornography. Men like your husband
are victims/participants in this double standard, and
unfortunately, it is we as their wives and girlfriends
who suffer because of it, as you well know.
It's not that your husband or men who read porno
magazines are "bad." But their behavior will be
disruptive to the intimacy and safety of the
relationship.
· You will feel "cheated on" by your
partner because he needs something other than you in
order to become aroused. · You will feel insecure about
your body, your sexuality, and your ability to satisfy
your partner. · You will feel emotionally distant and
separate from you partner during sex, worrying that he is
not completely "there" with you. · You will
feel angry and resentful toward your partner for not
respecting your feelings. · You will eventually feel
turned off to sex, since for you, it is associated with
humiliation, control, and a feeling of inadequacy.
In spite of what your husband says, I don't consider
his habit "harmless" if it's creating these
reactions in you. He may not mean it to be harmful. I'm
sure he loves you very much, and truly doesn't want to
hurt you. But the reality is, he is hurting you. Don't
let yourself get talked out of your feelings. Trust your
instincts. It's not a question of what is normal and what
is not. It's a question of what is healthy or unhealthy
for your relationship, and you already know that in this
case, your relationship is suffering.
See if your husband will read this section of the
book. Remember-don't make him wrong for what he is doing.
Simply share how his behavior makes you feel. Ask him how
he would feel if you sat around admiring the financial
assets, luxury homes, and lavish lifestyles of wealthy
men in a magazine about really successful people. I don't
think he's enjoy coming home from a hard day at the
office where he is working hard to try and make a good
living, only to find you drooling over some man who had
everything he didn't. I don't think he'd appreciate
comments like "Boy, this guy is sooo impressive.
Look at how successful he is. He must really be smart. I
just love a man who is good with money." (Kind of
the equivalent of "look at those breasts.")
If nothing gets through to him, then it's time for
some professional help……
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