 Advice needed - Strella
I would like to receive comments, advice regarding a
relationship I want to improve. I met my SO almost 2
years ago. Few shared amazing good time for 2 months
although we knew it would end as I was ready to leave for
a one year oversea assignment. We did not make nay plans
at all, just enjoy the days together. I left and 3 days
after my departure, he called me to tell me he felt in
love with me and wanted to see me again even after one
year. I had also felt in love him and was ready to work
out one year far apart. I managed to go to visit him for
few weeks in the middle of the year. We manage to keep
and even strenghten our feelings. It was though being
alone but I always felt him closed.
We had decided to live together upon my return. He had
found a nice place and we really wanted to make it work.
Somehow it did not. We had not been able to have a
"nice and cosy" place as we dreamt, we had
fought over nothing, we complained about anything... I,
and he, had been very affected. We really love each other
but we cannot live together. We still have "our
life" and do not want any one to "touch"
it. We are now living apart. We both have our occupation
(he is finishing his graduate studies, and I am working
in another city). It was very difficult for me to accept
that we could not "make it" together. I have
blamed him for making this happen but I know I am
responsibale too. We see each other every week end and we
have coffee, diner together. We are trying to start again
on more "realistic and rational" grounds. I am
starting to accept this type of relationship. We want to
"clear away" the bad from the past. We need to
keep more independence from each other. I have been
putting a lot of pressure on him to still keep thigs as
we had planned. It has been hard to accept he was right.
For now, we are having a more peacefull and platonic
relationship. I suppose (I want to believe) it will be
fine, but I always have this fear of blowing it out
somehow. I would like to support him in this decision as
I agreed to. How can I properly behave to prove it to
him, without feeling desappointed?
 From: Bernd
One of the hardest struggles in many relationships is
trying to find the balance between independence, and
closeness. It seems the closer we get to someone, the
more we feel obligated to live up to the
"rules" of relationships, expectations, and
what we've been taught. Doing so often seems to mean
sacrificing part of ourself. Many things that were
"I" things before, become "we"
things.
It is a lot easier to let our walls down when we know
a relationship won't take away our independence
indefinitely, or hardly at all. When we know our partner
is going to leave at a definite time in the future, we
can let our emotions flow like a river during the time
we're together. The passion is heightened because we want
to fill every precious second we can with all those
wonderful feelings, because we know it's gonna be over
too soon.
Long distance relationships make it MUCH easier for us
to keep a comfortable balance between being ourselves,
and being part of a couple. The trade-off is that we
sacrifice much of our need for actual physical closeness,
and also find - when we start living with someone - that
the realities of a REAL relationship don't turn out the
way we dreamt they would.
One of the most powerful things that a relationship
does is strip away the unhealthy masks that we use as
crutches to cope with life. The longer we're in a
relationship with someone, the more they get to know who
we really are, and vice versa. In an unhealthy
relationship, the more imperfections I see in myself, the
more defensive I get, the more I use emotional walls to
protect myself, and the more I start preparing myself for
the day my partner is going to say "the hell with
you" and leave me.
It sounds to me that your partner has a well
established pattern of reasserting his independence, and
withdrawing, once a relationship starts to threaten that
independence with too much closeness. It may also be that
you have a pattern of seeking out this type of man,
hoping that one of them will "change" THEIR
pattern, and that will finally confirm you're truly
lovable.
I sense that your need to "change" this man
will continue to lead you to choices that leave control
of much of your destiny, and the relationship, in his
hands. The words "more realistic and rational"
sound very much like HIS words. My guess is that he has
let you know in no uncertain terms that it's either his
way, or the highway. If so, that has left you with the
choice of either letting him call the shots (and trying
to convince yourself he's right), hoping things will
eventually work out - or saying goodbye to the huge
emotional investment you've put in so far. A goodbye is
also probable very scary, because it would seem to
confirm that there's something wrong with you, that makes
you unlovable.
You are not unlovable. If you want to support him in
his decision, then let go of wanting him to change. Begin
a search for answers and for insight into what past pain
keeps pulling you to men who lack the capacity for true,
ONGOING closeness. Take time to be honest with yourself
about how you REALLY feel about where this relationship
stands today, and accept that those are YOUR feelings,
and none of them have to make sense right now. They
might, they might not, but they don't HAVE to. They will
in time.
The book" Women Who Love Too Much" really
helped me get insight into my patterns. I would fall in
love with any woman that would HAVE me. Most wouldn't,
because they were scared away by my crushing dependence
and neediness. Those that would get involved with me had
just as many problems as I did, and almost all of the
relationships I had ended up in disaster, and rejection.
A relationship with another person can only be as good
as the one we have with ourselves. If you can take the
struggle you have had and are having with this man, and
let it teach you what things you still need to heal in
your relationship with yourself, then it will be able to
give you a miraculous gift, no matter what else happens.
Start with the book I mentioned, and see where that takes
you next.
These are just my thoughts and best guesses. Hope it
helps in some small way.
|
