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 How do I go on? - Rookie
Hi. I am a 25 year old female who has been dating the
same guy since I was 18. Recently we broke up for reasons
that he feels are appropriate. He feel that he doesn't
have time for me right now, due to the fact that he
claims to have a lot of personal problems to work out. He
says he still loves me and wants to marry me and knows
that we will get married. He just feels that he can't
give me the proper attention he claims I deserve. This is
not the first but second time this has occurred for the
same reasons. It hurts so much that he feels to take care
of all of his other problems and deal with me last
instead of letting me be there for him and looking at me
as a crutch instead of a problem. I love him very much,
but I am afraid of committing to him again when he wants
to get back together. I am afraid of getting hurt again.
Would it be wrong of me to date other people to see
what is out there, knowing that he wants to eventually
get back together(he says within a couple of months)? Do
you feel that it would be good for me to open my options
to other people? Or would it just be a headache I don't
want to take on. I would like it if we could work things
out, but what if we get back together and things haven't
changed? He cares for me a lot and is always there when I
need him, but rarely voluntarily makes time for me. It's
always the gym, work, friends, family then me somewhere
at the bottom. He would call me at work 7 times a day to
tell me he loved me. After 6 years, we never had a dry
spell of those words. But he really had a hard time
showing it. Should I just take this time to myself or
date... do I let him know if I do start dating? I have
never dated anyone but him for 6 years, I wouldn't know
the first thing about dating! You give great advice...
any bit would help. Thanks!
 From: Bernd
I suspect that this has been your only
"serious" relationship in your life, and as
such, the only "benchmarks" you have to go on,
concerning what a good relationship "should" be
like, is what you learned from others as a child, and
what you've discovered in your relationship with your
boyfriend. My guess is that those 2 sources have left you
with only a glimpse of how healthy relationships really
work.
It sounds as if you have left your boyfriend pretty
well in the "driver's seat" throughout your 7
year relationship with him - you are waiting for HIM to
commit to marriage, and for HIM to sort out his
priorities and own problems. As you've discovered, this
keeps you pretty vulnerable to hurt when he makes a
decision that puts you even lower on the totem pole. It
also sounds as if you've revolved much of your life
around him, hoping that eventually he'd see how special
you are, and spend a lot more time with you.
My guess is that you both have a real struggle with
honesty - both with each other, and within yourselves. I
suspect that you feel guilty at times for being clinging,
or so dependent on him, yet hate those feelings of guilt
because they trigger a bunch of other awful feelings,
including ones of worthlessness. I also suspect that he
feels as if he can't measure up to what you are looking
for from him emotionally (much of it subconsciously), but
feels a certain obligation to continue the relationship
because you already have been together 7 years.
I've found it excruciatingly difficult to be honest
with myself and Lynda throughout our relationship. But
I've also found that, without such honesty, our
relationship had nowhere to go but from bad to worse.
You have come face to face with the perils of leaving
the fate of your happiness in another person's hands.
Although it is confusing and painful, it is also very
much a gift. If you can begin looking at it as a gift,
here are some of the things you might find it trying to
show you:
- much of your need to be loved and taken care of by
your boyfriend comes from a childhood in which you felt
unloved often, and unworthy. Your boyfriend cannot heal
that hole in your heart for you, only you can - with the
help of others (such as a therapist, support group,
etc.).
- you are placing most of your eggs in one basket,
i.e. you try to get most of your happiness and good
feelings from your relationship. A healthy relationship
CANNOT be the main source of anyone's happiness, any more
than we can get all of our nutritional needs from eating
potatoes. I think your questions about dating are trying
to show you that "reaching out to others" is a
path you need to look at in this point of your life. You
don't need to "date" others to reach out and
build new friendships. Going to the movies with a new
"friend", whether or not they're male or
female, with enrich your life in immeasurable ways. The
more good friendships you develop, the more sources of
good feelings you'll have. If you decide you want to
date, that's ok in my opinion - as long as you're honest
with yourself (eg., are you dating hoping to find someone
who will "commit" more than your boyfriend is
willing to, or are you dating to help you discover more
about yourself and relationships?).
- honesty, no matter how painful it seems at first, is
healing. Take some time to write down your TRUE feelings
about yourself, your boyfriend, and your relationship. Be
brutally honest, and hold nothing back. If you want,
destroy the paper after you read it, and have some time
to mull over what you've written. Keep in mind that
feelings and thoughts aren't choices. You don't have to
ACT on anything you've written, until YOU'RE ready to do
so. And you can also choose not to act on any part of it.
You have the right to make, or not make, whatever choices
you feel are best for you, at whatever time. One more
note: no one, in my opinion, is wise enough to accurately
judge another human being, or themselves. If being honest
with yourself leaves you feeling like you're a terrible
person in some ways, remind yourself "I'm not wise
enough to judge myself". You ARE good person, and
having faults and imperfections is a necessary part of
being a good person. They give us empathy with others.
- throw away your crystal ball. It doesn't work. Try
to let each day be what it will be, instead of wishing it
would turn out the way you want. Instead of wishing your
boyfriend would spend more time with you, or commit to
marriage, remind yourself that "if and when it
happens, I'll deal with it then". Today is the only
thing we have for sure, and it only lasts 24 hours. If
you make today the best it can be for yourself, tomorrow
will take care of itself quite nicely.
Hope some of this gives you a starting point. And just
to put things in perspective, Lynda and I didn't really
begin finding answers in our relationship til I was close
to 37, so you got a nice head start.:)
From: rookie
You hit everything right on the nose! You really had
me see a side that I think I never wanted to face. I
tried to keep everything so simple and cut and dry -
never wanting to dig too deep for the source of our
problems, afraid of what I would see. I thank you soooooo
much! You really did help put things in a perspective
that neither my friends nor family ever could help me
see. About the dating part... the last thing I want right
now is another relationship. What I do want is to learn
more about myself and what I am REALLY like with another
person. I became someone that I wasn't with him. I am a
people person and I want to experience different types of
"relationships". I want to see what is
"normal"... Please don't ever quit this site. I
read all of your entries to get advice for myself. Keep
up the good work! Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you!
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