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 A New Light Is Shining.... - Damaged
Shields/Soon to be Repaired....
Hi!
It's been a crazy week, but I think something has
finally clicked. Last monday morning, my SO decided to
throw another temper tantrum, and I guess for me it was
the last straw. He didn't hurt me physically, but he did
threaten me by yelling, "I'm going to smash all your
stuff" as I walked out the door and headed to work.
Well, instead of turning around and giving into another
fight, I just kept going and went to work. Well, of
course I was pretty shaken up, and by the time I got to
work, I was pretty certain that I just didin't want to go
through this crap anymore. So I went into my bosses
office, and told him what was happening, and he advised
me to call up my SO and tell him to move out before I got
home or I'd have the police help me. Well, I did this, I
called him and told him to be out before I got home or
I'd call the police. He didn't take it too well, but I
was serious. I hung up the phone, and my boss let me take
the day off to deal with all of this. I went over to a
good friends house and called around to find out my
options.
The police said the only way to get him out was to
file a restraining order. And the apartment manager said
that since my name was on the lease, I could boot him out
of there. I also told a few of my friends what had been
happening, and they were all proud of me for finally
kicking him out. Well, I drove down to the courthouse and
fillled out a restraining order, and I got up to the
desk, and the officer read it and said, "Oh, this is
the wrong county, you need to go to the courthouse in the
county in which you live." Well, I was kind of
relieved at that point, because I felt weird using such
force without giving my SO a chance to look for a place,
and he didn't get paid for a few more days, etc.... so I
thought about it and drove over to another friends house
that lives across from where I live. I told her what was
happening, and she was also proud of me, because she's
seen the emotional damage I've been going through. So I
used her phone and called my SO and told him, "You
have a choice, you can either pack up and go peacefully
on your own, or I'll finish filing a restraining order
and have you out of there within the day." Well, he
was acting humble and scared. He said he had started
packing his stuff, and to please give him a little more
time, coz he gets paid in a few days, and he'll stay with
his mom, and move his stuff into a storage unit. He also
said he was going to have to live in his car for awhile,
etc..... I said, keep packing, I'm staying at a friends
house until you are out of there.
Well, I did stay at a friends house that night, and
had a terrible time sleeping. I kept thinking about how
much I know he knows that he is wrong when he acts like
that, because we've had some pretty deep conversations
lately about our 'demons' and our issues. So I knew in my
heart he knew he was wrong. He's been working on himself
for quite sometime. He's been clean and sober for 4
years, and that's something to be proud of. The next
morning, I knew he'd be at work, so I came home and on
the coffee table was a 4 page letter he'd written to me
and it was tucked inside of his Alcoholics Anonymous
book. I read the letter, it basically said everything
that I was sure he was aware of, and also he had circled
a few paragraphs in the AA book, which were entirely
relevent to our situation. This made me realize how much
he really wants to deal with his issues, and how much he
wants to work it out with me. (I'm kind of just quickly
summarizing right now)
So, I left him a note, before I went to work, 'coz I
knew he'd be home before I would. I told him that I care
about him alot, and I'm just tired of him taking his
anger out on me. I told him that if he were to stay,
until he found a place to live, that we'd be living under
MY rules. I also told him that if he wants a relationship
with me, then he'd have to be ACTIVELY working on his
issues, because for the past 7 years I've worked VERY
hard on my anger issues, and all my other issues, and I
still work on myself on a daily basis. I told him that if
he wanted to stay here tonight, that it was okay, but NO
TV, NO COMPUTERS, NO DISTRACTIONS, and that we'd have to
sit down and talk to each other. When he got home that
night, we did just that.
He said he had connected with his mom for the first
time in his life, and she was there for him. He cried to
her on the phone, and she reassured him that God was
watching over him. He told me that he realized that I was
SERIOUS when I said I was going to kick him out with the
help of the police, and he's so glad I didn't do that. He
was so happy that I recognized how much he WANTS to deal
with his issues, and how much I need love, not anger from
him. And I also reminded him that the true meaning of
life is to always stay in touch with our inner light, and
to not get so caught up in DISTRACTIONS. Hell, even going
to work and surviving is a distraction from staying in
touch with the inner light. He very much agreed with me
on this. So basically, he spilled his guts to me, and
apologized profusely, and I forgave him, but also put my
foot down about actively working on our issues together,
because I still have quite a few left to deal with.
Here's my problem, all my friends, and my boss at
work, basically told me they'd lose respect for me if I
didn't follow through and kick him out, but Now I feel as
though I talked too much to all of them. I think my SO is
going to stay, for awhile anyway, or something. I realize
how much I care about him, and love him, and it's almost
as though I'm looking at someone I love very much, who
has something wrong with them, or is doing something to
themself that I know is harmful, yet I know can be
helped, and as someone who loves them, I can't sit idely
by and let him destroy himself like that. I also know
that I am strong enough to want to help, and he knows
that I cn't hold his hand all the time either. My friends
are going to KILL me but I don't feel like explaining all
of this to them.
I know this isn't another QUICK FIX for now, and then
the same old patterns are going to start over again,
because I recognize a positive change in him. And he
knows I'm not going to allow him to sweep it all under
the rug. And that if he does decide to sweep it all under
the rug, I'm serious about not wanting to be with him
anymore. I told him that I think in the past, I was
almost allowing him not to work on his issues by letting
him get away with being a shit head to me. I can't
explain the depth of caring and love I have for him. I
also respect myself enough to know that I don't deserve
to be mistreated, especially by someone I love. We both
agree we were both raised in homes that were like this.
So he does recognize all this, and that is a first step I
think. Am I being a fool idiot for letting him stay? Does
it matter what my friends think? Should I keep my mouth
shut from now on? I think I over reacted the other day,
but it seems to have done some good, it got my SO to
connect with his mom, and that's a good thing. It's also
made me realize a few things about myself. I hope I don't
lose my friends over this, and I hope I can just keep my
mouth shut at work to my boss. But if I'm sitting there
crying and stuff, and need to take the day off, I need to
explain SOMETHING to my boss.
What do you think?
 From: Bernd
Hi Sheilds:) Sounds like you are trying really hard to
find some real answers. It's tough and confusing, isn't
it?
I'm going to give you a gentle reminder that true
recovery comes in an inch by inch process. The pain, old
lies, and damage that was done to us has been pushed into
the deepest regions of our spirit and body, and healing
them is a lot like discovering our leg bones are all
gnarled up from childhood abuse (which is why we stumble
and fall so much), and going through the process of
having our legs operated on, doing what we need to heal
slowly, and learning to walk all over again. If you
expect a severely damaged person to act in healthy ways,
they can only "walk straight" for so long,
before they stumble all over again.
One of your primary recovery issues, in my opinion, is
that you need a sense of safety to come from OUTSIDE you.
When your boyfriend appears to be actively involved in
his recovery, you feel safe enough to continue the
relationship. When he slips, you feel anger, and want to
break the relationship. Although it appears to be
working, it is a trap.
If your boyfriend is dealing with his issues because
of you, then he's not doing it for himself. You become
his higher power, a position that is impossible to hold
for very long. Why do I say all this? Because I tried to
do pretty well the same exact things with Lynda for close
to 2 years! It's one of the most difficult things for
anyone in a codependent relationship to see, and even
more difficult to accept and find some answers to.
I believe everything that happens to me is a gift
(often disguised in barb wire wrapping). I believe your
most recent experience is a gift too. Here's a few of my
guesses why.
- so far, your relationship has had periods where you
find the verbal and physical abuse unacceptable, decide
to leave, make a breakthrough with him, and reconcile.
There is an alternative. Leave when his behaviour is
unacceptable, and return when you feel safe to do so -
without holding the relationship hostage. This is part of
setting boundaries, and gives you the freedom to be as
close, or as far away from him moment by moment. It means
he's able to see immediate, but also appropriate,
consequences of his choices as they happen, without the
distraction of having the whole relationship go down the
tubes at the same time. And it also gives you practice at
making choices that keep you safe, without the
distraction of having to make "the big
decision" each time.
- the only true way you can help him with his recovery
is by example. The more you give him conditions, rules,
ultimatums, the more he'll be focusing on pleasing you,
and not true healing. Whatever Lynda does, and has done,
was exactly what I need, and needed. The most painful
times were the times when my higher power was able to get
through my thick skull, and let me know I had enough of a
challenge trying to find my own recovery path, without
being a guide for Lynda. I find now that when I approach
a problem we have with the principle "my solution
does NOT need her to change anything", then I find
the real diamond waiting for me. And ironically, Lynda
almost always changes in a positive direction, because
I'm not interfering with the whispers HER higher power is
giving her.
Regarding your boss and friends, all you can do is try
to make the best choices you can from day to day.
"Mistakes" are a natural part of learning, and
whatever mistakes they think you've made, are a natural
part of your healing process. Mistakes don't hurt us the
most; it's not being honest with ourselves, and giving
ourselves permission to be imperfect, that does. When
someone questions my choices, I sometimes reply
"whatever mistakes I'm making will help me learn
some important lessons. Tell me YOUR viewpoint, so that I
can learn even more." After all, the bottom line, is
that I'm the one who has to live my life, and I'm the one
that will feel the most pain or joy from my choices. My
good choices will bring me closer to joy, and my bad ones
will hurt me. Either way, they will all teach me.
Be gentle with yourself, and remember that you are at
the beginning of trying to transform some big hunks of
coal into diamonds. To do so, requires the difficult,
challenging, but very rewarding journey into learning
patience and acceptance. This is something that you -
with your higher power's help - has to learn to give to
yourself, before you can give it to your boyfriend or
anyone else. It is a cornerstone of love, and will help
you tremendously in your search to feel a sense of true
safety again inside.
One last note: you are tackling some very very
difficult issues, both from your past, and your
boyfriend's. Don't minimize each small victory, each step
of healing. Every small step forward is a miracle, and
I'm sure there are tears and singing in heaven every time
you discover a new insight that leads you towards more
love, and happiness. I am sure of that.:)
Be kind to yourself today, and let any tears make a
rainbow in your soul.
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