 4 years together - now we're
seperated by 3000 miles - Totally Confused
I've had a very strange relationship with a man I met
at our workplace - actually working side by side, for 4
years. We were sexually attracted to each other
immediately (so it's not one of those friends to lovers
stories), however the last 4 years of our relationship
revolved around the company we worked for. Near the end
of the 4 years (we were living together at this time) the
relationship started to fail - and "I" blamed
it on the fact that we both worked for the same company.
I felt as though all I knew about him was
"work". Also, at this time the company we
worked for was treating both of us terribly - this caused
an excess amount of strain on our relationship. Around
year 3 of our relationship, "I" gave up, and
moved away from the job and him. However.....I was drawn
back to the job -and- him in less than 4 months (still
have no idea which brought me back; job or him) Anyhow,
last month ....he found another job - in another city
3000 miles away, and asked me to move with him. Instead,
I left my job (same company) and moved away and went back
to school.
I just recently visited him (1st time in 30 days), and
it was really great! I started getting really wierd
feelings about things - maybe marriage, etc... (Could be
Valentines Day ?). And.....I was trying to understand
"his" feelings about things too - but with no
luck. I admit I wasn't direct and to the point, but I
think what I said was enough. BECAUSE.....I'm getting the
impression he doesn't want to continue our
relationship!!! What happened? I've got all these crazy
ideas impairing my judgement; like maybe he's found
someone else, or that he doesn't want me because I'm a
liability now (student). These ideas were formed over 3
days - after 4 years. I'm totally confused.
This is a lot to read - and I'm sorry it's so long,
but I really could use some help! Thank you so much.
 From: Bernd
This sounds like an on-again, off-again relationship
in which you have made most of the decisions to leave or
stay - until now, and I suspect that the role reversal
has caught you by suprise, especially considering the new
feelings you felt in your last visit.
Although both of you have had a
"relationship" which each other over the past 4
years, what has seemed to be missing is any genuine
sustained closeness. I sense that both of you have used
work (the company) as one tool to avoid real closeness;
note that the big changes seemed to happen whenever
"the company" ceased being part of your lives.
When we are able to control the amount of closeness in
a relationship - by using work or other methods that help
us be "unavailable" to our partner - we can
usually keep a relationship going for a fairly long time,
before a gnawing sense of emptiness inside becomes more
and more noticeable. Most of us are terrified by genuine
closeness, because it leaves us very vulnerable, yet we
are equally terrified of being alone, and abandonment. So
we try to walk the tightrope in between, and sooner or
later, the rope gets too thin to balance on.
If you listen to only the part of your feelings that
you like, then you are only going to get part of what
they are trying to tell you. I suspect that your latest
attraction to him comes more from a wish to recapture the
excitement and feelings of romance that you felt at the
beginning of the relationship. Wanting those feelings, in
my opinion, is realistic; wanting them from him, however,
isn't.
If you listen to ALL the feelings you have inside
about this relationship, I suspect that you've buried the
unpleasant ones - and it's these feelings that you
absolutely need to help you learn what you need to from
this relationship, so that you can move FORWARD to the
kind of relationship with someone that you deserve - one
that's truly loving.
I'd guess those unpleasant feelings include
disappointment, confusion, anger, and fear - directed
both at him, and at yourself. The gameplan you thought
would work hasn't, and now you find yourself
just-about-dumped, and you're 4 years older.
This relationship has given you 4 years of insights,
and precious lessons about YOU, what you
"subconciously" want in a relationship, and how
we are able to trick ourselves into believing we CAN walk
that closeness/apartness tightrope.
My suggestion - if you want a truly loving
realtionship in your future - is find a therapist who can
help you delve into what really happened in your
relationship with this man, and why. The more honest
insight you get into the choices YOU made in this
relationship, the more you'll be able to see why things
have turned out the way they are. More importantly,
you'll be able to find out what old buried pain you need
to heal inside YOU, and empower yourself to make better
choices in picking future partners.
There are no shortcuts in love. There may be many
signs that seem to say so, but sooner or later, every
shortcut leads to a dead end. Take the long road - you'll
get there quicker.
Take care.
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