 Coming to an end, maybe - Down
and Drained
It's been great seeing this site, it has made me
realise that I am not the only person going through
things.
At the moment it appears the relationship I am in with
someone I love very much is coming to an end. We have
come close to splitting up several times recently, but
then after all is said and done, she says she still wants
me and doesn't want to let me go.
Where is the problem? The problem for me is that even
though she wants me, I don't think it is for the reason I
want, love. The want is more to maintain the
relationship, but on a non-physical basis. This is only
me guessing, she won't openly talk about what issues are
really bothering her, and as a result of this I'm always
guessing and jumping to conclusions, whether they are
right or wrong I don't know.
I left a letter explaining the way I feel at the
moment for her this morning, and she left a message
saying that she would call at lunchtime.
We have been through a great deal together, and at the
moment I am just waiting for her call to give me an idea
of whether she really wants the relationship to work or
whether she just doesn't want to lose the relationship,
there is definitely a big difference between the two.
I have gone out of my way to do things for her, but I
am at wits end. I am stating to gather resentment, as I
can't see her trying to help the situation. In her own
mind, she may me doing things, but they aren't obvious to
me. She shows signs of hope at times, but that doesn't
make up for the rejection I feel all the other times I am
with her or thinking of her.
She has been trying to tell me it is all in my head,
but it's obviously not the case. I don't know whether she
honestly believes this is true, or it is just her way of
avoiding blame. Maybe she can give me some answers today.
thanks for reading
 From: Bernd
Much of the recovery work I’ve stumbled through
over the past few years has a been a process of
“unlearning”, not learning. I’ve been held
prisoner by hand-me-down beliefs that I thought were
“truths”, but in actuality were chains that
made having a truly loving relationship impossible.
Many of us have an idea of what a
“relationship” should be, what it should have,
and how it should work. We’re willing to be flexible
to a point, but we all have our “should” list,
or expectations that we feel we “deserve” to
have met. They all keep us prisoner.
You said: “I am just waiting for her call to give
me an idea of whether she really wants the relationship
to work or whether she just doesn't want to lose the
relationship”. It might help to ask yourself
“when does a relationship become a
non-relationship?”. Do you feel it happens when two
people no longer live together, or tell each other
“I love you”, or stop having sex, etc.?
I’d like to suggest that a relationship, once
begun, never ends. Each relationship changes - in
intensity, in the happiness each partner feels within it,
the amount and quality of time shared, and many other
things. But a relationship never ends. The willingness to
deepen it however can end at any time. And the quality
can certainly change, depending on how WE treat our
partner’s feelings, and their right to make their
own choices.
Your girlfriend isn’t happy with what is going on
in the relationship, and it sounds like she wants to put
some emotional distance between you and her. To you, my
guess is that means rejection, and that if it isn’t
straightened out soon, that it’s just the beginning
of “the end”.
The more healthy a relationship is, the more freedom
each partner gives each other to be as close, or as
distant as they choose from moment to moment, day by day.
Love respects another human being’s choice to make
whatever choices they feel best for themselves. It not
only respects it; it rejoices in it. That freedom,
paradoxically, is the strongest bond I’ve ever
known. When a partner feels free to be themselves, to
give what feels good to give, and to feel safe from
expectations - especially hidden ones - then they feel
safe and free enough to be intimate in wonderful ways.
There’s a simple truth (I think it’s a truth)
that I stumbled across in our marriage - whatever Lynda
decides is best for her, is best for me. I don’t
understand it most of the time, but that’s because
my brain was never designed to figure stuff like that
out. Thank God too, cause my wheels spin enough in a day!
All I know is that it works like a dream, and has kept me
from falling off my marriage tricycle countless times,
saving me lots of bruised knees (and egos). It’s
kind of ironic; it’s almost like - the less I want
for Christmas, the more I get. But that’s the way
love works (or so it seems to for us).
The more practice you can give yourself in rejoicing
in your girlfriends freedom to make the best choices she
can for herself (especially when you don’t agree
with them, and WITHOUT asking her to explain or justify
them), the more I think you’ll discover a new
viewpoint on how love really works. Like anything, it
takes practice - and it often involves the painful
transition of letting go of old beliefs, and going on
sheer faith. But it’s not unlike letting go of a
heavy bag of gold, that you’re holding to pay for
surgery for a twisted back. Surprise, surprise - when you
finally let go of it, you suddenly discover it was the
damn bag twisting your back in the first place.
Hope some of this helps.
From: Down and drained
Thanks Bernd,
She has gone right off sex, and from talking to her,
the physical rejection I am getting is because she thinks
that if we touch in other ways that's the green light for
sex. I told her that wasn't the case at all, I'm willing
to go without for a while until she sorts herself out.
At the moment I feel the ball is completely out of my
court, I'm not sure if there is anything I can do or say
apart from not mention things, and just cruise along
pretending that I am happy with the situation, or at
least accepting it.
The other big problem I have is that I feel I am the
one doing all the giving. I know she doesn't see it that
way at all.
From: Bernd
It sounds as if she is struggling with some deep
sexual issues from her past. If so, her current struggle
is very likely a signpost pointing to YOUR own struggles
with your own sexuality. I’ll tell you a bit about
what I discovered in our relationship.
For the longest time, I thought I was the
“normal” one sexually in our marriage. Lynda
had been sexually abused as a child, and raped as a teen.
I hadn’t gone through her kind of horrific
experiences; my problem had always been that I could
never get “enough”. My past baggage was that I
got a skewed view of sex from my dad’s affairs and
my mom’s resulting anger, and learned to feel a lot
of shame over my normal and natural sexual desires as a
child and adolescent.
I’ve since realized that I needed sex desperately
to shore up my low feelings of self-worth, and to lift me
- even temporarily - out of the ongoing greys of chronic
depression. No matter how “kind, giving, or
stable” I thought I was, what was actually happening
is that I was using sex very much like a drug - and using
Lynda to get it. Her feelings of being “used”
were right on target. But both of us had no idea how much
each of our own struggles were mirror images of each
other.
Your statement “I'm willing to go without for a
while until she sorts herself out” sure rings bells
with me. I thought I was being patient and kind while I
waited for Lynda to “fix” whatever was messing
her up inside. But that approach added even more pressure
to her, and ultimately made things worse; it was a
constant reminder that her past crap was screwing up MY
life too - or so it seemed. It added an unbearable weight
to her shoulders; she was having enough difficulty trying
to sort out things for herself, let alone trying to take
care of MY feelings too.
The way out of this swamp is to take a step back, and
ask yourself: “who is responsible for my inner peace
- her or me?”. If you can accept that you have
equally deep struggles from your past about your own
sexuality, then using sex as a drug will keep you
addicted, and any addiction is ultimately destructive -
both to a relationship, and to yourself.
I only got freedom from our struggles when I began to
realize that I had just as much to heal sexually as Lynda
did, and committed myself to finding out what my hidden
struggles were, and got help healing them - through
therapy, books, support groups, etc. My biggest
breakthrough came when my healing calmed down my hunger
for sex enough so that I was able to say to Lynda
“whatever feels best for you, is best for me”.
I was able to be truly ok with no sex with her for
whatever length of time - including forever - without
feeling unloved, or that my needs weren’t being met.
She didn’t have to fix a thing.
Here’s the irony. That kind of genuine acceptance
has a very powerful healing effect. She became more and
more aware that SHE wasn’t happy with carrying
around that past baggage all the time; it was robbing her
of a lot of the sunshine of life. Without my weight to
distract her, she began facing her own past sexual pain
in ways she had never been able to do so before. What is
still amazing to both of us is that our individual
searches for healing led us from having sex a few times a
month for almost 17 years, to having HEALTHY and loving
sex DAILY in a way we’d never experienced before.
That’s the power of true healing. And our sexual
relationship continues to be like going to Disneyland for
the first time. I would have never thought it was
possible. But it is.
The key is to focus on finding out what YOU need to
heal. Accepting her need to handle her own struggles in
her own way - for whatever time she needs including
forever - takes away a big distraction from your own
healing. It frees you to focus on reclaiming your true
healthy sexual being. Take that path, and I guarantee you
it will lead you to a sexual relationship that one day
will having you shaking your head in joyous wonder.
Don’t settle for less.
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