 |
 How do i heal a broken heart? -
Remorseful
Since xmas '96... i've been trying to address past
wrongs in a relationship of 12 years. Our relationship
problems gradually increased following our marriage 5
years ago. Last July we had a beautiful baby boy, and
about 4 months after this things came to a head. I was
depressed, feeling unwanted, unloved and was punishing
myself and my wife (and child) by staying at work or
spending long hours researching/reading...going to bed
late at night (am)... the decline in our sexual
relationship polarising the situation for me. My
emotional and subsequent physical unavailability, I
realised recently the problem for my wife.
Last october I began having an affair over the
internet with a young woman almost half my age. At the
time I thought it harmless, pure fantasy, an escape from
reality however my emotional state and physical tiredness
wore my resolve down. Everything at my core told me I had
everything, a beautiful wife, son, fantastic job, great
prospects, etc but I continued with the virtual affair,
eventually speaking with the woman in question over the
phone. after an emotional exchange about my feelings and
our problems I told my wife that whilst I loved her
emotionally, the physical part of our relationship was
like a vacuum, a black hole inside of me.
I realised later that this was primarily due to my
dependance on my wife for love and that my main outlet
for expressing my emotions was through sex, etc.
Following our talk my wife went to stay with my mother
for a week and then her parents. For one reason or
another I decided that 'that' was 'it'...my wife and son
were going to spend xmas with her relatives and I felt
totally excluded, not being able to have xmas morning
with our son despite his age, crushed me. I resolved to
get 4 weeks leave, a passport and plane ticket and fly to
the US to meet the woman i'd been 'chatting' to.
On the flight over there, I hadn't told my wife where
or why I was going, let alone who I was planning to meet;
I realised that I was making a huge mistake? that I
hadn't looked at myself and tried towork things out.
Bluntly, I was running away from my problems! I called my
wife when I got to the states and told her where I was,
why i'd taken off and that I wanted to get home asap and
work things out (I ommitted the 'other woman'). She
agreed that after xmas she would move back home and we
would get marriage counselling etc...this all seemed to
be positive. Unfortunately, the weekend before I arrived
back my wife found a receipt for our last phone bill, and
then an explicit email exchange that I had printed out
and everything changed!
When I arrived back on xmas morning and called her
everything came crashing down around me. My wife was
devastated, breach of trust, the lies, deceit, sense of
worthlessness, pain, anger, hatred, etc...I had broken
her heart and she didn't want me back. didn't love me
anymore, etc. Since that day I have been attending
marriage counselling every fortnight, seeing our son
every weekend that I can. I just got back from a men's
retreat exploring self-awareness and new directions for
men and feel like I've woken up from a nightmarish dream?
I want so much to give my wife and son everything I've
held back from but my wife is unforgiving. This weekend I
asked her if she could find it in her heart to forgive
me? she said no as I make her "feel
sick!"...what do I do? How do I get through the
fortress she has (with my help) built around her heart?
her pain, hurt and anger seems inconsolable? I'm making
every effort that I can, being punctual, providing money
for child care, taking responsiblity for our mutual
debts, investing my free time on weekends to be with our
son, reading and realigning my priorities in life. I'm
supportive of her in her wishes, in that she wants things
for her self, she has given so much to me over the
years...but I can't get through to her? Is there any
thing I could read to help me mediate, hear her pain, to
break through the walls around her heart? Is it just a
matter of time? Can you offer any insights any magical
words of wisdom? I don't want to lose her and I want to
make our marriage and our lives happy again. I know if
given the chance I can do this and more but I feel
totally powerless, the decision is entirely my
wife’s.
 From: thera
You are doing the right things and the decision is not
your wife's it's yours yes it takes time to realize and
feel who we are and how we realate to others. Allow
yourself to life through this and don't ask for relief
.living is not easy. Stay with it but don't push!
From: Bernd
First, it sounds that - even though your relationship
problems have been growing over the last several years -
the birth of your son (a firstborn?) accelerated the
process. I suspect that your wife may be still struggling
with post-partum depression; if so, it would make it
extremely difficult for her to cope with issues in your
marriage, and past issues of her own. At some point, most
of us dealing with depression get to a stage where we
want everything - and everyone - to just “go
away”.
Respect this. Until you have come to terms a lot more
with your own depression - past and present - you will be
unable to help her in any meaningful way . Right now it
would sort of be like the “blind leading the
blind”. I suspect that in the past you’ve used
the marriage and her help to aid you in dealing with your
depressive periods. Now that both are gone, it leaves you
frightfully alone in dealing with that. My guess is
that’s a big part of why you feel so desperate to
salvage the marriage.
Depression has been given a really bad rap in our
dysfunctional society. In my opinion, it is not a mental
illness - any more than coughing from a cold is a
“sickness”. It’s a symptom, a visible
sign. Depression, in my opinion, is an allergy to
dysfunction - i.e. “unlove” - which exists in
us from our past, and exists all around us every day. We
can see that dysfunction in the ways we and other people
pass judgment, turn their heads when others are in pain,
treat other people like objects, “punish us”
with “shame”, etc. etc. It’s like living
over a toxic waste dump - some people feel sicker and
sicker, while others show no VISIBLE signs (although they
get sicker inside), and wonder what the problem is.
Self-blame is one of the things us depressed people
do, and do well. But it’s not based on reality. Why?
Because in trying to cope with our depression, we take
responsibility for a lot of things that don’t belong
to us - including our partner’s emotions, and sense
of self-worth. We can ENHANCE those with loving choices,
but the less we’ve come to grips with our own
depression, the less able we are to know what choices are
loving, and which ones “seem” loving - but have
hidden motives wrapped up in them.
Sex is a very common way of trying to cope with
depression. It’s one of the few sources we have for
feeling “really good”, even if only for a short
time. But the irony is that our need usually attracts us
to a partner with little sexual boundaries, and a damaged
sexual past. As a result, the longer the relationship
continues, the more she feels like she’s being used
sexually all over again, and the less frequent and more
of a struggle - and lightening rod - sex becomes in the
marriage.
Ok, here are my suggestions. First, your cyberaffair
has opened up a Pandora’s box for your wife, let
alone you. Not only is she struggling to cope with her
current sense of betrayal and devastation, but (my guess)
it’s also opened a huge trapdoor to a pile of past
crap (from before your relationship) that she’s been
pushing down inside. Combine that with the possibility of
post-partum depression, and she’s got more than her
hands full coping. She has nothing left to even BEGIN to
try coping with what your needs or feelings are. She
needs space, and she needs it desperately. Until
she’s able to find some way of dealing with all this
in a healthy way, she won’t be able to see you as
anything but the lover-turned-ogre. You are not an ogre,
but her own confusion and panic make it impossible for
her to see this right now. And any attempts by you to
“show her” will just result in her bracing up
that inner wall of bricks. Right now my sense is that she
absolutely NEEDS that wall to keep from falling to
pieces. Let her. Respect her need to find her own way.
In Lynda’s and my case, it took us 2 years to
even BEGIN the process of reconciliation. My belief is
that it was only possible because my therapist helped me
see that it was ME that I need to heal, not the marriage,
or her. The more focus I put on my own recovery, the more
honest I was able to become with myself, and the more I
saw all the unhealthy things I was doing to myself, and
Lynda.
My recovery also helped me discover that honesty was
something that I had to do for ME, not Lynda. I suspect
that you haven’t been entirely truthful about just
what went on with your cyber affair, and your visit to
the U.S. Dedicate yourself to finding out what you are
afraid of with such honesty, and why, and give yourself
time to build the kind of integrity that will bring
dividends back to you, and everyone that touches your
life. It’s an essential part of healing the effects
of depression.
You said “I don't want to lose her and I want to
make our marriage and our lives happy again”. You
can only lose what you own, and you never owned her. One
of the highest forms of love is the ability to rejoice
equally in a partner’s choice to leave or stay. It
IS very difficult at this stage, but it is attainable -
if you commit yourself to finding out just how love CAN
work this way. The irony is that such type of love is
very attractive, and I and I suspect that those who
encounter it - even if they leave for a short period -
always want to come back and bathe in it forever.
Secondly, you ARE powerless over making the
“marriage and our lives happy”. Her happiness
is her responsibility alone - all you can do is make
choices that support it. Your marriage can only be as
healthy and as happy as the combination of both of you.
If you want to increase the happiness, take care of your
half, and make it perfect, before you try to take care of
her’s. Since none of us will ever achieve such
perfection, our task remains one of increasing our own
happiness - through healing and recovery - and letting
our example be the best kind of help we can give our
partner.
Examine your honesty with yourself during the growth
of your cyber affair. I suspect - from my own similar
experiences - that the first snow job we do is on
ourself, and how we look at our motives, and what’s
really happening in the outside relationship.
Finally, I want to bring you back to the issue of
depression. In my opinion, you both have - and have had -
a very difficult struggle with this. You both have it
individually, and it has been an ongoing cloud in your
marriage. This, in my opinion, is where your search needs
to focus as soon as possible. Find a therapist and/or
support group that deals with depression. Read all you
can about it. Search,, and search some more. The shame
and self-kicking you’ve done because of it need to
be transformed into acceptance and understanding before
any real progress can happen in your marriage. Ask
yourself: “five years from now, do I want to be
still dealing with this crap in the same way, in this
marriage or another one?”. Then let the answer you
hear whispering inside guide you. It will lead you to
where you need to be, one day at a time. Good luck.
From: Barry (aka Remorseful)
Thanks for your advice... you really hit the nail on
the proverbial... i've read your response over and
over... just a few things... my wife is ringing our
mutual friends telling them that she is not going to
'take me back" whilst i realise that she is still
operating in an emotional mine-field... this doesn't do
my hopes any good... i've made some enquiries
re-depression support groups... both male only and
mixed... so i hope to do some major work in that area
etc... you also mentioned that...
You said "I don't want to lose her and I want to
make our marriage and our lives happy again". You
can only lose what you own, and you never owned her. One
of the highest forms of love is the ability to rejoice
equally in a partneršs choice to leave or stay. It IS
very difficult at this stage, but it is attainable - if
you commit yourself to finding out just how love CAN work
this way. The irony is that such type of love is very
attractive, and I suspect that those who encounter it -
even if they leave for a short period - always want to
come back and bathe in it forever.
what do you mean by "always want to come back and
bathe in it forever"... are you suggesting that my
wife may reconsider or are you referring to me?
From: Bernd
I know that what your wife is doing isn’t
“doing your hopes any good”, but my intuition
tells me that what she is doing is EXACTLY what you need
most right now. Huh? Until you have some real healing
inside you for your PERSONAL past pain, your need to get
back together will be driven by a hunger to numb that
past buried pain. Your marriage has helped you escape
dealing with that - almost like taking valium would. The
irony is that your wife’s refusal to take you back,
to show you any signs of hope, cuts off your supply of
the “marriage” drug. To make a comparison, if
you had heart trouble but were taking pain-killers to
mask the chest pains, all you’d really be doing is
giving the problem inside time to get worse.
Letting go of “wanting” to have the marriage
work again isn’t the same as giving up hope. Instead
of saying “God, I want her to take me back, I want
to make the marriage work”, you may find what works
better is “God, show me the direction I NEED to go,
to give my relationship with her the best chance of being
a truly loving one”. The second takes tremendous
faith, but when we’re lost in a jungle, the only way
out is by following the wise guide who knows the way. If
you don’t hold any particular spiritual beliefs,
that’s ok - because the process works regardless:
logically, our subconscious (intuition, inner voice,
etc.) has an uncanny knack of being able to guide us
through swamps that our conscious brain just can’t
handle.
“Logically”, many of the directions and
choices I took since Lynda’s affair came out in the
open seemed to be almost insane, or counterproductive. I
struggled many times over whether to follow where my
inner voice seemed to be leading me, instead of doing
what I “logically” thought would work better.
My inner voice - when I took the time I need to really
listen to it - was ALWAYS bang on the money, even when it
seemed to be leading me AWAY from where I wanted to go.
For example, letting her go; not trying to FIX the
marriage; not stepping in to “help” her
uninvited; telling her I had no interest in continuing
the marriage (read my Good Friday Miracle http://nsonline.com/hansen/recov.htm).
Listening to your inner voice takes practice; if you
can’t seem to hear what it’s telling you,
remember that it speaks in whispers, and the more the
wheels are turning in your head trying to figure out
solutions, the more noise those wheels make, and the more
that noise drowns out those whispers. It’s like
trying to hear a soft-spoken speaker in a crowded noisy
room - to really hear what he’s saying, you have to
quiet down all those other voices first, one by one.
Quiet meditation helps.
When I talked about “bathing”, I meant her
and you. For some reason, water seems to have a profound
effect on our souls and emotions. I took many many
soothing baths when I wanted to calm down all the anxiety
and confusion inside me. Think of a stormy sea, and then
picture yourself in it. Does it feel safe? Likely not -
the fear of drowning in it is ever-present. Now think of
a warm calm sparkling pool of water. Can you picture
yourself just relaxing in it, and letting all your
worries just float away for a while? Most relationships
are like that stormy sea. Even when the sea seems calm
for a bit, the next squall can appear without warning, so
it never really feels safe. That calm warm pool of water
is like genuine love. Always safe, always soothing. You
can’t be that pool however if you having stormy seas
of your own inside of you, from past buried pain.
That’s the key. And if you try to become “more
loving” to “win” someone back,
they’ll never react the ways you hope, which churns
you up inside, and brings back those inner storms.
Healing those storms inside you doesn’t guarantee
that she’ll come back to you; there’s also no
guarantee a starving person will accept an apple you
offer to them. But it will DEFINITELY improve the odds of
both of you finding more happiness together or apart than
each of you ever thought possible. Keep hanging in there.
From: Remorseful
i received a package in the mail today (good friday)
from my wife...2 chocolate easter rabbits and a note...
the note reads... Dear Daddy, Mommy borrowed some money
so i could send you some Easter Eggs. Hope you enjoy
them. Don't work too hard Daddy. See you in two weeks
Mommy says. Sloppy kisses and a big hug, ****** XXOO
whilst i was already feeling pretty low... easter
being a family time for me normally... getting this note
was another kick in the teeth... i told my wife that i
didn't want any 'eggs' etc... as for money... why is she
laying a guilt trip on me? "hope you enjoy
them"... "Don't work too hard..." i'm
doing all that i can... i look for clothes and books and
educational things for our son... i visit every
weekend... i go to marriage counselling every
fortnight... i've applied to start a local mens and
womens support group... i read all i can... i constantly
examine 'me' and where i'm heading... i keep a journal of
my thoughts and feelings... i wish like anything that i
could undo some of the hurt i've caused...
From: Bernd
Everything that you are doing to try to find recovery
will pay off. Have faith, give it time, and hang in there
- even when it seems to be getting you nowhere.
ESPECIALLY then.
From: Remorseful
ummm... after a fairly depressing Easter (or should i
say Eostre), i drove up to see our son as per arranged.
the conversation as usual (whilst my wife comes to my
motel room to breast feed our son) was mainly small talk.
my wife asked if i've found a place to shift to yet? to
which i answered 'no'...as she want's to come back down
to collect things she left behind, paintings, photos, art
supplies, plants, 'our' queen size water bed, etc, etc...
and i thought all that 'stuff' was like
finalised???... 0h well *sigh!* she asked if i was
moving closer to ***** as i mentioned in one of our
previous conversations that i might move closer to cut
down on travelling time (3 hours). i'm so all over the
place it's not funny! just when i think i'm getting it
together?... my wife has a rent free 2 bedroom house
(it's her gran's), receives rental assistance and a
singlr mothers pensions... and whilst i know that she
doesn't have a lot of money to spare...i.e. the constant
reminders like "i had to borroe some money so i
could buy such and such, etc"... she told me this
weekend when i asked about what she was doing with the
child maintenance that she is saving it to buy a car?...
to top off my weekend... i'd bought our son a walker type
lawn-mower that infants can push etc... as we'd discussed
getting something similiar a few weeks back. i was told
that it wasn't appropriate and that i should keep it and
give it to our son when he's older and can appreciate it?
she said it was beautiful and all but that "i didn't
get it"..."wouldn't it be better to give him
toys like that when he's older and understands what a
lawnmower is?".... *sheeesh!* i nodded and mumbled
that i thought he didn't need to understand what a lawn-
mower was to play with it but she suggested i take it
back anyway ... that is take it home and give it to our
son for xmas or whatever?... i broke down and cried fer
some strange reason... taking the walker with me.. my
wife asked about a couple of things that i'd been looking
into, a photo enlargement, a replacement CD for a damaged
one and asked me to call her mother re a date collect the
rest of her things... as i got in the car (i borrow my
little sister's btw) she said to "drive
carefully"... i cried for quite a while as i drove
off silently down the highway, knowing that there would
be know one waiting for me at home and no one worried if
i was late or didn't turn up at all?... i stopped a
number of times, eventually to have a sleep for an
hour... as i was starting to fall asleep at the wheel...
i don't know what to do anymore? i know i'm doing all
the 'right things'... i have a great job that pays really
well, with a company that looks after me, if i move
closer to my wife i'd possibly risk my job? i need to
save to buy a car myself! what do i do? i have to find a
place to move to this week? i feel like thowing in the
towel and going on a social security pension myself!! i
feel like everything is down to me? i want to provide for
my family, i want a 'home' mostly!!... i just don't know
what to do anymore? my motivation, my whole rationale for
working is shot! *big heartfelt sigh*
From: Bernd
Keep on the search you began, of rebuilding that
long-lost relationship with yourself. It's hard giving up
the dream that a "family" can fill that
emptiness inside, but you have to let go of something
that keeps giving you anguish in order to free your hands
to recieve something that can give you (with time) true
inner happiness and peace. A family can enhance that, but
it can't provide the foundation of it.
If you were working at your job for the
"family", of course having that ripped away
feels like it's shredded your work of a lot of meaning.
Somewhere in the formula tho, "Barry" got left
out, or got pushed way down on the totem pole. Just try
to remind yourself that your work CAN have real meaning
for YOU someday; give it time, and trust that you'll find
that meaning as a natural part of your other searching
for your true self.
If you quit your job to move closerr, you will still
be clinging to the hope that it will help you get your
"marriage" back. It's very unlikely ANYTHING
you do can "make" this happen, or help make it
happen - other than (paradoxically) foccsuing on
YOURSELF, not the marriage. Your wife has found a
temporary comfort zone - she's able to get you to do a
lot of what she wants, while keeping her freedom. It
feels unhealthy for you, from what you've said you've
been going through. And even though it seems she's
getting what she wants from this stage of the
"sorta-relationship", it's really not healthy
for her either; it helps her to keep escaping from what
she needs to deal with inside HER.
Listen to your pain Barry. It's trying to help you,
not hurt you. Pain tries to help us see important things
when all else fails, like having pain shoot up our arm
when we put our hand on a hot stove. Let yourself cry,
and cry, and cry some more. You have a lot of losses -
past and present - that need to be grieved over. Our
tears make rainbows in our soul. They help wash away some
of the heavy stones we've been carrying for so long.
Try to keep getting back to YOUR healing and recovery.
You are going to have many more struggles over your
marriage, and that's normal. But the more you are able to
search and reach out to help YOU heal all the past pain
you've been carrying for so long, the more the struggles
over your marriage will ease with time. Remember - you
didn't get here overnight, and you won't get to a better
place overnight. But if you take one step at a time, a
day at a time, your feet and soul will take you where you
need to go. It will get better. Just keep hanging in
there.
From: Remorseful
i'm moving house in a couple of weeks and my wife
wants to come down and collect more of her things as i
mentioned previously. how do i handle this? she wants to
sort out photos, artwork, paintings, letters, etc... and
as i mentioned she has decided that she wants our water
bed... the bed thing has me knots by itself... we've
slept on it for nearly 10 years... everything else will
rip me to pieces i'm sure? i don't know how to face this?
From: Bernd
Let yourself handle it very very badly, if that's how
it feels. If you can't give yourself permission to make
lots of mistakes, then how will you ever get out of these
handcuffs? This is your first time dealing with a
marriage breakup, so it's going to be like climbing a
mountain for the first time: lots of brusies and scrapes.
That's ok, that's normal (and believe me, I got the scars
to prove it!:)
Keep focussing on your OWN healing. Every moment you
spend on that, gives you one less moment to worry about
everything else. And as you know, so many of our problems
get solved simply by worrying??????:) Let her go. Free
her to God's care. Heal, an inch at a time, a day at a
time. You never know, God may have great plans for your
relationship with her, but he needs you to get healthy
first.
If you both had broken legs, would you and your wife
be able to walk together without feeling lots of pain at
each step? The only way to stop having each step be so
painful is for one of you to heal your broken leg - and
it can't be done overnight. Heal what you need to first.
THEN you'll be "capable" of being truly loving,
kind, and helpful to her. And throw out that crystal ball
you have! None of MINE ever worked worth a damn!:)
From: barry
hi Bernd!... well the weekend came and went and it was
as i expected fairly emptional. strangley we both got
upset and cried and yet there wasn't a release it was if
we both are trapped inside our own shells? i felt drawn
to hug my wife and just hold her but felt this would be
rejected or unwarranted somehow? things like photos and
artwork...even an iron would you believe, caused us both
a great deal of anguish. my wife asked me why i wanted to
keep so many pictures of her and i replied ...
"because i obviously feel differently about you than
you feel about me?"... the whole afternoon was
strange... almost frustrating? when it came to seperating
artwork... i wanted to keep a couple of egyptian prints
and two japanese prints... the latter caused her a great
deal of anguish because they were some how involved in
the breakup of her last relationship (12 years ago)? i
offered her one or the other stating my preference and
she broke down saying she didn't want to seperate them...
as i helped her pack her mother's stationwagon she
stopped and said... "all i ever wanted was a
"nice" man... that's all!"... she said a
number of times that it was "too late!" and
that i wouldn't have done what i did if i loved her...
when i tried to explain my feelings she explained that
even though out sex life was intermittent she 'had' still
loved me otherwise she wouldn't have stayed with me for
the last five years or wanted to have my baby? she
wouldn't have cooked and cleaned etc... even stranger
that evening and the next day she was really quite
"nice" to me? making me more confused? i tried
to keep the whole situation on an even keel and not get
upset?
out of all this i gathered that in her mind i'm not a
"nice" person?... i wanted to ask her who or
what is a "nice" person in her opinion but i
let it ride?... looking back on our years together i
asked myself what does it take to be a "nice"
person? sheesh! anyway... i'm continuing to work on
myself, support group, counselling, reading, journal,
etc... i'm giving her that space she so desperately
needs, as she is still dealing with a lot of emotions,
anger, etc... and i can't help her with that like you've
already mentioned... my gut instinct tells me that she
still loves me but... i know for a fact her mother hates
my guts... i thought she was going to physically assault
me at one stage on the weekend... if looks could kill
etc?..
i feel it's like you said Bernd... that she needs to
hang on to all that emotional "stuff" to keep
it together? if she cracks she'll fall into a heap and
let her guard down and her pain and pride and her mother
won't let that happen? i got guilt trips about her
situation i.e. having to live so far away etc...
worse still, my wife didn't even call or visit a close
girlfriend while she was down as I think my wife is
cheezed because the GF's boyfriend has moved in with me
to help meet costs... i.e. they haven't taken sides and
written me off like one other couple of "close
friends" have??...
i feel a great relief that it's done and that perhaps
now i can concentrate on improving our communication? i
did want to ask your opinion about mother's day Bernd?
it's like her very first one and so i think a very
special time... i want to do something special for her
but feel like anything i do will be interpreted the wrong
way? i thought a nice hamper of gourmet foods and some
flowers would be okay?... i'd also like to go out as
"a family" but that's not going to happen i
guess.
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