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 Irritated, frustrated, and at
the end of my rope - Damaged Shields
There's no hope for this whole situation unless I were
to miraculously grow the 'nads to just leave, or tell him
to leave. My boyfriend is a crisis junkie, as well as the
fact that his thoughts are connected directly to his
mouth, so he's constantly talking talking talking, and
when I go to speak, he either interrupts me, changes the
subject, or acts as if I didn't say anything. He's an
over reactor, is constantly asking me, "What's
wrong? Is everything ok?" even when everything is
just fine. When he asks me a question, he repeats it 3 or
4 times in a row, and I don't get a word in edgewise, and
then I'm so frustrated, that I think what I say won't
matter anyway because of how he's been in the past, I
don't even want to answer him even if I could get a word
in. Then I just decide to not talk at all. Then he can't
understand why I just don't want to make love to him
anymore. All the visions in my head of how coldly and
rudely he treated me run through my head, from when we
first started dating, and all his paranoia and
insecurities. He treats me as though I'm something I'm
not, which is usually something negative. He assumes the
worst and treats me as such, then I don't feel like I
should have to defend myself for something that doesn't
exist. He's always grumpy, uses the 'f' word way too many
times in one sentence, and just basically has a dark
cloud of gloom and doom hanging over his head all the
time.
I am basically a happy, warm, mellow, humorous person,
who enjoys a nice comfortable home life, especially after
working so hard all day long. Not a day goes by where
there's not a crisis of some sort, if not 2 or 3 or more
in one day. I'm starting to have heart palpitations. I'm
tired, my bones ache, and I can't concentrate on my own
life anymore. I care about him, I feel a strange
connection to him, but I know it's not a healthy
relationship. I can't figure out how to get out of it.
We've got all our stuff intertwined in our apartment,
we've started organizing the place a little better, but
I'm always so exhausted all the time from his constant
negativity, I just don't want to do anything. I can't
even take time for myself without him being paranoid.
He's either a real asshole, or he acts real sweet and
loving, like a roller coaster. One day I told him,
"either be an asshole, or be a nice guy, one or the
other, not both."
I think he's got some definite mental problems. His
brother is bi-polar and paranoid schizophrenic. I'm none
of these things, I just want a peaceful existence, and I
can accept an occasional moment or two, no problem, but
EVERY FRIGGIN DAY? He's not working now either, so I have
NO time to myself whatsoever. I've dug myself into this
hole. I knew a long time ago that we weren't compatible,
so at this point isn't MY fault that we're still
together? I mean, if he wants to be dysfunctional, that's
his problem. If I can't handle it then I should get away
from it. I just don't know how.
 From: Cautious
I am sorry for your pain. I have been where you are
and I remember well the feelings of fear and
hopelessness. I remember worse of all the deep feeling of
self-loathing that I carried for staying in a situation
that was obviously unhealthy but feeling unable to take
the first step to do something about it.
There is help available. The fact that you have
reached out at all speaks loudly of your internal
strength and courage. A key concept in the whole picture
of change is that of "one day at a time" There
are things that you can do today to make your life
better. Perhaps a first step could be writing on paper
what you are feeling. If you are uneasy about leaving
this around, do it, reread it, and destroy it. I was
amazed at the healing power that came from simply getting
thoughts out of my head.
You have touched on a source of healing with this web
page. I am available for conversation and thought sharing
if you are interested. I will pray for you.
From: Bernd
Triggers, triggers, triggers. There’s a line you
said that really stood out; “I am basically a happy,
warm, mellow, humorous person”. I’d like to
suggest that this is how you WANT to be, as much as
you’re able to, but isn’t how you REALLY feel
in those deep buried recesses inside. Absence of war
isn’t peace; it can be also be disguised tyranny. In
other words, pushing down the old rage and pain so we
feel the illusion of calmness and relative happiness just
lets that inner volcano build up steam, til one day it
explodes and turns our life into ashes.
That’s why I use the word triggers. Your partner
isn’t letting you bury ANYTHING, damn him! He’s
doing so unwittingly, and yes his behavior is very
unhealthy. But there’s 2 things you can do with shit
- curse it, or find it’s hidden value (I try using
it to make MY garden grow greener).
Paradoxically, my guess is that, eventually,
you’d find yourself getting edgier and edgier in
time with a calm, peaceful partner. That kind of partner
wouldn’t serve as a distraction to your own hidden
volcano.
I’m not suggesting for a moment that staying is a
“healthy” thing. But my guess is that you
won’t be able to find a healthy way of putting some
distance between you and him until you accept that the
“visible” storm he keeps creating is a pretty
good mirror of the storm hidden inside you. That’s
scary, I know. You got enough on your plate already, it
seems. But the truth is, from my own experience, is that
until I’m ready to finally walk INTO the fire
inside, I’ll never be able to find any meaningful
peace. If you find yourself ready to plunge into that
volcano inside at some point, try to find a spiritual,
kind, caring therapist who has been through the same
process himself/herself.
What I’ve found is that my internal volcano has
been a lot like the monsters under my bed. Terrifying as
hell, but my imagination and fear of what they were like
gave them their real power. Each one I’ve tackled
and wrestled to the ground has actually turned out to be
just another old sock, or pile of dust under the bed in
retrospect. But try to tell me that BEFORE I face each
one!
Cautious seems to have a unique empathy for what you
are dealing with. My guess is that you both have the
potential to become important allies in each others
healing journey. Sure hope that’s so. I need all the
help I can get in mine, and know the power of having each
new person sharing that struggle. You are both helping
me.
Hang in there girl. You have some angels rooting for
you.
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