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 Wife not in love with me -
David, S.
I have been married for over 17 years. My wife and I
are relatively sucsessful, and make a comfortable living
We have a son who is 15. My situation is that my wife
tells me she is not interested in haveing any sexual
activities. She says she is just not interested. I on the
other hand would very much like to have a sexual
relationship with her. I am unsure if her feelings are
shared by other women with their mates. Both of us are in
are early 40's. She tells me she loves me very much, and
has strong feelings for me. She says that she is not in
love with me. Is there a difference with these
statements, I can't help but wonder. I am getting very
frustrated with her. I have never had an affair and do
not want to. To me my wife is the most warm and wonderful
person I know. I am not interested in just the sex. I
want the closeness of her affections. She has started to
sleep in the separate bedroom. Can anyone offer an
opinion.
 From: hugger
Dear David...i really feel for both of you...when
women reach the 40's and no longer are in childbearing
age...their desire for sex does deminish. they no longer
have that strong urge, usually duing their fertile time,
to make love ...the other thing is that men have the
desire...urge much more strongly that women do forever...
She needs to be made aware of that too..why is she in
another bedroom...is she afaid that if you are close then
she is required to have sex with you...that might be a
place to begin..tell her that if she comes back to your
bedroom, you promise not to have intercourse..you really
have to mean that...she must trust you and you must have
the will not to pursue that...then you and she can be
close..cuddling sleeping next to each other...having nice
conversation.etc...without the pressure...see how that
goes..and let her be the one to decide when the hugging
gets to be too much...you might find that the necking and
stuff is something that you have missed all these
years..i myself enjoy love making once a week or so..my
husband 3-4 times per week...so we do for him and not
worry about me..or i let him know if i too am
interested..we call theml quickies.. then i am not
pressured to perform..i hope this helps you...your wife
is not alone in these feelings of wanting less but i
don't think that being in a separate bedroom is healthy
for your marriage..so first get her out of that runaway
place.
From: Bernd
Hugger, tell Lynda about sexual desire waning in her
40’s!!:) ...(maybe she has some men’s genes
tucked away somewhere inside??? *grin*)
I think it’s very common tho for women in their
40’s to stop giving in to hidden senses of
obligation in the bedroom, and I know of a number of our
acquaintances in their 40’s where sex has dwindled
to next to nothing in the marriage, with the women
“losing interest”. My guess is that
“giving up” in the bedroom is usually the tip
of the iceberg; at the root of it is a resignation to
settling, to giving up on hopes of ever feeling that
magical love they knew once existed, or could have
existed. To “feel fully” is simply too painful,
and too much effort anymore. And it’s too risky,
because it brings up thoughts of leaving the marriage, or
having an affair - which slams right up against the inner
commitment to the children, and their own sense of
values.
What you said about hugging, and being close, without
the risk of it becoming “sexual” rings very
deep echoes inside me. I agree that this is a very
important foundation of intimacy, and the less non-sexual
hugging, play, and closeness there is, the less
“sexual” intimacy there’s likely to be.
Pressure/obligation and love are like oil and water -
they don’t mix. Empathy, and listening, and caring
however are very much part of love. My guess is when we
give those to our partner in genuine ways, their natural
sexuality gets a chance to work its way out, and the most
surprising thing is, us guys also discover that
we’ve been missing out on big part of the total
sexual experience - the deep spiritual sexual rush that
comes from being a safe place for our partner.
Anyway, you said it great hugger, but you know how I
like to ramble.:)
From: Bernd
David, can you tell me a bit about what’s been
happening in your relationship and/or lives over the past
few years, and what your sex life was like before, and
when it began to change, and what things began to change?
This would help me in exploring what may lie behind her
lack of interest.
From: hugger
Bernd...yes my hubby has discovered newness in our
40's...our experiences continue to get better...both
sexually and intimately in other ways..our love for each
other is deeper each day and thus our love making is more
profound too...i still have great desire for him,,,just
not as often...we always have lots of cuddling tho and
have learned how to "read" each other's needs
and desires...it's a fine tuning that 23 years have
rewarded us with...thanks for your comments and i am sure
glad that you and Lynda are having fun with each other
again..for the first time..!!!!
From: Damaged Shields
Perhaps you need to ask HER why she isn't interested
in a sexual relationship with you anymore? I'm in a
situation currently where the reason why I am not
interested in anything sexual is because I have so much
resentment and 'visions' in my head about all the painful
things my partner has said and done to me over the past
year and a half of our relationship. It's hard to make
love to someone who has treated you terribly. If you
decide to ask her why, make sure you approach her softly
and lovingly, and be prepared to LISTEN to what she has
to say. DO NOT be defensive, argumentive, or attacking.
just listen. It's something I wish my partner would do
for me, come ask me gently, and just listen. Good Luck.
(hug)
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