 Wife continuing her affair -
MZET
Yesterday I found out my wife has continued her
affair, on and off, I guess. She told me today she has
tried to stop it but keeps falling. She stops for two
weeks and then restarts the week after. Then stops again
for two weeks. It's been like this for two and a half
months.
I had the hunch it wasn't really over, and having it
confirmed is so devastating all over again...You're right
Bernd, you did say expect things to get worse...
But now I just feel that enough is enough....She says
she has not seen him for three weeks now and that she is
really trying very hard this time, but why should I
believe her? She's been lying for eight months now...
Just told my wife I was going to get a divorce. I have
the appointment tomorrow to start the process. My mind is
saying, you idiot, she's been lying all along, do you
think she'll really stop?, get a life. Yet that damn
voice inside of me keeps nagging me: Don't do it, hang in
there, forgive seventy times seven, do the loving thing.
I'm going bananas! Help!
 From: Bernd
Mzet, I “ended” our marriage so many times I
lost count. The pain gets so intense at times, that it
seems like the only way to put an end to it.
I was lucky. But not in the way it first appears. I
was lucky because of my depression. It made my options
VERY limited. I didn’t have the financial resources
- or steady income - to support myself. I also knew that
without even my meagre income to help out, the household
bills would become next to impossible for Lynda alone on
her income, and I knew the kids would not only suffer the
uncertainty of their parents splitting, but the also the
fear of losing so much else (not possessions, but
whatever feeling of safety they had left).
That wasn’t the only factor, but it was one of
them. The others included a real panic in Lynda each time
I “called it quits” (except the last time I
did), and my own confusion about whether leaving would
just trade one set of problems and pain for another.
You have something under your belt that I never had at
your stage. A real empathy for others’ pain, and a
solid beginning in understanding what your soul is trying
to tell you. You are at 8 months where it took me 2 years
to find. That is no BS.
My guess is you are trying to control your flood of
tears by sticking fingers in the dike, and your wife just
keeps putting another hole in the wall. The flood has to
happen, again, and again, before it can begin cleansing
the confusion and deep pain you feel. A good part of that
flood doesn’t belong to your wife; it comes from
BEFORE your relationship. It’s been a long time due.
I used to have my “crying songs”, songs that
I’d stick in the cassette of the car that would get
my tears going in torrents. I found it hard to REALLY cry
otherwise; I’d never had much practice at letting
tears out. It wasn’t how a “man” was
supposed to handle things.
My crying songs included “Long and Winding
Road” by the Beatles; “Careless Whisper”
by John Michaels (the group WHAM), and Elvis’s
“My Way”. Eric Clapton has some good
tear-release songs: “Heaven” (written after the
death of his son) and his latest “If I Could Change
the World”.
I’m going to give you a little perspective here
too. Your wife is having the same difficulty letting go
of her affair, as you are trying to let go of your need
to have her STOP having the affair. She is not doing this
to you; because of your closeness, you are caught up in
the windstorm that is her own desperate search for
answers. Step away, but not too far away. Your own search
for answers and healing may very well become the light in
the darkness that can finally help her find her way. My
sense is that God is very much okay with a choice to
divorce if that’s the route you chose, but the
treasure of greatest value - far greater than you can
imagine right now - lies in continuing to listen to that
little voice. It doesn’t come from God - it comes
from a very special part of you that is very, very wise,
that has pipeline to God. This is not something “out
there” guiding you; it is the very essence of you
whispering those words. Trust it, trust yourself.
You’ll understand why when it’s time.
One of the things that helped me a lot when I was
dealing with impossible pain was an image I got of a wise
old man standing or sitting beside me. When I looked in
his eyes, I saw tears, and so much compassion for what I
was going thru. I saw love in his eyes, and I was aware
that he saw so much that I didn’t yet, but have
since discovered. That image carried me through many dark
moments.
Give your wife the freedom to find her own way. Reach
out to your wise old man inside to cradle you with
compassion, and look in his eyes. Ask him what you need
to do; ask him to help you find the real magic and power
of love, acceptance, and compassion that’s waiting
inside you.
And don’t be misled by thoughts of “why
should I go first, not her?”. Lynda and I have
traded places so many times on our paths of recovery.
Sometimes I forge the path ahead first, sometimes she
does. It happens on its own. Whoever goes first though
doesn’t really matter. I do what I need to because
it helps ME heal; that’s the motivation. I know now
that my healing radiates outward when it happens, and
because Lynda is such a good mirror, it always radiates
back. We both benefit, always.
You have a lot of great soil in your garden, even if a
lot of it seems like manure right now. But that’s
the neat thing about shit; when we stop cursing it, we
discover that it can help make our gardens blossom
wonderfully in ways that would have been impossible
without it.
The struggle you are in right now won’t last
forever. Trust that little voice. It’s taking you
where you really want to go.
Big hugggggs
From: MZET
Bernd: My wife and I spent a good part of the night
talking about the divorce. The next morning I went to
mass and realized that I just couldn’t do it, not
because of the kids or my wife, but because of me. That a
divorce is a pain killer, that my marriage vows were
unbreakable, regardless of what my partner does. After
mass I told my wife that I was calling the attorney to
stop the process of divorce that I had started earlier in
the week.
I think I finally, finally, don’t need my wife to
change, to stop the affair, to love me again. I feel a
peace that I have not felt for a looong time, years
maybe. I sense that perhaps you are right, that my
healing will radiate.
I will step away, but not too far away, like you say,
to give my wife the freedom she needs to find her way.
I know it sounds crazy, but somehow my marriage, as
painful as it is today, is giving me now a huge gift: the
gift of myself to me, of knowing who I am.
From: Bernd
You got it! There'll be plenty more gifts.. is that a
flashlight I see somewhere near the end of the
tunnel???:)
That damn little voice eh?:)
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