 Does he really love me - Cin
I have had a long history of heartache. When I was 19,
I got married for the wrong reasons. Had an ongoing
affair with a man I date now. My marriage lasted 11 years
and I can honestly say I left the marriage because of our
problems not because someone else would be waiting for
me. Guess what after 1 year of being out on my own I
started dated this man I had an affair . We have known
each other for about 10 years. I love this man but can't
seem to undersand why he loves me when things are going
good. But then when we argue he wants to quit the
relationship. Am I just fooling myself. Is he confused or
really doesn't know what he wants. I'm torned between
telling him its over and starting again, or do I take the
chance and give him time to get his feeling together. He
has left me before but has always come back. I am not an
insecure person. I work full time, take care of 2
childred, and go to school 2 nights a week. PLEASE I NEED
TO KNOW WHAT TO DO. DO I SAY GOODBY AND MAYBE HE WILL
COME TO REALIZE HE TRULY LOVES ME OR LET HIM GO AND SAVE
MYSELF THE HURT OF HIM COMING TO ME LATER ON TO SAY"
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT, I NEED SOME TIME". PLEASE
I REALLY NEED SOME ADVICE.
 From: Bernd
It’s okay to be insecure. In fact, it’s very
human. For both of you. I think fear is very much at the
root of both of your roller coaster rides. Fear that when
you let down your walls, the other will hurt you (and
this usually happens for real, which reinforces it). Fear
that “it’s my fault”. A deep down
subconscious fear that we’re really not worthy of
being loved. And a big one - a fear that we’ll never
find out whatever seems to be driving us off the deep end
of the pain cliff at times when we least expect it.
My guess is that inside there’s some real anger
at the load you’re carrying in this relationship -
working, housework, kids, and school. It wears me out
just thinking about it. That anger (and I suspect
there’s more from your past buried under it) needs
to be accepted, and felt fully, in a safe place at first,
which means NOT with your partner. That anger is okay;
it’s trying to tell you something very important
that can help you, but it can’t do that until you
let yourself really feel it, and accept it. You may think
that pushing it down is less riskier than accepting it
fully, but it’s leaking out when you least expect it
anyway, and in other ways that likely often get beyond
any real control. In reality, we can’t lock away ANY
of our emotions; if we don’t accept them by free
choice, they come out another way, and that way usually
ends up causing us even more pain. This may be a bit of a
gross example, but I think it cuts right to the point. If
you don’t go to the bathroom for the next week,
what’s likely to happen to your body and your life?
It would go very much right down the tubes. As much as we
dislike the products of such bodily functions,
“letting them out fully” is essential to our
physical health. When we don’t choose where to
“let out crap”, it has a way of coming out in
ways and at times that cause us BIG problems. (Enough of
the gross comparisons!:)
Can you tell me a bit more about your childhood;
whether there was any abuse you can remember, and what
things caused you real pain as a child? Those imprints
run deep; in my experience, cutting off weeds at the
surface just lets them grow back again, sometimes even
stronger. It’s only when I go to the roots of my own
weeds that I’m able to find a way to release them
forever.
Hope to hear more from you. Hope this gives you a
little start, and a little hope.
From: cin
Hi Bernd. I'm one of six children and my mother raised
us alone. She became verbally abusive when I was about
ten. I constantly ran away from home and was a very lost
teenager. I saw alot in life to early and became very
mature at a young age. My half brother sexually abused me
when I was 5 and 6. I forgive him now because it came out
and he suffers from retardation. He has a mind of a 15
year old. I don't have any sexual hangups and I'm a very
open person. I wasn't when I was married but I am now. My
present relationship is what I struggle with everyday. At
first I didn't think I wanted anything committed but now
I want a little more. My children adore this man and I
love him dearly. I love him for what he. He has low self
esteem because he only made it to grade 9 or 10 and is
not a very good reader or writer. This doesn't bother me
at all. Things like this make me believe I truly love
him. Sometimes when we talk he seems like he wants a more
commited relationship. Like talking about buying a house
or doing thing with my children. Family things. Then
other times he seems like he doesn't know what he wants.
Am I expecting to much to soon. Or is he truly afraid.
I'm the only person that has never left him. His past
relationships have been 2 to 6 months and the women
always leave.
From: Bernd
Cin, Your posting about your past really shed a lot of
light on your current struggle. Thank you for your
openness - I know there are others here who will be able
to identify with some of the very painful things you had
to face as a child.
It is a very natural and loving part of us that wants
to forgive painful trama that we experienced as a child.
But forgiveness work takes time, and it also takes
mending the deep wounds we’ve gotten inside that are
often buried beyond our awareness. The irony about the
struggles many of us have in our current relationships is
that they are often very direct signposts to healing that
we THOUGHT we did, but still very much need to do.
You’ve given that process a good start; now
it’s time to look at what else needs to be done.
I suspect that one of the things you still feel inner
rage over is how the adults of the world - including your
mom and absent dad - allowed all that childhood shit to
happen. Part of the old anger I’m still dealing with
revolves around “Where they hell were
they????!”, when I think of all the adults
(including my parents) that left children out to dry in
varying degrees. When you said you had become “very
mature” as a child, the reality is more likely you
had to assume an adult role which would have SHUT DOWN
your natural process of maturation. You lost a childhood,
and until you get it back - replace it with something
better - you’ll keep trying to compensate for that
loss in frustrating ways.
If you’ve lost hope that you’ll ever be able
to get back your childhood, the next best thing - on an
unconscious level - is to help someone else. This is very
human, and very natural. Your choice of a partner who has
a lot in common with your brother doesn’t feel like
a coincidence to me. They are both people that “no
one else wants” - or few other people want. You know
that feeling of being alone, of being unwanted
intimately, and your heart goes out to others who have
similar struggles.
My guess is that you are also caught between two very
opposing needs: one, to love and accept someone that
needs it as much as your husband does, and two - to have
enough of your turn to be “taken care of”,
instead of you doing all or most of the “taking
care”. With your husband’s past and difficulty
with education, I suspect that he often feels like a
failure in taking care of you, which would lead to anger
and resentment.
Do you have treasure here, or a swamp? My guess is
both, and neither. This relationship holds some
tremendous lessons about love and healing, but they will
not come easy should you decide to search for them. If
you do, here’s what I see as essential ingredients.
- A search back into the still-present after effects
of your childhood abuse. You may find this thru therapy,
but I think an appropriate support group would likely be
the best source of discovery and healing. Hearing others
talk and cry over their past abuse, and talking to them,
will likely trigger open the hidden trapdoors you still
need to find. I suspect that logically you feel
you’ve “done this route”. My suggestion is
just go with it for a while, and see what unfolds,
without expectations either way.
- A rebuilding of your childhood. Impossible? Not at
all. One of the things about being the
“responsible” one is that it shuts off many of
your opportunities to be a child, to nurture that child
within. You don’t have to give up your work, or
shelve any of your other important responsibilities to
let your inner child out to play. What it takes is a
commitment to treating your inner child with the same
love, kindness and caring as you want to treat your own
children. Taking the chance to turn a moment of work into
play, for example. Any reason why you can’t do a jig
in the middle of making supper? Feel foolish? That’s
the true indicator it’s your child you’re
letting dance!:) Every moment and memory you give
yourself that has a childlike quality to it will build
new childhood memories inside of you - REAL memories.
That is powerful healing stuff. And it will enhance your
ADULT life in immeasurable ways. Ask Lynda.
- A new honesty about your relationship with your
husband. As much as you want to “help” him with
his difficulties - and unless I’m reading wrong,
somewhere between the lines I’m picking up this
includes sex - the only truly loving way you can help him
is by healing yourself. In doing this, you’ll be
able to make more loving choices that are win/win for
both of you, without him feeling as if you are the
“smart, able one”, and him the lucky recipient
of your love. When one partner feels less equal than the
other - even if there seem to be “rational”
reasons for this imbalance - resentment and strife become
natural byproducts. God gives us each our own unique
gifts; many of those aren’t valued by society, but
we each have the opportunity of finding their real value
in our relationships and lives. As you’ve already
discovered, he’s great with the kids. There are
plenty of geniuses who are atrocious with kids. Try to
begin looking for how you two fit together like puzzle
pieces, each one complementing the other with a strength
where the other has a weakness. Aim for equality, try to
wait more for an “invitation to help” before
“helping him” with something, and look for ways
to build mutual respect.
I’m going to shut off my motor mouth now.:) Hope
some of this helps you in some small way. You have
touched me with your caring, compassion, and desire to
make a difference. Thanks.
Big huggggs
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