 Living with a perfectionist -
Dizzy
I'm having a hard time living in peace with my spouse
who happens to be a perfectionist in denial. He doesn't
want to admit that he just like his uptight aunt (who
raised him) and his nit-picky sister whom he hardly
communicates with but, is becoming more and more like
everyday. Due to our financial situation, mainly as a
result of him being in and out of jobs, I have to work
two jobs to make ends meet. After I come home from
working two jobs at 10:00pm he has still not gotten up
from the couch to fix something to eat for dinner. Which
forces me to cook something from scratch after 10:00pm.
That is not fair, if I am working two jobs, he should be
willing to help me out. He should be ashamed to start
with that his wife has to work two jobs, most men would
be embarrassed about that fact to begin with. Then when
we get in an argument, has the nerve to bring up the fact
that I never want to work or do anything around the
house.
I'm tired most of the time and don't really recuperate
until the weekend. Nothing is ever good enough for him.
And then if I do something wrong (such as not listen to
something he says to me the first time he says it, he has
so little patience, he can't repeat it because, I
"should have listened the first time". He has
no patience for human error, as though he's God. I'm
tired of it.
 From: Bernd
It sounds like the main thing happening in your
relationship is anger, on both sides. And as tempting as
it is to pinpoint the source of it as one partner or the
other, my experience is that both partner's are usually
each contributing half of the anger, and the sources for
that anger. My sense is that you are both dealing with
struggles that you are blaming the other for, and are
both expecting things of the other that are impossible to
deliver right now.
As much as you'd like him to change, wishing and
hoping he'll change won't make that happen, and will
simply keep fuelling your own frustration, which
ironically will fuel his stubbornness even more. Drag,
eh? If you want life to get easier, the only thing you
have any control over is yourself.
What can you do? My guess is one of the most important
things is finding ways to make your anger work FOR you,
instead of against you. I'd definitely recommend finding
supportive people that you can vent to. If therapy is an
option, this would definitely help you get your anger out
in constructive ways, instead of keeping it bottled up
inside or using it to lash out at him.
I don't know how this will come across, but I'll take
a leap anyway. Often the things that irritate us most
about our partners are things that are very true of
ourselves as well. As much as he "should"
seemingly do certain things that you want, he may very
well see what you as just as much as a
"perfectionist" as you see him. And my guess is
that there would be as much truth to that, as vice versa.
Comparing him to his sister and aunt sends a clear
message to him that "your" standards are what
he has to live up to. If the shoe was on the other foot,
I suspect you'd hate being compared to someone that he
disliked.
You have choices about what you're willing to do for
him in this relationship. If he isn't bringing in income,
it's your choice to decide how important that is in a
relationship, and how willing you are to support a
non-income partner. Whatever you decide, if you can
recognize that it's YOUR choice, then it also becomes
easier to see that doing it "for him" just sets
up resentment in you, and hidden expectations for
"something in return", which are likely to be
disappointed. Bargaining in a relationship isn't love;
it's something else.
I hope you find the motivation to keep reaching out
for help and insight. My sense is that both of you have
been dealing with anger and frustration in your lives for
a long time - in the relationship, and before it. That
weight DOES get very tiring, and keeps getting even more
tiring as you get older. You both deserve more happiness
out of life than you're getting right now.
Good luck.
From: cindy
I'm surprised you lasted this long. Who does this guy
think he is? If I were you, I'd give him the boot.
There's nothing more degrading then what this guy is
doing to you. I'm surprised he doesn't hit you. Say
goodbye and find someone else who can contribute as much
as you can. It takes 2 to build a secure and stable
relationship. Good Luck
From: robin
Bernd, I find your answers sometimes very encouraging
but sometimes they are so dramatic. Not everyone needs
counselling, or should seek counselling for their
problems. Aren't we here to give advise because people
are in need of it. Living with a perfectionist is a very
good example. I'm sure she doesn't need to see a
counsellor, but she does need some advice as to what to
do. Or someone else's experience with their deadbeat
spouse. Her comparing him to his Aunt or Sister doesn't
say she is the perfectionist. Its sounds to me that all
the work she has put in the marriage or relationship, she
isn't getting anything out of it, except anger and
frustration because of his problem. There doesn't always
have to be something missing that someone forgot to say,
she could quite honestly have a spouse who is nothing but
a lazy bum, and her opinion on his aunt and sister is
just her opinion. Nothing more.
From: Bernd
Robin, I really don't know where on the dramatic scale
my comments were. Sometimes, I hit close to the mark,
other times I'm way out in left field. I might have been
right out of the ballpark on this one.:)
But the neat thing about this forum, is the variety of
thoughts and opinions people give. To me, your post helps
bring perspective to my comments, and it feels great. It
reminds me that we get closer to the truth by looking at
many sides, and many viewpoints, and finding out what
works, and what doesn't.
I probably also get more wordy than some people like
at times, or get a bit more in depth than some people
like. That's ok. The neat thing about the net is that the
"back" button on web browsers work pretty darn
good!:)
About the "lazy bum" thing, I'd like to
share a little bit from my own experience. I've been in
and out of work most of my life - mostly out - and my
frustration over that part of my life really added a lot
to the dark clouds Lynda and I dealt with. Depression,
and other emotional and mental "illnesses"
really suck - for both people in a marriage, until they
realize what the real causes are, and find better ways of
dealing with them. I don't know what the root causes are
behind her husband's work difficulties, but what I do
know is both sexes have some very judgmental phrases that
they use in labelling their partners in unhappy
marriages, and I've never seen those judgements do
anything other than add more anger and more blame in the
relationship. If I'm trying to figure out how to put out
a fire, it doesn't help to throw more gasoline on it. My
suggestion of therapy is like calling the fire
department. If all my efforts aren't getting me what I
want, then trying to keep fixing things on my own is
going to keep me in the pit. If I can't manage a fire on
my own, maybe calling the fire department will help?:)
I don't know what will help her find a way to more
happiness, whether in this relationship or out of it.
From what Lynda and I went thru, I found that our bottled
up anger had a way of fogging things up royally for both
of us. I wasn't able to see that I was spinning my tires
in the mud, and just sinking deeper and deeper, until I
went for outside help. It saved my life.
You're right; therapy may not be the answer, or an
answer for her. I really don't know. She can try it, or
discard it as an option. My main hope is that she does
find something that DOES work. Life really is too short
to spend most of it in a cloud of anger. He may be the
problem, or he may just be the tip of the iceberg. Again
I don't know - no matter what hunches I think I have. I
hope that she gets a lot more responses than just mine.
That will give her the best chance of sifting thru all
the different viewpoints, and finding something that
works, and works good. That's my hope, and I suspect
yours too.
One day I'll be able to stop at 2 lines!:)
From: Dizzy
Hold off you guys, let me go back and give you more
details about what is going on with us. My husband came
from a very unstable household. He and his brother were
foster children and for all intents and purposes, should
be dead by now. Thankfully, by the grace of God, they are
both alive, but, they are not well. My husband is a
result of a strict, Baptist and Jehovah's Witness
influence early in his life. He was later raised by his
grandfather who was a very devout Baptist preacher.
Unfortunately, he did more harm than good in raising the
two of them. He never really felt loved by him or his
other relatives whom he really loved. When he needed
them, they were never there. He even got an full academic
scholarship to college back in the '70's but, when he
needed money for books, everyone in his family,
(including an aunt who owned two homes) complained they
had no money. As time went on, he eventually had to leave
school due to no support from them and the lack of jobs
available. This was the beginning of him getting into
trouble at a young age and instead of getting direction
from his relatives, he got judgement. Never knew his
father, mother died of a heroin overdose when he was 5
years old. She didn't even name him or his brother, both
have on their birth certificates "Male" in the
place of their first names. They both later named
themselves.
Needless to say he holds a certain amount of
bitterness and resentment inside towards them, even
though he tells me he doesn't and that he still loves
them because, after all they are his family. We even went
out of our way to investigate where all of them lived
(and even went to their homes) to invite them to our
wedding. Both of us were born in the same state and we
got married there. Both our families are up there also.
Out of 300+ people who attended, maybe 10 of his
relatives came, and they were relatives through marriage.
As a result, not only has he picked up this habit of
having to do everything right from his grandfather, his
aunt and his sister, he has this strong desire for
staying away from people who let him down. He guards
himself from rejection, and sometimes he acts like that
towards me. This has carried into his life now with
people he meets who could possibly help him or influence
his opinion on life. He's become bitter. And I'm not used
to living with bitter people. And Bernd, the only reason
I brought up his aunt and sister the first time I wrote
was because HE always compares himself to them. I never
bring that up to him because I don't know them very well.
He has this underlying fear that when he is old, that he
will be set in his ways and nit-picky like them. And he
gets gets upset with himself and me if he sees that
happening or I bring to his attention that he's been a
little too overbearing about a certain subject. He has
not addressed this fact in his life. I see it as clear as
day.
He will say to me (because he is 8 years older) that
being that he is older than I am that he knows better in
alot of different areas of life. I am 30 and I don't
believe that. I believe that you are a reflection of the
life you live. And if someone is trying to give me advise
on something and that person's life isn't an example of
what they are trying to tell me or that they are even
trying, I will take what that person tells me with a
grain of salt. It is possible to "live long and
wrong".
Lately, this is what our disagreements have been based
on. He feels that because he is older, and my husband,
that I should take what he says even over my opinion
because he's lived longer. And, will get upset if I tell
him, "I believe that is your opinion but, I have
learned otherwise about that subject". Or an
argument will result when I'm trying to express my
thoughts about how something he did made me feel. He
listens and then takes it personally like I'm trying to
put a guilt trip on him, when I'm honestly telling him
how I feel. His way of dealing with those emotions is by
getting upset and we never resolve anything. He doesn't
feel he has a problem in this area.
I'm sorry this has taken so long to type out, I
haven't even told you everything. I'm definitely not
making excuses for him because some of these same things
we have talked about but, he doesn't take them seriously
enough. He doesn't realize how his outlook on life based
on his childhood and his lack of healing from it has
impacted every area of his life and it holds him back. My
prayer is that he wakes up to this revelation soon before
we have children, I don't want that past on to our
children.
From: Bernd
Your second post fills in a LOT of missing pieces, and
gives me a better sense of what’s happening in your
relationship.
Anger seems as thick as pea soup in this relationship.
And my sense is that the roots of it lies at very
appropriate rage over the crap and mistreatment that BOTH
of you received during childhood, as different as your
childhoods may appear on the surface.
It isn’t just the amount of “unlove” we
have to deal with as children that affects our
relationships as adults, as much as the combination of it
and other factors: our ability to cope with pain, the
amount we feel it, and how well we’ve learned to
repress it. My childhood was a picnic in comparison to
Lynda’s, yet my struggle with it is just as
confusing and painful as her struggle with hers. Why?
I’ve tried to find the answer to that for years, and
it’s only lately that it’s begun to make some
sense.
We all have our own unique tolerances to emotional
pain, just like we all have unique immune systems that
handle flus and other diseases. One person may get a
really bad flu bug, and sail thru it with just a few
sniffles, while another person may get a “mild”
cold, yet have it wipe them out and suck their energy for
days. When we look at the source of the suffering alone,
we miss out seeing that we may be dealing with and
feeling the same LEVEL of pain inside, even though it
seems our partner has had it a lot worse. We can lull
ourselves into a belief that we can help our partner deal
with their pain and struggle, because we seem to have
less of a load than they do, when actually we’re
having just as tough time trying to heal ourselves, as
they are trying to heal themselves.
This has certainly been true in mine and Lynda’s
case. It wasn’t until I stopped trying to
“help” her, that real change began to happen in
our marriage. My depression makes my tolerance to crap a
lot lower than hers; I feel drugged out and affected by
things that she hardly bats an eye over.
When I suggested therapy, and reaching out, it was
because of my belief that the most powerful help we can
give our partner is our example. If we minimize our
leftover childhood pain, that example will influence them
more than anything else we say or do. It sounds very much
like your husband is trying to minimize how much his
childhood affected him, and you see more of the truth -
that it’s still a very big load on his shoulders. Is
it possible that your own is still just as big a load on
yours? (A 50 pound weight on the back of someone who
really “feels” will be just as aggravating and
frustrating as a 200 pound weight on the back of someone
who has found a way to dull their nerve endings).
I’m not trying to minimize his problems, or
suggest that “you” are the “problem”,
because you are not. Neither of you are “the
problem”. When you combine the anger and frustration
I suspect both of you are carrying and trying to find a
way out of, it feeds on itself the more you try to find
solutions by having the “other one” change. No
matter how much we think we know another person,
it’s impossible to understand how all the confusing
feelings, old pain, thoughts and bottled up anger combine
to lead them to the kind of choices they make. Damn,
it’s hard enough understanding what makes US really
tick. And ironically, it’s only when we go thru the
long, arduous, confusing journey of finding out
what’s really happening inside ourselves that we
begin to get a truer understanding of what our partner is
dealing with.
As we learn to search deep inside our most buried
recesses, and come to peace with the “uglier”
and sometimes terrifying parts of ourselves, we also find
it becomes easier as well to treat our partner with a
kind of acceptance and compassion that gives us back more
inner peace, and helps us make better choices in taking
care of our own needs. We are able to be clearer about
what is acceptable to us and what isn’t, and we are
better able to make solid choices in dealing with those
things that are unacceptable.
Those are my best guesses. I’ve seen a lot of
marriages self-destruct from anger, and usually the
divorced couples split that anger and take it with them
just like the rest of the marital assets. The only thing
that seems to really work in OUR marriage is example -
every thing that Lynda does that is really healthy for
her, I gain from - and vice versa. It’s a big leap
of faith at times, but it’s paid off every time so
far.
It reminds me of a saying I heard: “Every time I
try to light your candle, I end up burning you. I think
I’m just going to try lighting mine from now on. It
will be there for you, whenever you’re ready to
light yours.”
Hope something I said helps you get a step closer to
where you want and deserve to be.
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