 |
 Cosmic Kick in the Butt -
Damaged Shields
I'm not sure if I'm looking for sympathy, a shoulder
to cry on, advice, or just a chance to get this off my
chest, but I'll do it anyway.
I moved out here, out WEST, 7 years ago, from the deep
south (EAST). I ran away from a dysfunctional family. I
left my son with them. I eventually went back and
retrieved my child, and tried doing the single parent
thing out here, and that didn't work out so I sent him
back a few years ago. Ever since I came out here, nothing
has really worked out, relationships with men were
dysfunctional, job situations were horrible, and my guilt
of not helping raise my son was overpowering. I've shared
alot in this forum about my recent relationship, which
tonight, during our first counselling session ever, I'm
going to tell him that it's all over. I have to wait til
I'm in a safe environment to do it. On top of that,
yesterday, my boss called me and terminated my
employment, very much to my surprise. I'm not real upset
about it with the exception of the financial end of
things. I've been supporting my boyfriend for the past 6
months, so now it's his turn, even though I'm giving him
the boot. I look at this as an opportunity rather than a
set back. I didn't like the job that much, I always felt
I was more intelligent than that job required....
probably the reason why I got fire, I had no fear of the
boss. Gee, I treated him as a equal, WHOOPS. There's
nothing holding me here out west anymore. I love it out
here, the mountains, the coast, the culture, the cooler
temperatures... but my son needs me because he's a
teenager now. He's always needed me, but my family made
it so hard for me to be around him. 5 weeks ago, I had a
miscarriage, THANK GOD. A little boo boo in a weak
moment, been celibate ever since. I'm just kind of scared
now. I know that 'fate', or 'destiny' or whatever you
want to call it is trying to tell me something. It's
saying, "MOVE BACK EAST".
I have gained alot of fresh insight though, being out
here and away from the turmoil. It's easier to think when
you aren't being bombarded by verbal abuse. Even through
the verbal abuse I experienced in this recent
relationship, I've still been able to reflect on my
family situation. So in a way, I feel that my boss gave
me some wings. My biggest fear is that I've been through
this pattern before. I move away from home, I get settled
in, I send for my son, things get too tough, I send him
back home, things fall apart, and I move back home. This
cycle has happened 7 times already in his life. I tried
to break the chain. This is the longest I've stayed away
though, usually the cycle happens within 2 years, rather
than 7. But it's happening again. I'm going to move back
home I think. At least until he's 18. I guess when he was
born, I went into shock and ran for my life. I know this
isn't a specific 'relationship' thing, but it is a
relationship with my family, and an example of running
away from home to get away from dysfunction, only to
recreate it through a bad relationship.
I love my child very much, I'm glad he exists, but
more thought should have gone into conceiving him. He was
actually planned, at a point in my life where I was still
running away from my crazy family. Now I'm running away
from my crazy boyfriend. Maybe I'm just trying to run
away from myself. I know that deep inside myself, I know
how I want to be treated and how I want to treat others.
I want peace and intelligence. I want basic human
respect. But it seems that not everyone feels this way,
so maybe in a twisted sense I *AM* wrong in the way I
think. Maybe I'm too nice, too sensitive, too caring, too
considerate. I expect that in return. It's obvious too
much to ask for. It makes me want to be alone with
myself. I have found a few other people like me in this
world, and they are dear friends. They too suffer as I
do. There's alot of anger and hatred in this world, and
it's too big for me to mellow on my own.
I'm searching for a space where people are kind to
each other, who are understanding and aware. Who believe
in "Do unto others as you would have them do unto
you." But I'm tired of running.
 From: Bernd
You're not wrong in the way you think. There IS a lot
of shit in the world - just look at Bosnia, and you get a
2x4 taste of just how much evil can still happen in this
world.
There's also a lot of real kindness and love out
there. I think one of the most difficult
"risks" is to keep on searching for those real
sources of caring and support, when we feel so damn tired
and bruised from all the knocks.
I sorta compare the opposites of shit and kindness to
something we can identify with in nature. If I slip off
the edge of a cliff, landing on a rock will smash my body
to smithereens. All it takes is one big rock, or several
medium size ones. But if I fall in the water, or on a
pile of grass or bushes, my fall is cushioned, and I'm
able to dust my jeans off, and keep moving on. Here's the
diff: it's just one rock, or a few of them that does so
much damage. If I aim for the water, or the grass, it's
thousands of tiny drops of water, or tiny blades of grass
that save me. That's how I have to search out love and
kindness. A little bit here, a little bit there - and
lots of little bits.
It's the only way I know that works. And it seems to
fit with the path our souls (and/or God) want us to be
on. When we touch many lives in little ways, it becomes
possible for ANYONE to make a difference, We don't have
to be Mother Theresa. Each of us can be a drop of water,
and being one drop of water is more than enough. Or a
blade of grass. A 10 ft blade of grass really doesn't do
anyone much good, does it?:)
Shields, the biggest struggle I see you still having
is being as kind and accepting and loving to yourself as
you are to others. The more you can focus on getting help
to do this, the easier I think you'll find the other
answers come, and the better everything will work out.
And I know how hard it is to let go of all the different
ways you come down on yourself, many likely without even
realizing you're doing it. I got my shoeprint branded in
my butt; God, if I knew how frustrating my relationship
with myself would have been, I would have run screaming
in terror!:)
You were handed a shitload of crap as a child, and
people from your childhood are still trying to use you as
a whipping girl. The very fact that you survived is a
miracle. Your struggle and your willingness to continue
searching for answers in spite of the pain is far more of
an example to others than I think you realize.
I don't think you're going back thru the same cycle.
You might be revisiting old ground - I do all the time -
but each time you do, it's with a different perspective.
Sometime I gotta search thru the living room a half dozen
times before I finally spot my car keys. If it takes that
many times, that's what it takes. That's the way it works
for me. Someday God will tell me why:)
From: Damaged Shields
Well, we went to the counsellor. I was able to tell
him, in front of the counsellor, that I think we should
separate. Couples counselling is interesting to me. I
tried not to read what the counsellor's body language was
saying, while I was explaining/dumping/spewing all the
reasons why I think the relationship should end. And
while my boyfriend was doing the same, I was watching the
counsellor's reactions hoping she'd be a sympathizer with
me.
But I get the feeling that as a couples counsellor
she's supposed to somehow repair the relationship. I so
much want to go to her alone, and tell her, "SEE?
See what I mean? He needs help!". But that's not
possible or realistic.
So now, it's been kind of strange around the house. We
can't separate right away due to financial circumstances
and lease agreements, etc... And I'm watching his mood
and it's like a yo-yo. This was to be expected.
One moment he's telling me, "I think you're
making a mistake, I love you so much you just don't
know." The next moment he's being his usual poopy
self. This is wreaking havoc with my emotions, because
all I ever wanted was for him to talk nice to me, be nice
to me. So when he's making this huge effort to be a nice
guy, it reminds me of what I want, but that other part of
my brain/heart is saying, "Don't be fooled, you've
been with him long enough to know that he's mostly not
nice."
I know that at this very point in my life I have 2
main choices:
I can either go ahead and move out, and let him figure
out what he has to do on his own, and we go our separate
ways, and I live my own life.
-OR-
I can stay here with him, give it some more chances,
continue counselling with him, look for a job, and try to
make the best of it.
There's too much that has happened, and I'm not able
to forgive alot of it. This is what keeps me from being
intimate with him. And I know he doesn't listen, and I
know he's stuck in his own little world, and I know his
area of awareness is a very very narrow tunnel. And I can
see right through his efforts right now, he's only nice
for a little while.
I admire his effort, and I appreciate that he is
willing to go to counselling, but why does he wait until
we're in crisis mode before he decides to make an effort
to be a nice guy? He always says that I'm the best thing
that ever happened to him, and that I'm beautiful and
warm and the most wonderful person he's ever known, so
why doesn't he treat me like that?
I just don't want my feelings hurt again.
From: Confused
Damaged Shields: I just read your post. I don't know
how you are going to take this, but I remember something
you wrote in one of your posts that people have a big
void in their lives. I see that with you. I also think
that what you need is a relationship with Jesus Christ.
I'm not talking about churchianity but about asking
Christ to come into your life and be the forgiver and
leader of your life. You have gone through a lot in your
life. I think you need Him in your life to fill the void
that is there from all of the dysfunctional relationships
that you have had. I can assure you, a relationship with
Him will never disappoint you. Please read chapters 3 and
4 of the Gospel of John. Focus on John 3:16-17. Also read
2Corinthians 5:17. I will be praying for you.
|
