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 She says i'm holding her back -
barry
i wanted to ask your advice after receiving some
secondhand info from a mutual girlfriend last Saturday
morning. the GF in question is going out with a friend
who is currently sharing house with me and on Saturday
morning she mentioned that she'd spoken with my wife
during the week. the crux of the conversation relayed to
me was this, that my wife just wants to find somebody new
and that i'm holding her back? when i asked our GF to
clarify this, eg did she mean by my visiting our son most
weekends, she answered yes. when i then asked her what
does my partner sexpect me to do, not see my son at all?
i was told "yes" that she wants me out of her
life completely so she can start fresh! it's bad enough
that my partner puts pressure on our friends to take
sides and is still doing so my housemate and his GF a
classic example, now she's suggesting to our mutual
friends options which she has not discussed with me? i
was completely thrown by the GF's comments and had
planned to visit my son last weekend, but became quite
lost. dazed even. my marriage counsellor can offer me no
more advice and says i'm in a lose-lose situation? i rang
my my wife (on her silent line) on Saturday night to tell
her that i was sorry for the short notice but that i felt
it better if i didn't come up to see our son as i was
stressed out. i asked her why she had to hate me and why
she was holding on to that hatred and anger, as i felt it
detrimental to our son as our communication is becoming
worse and worse? she answered that she has to hold onto
'it' because otherwise she'll fall apart or get sick or
something and she can't afford to have that happen
because of our baby son? why am i holding her back? we
see each for probably 1/2 an hour on a weekend if that,
hardly talk and communication is pained id not waiting to
explode under the surface for the smallest thing on my
wife's part? she has all the week to herself and the
weekends off when i have our son (he's not staying with
me overnight yet though)? how am i holding her back? she
mentioned the 'sex' thing again and again during our
conversation, i.e. all i ever wanted from her was sex,
that's what i've been telling everybody etc, etc, and i
stopped her and said i didn't care about that (the sex),
that i wanted her to drop it and look at our
communication problems. her answer was what for? she
doesn't want to get back with me or try, that i had my
chance and blew it by going to see some slut overseas
instead of working things out beforehand. ??????
i'm making an effort to go out and i'm finding that
helps. i've started cooking and inviting a few close
friends round for dinner etc, and i'm planning to put
together a mixed media exhibition in the near future as
well as getting back into my work and my novel research.
i'm still keeping my journal and i find it a great
comfort, but still have a good cry every now and again
triggered by a wide variety of factors. i feel much more
whole now and can see my wife trying to control our
friends as well as me? i guess we are both seeing those
'other' sides of each other that aren't particularly
nice? how will i mangae all this baggage in another
relationship? should i be looking for somebody else? why
do i feel the need to be close to a woman, to be held and
comforted?
still hurting but learning from the pain,
 From: Bernd
You said " i feel much more whole now and can see
my wife trying to control our friends as well as me? i
guess we are both seeing those 'other' sides of each
other that aren't particularly nice? "
Your insights are a direct result of your recovery
work so far Barry. Change doesn't take as long as we
fear, althought it still takes longer than we want
sometimes.:)
It sounds like she is having some real struggle trying
to keep a lot of confusing feelings buried, and most of
those feelings have NOTHING to do with you. You're just
the closest target, and in her desperation to make some
sense out of her feelings, she is adding 2+2 and coming
up with 5. It isn't something that she's doing
maliciously, or to hurt you - old pain (which she had
BEFORE you ever met) has a way of distorting our
thinking. Right now these are her best guesses as to why
she's struggling with anger, and a lot of other things.
If you can remind yourself that they are guesses, but not
the real truth, then it becomes easier to let her have
those guesses, and discover in her own time that blaming
you doesn't really solve anything for her - it just acts
as a valium for a while.
Trying to control you serves a very useful purpose for
her. The more battles she has to arm-wrestle you over,
the less she "feels" her own inner battles with
herself. She has some sense of control when she's
arm-wrestling you; our own battles in contrast usually
leave us terrified, because it feels like we have very
little control over our own confusion, fears, anger, and
pain.
How will you manage this baggage in another
relationship? By accepting that you do have it, and
continuing your commitment to heal it little by little,
day by day. I'll never be rid of all mine, and that's ok.
What I am able to do is to keep pursuing my own personal
recovery best I can, and each step I take makes life a
little better, a little sweeter. That's good enough for
me.
Should you be looking for someone else? Definitely,
but not so much an "attached" relationship, but
building a network of supptive people - males and
females. Go for friendship first, explore how many kinds
of relationships can work. I suspect you shut yourself
off from exploring many friendships when you were
"married", because of how they might set off
worries and jealousy in your wife. It's a real breath of
freedom and magic when you can spend time with a woman as
a friend, and no longer feel the struggle of
"falling" for her, at the risk of the
friendship. It takes practice to find that freedom
inside, but it is very worthwhile and achievable. But the
only way to become good at anything IS practice, so if
you want to build such friendships, it will mean dipping
your toes into waters that feel very scary and unsettling
at first.
Your need to feel close to a woman comes (my guesses)
from a normal need for closeness, and love, as well as a
real crying out inside for something or someone to help
ease the pain and confusion you're going thru. Getting
back into a serious relationship with a woman is very
risky right now for you, because using such a
relationship to ease your pain will most likely just help
bury it, instead of helping to heal it. And if you bury
it, it will cause you anguish again sooner or later in
THAT relationship. The more you can focus on building a
support network of friends, the less hunger and emptiness
you'll feel. And a support network is healthy - the
amount and variety of "mirrors" (people
reflecting back what they see in you) creates a much
better climate for self-honesty, and healthy mutal
support. As you search out and develop more friendships,
you'll find that the hugs (verbal and physical) you get
from them make a powerful difference in healing, and
reminding you that you ARE a lovable, wanted human being.
They can also help you with perspective on your ongoing
struggles with your ex, and help you check out your own
gut feelings about what your best choices are for
handling future situations.
Just try to keep reminding yourself that simply
because your ex says something doesn't mean it's true.
It's just her best guess. Let her find her own answers in
her own ways, and keep focussing on finding your answers
the best you can. If she searches for the truth, she'll
find it eventually. If she doesn't genuinely search,
there's nothing you can do about that, except continue
focussing on your own search, and trust that process to
take you where you need to go.
From: barry
dear Bernd, your insights are a great asset in helping
me thru all the pain and turmoil etc... once again,
"Thanks!... from the bottom of my heart...and from
my soul"
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