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 Being Possessive - Auriane
First, I'd like to say that this is a wonderful idea
for a website. Ever since I've had this problem with my
relationship, I've been scouring the internet for help.
I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over
six and a half years. We're both 24 years old and we've
broken up twice basically because of his fear of
commitment and his need for independence. The last
breakup was the big one. He said that he needed to be by
himself for awhile to see what's out there and to find
himself. About five months later, he came back into my
life and told me that he was ready for a commitment. I
told him that I needed to be his priority in life and
that he has to be sure that he is ready for a serious
commitment. He said he was ready, so we got back
together. Things were great for a while afterwards, he
was the perfect boyfriend and I saw the change in him. We
discussed marriage and our future together and it was all
hunky-dory..until..I got annoyed at his cousin's frequent
long-distance phone calls. It seemed that many times when
we were on the phone, she would call, or if I called, he
would be on the phone with her.
There were many times when I was over his place and
she would call. I got annoyed and told him that I was
upset that she was calling so often. My boyfriend
exploded when I told him and accused me of being
unreasonably possessive. He couldn't understand my
feelings because she is after all a cousin and so what if
she calls a lot. he couldn't believe we were having that
conversation. I do like his cousin (she's nineteen) and
we do get along. I have to admit there were times when I
felt uncomfortable about the closeness of their
relationship. For instance, she tells him about her sex
life and there were a few occasions when they were
hanging out together that people mistook them to be a
couple (my boyfriend told me). And there were times that
I've felt jealous because of the attention he was giving
her. I know that nothing romantic will happen between
them. Yet, I do feel upset and I thought I should let him
know.
I sent him a letter expressing my appreciation for all
he's done for me and the relationship. And I explained
why I was upset, pretty much what I said above. I told
him that, as a couple, we should be able to tell each
other anything that bothered us, even if it seemed
ridiculous. After not hearing from him for about five
days, I called him to arrange a time to talk. We met and
he said that he didn't think that he was ready to talk.
So I told him that we'll talk whenever he was ready. My
question is was I wrong to approach him about his cousin?
And am I being overly possessive?
 From: josie
Sorry this reply is so late! I think that you had a
right to feel jealous. They seemed really close, more
like boy and girlfriend as he so obviously delighted in
telling you about other people commenting on it. The fact
that she is his cousin is nor here or there. I am not at
all surprised that you felt uncomfortable at instances
such as her discussing her sex life with him. Even if
there wasn't anything more than friendly family chat he
knew that it was making you feel insecure and he should
have respected your feelings instead of making you feel
"silly" for the way you felt. I, myself was
involved with my cousin when we were both teenagers and
my husband also had a short "affair" with one
of his cousins when he was in his early twenties.
I am not trying to say that THEY were involved in that
way, merely that it is not uncommon to be "kissing
cousins" and that he should not patronise you just
because you are aware that it is possible for cousins to
have a relationship. Perhaps he still isn't ready for
commitment and he used his cousin to make you jealous and
then, the ensuing argument as an excuse for separating
again? I mean surely you don't break up from someone you
love and care for merely because of something like
this?...I think you did the right thing to write him a
letter suggesting that you talk the problem over, he
however said he still wasn't ready?!! I think there is
more to this argument that meets the eye, particularly on
his part. I hope that I am wrong and that things sort
themselves out for you, but for that I think you need to
talk and if he is not willing it is going to be
difficult. Best of luck!
From: Bernd
Josie's reply echoes my gut feelings in many ways.
There are a few things that stand out here.
First, he definitely has a struggle (a common one
among men) between feeling overwhelmed by too much
closeness, while wanting closeness at the same time.
Bringing a third person into a relationship (his cousin)
is a common way to try to handle this kind of struggle.
From my experience, most relationships have an
unwritten code in them, that sets up an ongoing struggle
over closeness/separateness that causes pain and havoc
for both partners. The unwritten code goes something like
this: the more closeness I give you, the more I expect
the same kind of closeness back - or- the more closeness
you give me, the more I feel I owe you the same kind
back. On a conscious level, we look at this unwritten
code, and likely say "hogwash", but
subconsciously, we are longing for a type of union that
is very much like "two become one".
Where this creates problems - and why men run in
terror from such closeness - is that, the closer 2
partners are, the more often they "push the
buttons" (often unknowingly) of each other's past
emotional wounds. As a guy, I've lived most of our
marriage checking, and rechecking whether something I'd
say or do - or not say or do - would "cause"
Lynda to be disappointed, unhappy, or hurt. Problem was,
no matter how much I checked, I'd always seem to screw
up. The only way that I could seem to "hurt her
less" was to try and become more of the kind of guy
SHE wanted - and to do that meant shutting down any
"problem" parts of me. Except the more I tried
to shut those parts down, the unhappier I became, and the
LESS I became the type of guy she wanted.
Some examples: I wanted lots of sex, but she felt used
when it seemed all I wanted her for was sex; I struggled
with depression, which she hated, so I kept trying to
"pretend" I was okay inside. And on and on.
True closeness requires some basic things that are
very hard for both females and males, until one or the
other is willing to take the blind leap of faith to
actually practice them. From our experience, those things
are: focusing on MY problems, and what I can do about
them, and not wanting Lynda to change a thing; welcoming
pain and discomfort that comes from closeness, as a
NATURAL part of closeness, and accepting that it can help
me see what I need to heal most inside me; giving myself
permission - and Lynda permission - to be as close or as
far apart from each other emotionally from moment to
moment as we need to (sometimes I need to be just with
myself, while other times being close to Lynda is what I
need most); a willingness to be open and honest, without
needing that from the other (my example is the best thing
I can give to Lynda; when she wants to open up, I try to
support and encourage that, but when she doesn't, I also
try to support her right to choose for HER).
Anyway, that's the long story. His cousin is serving a
very useful purpose for him - his relationship with her
gives him a tool to control the amount of closeness he
has with you to a "manageable" level, where he
doesn't feel overwhelmed by his closeness/separateness
struggle. It also makes sense to me that he's minimizing
your concerns, because to truly listen to them would mean
he'd have to acknowledge YOUR feelings, which would
probably mean lessening contact with his cousin, which
would throw him right back in the closeness/separateness
struggle.
My guess is that you have a corresponding panic when
you think of abandonment. Your struggle is the opposite
side of the coin to his.
Ok, here's my suggestions. You seem to have been
trying to get him to "talk", and at least
listen to your feelings and acknowledge them. I suspect
that you are hoping that he'd "do something"
about the cousin thing, once he really listens to you.
Try to let go of wanting him to change. If he changes for
you, the change won't be real. He has to change unhealthy
things because HE wants to, for change to be real and
lasting. You both have very real struggles. Ask him to
sit, and just LISTEN to you, with his only
"talking" mirroring back what he has heard you
say (this will help you see where he's interpreting
something you say very differently from what you actually
are TRYING to tell him). Ask him to agree to not
defending himself, just listening. Tell him that what you
are going to say is neither right nor wrong, just your
thoughts and feelings. And tell him that you are willing
to do exactly the same for him once you're finished -
listen, while he talks, without defending or belittling
anything he says. He doesn't HAVE to talk, just give him
the opportunity, if he wants it.
Then tell him everything you want to, and be totally
honest. This isn't a time to hold back. Honesty can be
very painful at times, but it isn't pain you CAUSE (like
someone telling you stepped on their foot - you'd rather
know, than be blissfully unaware and end up stepping on
their foot again later). Try to keep the focus on YOU,
with "I" statements ( "I feel hurt when
you spend time with your cousin", instead of
"you spend too much time with your cousin").
Finally, make your choices based on who he really is,
not how you hope he'll be. If his struggle with
separateness/closeness is something you don't want to
deal with any longer, then make the best choices you can
based on that. If it's something you are willing to
accept, then it may help to remind yourself that the road
is rough for him in dealing with it, so your ride will be
rough as well at times. Decide what you want to GIVE, and
give what you want because it feels good and right, and
don't base it on what he's willing to give. That includes
honesty. Look at what level of honesty is acceptable to
you, and what isn't, and make your choices best you can
from moment to moment, day by day, on where his honesty
level lies.
Lynda and I have both struggled with the influence of
outside relationships. The only thing that worked for me
was the slow, sometimes agonizing process of learning to
let go of my need to have her stop or reduce them. In
hindsight, it's obvious now why that approach is the only
one that worked. Outside relationships - unless they are
healthy and honest ones - take way from the closeness in
our relationship. They give us both LESS than what we
REALLY want - true closeness, acceptance, and intimacy.
Once we discovered that the cookie jar really only held
crumbs, it wasn't so attractive anymore. We're
discovering how to be more ok with feeling pain AND joy
in each other's company, and the more ok we are with the
"pain" part, the more the "joy" part
seems to be replacing it.:) My 25 and a half cents.
From: Auriane
Thank you Bernd and Josie for your comments! They
certainly were enlightening. My boyfriend did eventually
call me up and said that he was ready to talk. So we met
and we discussed my letter. His views were that he made
all these changes in his life for me after we got back
together and now I was griping at his relationship with
his cousin. He felt that he did a lot for me and the
relationship, and now this. Well,it turns out that he
showed the letter to his cousin and they both agreed that
my complaint about the phone calls were stupid. He also
told me that his relationship with her will not change. I
told him that I had no intentions of having him sever
ties with his cousin, however, I would like more
consideration and that I need to have priority in his
life. His response was that me and the relationship are
the most important things in his life, but not the only
things in his life. Well, even though things are okay now
between him and me, I still feel as if I received the
short end of the stick. He managed to make me feel silly
about being jealous of his cousin. Top it all off,
despite the fact that she knows how I feel about her
calling all the time, she still does it! With more
frequency it seems especially since she's back home from
school. We've seen each other on one occasion and things
were definitely awkward. I even thought about sending her
a card as a friendship gesture, but decided against it
because a friend said that she would walk all over me if
I did. Her phone calls still bother me a bit, but what
can I do? I understand that she doesn't have many friends
who she can talk to about her problems and she doesn't
have a boyfriend. So, the only person she can talk to is
my boyfriend. I really don't know what else to do.
Bernd, you were correct in saying that my boyfriend
has a struggle with closeness and separateness. I feel
that he will always have that struggle. And it is
something that bothers me. And I think that I've always
known that he needs his cousin in his life because of it.
I've found that the only way for me to deal with his
struggle is to keep myself busy with activities on my own
and not to focus too much on him and the relationship. I
love my boyfriend very much and he does make me happy for
the most part. I know he wants to marry me in the future,
but I do worry that his cousin will be calling all the
time. I wonder if it's just a phase that she's going
through?
From: Bernd
I’m not surprised his cousin regarded your
complaint as “stupid”. It’s very much in
her interests to keep you off balance. Have you talked to
any impartial outsiders, such as a priest, friend or
therapist about your feelings? You’re much more
likely to get an honest viewpoint from them.
There’s line from Road Less Travelled that comes
to mind: “love is as love does”. Although
he’s telling you that “me and the relationship
are the most important things in his life”, his
words just don’t match with his choices. And you are
perfectly in your rights to say so to him. The words
“I love you” can be used to control, to keep
things the way WE want, when they don’t coincide
with our actions.
I suspect inside he resents all the
“changes” he feels he made for you after you
got back together. This may very well help fuel his
determination to NOT change the other relationship
“for you” as well. Can you tell me a bit about
what he feels those changes were? It may help you to look
at what changes you wanted from him, see why they are
important to you, and look at how you can take care of
some of those needs in ways that don’t REQUIRE
change from him. If he makes changes for you, and they
aren’t because he wants to for himself, they
won’t be true changes, and they’ll breed
resentments inside of him.
You said “I've found that the only way for me to
deal with his struggle is to keep myself busy with
activities on my own and not to focus too much on him and
the relationship.” The irony is that, to me, this is
both unhealthy, and very healthy. Huh? It’s
unhealthy if you use it as a way to avoid dealing with
the truths you know inside. It’s healthy if you
ACCEPT those truths fully tho. The truths, as I see them
(and check these out inside) is that he is being
dishonest with you, he is using your relationship as a
“safety board” to have his cake and eat it too
( having you AND his cousin, and being able to straddle
the fence exactly the way he wants to), and he is NOT
acting in ways that enhance your well-being.
To accept these means feeling some pretty deep pain
and rage about what you’ve accepted from him. In my
opinion, that’s exactly what you need to do, to
begin finding real solutions to this ongoing struggle. It
won’t help you to feel this pain or rage with him;
see if you can find a close friend, or someone safe to
give you a safe place to get in touch with those
feelings. You may find, after you do, that you want him
out of your life as a lover. Or you may be ok with
continuing the relationship, but with a renewed trust in
your own gut feelings and your own ability to make
healthy choices for you. Either way, you win - and when
your choices are truly good for you, they’ll be
truly good for him, even if he hates them or struggles
with them.
His relationship with his cousin may be a phase, but
how long that phase will last is anyone’s guess.
Yes, focus on being good to yourself - and this includes
being honest with yourself, and finding trustworthy
people to help you validate your inner voice, and your
feelings. I hope you find a way thru this that leaves you
with a real treasure inside, regardless of what he does.
From: Auriane
I've spoken to many friends regarding this issue with
his cousin and most agreed that I had a reason to be
upset. Some even knew about relationships between
cousins, such as a marriage. One friend didn't see
anything wrong with the relationship because she comes
from a close-knit family and she doesn't think that it's
odd for a family member to call all the time if they
needed someone to talk to. however, she did admit that
when she was younger she had a crush on her cousin. But
her point was that she knew that nothing would happen
because they were cousins. She happens to be unattached
and has never been in a long seriously-committed
relationship. Those who sympathized with me are either
married,have been in long-term relationships, or knew of
an intimate cousin relationship.
At this point, I feel that there is not much else I
can do about the cousin issue. I feel that pursuing it
would be futile. About the changes that he made in his
life after we got back together, he basically broke off
all ties with his close female friends. I never asked him
to do that, he did it out of his own accord because he
knew that his relations with them bothered me. and he was
more future-oriented about our relationship. He began to
focus more on "us" instead of on
"him" and the thought of marriage didn't
frighten him anymore. He even started investing a large
portion of his salary for what he calls the
"marriage fund" to spend on my engagement ring
and our wedding. He even told his family and friend that
he was probably going to marry me. He tried very hard to
be more understanding and sensitive to my feelings. In
essence, he became the perfect boyfriend.
Despite all his efforts, I still feel as if he doesn't
fully understand my meaning of a serious commitment. It
is that struggle between closeness/separateness that
prevents him from doing so. He worries about being
"whipped" and keeping his
"manliness". I don't have a problem with his
need to be one of the boys occasionally and I have no
problems with him hanging out with the boys. But it is
during other social occasions, such as weddings, parties,
or get-togethers where there are a number of people
involved and other females present, which I have problems
with. For me, without a doubt, I will always include my
boyfriend in social occasions with my friends, unless it
was a "girls only thing". It hurts me that the
same does not apply for him. For instance, we recently
got into a fight about an upcoming gathering with one of
his old female friends who, because of an extremely messy
event which happened two years ago (my boyfriend and I
got into a huge fight at her party because he was
flirting with someone. He was drunk, I was a bit
intoxicated, and we caused a big scene. I want to point
out that at that time, I was undergoing an extremely
emotional period. I was about to have an abortion a few
days afterwards, which he was aware of.), hates my guts
and thinks I'm a bitch. his friend who were also at the
party thinks I'm a bitch too. I also want to point out
that a few years ago, this girl had a crush on my
boyfriend before and had asked him if he would ever cheat
on me. Last year, my boyfriend broke off ties with
her,until she recently called to tell him that she was
engaged. Her birthday is coming up and a mutual friend
suggested taking her out for that occasion. My boyfriend
agreed and made it clear that he didn't want me to go.
The same thing happened last year and I got upset because
he didn't bother to ask me if I wanted to go. His
reasoning was that there were bad feelings between me and
her so why would I want to go. I think that his friend
will probably bring his girlfriend because she was there
last year and the girl's fiancé will probably be there
as well. He said that he wasn't sure if they will be
there, but he needs to know if he can bring me. Many
times, he would never bring me to his friends'
get-togethers unless he knew that his friends were
bringing their significant others also. That always
bothered me.
Bernd, I think you're right. I think I do have
feelings of rage and resentment and many issues regarding
my boyfriend. We've been through a lot and when we're
together alone just the two of us, I do feel blissful and
content. It's when other people are involved, especially
his friends, that things go awry and I end up feeling
hurt. He had problems in the past trying to include me in
his activities with his friends before our breakup, and
I'm afraid he still does. It was one of the reasons why I
thought it was best that we break up, because of his
difficulty in including me in all aspect of his life.
Sometimes I wonder if he broke off ties with his female
friends and certain people because he wanted to make his
life easier and not really because of the way I was
feeling. Lately, with these problems, I've been thinking
about breaking up with him, something which I haven't
thought of in a long time. It just seems to be a
recurrence of the way things were before, except to a
lesser extent. I wonder if I am expecting too much. What
I want is that feeling and look of togetherness and
oneness that I see in some couples. We have that when
we're alone, but usually not when we're with other
people. That's all I've ever wanted. For it to be me and
him side by side and everyone else on the bottom. Is that
so much to want?
I do appreciate your comments and advice. I would be
extremely grateful if you can give me some more. I know
it just gets uglier and uglier. Thank you so much for
taking the time to read all this and replying!
From: Bernd
Your line "In essence, he became the perfect
boyfriend" gives a valuable clue into your current
dilemma. It's likely that your boyfriend has had a lot of
practice being the "perfect son", i.e. making
choices that his mom & dad wanted him to make,
instead of having the freedom - and often the agonizing
responsibility - of finding our what was truly best for
HIM. With that practice, it was a familiar role for him
to figure out what you wanted in a "perfect
boyfriend", and then for him to do exactly what he
thought you wanted.
The problem is, when we live to please others, we
resent it like hell inside. And we rebel. But in
rebelling, we usually are VERY careful to rebel in ways
that don't end up screwing ourselves even more, such as
being abandoned. That's the fence I think your boyfriend
is sitting on, and it ain't too comfortable. It's a
picket fence.
Aurianne, your relationship with him seems very much a
mirror image of his relationship with his parents. If
he's "himself", and makes choices you don't
like, you feel hurt, panic, anxiety - and he's developed
a radar that picks up every bit of that loud and clear.
And as much as he rebels, he also feels shitty, and
likely feels he's screwed up again - which makes him even
angrier at himself, you and the world. The cousin is the
lifeline he uses to rescue himself from all that - in his
mind, his thoughts are likely "at least SHE likes me
the way I am". That's an illusion too however, but
that's another story.
Having said all that, YOU are not the cause of his
struggle. You're just a really good trigger tho. And as I
mentioned before, the only thing you can really do to
help him with his struggle is to focus on yours, which is
a mirror image of his. The cage your childhood placed you
in is one of NOT having a feeling of safety come from
inside YOU in a relationship. Unless it comes from inside
you, your partner can only provide it by sacrificing who
they really are - which means your relationship is based
on who they PROJECT themselves to be, not on who they
really are. The more pretending they feel they have to
do, the more they'll resent it, and the harder it becomes
to build a truly loving relationship.
Love has many paradoxes, but one of the neatest ones
I've found is that freedom makes the strongest bond. The
more freedom Lynda and I give each other in all parts of
our relationship, the closer we feel, and the easier
things become. With my freedom, I have no interest in
making choices that are going to boomerang back my way
and hurt me. And bad choices ALWAYS do. Always. So I try
to make loving choices whenever I can, because they're
the best for ME. And the neat thing is, they are always
the best for Lynda too. Just the way it works. By the
way, giving a partner freedom doesn't depend on them
giving an equal amount back. But it very much depends on
giving ourselves the freedom to make free choices in
whatever we do, regardless of any pressure our partner
tries to give us.
This guy may be an ideal person to practice acceptance
of "separateness" with. Whenever you feel
anxious, depressed, or panic when he's excluding you,
take time to write down everything you're feeling and
thinking in a private journal. Find people you can talk
to about your feelings, with the goal of understanding
YOU better, not your boyfriend. Pick up a good book or 2
on codependency (see the Relationship Resources page),
and use it to help you spot the patterns that keep you
imprisoned in anxiety, and methods to break you out of
those cages permanently.
Whatever happens to this relationship - whether you do
break up or not - the more comfortable you become with
separateness, the better ANY future relationships will
become. You'll be able to love more of the actual person,
instead of needing them to "be" someone they're
not. In mine and Lynda's case, the more true freedom we
give each other in all our choices, the better those
choices actually become, for both of us (although we go
thru real learning periods at times). And I think that
works just a consistently as gravity for anyone.
I hope this time next year, you can look back
gratefully on this period of your life as a springboard
that led you to something a lot better.
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