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 Respect - confused husband
Respect is a term that my wife seems throw in my face
whenever we get into a dispute. I know I am not a perfect
man, but also she is not a perfect woman. But I feel that
this fact should not open the door for unlogical and
irrational behavior. Whenever we engage in a
disagreement, she seems to believe that screaming and
yelling and generally acting like she has completely no
self-control is more than acceptable and goes right off
the handle when I inform her of this. I believe that if
there is a issue that is worth disagreeing on, then being
the two adults, (and I stress the word adults),we must
sit down in a calm manner and work it out. Losing ones
self control has, and is creating such a huge mess of
scrambled emotions, that the original issue was lost.
What can a person do in this situation? I've sat back and
allowed the "venting" process occur, yet still
this does not create anything useful! I am patient, but
there is an end for everything
 From: cindy
Losing control of your emotions and anger that comes
from it when having a disagreement is not healthy. Your
wife is reacting this way because she's either very
dominant as a female or this is a behaviour she has been
accustomed to as a child growing up. Her parents probably
solved problems in this manner. She herself doesn't
realize this, but by you telling and pointing this out to
her and she still continues this behaviour, I would tell
her to seek counselling to control her anger which is
obvious she is feeling. I'm no expert on this subject,
but my guess is that when she finally excepts that she
has a problem and does something about it, the more
content you will be with your relationship. On a nother
note. If she wishes to ignore this problem and it is
truly interfering with your relationship, I would
consider leaving. If children are involved she's just
showing them that it's ok to react this way and your kids
will end up dealing with problems the same way she is. I
hope this helps you a little. Let me know how things go.
From: Bernd
Us guys seem to have more of monopoly on handling
disagreements without resorting to “unlogical and
irrational behavior”. Or so it seems, and
appearances here are very, very deceiving.
Think about it a sec. We have a treasure chest of
emotions that let us convey things in a way our monotone
voices simply can’t on our own. Ever said “I
love” you in a flat, expressionless voice? It
doesn’t carry much weight, and is very unconvincing.
When the joy, magic, and love we feel inside comes out
with those words - in a warm embrace, a soft kiss, a
twinkling smile - the words have IMPACT. They reach us
right down to our soul, and feel solid.
It’s ironic how willing we are to accept those
emotions - without calling someone “irrational”
- and yet we consider anger and yelling irrational. I
used to do the “logical” thing too. Except now
I believe my approach was anything but logical. It was
like trying to see the whole picture with only one eye
open.
When your wife is yelling, she is telling you
something very important, and yelling because it’s
the only way she knows of getting her point across. She
is very, very pissed off. When you tell her she’s
being “irrational”, the message she gets is
that you’re not interested in how she really feels.
Imagine your reaction inside if she told you she
didn’t give a damn about what you
“thought”. See the mirror?
I suspect you have just a difficult time expressing
your own feelings, as you have hearing her express hers.
The mind is a wonderful thing, but it can serve as a
prison as easily as it can serve as a freedom gate. One
of the things that attracted Lynda to me was how
“calm” I was. She was the “emotional”
one. I thought I was calm, and level-headed too. It was
an illusion. What was really happening inside me was I
had walled off my emotions long ago - they were too
confusing, overwhelming, and dangerous to deal with.
Better not to have them. Except my body and soul kept
rebelling, because shutting down my emotions kept me
half-alive, and dying a little day by day.
Here’s the twist. Your wife will become a lot
less” emotional” when you become a lot more
comfortable with letting her be “emotional”. My
guess is that you’ll only be able to be more
comfortable with her emotions, when you really begin
exploring how much you’ve shut your own down.
Therapy, and self-help books can help you in this
exploration, if it’s something you decide to do.
I used to feel panic inside whenever Lynda got angry,
because I had a lot of difficulty feeling my OWN anger.
Now she can yell, scream, and rant and rave when she
wants. It feels comfortable (and she’s needed to on
a few occasions; I’m not the easiest man in the
world to live with!). Vice versa, I’ve become more
comfortable letting my own anger “hang all out”
when I need to. My newfound comfort isn’t because
“I love her”; it’s because anger is a
natural part of both of us, and there’s a lot of old
bottled up anger we still need to release. Why would I
want to keep it, or to do anything that doesn’t help
her let it go? That’s logical!:)
Hope this helps a bit.
From: For confused husband
This one is for you confused husband whom you feel
your wife is being irrational. I can speak only for
myself that I have been in the same situation. Obviously
there is something going on in the relationship where
communication is involved. Your wife seems to be trying
to reach you in other ways where talking doesn't come
across to you. Either she feels that you don't hear her
any other way. I'm sure her emotions are getting in the
way of her expressing her feelings to you. I don't
believe any woman or man wants to yell at there spouse.
And finger pointing isn't the way to resolve this
situation either. I am sure there's two sides to every
argument. But I agree that yelling will only make matters
worse if it persist. A disagreement among spouses and
arguing can be healthy if done in a healthy way.
One thing to consider is taking time with your spouse
to really talk and be open to one another and respecting
each others needs. We all have needs for one another. I
have seen and heard so many situations about spousal
situations. But when we go through it ourselves its not
fun. I have a small example on one marriage; this couple
loved each other dearly. He was a professional working in
the field of helping the community with there problems
and his wife had a relatively good job, too..... the
problem was that the husband would continuously put down
his wife down, make fun of her and many times didn't even
realize what he was doing. He thought he was being
humorous in some aspects but what was happening there was
the wife's selfworth was become so low and it eventually
built up inside and when a minor disagreement came up
well it escalated to a major one cause deep down she was
hurting inside about being made fun of yesterday or last
week. So when this topic was brought up among the spouses
there line on communication started to open. The problem
was the husband continued to do it and wasn't respected
his wife's wishes. He would continue the put downs and
then the wife would lose her temper. So there is a tug
and pull there.
They both need to learn how to handle each others own
behavior. Respect your wife and your husband. Don't put
them down, try to build them up. If belittling persists
in a relationship, and talking doesn't help well its sad
to say that it won't work and it will only go into
another relationship until this is really looked at. I
would hate to see a marriage melt away from painful words
that can be corrected so easy with warm encouraging words
to each. Good luck I believe it will all work out.
From: The Confused Husband...is still confused
Hey, thanks for your input. The situation has calmed
down,though I expect another like the other to erupt soon
enough. I've thought and thought about how things are,
and I've come to the conclusion that life is like a
bleeding ulcer, ya gotta take care of it, know what I
mean? Though at times one has to ignore the pain the in
the gut and get with it, and just live life as it was
meant to be. We could spend a lifetime thinking and
wondering of ways to get along, but the way I see it, if
we don't, oh well. I can just image how many lives have
been wasted away being married to the wrong person, isn't
it just ghastly to think of the eternity they've spent
hating each other? I would rather not join them in their
eternal state of emotional agony! I am taking the time to
enjoy my wife's company, if she don't want to, she can
stay home and the Children and me can enjoy our own
company. Life is oh so short, I've only begun to realize
this and it saddens me to think that my wife hates me for
reasons unknown. I ask her, and she just seems to believe
that yelling in my face will make everything better. Not!
How did Twisted Sister say it, "We're Not Gonna
Take, No We're Not Gonna Take it, We're Not Gonna Take It
Anymore!" Time is running out, we must enjoy now...
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