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 Heart recently broken - taz
I'm so sad & confused & depressed, it's
scaring me. I was, for lack of a better term,
"dumped" recently by a man I love more than
life itself. I'm wondering if others can share how they
recovered from similar situations? Please? I don't know
where else to turn.
 From: mzet
Read other postings in this forum. I think you'll find
many valuable pearls of wisdom from Bernd, Lynda and
others. Here are my thoughts:
It's normal to feel depressed, cry a lot, loose
weight, not feel like working, exercise a lot, even vomit
every now and then. Don't think you are going crazy. It's
normal and it will not last forever, but give yourself
time to go through the process.
One of the most important things I have learned
through my own ordeal (which you can also read in this
forum) is that much of our emotional disorders associated
with love relationships with others and most of our
conflicts within our hearts manifest themselves by our
becoming enslaved or attached to things or people that
ultimately cannot satisfy us. We just have this tendency
to seek satisfaction, peace, fulfilment and love in
something that can never provide for us, whether it be
material possessions, riches, power, prestige, other
people, etc.
We know this particularly when we say "if I only
had this "xxxxxx" I would be happy" or in
your case, "I love this man more than life
itself". I have said before in this forum that we
all have a little bit of heaven and a little bit of hell
within us, and when that hell comes out, we are
disappointed in the other: how could they ever do that to
me? And then all sorts of feelings are triggered inside
of us. How to get over your feelings: you can jump right
into another relationship. That will numb the pain. Also,
there are books out there that take a behavioralist
approach that "teach" you how to get over a
broken heart.
The other approach I would suggest--and is the one I
took--is to really use this opportunity to learn about
yourself. This pain you feel is telling you something
about yourself. Take the time to listen to it. Eventually
you will find the right questions and their possible
answers. This is not an easy road, and maybe it is not
for everyone, but my experience is that if you have the
discipline, the perseverance and the faith in the
process, you will come out ahead and will reach a level
of peace within yourself that you thought would be
impossible to obtain at this time.
Anyway, I am not sure I have offered much consolation,
but do know that others have gone through the process,
that you are not alone and that you are indeed a loveable
person because you "are". Take care. :)
From: cindy
The worse thing to do is drown in your sorrow. I know
It's better said then done but it will only make matters
worse. Go out, socialize, be among people who care. Meet
people and do anything you can that distracts you from
thinking about your lost love, if this means dating other
men, well than do it. Why feel your heart break when you
can mend it faster by meeting other people. When my
boyfriend left me, I was totally devastated. My life had
no meaning. Now I understand the term co-dependency. My
life revolved around him and my happiness. By going out
with friends and even dated a couple of times in the 2
weeks we split up. It helped. If I was at home doing
nothing, I would just think about him and it would make
me feel worse. If I was out with friends, things didn't
seem to hurt as much. My greatest hurt came when I
thought he was happy without me and me being at home
hurting over this. This made me get up off the couch and
go out. It really helps.
From: Songman
Taz...I wish I could tell you something other than
what "They" all keep telling me...but I guess
it's true..............."TIME". That's what'll
help...my wife of five years (and two weeks) got up,
kissed me goodbye as I left for work, said "I love
you, see you tonight..." and, when I got home that
night, said..."I don't want to be married
anymore". I nearly lost my mind...no fights, no
disagreements...nothing but love....I thought... All I
know to do is NOT to give up. And ...so it goes . I do
wish you what I wish for me...the best.
From: taz
First of all, I have to say that I am truly touched
and amazed at the kindness and concern expressed in the
responses to my posting. It's very heartwarming to be
reminded that there are good people like you out there. I
haven't been able to talk about this with anyone close to
me, because I just know that if I did I would start
crying and I don't think I would ever be able to stop.
(Visions of being locked in a padded room abound...) The
fact that I can express my grief and sorrow in a
"safe" way among people who don't know me is
very comforting. Thank you. Anyway, I think one of my
main fears is that it's NEVER going to get better and I'm
NEVER going to feel happy and "normal" again -
- it's been almost 3 months now, which seems like a
looooong time, and I honestly do not feel any better than
I did on day one. Worse, actually, in many ways, because
as each day passes it's like a death knoll, one more day
that I don't hear from him, taking me one more day
further from him. I mean, isn't this supposed to get
BETTER over time? Am I just too obsessive and neurotic?
Am I losing my mind?
So, question: how does one come to grips with reality,
and acknowledge in their heart of hearts that the person
is GONE from their life, and will not be back. Ever. I do
know this, but I can't stop having idiotic thoughts that
he'll change his mind and realize that yes, he does love
me after all, and he'll come back to me. How do I get out
of that mindset? I'm NOT a stupid person, and if anything
I'm OVERLY rational and logical in life (at least I've
been accused of that in most prior relationships).
And second question: I am absolutely determined to
never allow myself to be hurt like this in the future - -
I wouldn't be able to live through this twice, and am
still unsure if I'll live through it once. Based on that,
I'm resigned to the fact that I won't be having a love
life in my future. Which is not as pathetic as it sounds
- - I'm used to being on my own. But, I'd like to know if
others have made this decision, and if they've managed to
lead a happy life without the romance?
Anyway, I know that I'm rambling. Sorry. But it does
feel good to vent. Thanks for listening.
From: mzet
Your questions are really tough and direct and I am
not sure there are easy answers. Here is my attempt based
on the road I have taken:
How does one come to grips with the reality of not
being loved by the one we love? The answer is inside
oneself. One finds it when one begins to truly embrace
the pain and suffering one goes through and lets it lead
to the innermost of one's being to listen to silence. And
within this silence there is a voice that speaks quietly,
in whispers. It is there and it does speak, and when it
is heard and followed, it leads to peace. I know this
sounds strange, but that is how it was for me.
The second question, I think, is the wrong question or
at least not the right question at this time, because it
assumes that one cannot take the pain of a broken heart.
You WILL be able to survive this suffering. Three months
is not enough time to get over it! It has taken me six
months to get to where I am, and I am not completely
healed yet. I do think it is harsh to close yourself
completely to the possibility of love. I guess it can be
done, but I wonder if it is necessary, particularly at
this time when you are evaluating the experience of love
without the benefit of true healing. Give yourself more
time!
I have not made that decision and I am not sure it
would be a healthy one, at least for me. I have much more
pressing matters at hand that have to do with my own
internal healing process. Romance may or may not come,
but once one reaches that peace I am talking about, it
really does not matter. It does not become a question or
a distraction anymore, because one's main concern is not
the fear of becoming vulnerable gain but one's own
spiritual growth and those around you.
I think, eventually, if one embraces the suffering to
achieve that sense of peace I speak of, becoming
vulnerable again to another human being does not carry
the risk and the potential suffering that love
necessarily entails because one is loving at a much
higher level, wherein the suffering is, in a sense,
transcended. Again, I know this sounds strange and
perhaps it is not for everybody, but it is the one I have
chosen and it has worked for me, so far.
One last bit: I too was (or am) very rational, and
sometimes that hinders the healing process because in an
attempt to understand our feelings, we really are
attempting to control, to encapsulate, to define, to fit
them into a framework of reference, and that is not
always possible, necessary or advantageous. One needs to
let those feelings work through and let them talk to you
to see what they are telling you about yourself, about a
new framework of reference that is not willed by you but
given as a free gift. This process of change is scary and
sometimes we just turn around and try to hold on to our
old ways because we know them. But is that growth? Not
sure.
Take care. I know you will be OK or you wouldn't be
here.
From: may
I totally and completely understand your position. A
couple of years ago my relationship of 5 years ended. I
remember the day I sat on my bed vowing that I would
never, ever, get involved again (at the ripe old age of
28 ), and that if I did, I would know that this would be
the person I would marry, no questions asked. That first
year I ended up dating people to kind of dull the loss I
ended up getting involved again about a year later with a
close friend. Seems that I could only get involved with
someone who understood what I was going through
emotionally. As I look back, I think it's hard to keep
the vow of never getting involved again because while you
may feel safe, you don't take risks. And, I think I have
come to learn that life is about risks and not to be
afraid to take them even if you don't know the outcome. I
sit here saying this, not necessarily happily perched on
the "we're almost getting married" fence, but
the wow -- I am not sure I made the right decision about
getting totally and completely involved with this person
because of some very concerning things.
I am facing a very tough decision at this time, for
many reasons. I am confronting the possibility of being
in the same position I was in two years ago, except now I
am two years older. As I confront this decision, I am
reminding myself that I am older and wiser, and that with
every door that closed on me, a new door did in fact
open. It may not open in one, two or three months. Maybe
it opens 1 year, 2 years, or 3 years. But it does open
and I think you have to continue to build a lot of faith
while you go through this process. I can guarantee you
that if you do the grief work now, not later, it is often
much healthier for you as an individual. (and for the
future person you would decide to get involved with).
Also, I have found that when one door really closes
forever the next relationship however long it takes to
come into life allows you open up even more of yourself
and you sit back and say (about 2-5) years later wow ...
now I understand why this other relationship didn't work
out. This doesn't make anything easier, the nights
shorter, the nervous energy less bothersome now, but keep
your faith because as someone who has been there there
are a lot of things to learn during this time. You may
decide never to get involved again, but I do think you
will come to realize that if you are open to it, your
growth will help you move through this transition and you
will get to another perspective. Don't know if this helps
but I hope so.
From: Dumbstruck
Let me tell you my story. I don't know if it'll help,
but I'm here for the same reason you are. To look for
solace and peace. There are no answers when you're hurt
like this but sharing it with others can help. I met my
wife, in Dec. 1992 and we dated for a year and a half
before we got married. It was unbelievable. We were so
much in love that we couldn't be separated. It was
feeling of pure magic. Then we were blessed with a son in
August, 1995. Things were uphill and sometimes we had
rough patches, but life still looked rosy and filled with
wonders we only read about. I considered myself truly
lucky and she told me that she did too (consider herself,
I mean). Then, last month, she comes and tells me that
she's been having an affair with a 19 yr. old for three
months. That was the day I was supposed to join this new
job. I remember being sick thrice on that day. The rest
of that day was a blur.
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