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 Rude Awakening - silent crier
Wow, I don't even know where to begin. I'm grateful
that I found this place of sincere, honest and caring
people. I'm not one who usually tells strangers of my
problems, but out of respect for my husband I simply
can't talk to anyone we know. Our relationship is the
kind that all my friends envy. And I've always been aware
of how lucky I am cause usually we can talk about
anything. Enjoy anything together. We even worked
together and side by side for a few years. Most couples
couldn't last a month like that. Well, anyway, we lived
together for 4 years and got married. Our honeymoon was
perfect in every sense. You see, we live from paycheck to
paycheck and hardly get to go on a vacation so it was
like a fantasy for both of us on top of just saying
"I Do". Our sex life was intense! We really
explored each other's bodies and what fantasies we
wouldn't actually fulfil we would hype it up and talk
about it during foreplay or something.
Now, a year and 2 weeks after our wedding, I sit here
searching the damn net for answers that he won't tell me.
Here's the problem, I've never felt very attractive or
sexy until (we'll call him...) Joe taught me to feel
comfortable with myself. That's when I believe we
starting having the best sex and we were even closer. In
the past 6 months he has withdrawn from me considerably.
Only sexually, otherwise he is pretty much himself. That
includes that he is a sexual person. ( I don't know if
I'm making sense so I'm gonna say it how it is and I hope
I don't offend anyone.) I catch him masturbating quite
often and I wouldn't mind so much, but he used to do that
with me. I have been open with him about how I feel
neglected, that making love once every month or 2 makes
me feel unwanted and ugly. Not only that, but those
occasions were all initiated by me! After discussing this
calmly for the 3rd time I told him I would wait for him
to make the move when he's ready. He says that I should
know that he thinks I'm beautiful, but he never says it.
I don't care if he doesn't say it, I just need to feel
him wrap HIS arms around me. This is what happened that
really convinced me to think he just doesn't want me in
'that' way anymore and believe me, I've tried all sorts
of things to attract his interest. Joe was in the shower
and asked me to bring his close in. When I did I peeked
in the shower (he didn't see me) and he was erect. I
thought hmm... maybe. So I quietly left the bathroom to
go put on shall we say "something a little more
comfortable".
Now remember, I wasn't going to be the one to start it
this time and I thought for sure that he was going to
call me in. 5 minutes go by and I'm anxious so I go in to
tell him that his clothes were all set, I peek in the
shower, and he had just finished pleasing himself. The
look of satisfaction on his face is one that I haven't
seen for months and he turns around and says, "If
you were here sooner". I'm so upset and my stomach
actually turns when I think of how turned off he must be
by me. He tells me there's nothing wrong and he seems so
sincere, but I KNOW it's not right. I told him that if he
really wanted me to join him in the shower, he would've
said so and he just smiled and said, "You're so
sensitive and that's one quality I love about you."
I know he loves me. Like I said our relationship is
great, but I'm beginning to feel lost. Although I try not
to cry about it too much to him, he should by now know
how much this hurts me.
I'm afraid that I can't be calm anymore and I spent
all last night and this morning crying over yet another
rejection. Am I blowing this out of control?? He still
does things like hold my hand while walking and he tells
me several times a day he loves me...so what happened.
I'm 25 and he's 30 so it's not age or anything. From what
I can tell from others situations, sex at least once a
week would be considered the norm., right? I'm sorry this
is so long and thanks for reading it all if you got this
far. I'm really trying to hold it together here and be
strong cause I'm hoping this is just a phase that's
taking a while to run it's course. For the record, (not
that it matters) I'm a strong minded individual. A Virgo.
My intuitions are very accurate with most things, right
now I can't focus and I feel crushed. Your opinions will
be appreciated for this
 From: Bernd
The word “addiction” comes to mind here, and
although your husband’s behavior isn’t an
addiction in the classic sense, it has some of those
qualities. Those qualities are: he uses it as a source of
pleasure to help escape real life struggles; it is
compulsive; he does it in secrecy; he bends the truth to
escape responsibility for his choices; and you can’t
get him to stop doing it, no matter how much you tell or
show him the pain you feel.
The most important thing about any addictive process
however is realizing the 3 C’s, as we call them in
Al-anon: you didn’t cause it, you can’t control
it, and you can’t change it. That doesn’t mean
change can’t or won’t happen, but that our
attempts to get someone else to stop addictive behavior
are futile, and can often grow as obsessive as the
addiction itself. In other words, we get addicted to
trying to change the addict.
His change has NOTHING to do with your worth as a
human being, or your inherent sexual desirability. Pick
the “ideal” woman, give her to him as a
partner, and she’d either be a walk-over-me-mat, or
be in exactly the same situation as you in the same
amount of time. This is a struggle that comes from deep
inside him, long before you ever came on the scene.
Somewhere inside, he thought you would be the
“fix”, and it turned out you weren’t.
Don’t be worried tho; when we try to get another
person to fix an unhealed part of us, it never works -
true healing can only come from within ourselves, WITH
others help. But the commitment to heal has to be there
first.
There is a saying “nothing changes if nothing
changes”. As long as you keep trying to get him to
change, your frustration will grow, and he’ll just
get better at making excuses, and finding more secretive
ways of doing what he’s doing. That’s the
addictive process. It’s not because he doesn’t
love you; he loves you as much as he’s able to.
It’s because his way of coping with whatever
struggles he has are the only things he knows that work,
that he has enough feeling of control over. It isn’t
rational, and doesn’t make sense. But that
isn’t registering with him - yet.
You have the choice to decide whether his choices are
unacceptable to you, and the choice of whether to leave
or to stay. If you choose to stay, here are my
suggestions to help you find some answers and more peace
of mind and happiness back to your life.
First, remind yourself constantly that this is HIS
problem, not yours, and not a statement about your worth
- sexual or otherwise - as a human being and woman. You
probably will find it hard to believe that at first, but
the more you repeat it, the more it will ring truth
echoes inside of you. Second, start searching for
information on sexual addiction. As I said, his behavior
might not be true addiction, but what you learn about the
addictive process will help you make sense out of much of
what’s happening. It will also give you valuable
insights on how to deal with it in ways that are better
for you, and also for him.
Third, I’d highly recommend taking an in-depth
look at your own past, and trying to piece together the
influences that left you with the fears you’ve had,
and still have, about your own power to make sexual
choices without needing a partner’s tacit permission
or encouragement. Your body and your sexuality belong to
you, and as long as you don’t use them to inflict
harm on yourself or others, ANY choice you make are good
ones for you. You are allowed to fantasize about
anything, without needing a partner’s ok. If anyone
judges you for your sexual values, they have the problem,
not you.
Fourth, give yourself as many opportunities as you can
to TALK about your feelings with anyone you consider
trustworthy. A therapist, priest, trusted friend, etc.
are in that pool. Writing your feelings and thoughts in a
private journal can also help a lot.
Fifth, begin searching for ways you can have intimacy
with your husband in non-sexual ways. If he’s
willing, you could ask him to let you touch him all over
his body in non-sexual areas. It’s important that
you maintain a commitment not to have sex during such
times, even if HE decides to initiate (although you could
always make a sex date for 15 minutes later). Focus on
discovering the pleasure you can get from your fingers in
touching and caressing him, and leave his reaction and
feelings to him. If you try to make HIM feel good, you
are back in the trap. Leave his feelings to him. Another
imitate thing is just talking, while he listens - then
giving him the chance to do the same vice versa.
It’s important that the listening partner just
LISTENS, not interrupt or try to defend themselves. Talk
about anything you want, as long as the focus is on YOU -
your feelings, your past, your hopes, your dreams,
experiences, etc.
The more non-sexual intimacy and emotional safety
partners feel in a relationship, the more the bedroom
just seems to take care of itself. As much as the change
in the sexual part of your relationship is a real pain in
the ass, it may also very well be the first chance
you’ll have a looking at the REST of the
relationship, without the distraction of sex.
I suspect that a big part of what you miss is the
feeling of emotional closeness you have during sex. If
so, than your search to get this back may very well be
more productive if you focus on building closeness in
other parts of your marriage. Remember when you do that -
because a marriage is 50/50 - you can bridge half of this
distance without needing any change from him. In our
marriage, I have a simple rule of thumb that works really
well for me: “once I get my half perfect, I’ll
start focusing on Lynda’s half”.:) The irony is
that the more I focus on my half, the easier it is - and
the more likely it is - for Lynda to take care of hers.
I hope you find the answers and insights you need to
bring you the peace and happiness you deserve.
P.S During much of our marriage, it was sex once or
twice a month, with me wanting it every day. Once I
accepted Lynda’s need to set her own sexual
boundaries, and was comfortable and okay with whatever
frequency was comfortable with her, things began to
improve - then exploded in a nice way! Now she’s an
animal:)))
From: Susan
Hello !!! Bernd, usually I agree with you, you are
insightful and very positive in your thinking. BUT, in
this case - having to join an S-Anon group this very last
week - I think "addiction" could ACTUALLY be a
problem. This is OUR problem. I have read MANY books, and
this is pretty much a "classic" pattern for the
Sex Addict.
Please, If you feel this could be a problem - get some
books like "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick
Carnes, and "Women Who Love Sex Addicts" by
Douglas Weiss. See if any of his other behavior fits the
profiles. Examine your inner voice to see if this is a
comfortable fit. If so, follow the advice given and know
YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are some WONDERFUL sites on the
Internet regarding the addiction to pornography,
masturbation, etc.
Trust your instincts in this - only you know what is
really going on in your life AND how you feel about it.
From: Bernd
I'm glad you posted Susan. I think it's really
valuable to have the insight of someone who is familiar
with sexual addiction.
The reason I hedged on calling it an addiction was my
understanding of the addictive process is that it is
progressive, and follows the disease process - i.e., it
adversely affects the physical as well as the emotional
and spiritual well-being of the addict. I'm not sure if
all 3 apply here yet (notice my key words "not
sure").
I used masturbation as an escape for many years, and
my therapist and I went over this territory in my
recovery several times. When he called my struggles a
"sexual addiction", it didn't ring true with my
inner voice, and I took a lot of time checking it out
inside. I know that denial is one of the things us
addicts do well, but in my case, treating my struggles by
looking at the addictive parts (compulsions is another
word), while NOT treating it as an addiction, has worked
well for me. The more accurate a disease diagnosis is -
whether it's spiritual, emotional or physical, or a
combination of those - the better chances there are for
appropriate treatment.
That said, I want to acknowledge that my floundering
on this topic - when it comes to anyone else - is just my
best guesses, and I still have tons to learn here. I DO
hope she takes all of your suggestions to heart, because
you spoke with a clarity that struck chords inside me.
One more note: addictions often don't start off as
addictions, but get to that point if someone goes far
enough down a compulsive path (for instance, many
alcoholics had years of drinking where their drinking
didn't adversely affect their health, and was as
controllable as someone without the disease. But at some
point they passed the tripping point, and the slide into
the pit began). This woman's husband - if not an addict -
certainly seems to be going TOWARD that pit, not away
from it. Thanks again for your insights.
From: Silent Crier
First I want to say Thanks for responding to my
letter. It helps to know that I'm not alone. But the
thought of this being an addiction is pretty scary. I
know all about addiction, I've been clean for 6 years. So
I really had to absorb this thought and take a look at
some of my actions as a drug addict and pertain it to my
husband.
Well, I think we have a mighty long road ahead. He is
not an addict but like Bernd said, I think he's on his
way. Recovering from any addiction can be terrifying and
may seem very lonely, even if you have people by your
side. I know I can't help him unless he wants to be
helped, and if I express my concern over this, he'll most
likely blow it off. (he has already) I'm still trying to
figure out why this even started. All I can think of is
that he's had a lot of extra pressure at work and my boss
is a jerk. He wants me to stay home and have children and
I want to save a little money first. He sometimes feels
as though he's failing me. (He's old fashioned and thinks
he should be able to support me, I want to help
financially) Could this be something that would stir up
such an addiction?
I'm still sort of confused. And I still feel
personally rejected. I'm lucky I found this place, but
where do I find the support groups for this on the net? I
went through a lot of garbage before I found this forum.
Thanks for your help and advice.
From: Bernd
One of the best sites I've seen for recovery and
codependency links is the Angel Lady's site (I have it
listed under the Relationship Resources page). It has
scads of links that I've only just begun to explore.
What triggered the change? My best guess runs along
the line "be careful what you wish for, you might
just get it". I suspect that what might have
happened is that his "ideal sexual woman" (in
his wishing and dreaming) would be someone who wanted sex
as much as he did, someone who had a thirst to explore
the kinds of fantasies he wanted to explore, and someone
who would be "grateful" for all his
"kindness and understanding and teaching". This
makes a powerful sexual combination. I've held many of
the same kinds of "dreams" for many years.
I suspect he sensed loud and clear your earlier
struggles with sexual self-esteem, plus what I suspect
was a sonar signal that you wanted to be FREED from it.
You were drawn together like magnets - he the teacher,
you the student, both wanting the promise of bliss that
each other subconsciously offered.
Except when we use another person to try and resolve a
struggle inside that WE need to heal ourselves, what we
HOPED would happen doesn't happen. We feel freed or
fulfilled to an extent, but we become more aware that
"something's still missing". That's when the
anger begins; we feel we've been robbed, and instead of
waking up to the fact that we robbed ourselves by trying
to detour around true healing, we blame our partner.
What adds to the confusion is sometimes we aren't even
aware that what we're feeling IS anger. So it gets
expressed in other ways, such as shutting out our partner
from intimate parts of ourselves. We also find ways to
avoid feeling that anger, and the emptiness of the
unfulfilled hopes and dreams.
SC, the more successful his "teaching" was,
the more in touch you became with your own sexuality, and
your own needs. That healing happened because YOU gave
yourself permission, using his encouragement to help you
take each leap of faith. I think what happened is that he
lost his SENSE of power over you, as you healed. You were
still just as willing and eager to explore sex, but now
YOU were more in charge of your sexuality, which is very
healthy in my opinion. I suspect that his sexual appetite
is fuelled a lot by his feeling of sexual power over his
partner. If he hasn't done any real healing work of his
own, he had no concept that such true healing would take
place in you. And as such, he didn't foresee the affect
your healing would have on his sense of power over you.
If I'm hitting close to the truth, then what is
happening now makes perfect sense. If he can't have that
feeling of power one way, he'll find another way to get
it back, to feed his sexual appetite. His retreat into
masturbation and shutting you out has left you
bewildered, hurt, and confused. He's successfully jumped
back into the driver's seat, except this time it's your
emotions he has power over, instead of your sexuality.
It sounds as if I'm painting a picture of him as an
evil manipulative person. Try to keep things in
perspective. Although what he is doing may not be
addictive, it is very codependent - which is a disease
process of its own. You discovered in your own drug
addiction recovery that you were unable to see the
consequences of your choices honestly and clearly. That
likely applies to him as well.
If you want his behavior to change, the best way I
know of is to learn how not to feed it, not reinforce it.
Use your recovery tools and meetings to take back the
power over your emotions and sexuality you're still
giving him. They belong to you. I'd recommend as well you
STILL check out all the info you can on sexual addiction,
including any resources for partners of sexual addicts.
And also delve into any recovery resources you can find
on codependency. All these will help you see the
situation more clearly for what it is, and help you find
healthy solutions.
Finally, it's my belief that there are people in this
world who are UNLUCKY enough not to have the capacity to
become addicts. What?????? There may be a genetic
component that allows us addicts to go ALL the way down
that slippery slope, so that we can finally hit bottom
and begin a path back toward heaven (no matter how slow
and agonizing that path may be). If a person is able to
carry on dysfunctional behavior without ever having this
slide happen, they can go thru life blissfully unaware
that they are pissing their life and others down the
toilet. The only chance for such people to find their
"awakening" is in a relationship with a
full-blown addict, as rough as that combination might be.
It's my guess that only when they are able to see
themselves in the mirror their addictive partner gives
them - which is powerfully clear when that partner is in
recovery - that they are finally able to clue in on the
damage they're doing themselves and others. If there's
truth to my guess, it makes a lot of sense out of why
your relationship happened in the first place, and it
also puts a whole new perspective on your relationship.
You thought he was the one helping you find freedom, but
actually, it's very much the other way around. That said,
I want to repeat what I've said so many times before.
The only way you can really "help" him is by
example - focusing on your own recovery, and making
choices that are truly best for you. Staying or leaving
are choices only you can decide on with the help of your
Higher Power. By focusing on your recovery, and making
choices that respect your own worth as a human being,
you'll give yourself the best chances of finding your own
inner peace and healthy solutions, and be the best mirror
for him you can be. That's win/win. What he decides to do
with that mirror is up to him, and between him and HIS
higher power.
Those are my thoughts.
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