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 Sexuality - Mary
I am 29, married for 7 years, and am very much in
love. My problem is that I have always fantasized about
women, and have had some sexual experiences with women
prior to my marriage. I thought that would get it out of
my system (so to speak) but I still think about women,
and I fantasize about being with them. My husband is
aware of all of me experiences and fantasiea with women,
and is very supportive. But he thinks I'm going to leave
him for a woman, and I am afraid I might. Is this a
phase? Any comments are welcome.
 From: Bernd
Have you explored your feelings about women in sexual
fantasies with your husband? Part of the "drawing
power" of taboo or near-taboo desires is the thrill
of the "forbidden". It taps into a very core
part of us that wants the freedom to explore those paths
that have the "promise" of making our lives
feel more exciting, alive, and/or complete.
If you and your husband can get such a comfort zone,
my guess is that you'll be able to get a lot more insight
into where those feelings are coming from, and find
honest and healthy ways of getting the underlying needs
met.
My personal belief is that we all have a mixture of
opposite-sex and same-sex attractions. There are many
bisexual people who have found healthy ways to get both
sides of their sexual needs and desires met, in the
setting of a loving opposite-sex relationship. The
stronger foundation your marriage has (or you're both
building), the better chance you have of finding
solutions that are loving for both of you.
It may be that at some point you both end up deciding
to expand the sexual part of your marriage to include an
occasional or permanent female partner. There's no rule
syaing this can't be healthy, and loving for all
involved. However, because a relationship between TWO
people is challengin enough on it's own, I'd recommend
that you both take your time exploring that possibility,
and be VERY careful to build a solid foundation in your
existing relationship to give your chances of success the
best odds possible. Dishonesty and hidden motives can be
disasterous ingredients when branching out of monogamy.
The book "Open Marriage" - and other similar
books on the topic - can help you charter this course
without getting shipwrecked. In my opinion, it's also
VERY important to put on the brakes ansd talk and talk
some more if either partner feels threatened or anxious
about any part of the journey.
Talking isn't doing. If you keep reminding both of
yourselves about that, my sense is that the more talking
you are able to do about this area of your sexuality, and
your marriage, the better chances you'll both have opf
finding solutions where both of you win, and strengthen
the relationship you have with each other.
Those are my guesses. Let us know how things go!
From: Mary
Thank you for responding. I have included my husband
in my fantasies about women, and he wants to share my
experiences with me; in fact, he REALLY wants to be a
part of it. Now, saying and doing are two different
things. I met a bi-sexual woman, and I wanted her to come
to my house. Well, that was fine with my husband, and he
said he didn't want to be there, he wanted me to find out
if this was really what I wanted. So this woman came
over, she was everything I would want in a woman, very
beautiful. By the way, my husband was working at the
time. So about two hours into the night the phone rings,
it's him. Now, at this time the woman and I were just
talking, I didn't think anything was going to happen. So
I answer the phone, and my husband expressed some concern
because he didn't know who this person was that was in
our home. I assured him that everything was fine, and
then he became very jelous and uneasy about my situation.
Meanwhile, this girl is ready for something! I am not at
all interested anymore because I knew my husband didn't
approve, but at the same time I wanted her so bad. So, I
kindly turned her down, and my husband was pleased that I
didn't do anything with her, and later told me that he
needed to be a part of my fantasies from then on. But how
do I know if he can handle being involved? He says he
can, but I'm afraid that we'll be in the middle of a
situation, and he will have emotions he never thought he
had. How can he be prepared for that? Thanks for
listening.
From: Bernd
I think it's essential that BOTH partners give each
other the complete freedom and commitment to be able to
say "STOP" whenever one of them feels anxious
or threatened in a new stage of sexual exploration -
whether there's another sexual partner involved or not.
One of the things the book "Open Marriage"
stresses is that healthy expansion of the marital
boundaries requires a trust by each partner that their
partner is truly concerned about their feelings and
well-being. Another important ingredient is that the NEW
person (the outsider or 3rd person) also have a genuine
concern and respect for the primary relationship, and the
feeligns and well-being of each partner. Without those
ingredients, the minefields appear everywhere.
My gut feeling is that if you talk out anxious
feelings when they appear, and work together to find
win/win solutions, BOTH of you will gain far more than
you might ever lose by missing out on a "sexual
encounter" that both of you aren't completely
comfortable with. Be the MOST selfish. Don't settle for
sex where you have to deal with an emotional hangover
(yours or your partner's) after. If you make your goal
"sex with a woman where both me and my partner are
happier AFTER as well as DURING", then you've got
heaven. Why would you settle for purgatory, when heaven
is achievable? And if you are afraid your husband will
never be "ready", remember that you don't have
a crystal ball. If you do the work you need to in laying
the foundation, anything you add to it after won't
crumble it, because it will be STRONG. Give your new
exploration all the time and effort it needs. Mountain
climbers don't set out for the peak until they've laid
all the proper preparations in their base camp. That's
the only way to make sure they experience the thrill of
what lies ahead and still make it back in one piece.
Respect every feeling your husband has about this,
talk it thru with him with kindness, and it will all come
back to you 10 times over in the future - very very
nicely. What you want IS acheivable, if you build a
foundation of loving choices on the way. My thoughts,
anyway.
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