 Burned twice - candy
I have been separated from my husband for 3 years. He
has made the divorce process very difficult. We had
problems 2 years before splitting up in which time I
became involved with another man who had just split with
his girlfriend and child. We were very close friends for
a year before we fell in love.
We had a very loving and giving relationship for about
18 months when he decided that we needed to "slow
down" 2 months later he had his ex move in which
lasted 6 months. He wanted to come back and said that he
made a terrible mistake. I know that she cheated on him
and lied about very serious matters. We got back together
for about 3 months after he told me he made the biggest
mistake of his life getting back together with her. He
changed...he was cold (which I never saw before) and
confused. But, I just thought that it was the after
effects of what he had been through. After 3 mos.he
wanted out once again but told me has has never loved
anyone as much me or felt as loved as did when he was w/
me. And knew that he would be happy w/ me for the rest of
his life but we had different goals.
During the time they were apart, she lived with a few
different men and used them financially. Has never been
able to hold down a job for more than 6 mos. and was
still in trouble financially. And always had some crisis
in her life. He has stayed in constant touch with me and
wanted to be together just recently. I told him no and he
cried. The very next day he told me he was back w/ his
ex. He has forgotten all of the bad that she has done and
believes all of the lies she has told him.
I was hurt all over again. I can't stop feeling
betrayed. She seems to have some hold on him and I can't
believe that someone that has so much to offer would just
forget what we had and go back to that relationship after
being away for 2 years. I know they have a child together
but, they fought most of the time they were together. I
don't understand how he says that he loves me more than
anyone but can't think about that. I trying to move on
but, I have so many unanswered questions. I miss him
terribly.
 From: Bernd
You seem to think your partner is a victim of his ex's
manipulation. Sometimes we mistake volunteers for
victims. The "hold" she has over him isn't
what's bringing him back to her. My hunch is that it's
very much his choice, and he has his own reasons for
going back to her, and ignoring the past lies and other
baggage. My guess is that he finds it extremely painful
to be alone. And the hell of it is, he probably also
finds it extremely painful to sustain true closeness with
a partner as well. So he keeps switching between the
ocean and the deep blue sea.
The best way I know of to stop getting burned is to
jump out of the frying pan - and stay away from the fire.
This man has painted a clear picture of himself - he has
difficulty committing to any relationship “for
better or for worse”, and that struggle comes from a
place inside him that was there long before you came on
the scene. All the “love” in the world
won’t change it, until he recognizes it himself
(usually by going thru enough pain) and begins healing
it.
I’d highly recommend looking into CODA
(codependents anonymous 12 step group), and using the
insights and support of this support program to help you
get insights as to why you are attracted to difficult men
who seem so promising at first. This support program will
also help you see more clearly what unmet needs you are
trying to get filled thru such relationships, and help
you find healthier ways of getting those needs met - and
help you see potential partners in a more realistic
light, which will improve your chances of better
relationships in the future.
The pain you are feeling is your soul’s way of
tugging hard at your shirtsleeves, and saying “what
you’re trying to do isn’t good for you”.
Trying to get a man to commit to you and love you
isn’t good for you if that man is incapable or
unwilling to take the leaps of faith and self-healing
necessary to build such a relationship. It’s like
trying to drink sea water to quench your thirst.
Listen to the pain and your soul. Pain is the teacher
of last resort, but it is a very valuable teacher when we
truly begin listening to it. What’s happening to you
isn’t your fault, but you’re the only one who
has any power to search for a better path than the one
you’ve been on. I hope you find it. Good luck.
|
