 Helpless - 3-D
A couple of days ago, my boyfriend (I'm 22, and he's
35, and we've been together for 10 months) tells me that
he needs to slow things down a bit, because he needs to
evaluate our relationship and where it is headed for. He
can't understand why he cannot express his feelings to
me. He thinks it is because he's afraid of making a
commitment or there is something wrong with him. I was
heart-broken and confused why he said such a thing
because he is so happy with me and our relationship is so
satisfying for the both of us. After having told him that
I love him (for the first time), he cried and cried. Is
this making you confused or is it just me? Anyhow, we
talked some more and I got him to say that if he could
have our relationship exactly where he wants it, what
would it be? He replied that he wants us to have a
long-term commitment. He also admitted to the fact that
he's been thinking how we can possibly be together (as
far as marriage is concerned) because I am so much
younger than him. My boyfriend does not make any sense to
me! I feel so helpless and torn apart. Please help me
with your interpretations.
 From: Bernd
The first thought that comes to mind is an unattached
35 year old - unless he has been separated or divorced
for a few years from an earlier long-term relationship or
marriage - likely has a lot of practice being alone and
independent, but not a lot of practice being in a close
committed relationship. If this is true in his case,
it’s a major life change for him, and undoubtedly
scares the hell out of parts of him. As human beings, we
fear the unknown, especially when it seems to mean
letting go of patterns we’ve grown as familiar with
as an old coat.
If he HAS been in a long-term relationship before,
it’s natural for him to be scared he’ll
“screw this one up too” somewhere down the
line, and at 35, it feels like there’s not too many
chances left to “get it right”. These may be
behind his panic, they may not. But at least they’ll
give you some more starting points to explore with him.
There are 2 bundles of panic at work here: your fear
that he’ll leave, and his fears - which include not
knowing why he feels so afraid. If you have everyone
panicking in a fire, no one makes it out safely.
The best chance you have of helping him with his fears
is to find some ways of coming to peace with your own.
There’s a good reason why you can’t seem to
stop being afraid right now. Subconsciously, holding onto
your fears serves a very useful purpose - it keeps him
from leaving. (He’d feel like a total shit if he
left a woman who was hurting so much deep inside.) But it
won’t keep him FOREVER. The best chance you have for
that to happen is to find a greater peace inside you, so
that your greater inner peace can give him a safer and
more supportive setting to work out his struggles.
The irony is that giving someone the complete freedom
to stay or leave, and loving them and rejoicing in their
choice no matter what choice they make, is the STRONGEST
attraction of all. At 43, I learned this by getting a lot
of scars. At 22, it’s likely a huge leap of faith to
believe it, and that’s understandable.
I’d recommend that you find SOMEONE (or even
better, a few people) who will let you talk, cry, and
scream out the anguish and turmoil you’re going thru
right now. It’s hurts big time to even THINK
we’re going to get rejected, and you need to grieve
the shattering of your hopes and dreams that you’ve
felt so far. Look at how much your feelings of self-worth
and lovability are tied to this relationship, and begin
reclaiming back YOUR ownership of those things. You ARE a
loveable and special human being, and a partner can
remind you of this, but if they leave, you don’t
deserve to have them take your beliefs in your
specialness away with them. It belongs to you.
The more you take care of your own fears in these
ways, the easier it will become for you to TRULY listen
to him, and understand his struggle. As much as you TRY
to listen to him right now, be aware that his internal
radar is on high alert, and it picks up every hint of
hurt and pain in you that his words might trigger. My
guess is that he measures very careful EVERY word he
says, to try to hurt you the least. As long as he does
this, you won’t get the type of deep core honesty
from him that you both need to find win/win solutions.
Just to make this a little more understandable, think of
the times when you held back saying or expressing
something, because you didn’t want to hurt him.
It’s a thing just about all of us humans do.
Having someone(s) who you can talk and cry with (other
than your boyfriend) gives you a lot better chance to get
your boyfriend to open up more completely. It helps take
the edge off inside you, and you can remind him that - no
matter how much hurt you might feel when he says
something - you have a safe place to handle and deal with
that hurt. It sends him the clear message that
YOU’RE taking responsibility for your own feelings,
which is a powerful example, because it frees him to
focus on taking responsibility for his more fully (right
now, he’s trying to ease your hurt AND his at the
same time. Ever try driving 2 cars at once???)
If you don’t have a friend you feel comfortable
crying or talking to, a therapist is a good alternative.
Or check with a local church to find out what resources
might be available that you wouldn’t otherwise be
aware of. Find SOMEONE. This is hard enough to get thru
alone, and your boyfriend is too consumed by his own
struggles to give you the kind of objective and
compassionate support you need. He may WANT to, but he
really is unable to at this point, thru no fault of
anyone’s.
The more you can free your boyfriend to focus on his
struggles, the more the talks between both of you will
lead to new insights and understanding. They MAY lead to
both of you staying together, but be careful not to make
this your main aim. If you try to force a butterfly to
land on your hand, you’ll tear his wings off doing
so. If you give that same butterfly a safe and calm place
and let IT choose, then you’ve given yourself the
best chance possible to have it spread its wings in your
palm and be with you.
Hope some of this helps.
P.S. Age difference CAN be a factor, just like race or
religious differences can be. How much of a factor tho
depends on how much each partner sees the difference, and
how committed they are to building bridges thru any such
differences. My opinion.
From: 3-D
Thanks so much for taking the time out to help guide
me. Before reading what you have to say, I have already
freed him from worrying about my feelings by separating
myself from the relationship for a while. I have begun to
take control and be responsible for myself and my
feelings. He has plenty of space to figure out what he
wants. However, he now understands that I also need time
to find myself again. I was so pleased to realize that
what I decided matched with your advice. Well....like
they say: "When you really love something, you let
it go. If it comes back to you, then it really does
belong to you. Please feel free to give me your inputs.
They mean a lot to me.
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