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 Distancing by cheating -
Kristine
Dear Bernd and ... ...all the guys (maybe women, too)
who have used affairs--extra relationship as well as
extra-marital--for the purpose of "distancing":
I have been reading the posts to this forum for about
a week now and am very impressed with the way you all
care for each other as well as the thoughtfulness of the
writing. I am also experiencing a difficult relationship,
though luckily, I'm in the beginning stages and can get
out without major emotional upset, if I feel I have to.
Unluckily, I'm the type who gets involved very deeply
very quickly--and that's undoubtedly part of my problem.
I would like to know more about the use of
extra-relationship affairs as a way to prevent or slow
down intimacy. I am involved with a man who (as is
usually the case) was absolutely marvellous to me at the
beginning (around 6 mo. ago; we've known each other
almost a year) but has subsequently started putting other
women between us. He said I was coming on too strong
(which, as I know myself pretty well, is no doubt true;
except that he was if anything coming on stronger and
faster) and he needed to see others. All this seems
reasonable; after all, we're not committed to each other
(neither of our divorces is final). But we're both in our
40's, and I especially want to understand better what
makes this kind of situation tick, since my own marriage
broke up because of my husband's affairs (not his--his
wife has a mental illness, although one never knows the
whole story), and I don't want to make the same mistake
again. I know about how partners who attract each other
often are working on similar psychological problems, and
the chances are that even if this relationship doesn't
become permanent someday, the next man in my life will be
dealing with the same issue. Besides all this, I'm
hurting like Hell over seeing him openly flirt with other
women, sometimes even when I'm around.
Is it possible to tell early on whether a man is just
trying to protect himself from an intimacy he has good
reason to fear, or whether he's the type who will always
cheat? One friend says that he's a jerk from the get-go,
and I should move on. Except that when I have made starts
to do this he seems upset, though he also looks like he
is hiding his emotions. Another friend says wait--he just
needs time to sort out his life; and this is certainly
true, too. My daughter who, as the saying goes, is
"12-going-on-30", says he's just "acting
wild and stupid before he gets too old". Obviously,
no matter how much I hurt, I have to wait and keep busy
with other things, but I don't really feel like looking
for someone else right now, as maybe a younger person
would do automatically. Could those of you who have been
through this give me your thoughts on this
"distancing" thing? Are the feelings ever
malicious?
I have never criticized or complained about anything
he does or is, except I'm obviously jealous of the women
(now two, although he claims I'm being "silly"
about this one--that he's not trying to "get"
her) and it's certainly not because of marital things
like housework or raising kids. How do you tell if he's
not one of the smooth-talking "seducer" types
who uses one woman after another, but is just too
guilt-ridden to dump me outright? BTW, I've looked at
articles and Web pages about "affairs", but my
case is not really about an affair, but just monogamy in
a dating relationship. Nobody though, goes into the
"distancing" issue as much as Bernd has. I'd
just like to hear more.
 From: Bernd
An affair is just one of the ways a person - male or
female - uses to try to put the brakes on a slide into
emptiness inside them. From what I’ve seen, it
isn’t used so much as a way to create some distance
in the relationship, as it is a desperate attempt to try
to resolve the growing effects of the
closeness/separateness struggle inside the unfaithful
partner. In simple English, the unfaithful partner is
feeling panicked and empty inside, and finds themselves
drawn into the “new partner’s” com-hither
signals like a moth to light.
Remember Snow White and the poison apple? What looked
delicious and healthy almost killed her, because she
didn’t know about the poison inside.
The real poison in an affair isn’t the intimacy
with another person, or even the sex (though I know
I’ll get lots of disagreement on this). It’s
the fear of abandonment, the broken promises (spoken and
unspoken), the ripping-to-shreds of the safety of future
intimacy, and the dishonesty, and the need to convince
the other partner that THEIR GUT FEELINGS ARE WRONG. When
we lead someone down the garden path to NOT believing
their inner voice, what we are doing essentially is
convincing them not to trust their soul. We are using
their trust and love for us to harm them to the core.
That is why we hurt so damn much when we discover an
affair. It’s like being convinced to leave our mom
as a small child, and then finding out we’ve been
used - and being terrified we’re separated from her
forever. People who have had their trust in themselves
ripped away are terrified they’ll ever be able to
trust THEMSELVES again. By that I mean their ability to
use their intuition and minds to spot danger and betrayal
by ANYONE. That is very, very scary. And not being able
to trust our inner voice IS dangerous, in a very real
sense. (There are plenty of murdered abused women who had
exactly this kind of struggle, not to mention people
whose lives were put in real jeopardy by the
“lovers’” plots to get rid of the unwanted
spouse.) That doesn’t mean that the majority of
unfaithful partners will want to physically harm their
partners. But the more their spouse is out of touch with
their inner voice, the more blindly that spouse is
flying. Flying an airplane with your eyes closed at
20,000 ft feels just as scary as flying it at 500 ft.,
even though the actual chances of crashing into something
are a lot different.
In my opinion, there is no person who will
“always cheat”, although if a man or woman has
been unfaithful once, the odds are that they won’t
stop there - unless they’ve done some significant
recovery work in the aftermath.
What leads a person to an affair? My best guess is
that it’s a combination of factors. The struggle
over the closeness/separateness issues certainly plays a
big part. And ways we’ve learned to cope with pain
and struggle from early childhood are usually of little
help in dealing with this struggle. No one told us that
something inside of us would feel terrified when our
partner got too close or pulled away. We were taught by
others’ example to “live with it”,
“be a man (or woman)”, “take care of our
responsibilities”. In other words, we were taught to
stuff our feelings when they were ones we couldn’t
seem to resolve any other way, such as talking to our
partner. And we all grew up sensitive to other
people’s judgements. We tiptoed carefully when we
DID bring up more serious things with our partner,
because the last thing we wanted to be labelled as was a
“jerk, bastard, etc.” or a “bitch”.
So while all of us share our feelings and fears with
our partner at some level, there’s other parts of us
that are off limits. Not only to our partners, but we
want to keep those closet doors of old pain and monsters
locked away from OURSELVES. Except that love won’t
allow that to happen. There is a power in love that
UNDERSTANDS that shutting off parts of ourselves splits
us. It cripples us. While we’re young and healthy,
it doesn’t SEEM to affect our lives a whole lot. But
it’s like AIDS - the dark sides of us - kept hidden
- continue to rot away inside of us, and we hurt other
people without being aware of it. When we cut ourselves
off from parts of ourselves, we also cut ourselves off
from much of the guidance of our inner voice as well.
So our love is trying to help our partner heal, but in
doing so, it makes them MORE aware of old pain and
emptiness. It FEELS like it’s HURTING them. Pile
that on top of our OWN dysfunctional ways of relating,
and our own anger at how their love is making those
hidden parts of US feel, and you have the common
relationship. One where, the closer the two partners get,
and the longer they are together, the more struggles seem
to pop out of nowhere. In the end you get the 50%
national divorce rate, in addition to those marriages
that stay together but are more like truces, than ongoing
romances.
One of the things that Lynda and I found difficult was
there weren’t many EXAMPLES around us of couples
that took the past pain their relationship uncovered, and
worked together to heal it - instead of blaming their
partners for making them unhappy. How many couples do you
know that are comfortable talking about THEIR problems
with you, in ways that give you clear signs that they are
committed to finding win/win solutions? We found few. The
“appearance” we saw was almost everyone was
happier inner relationships than us. We felt like
misfits. I felt like a misfit, and a failure. The worse I
felt, the less of a partner I was to Lynda, and the worse
she felt. That left me feeling like even more of a
failure. Eventually I felt so empty inside, that when a
woman showed she was attracted enough to me, I took the
doorway marked “affair”. Simply, I wanted to
feel “love” without feeling pain, without
struggle, even if only for a few brief moments. By the
time I had each affair, I had shut down so much of myself
inside to try and numb the old pain and emptiness that I
my inner voice couldn’t get though to me even by
screaming. Which it certainly tried to do.
There are men and women who have become very good at
appearing perfectly normal while locking away painful
past parts of themselves behind steel doors. There are
good conmen (and conwomen) in all sorts of areas of life,
and the area of love and relationships are no different.
When someone finds someone “too good to be
true”, warning bells always go off in me. If a
potential partner IS genuinely healthy emotionally and
spiritually, their inner voice is very much in the
driver’s seat, and their inner voice will clue them
in to the healing WE still need to do. As a result, their
relationship with us will often be confusing and
frustrating (and seem boring in many ways), because their
way of relating will seem very foreign to us. Conpeople
on the other hand are more like the poison apple. They
have had experience at projecting the type of image
someone’s looking for, at saying all the right
things, and doing all the right things. If anyone has had
the experience of meeting the “perfect
partner”, only to be dumped by them unceremoniously
and left with a soul-crushing heart-wrenching pain as a
result, you know firsthand how devastating the disguise
is.
The reason I mentioned all this is that one of the
warning bells worth listening to when considering a
partner’s potential for an affair is how the pain
and emptiness YOU feel compares to what they seem to be
feeling. The more of an imbalance there is, the more your
partner is hiding or shutting off the painful and empty
parts of themselves. It doesn’t mean they’ll
have an affair, but it kicks up the odds.
While we’re on the subject, there’s also a
very close cousin to affairs that surprisingly is more
accepted by our society than infidelity. And it’s
one of the things a partner is terrified of when
wondering whether their partner is having an affair, or
is going to have one.
It’s called serial monogamy. It’s practiced
in Hollywood constantly. Instead of having a serious
outside relationship while still in the initial one, the
partner will scout for a new potential partner while the
other relationship is deteriorating, while still acting
as if they want to stay in the initial relationship. Once
the new possible relationship looks promising enough, the
partner will stop their pretences, and let the initial
relationship deteriorate rapidly. (Usually they tell
their horror stories to the new prospect, which cements
THEIR closeness even more, and gives them good alibis
when the new relationship takes off). In fact, the more
unhappy the left-behind partner is, the more likely the
leaving partner will have their partner’s
“irrational” behavior to use as an excuse for
leaving. The main difference between an affair and serial
monogamy is that consummation of the new relationship
doesn’t take place until the leaving partner has
split. It’s a split hair though, but one the leaving
partner uses like a banner to show that they have kept
their “morals intact”.
Okay, enough for the foreword.:)
Recognizing your own need to attach yourself to a man
is a very good step for you. Your need for closeness and
his need for distance are mirror images of each other (in
a mirror, right is left, remember?). When we are afraid
of getting hurt, we tend to keep our distance from
someone. His flirting is his subconscious way of bringing
up that fear in you. By being loving one moment, and
flirting the next, you never know when it’s safe to
be vulnerable with him, and the natural way of dealing
with this is to be close only when there’s enough of
a guarantee of emotional safety. So he gets his fixes of
“separateness”, which helps him quiet the panic
he feels when you are very close to him emotionally. That
doesn’t make it right; but it might help explain why
he does what he does.
Choices like this where one partner has to lose for
the other to “win” are really lose/lose. We
make choices like this because they buy us time, because
they’ve worked better than any other solutions we
found in the past. What’s the win/win here, the
truly loving solution?
Here’s my guesses. First, his struggle with
closeness is exactly what YOU need to remind you of the
importance of healing your own struggle over separateness
(fear of abandonment). Pain is the teacher of last
resort. WE feel it when we refuse to listen closely to
our inner voice.
Right now your fear of abandonment makes it very hard
for you to set clear emotional boundaries of your own.
Being able to tell him how you feel about his flirting,
and THEN letting him know that you consider it
unacceptable, and will do what you need to take care of
your well-being - is all part of setting your own
boundaries. Your options may be leaving, or telling him
to leave, or not sleeping with him, or going to therapy,
or a whole host of other options. And you have the right
not to tell him what any of your options are, as well as
the right to change your mind from moment to moment about
which option feels best for you.
If your motive is setting your boundaries is to take
care of your well-being, not getting him to change, it
will give both of you better chances of finding a win/win
solution. He DOESN’T have to change for you to feel
better. You may find that this freedom gives him a real
chance to think about how his behavior is robbing both of
you; the more openly and honestly you can talk to him
about YOUR feelings and thoughts, the easier it will be
to listen to him when he gives you tiny snippets of
what’s happening inside him. He’s looking for a
better solution too, but right now he probably has no
idea what that solution could be. Remind him you’re
interested in win/win, and that you’re committed to
carrying your half of any work to find the win/win
solutions.
You said “I have never criticized or complained
about anything he does or is.”. While on the surface
this might seem supportive, it masks your true feelings.
When we feel natural anger over something and hide it
away, it’s like a volcano, ready to erupt without
warning. Inside, he’ll be wary of this repressed
anger (which his internal radar can pick up across the
room), and his wariness will feed his need to keep some
distance. Accept whatever anger you feel, and if you
don’t feel safe expressing it with him, find SOMEONE
to help you validate it. That’s being honest with
him, and yourself.
Finally, a few points. His ex-wife’s “mental
illness” tells more than meets the eye. It sends a
subliminal message to you that if you act too crazy or
irrational, you’ll be painted with the same kind of
paintbrush as his ex-wife. If I can’t BE crazy when
I need to, than I’d really go nuts. I’d suggest
checking your gut feelings on this, and going where it
leads you. About your ex-husband: his affairs increase
the odds that you are going to be attracted to men with
similar struggles, and ways of dealing with those
struggles. That said, I have no idea what the odds are.
Furthermore, the biggest help your past can give you is
helping you see what kinds of old fears and pain FUELLED
your ex’s choices, and then finding out what part
you played in the dance that was a part of coping with
those choices. If you can find ways of stepping back from
that dance, it will help you see your current
relationship more clearly. The more you compare the
POSSIBLE ways your current partner is similar to your ex,
the harder it will be to treat him as a unique
individual. Seeing your ex wear sneakers will help you
recognize when your current partner is wearing sneakers,
but that’s different than saying “omigosh,
he’s wearing my ex’s sneakers!”
I guess I’ve rambled on long enough for now,
eh?:)
From: Kristine
Thank you so much for this answer. It's so full of
insight that it's going to take me several days to absorb
it all and reply fully. I just wanted to say this before
the message scrolls way down the board. In so many ways,
this is exactly what my friend has been trying to tell
me, except that he can't be so frank--for obvious
reasons, maybe. If he told me everything, I guess the
"distancing" tactics wouldn't serve his
purposes, would they? It means a lot to me to hear it
from another person.
From: Contemplator
Kristine, Some of what you wrote hit a note with me
today as I have been looking for more info on
extra-marital affairs even though I have never HAD
one...just contemplating it thoroughly. I haven't got a
clue as to why this hit me now, since I never thought
about it seriously before, not until a specific married
man at work (I've only been there a few months and he
started after I did) showed interest in me and I him. Now
I'm a healthy wench and I often daydream about others but
that's as far as it has ever gotten and I've always felt
I had a good attitude about sexuality. I'm very open,
giving and adventurous with my older-by-23-years hubby
who loves me to pieces and I him.
We have two children together and he's a great Daddy
to them and partner/lover/friend to me. There's no
question of me NOT wanting to be married to my hubby!
Though I've been terribly curious as to what it would be
like to have sex with someone in my lifetime OTHER than
my spouse. I never had sex until I met my husband, you
see. I was very adamant about waiting...not for marriage,
but for the one man I felt completely comfortable and
unreserved with...that's my hubby! He's always seemed to
me, the one person who knows ME best - the good and the
bad. For weeks now I've been relishing thoughts of being
with this other man...he's very different from my hubby:
athletic, fit, likes to go out and do things (not sit at
home watching TV every night), he's still older than I by
ten years but my husband is another 12 years over that #.
I'm very much a "thinker." I have spent
countless hours envisioning every possible scenario for
how to deal with this if I do. Like where, when, what
will I tell him so that he won't think I'm "in
love" with him - which I'm not - and that this is
truly a separate thing from being married.
I don't WANT to break up my marriage though from what
this guy tells me about his current situation, I'm
surprised he's been in it so long! If it weren't for his
kids, he *wouldn't* be in it still, he says. Admirable
yet...I can't believe a healthy 40+ year old male could
live year after year with someone he doesn't share a bed,
or hardly a life with! Then there's the issue of working
together - I'm thinking neither of us wants things to get
weirded out later on so one of us feels like we can't
work with the other...I want to make sure we BOTH are
honest about this up front. And he has been, so far. I
know my faults and what I will have to work on if this
*does* happen. Hey, I can get jealous sometimes! And I'm
a very sensitive soul - quite a daydreamer, yet can be
very realistic too. I know myself to be selfish at
times...this would be a very selfish act, wouldn't it?
Obviously, I hate lying to my hubby and will do
everything to protect his feelings.
Yet, is it possible to be honest with him about this
now or later and not lose him? He's already been through
one divorce due to his first wife of 17 years leaving him
for another (he still didn't want to divorce) - and it
wasn't for sex, since hubby said she was not too thrilled
with being intimate. (I'm the complete opposite of her,
he says!) So any thoughts here? Should I just buckle down
and keep telling myself to forget it? Or should I go for
it? Either way, I'm heading towards miserable it seems.
This is the only other time in my life I've felt totally
attracted to and completely comfortable with a man...we
can talk freely and hey, he likes ME too! That surprised
me for some reason...I know I'm pretty and desirable but
no where near drop-dead gorgeous with a perfect body.
Anyhow, this guy would make a real good friend if I left
it at that...but I'd still lust after him! ;)
From: Kristine
Hmmm...This was not the kind of comment I was
expecting, and I am not an expert on this, since I was
faithful to my husband for our 14 year marriage. And if
this were 5 years ago, I would have "virtually"
screamed at you in ALL CAPS--NO, DOOON'T! But here is my
opinion, anyway. There is a good chance that if you do
have this affair, you will be eventually found out. Maybe
not, but it's a very real risk, and you have to be ready
for this. Also, if you are, and it is, you will probably
hurt your husband very much. Are you sure that he really
believes (not just says) that his wife didn't leave him
because of sex? Sometimes we say things that are the
opposite of what we fear in order to cover up that fear.
Maybe he is secretly afraid that she wasn't keen on sex
with HIM because he is not very good in bed--think this
one through. You could be wielding a very powerful weapon
here, if it's discovered. Also, from what I've heard, sex
in extra-marital situations isn't much different from the
married kind. I've been faithful in marriage, but I've
now had three partners in my life (that's few, compared
to some people, but about average, if some statistics can
be believed), and there isn't a whole lot of difference,
when you get right down to it--or at least enough
difference to risk wrecking your marriage over. (Maybe if
you've had ten, you start seeing huge differences, but
gee--is it worth it?)
Anyway, I like Bernd's approach to this--you have to
think in terms of healthy choices. And if you're itching
to do this, probably nothing will eventually stop
you--you might resist now and with this guy, but not
later. And I no longer believe in trying to coerce people
on "moral" grounds alone. There are just too
many different situations and circumstances--no one sees
that more than I do. But curiosity alone doesn't seem
like a strong enough reason to risk setting off this atom
bomb you're "contemplating" now. ...Anyway, I'm
sure you'll be getting some powerful posts by others, so
I'll not add anything more.
From: Contemplator
Kristine, Thanks for the reply! Made me cool off just
a tad, but that guy is *still* all I can think about
lately. (Very time consuming too! Geez!) I'm pretty
realistic about the quality of sex in an extra-marital
relationship, in this case in fact, I certainly wouldn't
expect it to be better! Even given my relative
inexperience, my hubby is damned good in my book. It's
the idea of learning all about another person, sharing
activities together that I don't and probably *never*
WILL with my hubby. "I'm too young to feel so
old!" is the thought that keeps running through my
mind. For example, I wanna try windsurfing...my hubby
hates the water AND thinks it's crazy to want to do
something like that. Meanwhile, there are LOTS of other
hobbies/activities (which don't require physical exertion
of the sporting type) that hubby and I share that I know
I *wouldn't* with this other guy.
But this other guy would jump at the chance to go
windsurfing, canoeing or rafting with me...he loves that
stuff! And I could try all those "fun" things
I've always wanted to do before I get too old to do them.
Hmmm, maybe I *should* just try to be "friends"
eh? Then I would really have to work towards convincing
my hubby that that guy and I are "just friends"
and that'll be a bit of work. Hubby trusts me now, but I
think he'd be jealous if I spent time with other people
like that no matter WHAT we were doing. We've been
married almost six years and in that time, we have been
each other's best friends and constant companions. I've
had no friends to go out with or "couple
friends" for us to go out with together for dinner
or whatever. It's just been extended family members and
that's it.
My mom warned me that even though we were a
lovey-dovey married couple, we were too close and needed
time outside of our marriage to develop as people. Maybe
she's right? Also, I stayed home for 4.5 years as a
full-time mom/part-time work-at-home freelancer. Staying
home with the kids was grand up until the last year when
I thought I'd go nuts for several different reasons and
we definitely needed a second income. I got the job
opportunity of a lifetime and ta-daa....that's where I am
now! I love being able to talk to ADULTS once again and
have made a couple close friends with my female
co-workers. I'm proud to say our small dept is a
wonderful bunch of people! Anyhow, I am and will continue
to seriously think about what I might do. I'm glad this
guy I'm interested in was open and honest enough with me
to tell me how *he* felt too and what his current
situation and problems were upfront. He was a gentleman
about it, even though I pretty much told him I was
thinking about him in "that way", he never
tried to take advantage of that fact and reassured me I
wasn't being "weird" :) (Hey, I sure felt like
it.) I guess I'll find out Monday how *I* am really
feeling when I see him again...we had our little talk on
Friday you see. Wish me luck and yes, I'm still looking
for advice & comments from those more experienced
than I. Thanks!
From: Susan
Oh boy, this is a tough one. One thing I will say, the
higher the number the MORE alike they become !!!! Without
being too indiscreet, I will say more than 10 and less
than 100 !!!
I cheated on my first husband, of course we were
married at 17 & 19. Could have been just
"growing up and apart". At the time I was just
a selfish little girl and had absolutely no regrets. Now
at 44, I look back and think - "he didn't deserve
that". So, I have many regrets that I hurt someone
who loved me. That is really the hard part - living with
your OWN regrets and pain - so THINK about it VERY
carefully. Actually, there is nothing wrong with a little
lust, you DON'T have to ACT on your feelings !!!
As to men using cheating as a defence - well, maybe.
Then again, he might just be a manipulative jerk who uses
women for HIS self esteem. Sometimes the chase is the
excitement and once the "hunt" is over - BOOM -
you aren't any fun any more. It happens a lot, so be
careful with yourself and your commitment to him. Maybe
just waiting a while longer will tell you how committed
he is to a long term relationship - or just the thrill of
the chase. If you are not able to talk with him about
this - that is indicative of a problem. If he refuses to
see how hurt you are by his flirting, etc. that is also a
problem.
I personally think that by him telling you, you are
"silly" for having ANY feeling, is a strong
indication that there is a problem. No one's feeling are
"silly", maybe their actions - but NEVER their
feelings. I hope for the best for both of you, only you
know what is in your heart.
From: Contemplator
Susan, thanks for the reply! Of course, I know I'll
hurt my hubby deeply if he ever found out. I'm the type
that usually feels guilty about all kinds of things...I
can hardly buy a book or something without feeling guilty
I spent money on myself if we've got big bills to pay!
(Something my hubby has *no* guilt about
whatsoever...okay, that's one of our sore points, just to
let ya know!) Anyhow, this is why my lusting after this
one guy sorta scares me. Right now, I don't feel one iota
of guilt and that's just not like me...it's like whatever
morals I had just disappeared into never-never land and I
feel like having an affair is the most natural thing to
do and "why would anyone object?" when
intellectually, I know it's definitely NOT! I'm
like...WHERE is my conscience! (It usually works
overtime.)
Well, it's coming back slowly but my hormones keep
getting in the way. I'm hoping this will just cycle
itself out and I won't be having adulterous thoughts in
the near future but then I'll have a whole 'nother
problem... this guy already KNOWS how I feel/felt and I
know he feels somewhat similarly. I already told him I
don't want to screw up our working relationship *ever*
and he agreed. Man, can I be stupid...if we go ahead with
it, even if it's just ONE time...it WILL alter things at
work no matter what the outcome, won't it? (Let's rename
me "Confused") By the way, just to let y'all
know...I most definitely would NOT want to marry this guy
EVER. I already know what it's like to be in blended
family (have a teenage stepkid who lives with mom &
stepdad) and deal with an Ex...even a half-way amicable
after-divorce situation like my hubby has with his ex is
a royal pain for the second wife (me). I *really* don't
wanna go through THAT again (they guy's got two young
children.) His way of living is so opposite from what I'm
used to, I doubt I'd enjoy it. Thanks again!
From: mzet
Here is my perspective from the
husband's-whose-wife-is-having-an-affair side: if you
choose to have the affair, the pain that he will
experience will be greater than if you and the children
(if you have any) would die in an accident . You will
cause great suffering.
From your description, if you continue the
"friendship" with this guy, eventually you WILL
fall in love (if you're not there already! I think you
may have, reading between the lines) and nothing will
stop you. You will progressively continue to rationalize
your choices (as you have been doing and as is reflected
on your postings).
Some of the reasons why you may be looking for an
affair have to do with the nature of your relationship
with your husband and with deep wounds that you yourself
have that you don't even know about. If you want to avoid
being the cause of all that pain (to your husband, your
lover and yourself), I would suggest you begin to explore
the problems in yourself and in your marriage first. They
may be hidden now, but they are there. An affair will
disclose them with a lot of blood and ashes behind your
path. But may be there are other avenues to achieve this.
I don't know because my wife and I never explored other
avenues at the time. In retrospect, I can say that there
were serious problems in ourselves and in the
relationship, despite the fact that we BOTH thought we
had the perfect marriage and we BOTH thought we were OK
inside.
If you do choose to have the affair, get ready for
hell. I think it can be both the best and the worst
thing, at the same time, that can happen to a marriage.
But the risks are huge. For example, I almost signed the
papers for a divorce twice and we are still not out of
the hot water, a year after she started the
"friendship" and after she fell in love with
the "friend" she has told me repeatedly that
she does not love me. We have had no intimate contact
(sex, kissing, holding hands, etc. for about six months
now). It continues to be very painful for both of us. We
see no end to the pain.
Be careful, pain hurts. Take care.
From: Bernd (to Contemplator)
This stage in a relationship is VERY common. Both
partners have found a middle ground between closeness and
separateness that - while not as fulfilling as
they’d like - is comfortable enough. The status quo
“works”, and there is a relative peace and
stability to the relationship.
Except the growing feeling that “something is
missing” becomes more inescapable every day. In your
husband, his age makes it easier for him to accept those
feelings, because to risk “stirring the pot”
(talking about his own emptiness) is too much of a risk.
He’s been thru the pain of one failed relationship;
he doesn’t have the stomach for another one.
In you, the disappointment of “is this all there
is?” is stirring away inside of you, and makes you a
prime risk for an affair. The longer the status quo in
your marriage continues - no matter how good you convince
yourself the marriage is - the harder it will become to
not act on those feelings. Once you actually have an
affair - even if it’s only for one night - that
secret will make true closeness between you impossible.
The secret becomes like an impregnable wall, and no
matter how many windows you put in it to make it make it
look less like a wall, it will remain an impregnable
barrier - until the truth comes out.
Your FEELINGS are healthy. Feelings give us important
clues about how we are still letting ourselves to be
short-changed in life. But feelings aren’t choices.
You mention that an affair would be selfish. I’ll
go a step further. An affair would not be selfish enough!
When we are REALLY selfish, we want the most we can get.
The choices that ALWAYS give us back the most are choices
that are truly loving ones - win/win/win, etc. In our
relationship, we’ve found that when we are the MOST
selfish, we find solutions that far exceed what we
initially wanted. We get more than we asked for, and
it’s ALL nice - no unpleasant after effects, no
secrets.
Every need and desire you have, your husband has as
well. Every unmet, or unfulfilled desire you have is
matched by a similar unfilled desire in your husband. The
solutions each of you might be exploring may be a lot
different, and how aware you each are of those unmet
needs may also vary widely. Each of you is
“settling” for less than you deserve and need
in certain areas of your lives. Each of you is also the
BEST one to help each other find solutions, because of
the ways each of your needs fit together like jigsaw
pieces.
My suggestion is talk. If you talk well together now,
then make a goal of bringing your talking to even higher
levels of intimacy. When you can share with him
everything you’ve shared with us about what you are
thinking and feeling - and both of you feel comfortable
and close as you share it and after - then you will have
something that is very very powerful and wonderful. There
is something magical that happens at each new stage of
intimacy, that opens new doors to intimacy and solutions
to fulfil important needs we have that we never saw
before.
If you are both willing to talk, and explore, and
search actively for win/win, there is NOTHING that you
can’t have that is part of filling you up inside
with love and happiness. Your desire to explore new
sexual boundaries can be met more safely, and with more
possibilities for mutual fulfilment and happiness, by
exploring those desires together with lots of talking
first. It won’t always be easy, because the unknown
is always scary, until we’ve taken the time to get
familiar with it, and find out where the paved areas are,
and where the potholes are.
Be selfish. Be very very selfish. Don’t settle
for anything less than the solutions that give you the
most back - permanently. Don’t settle for anything
less than the most loving solution for yourself. The one
that is the most loving for you, will be the most loving
for your husband as well. That is the route to true
happiness.
We’ve been down the other road. It’s got one
hell of a painful invisible dropoff. Good luck.
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