 Dishonesty - Misty
My first husband was a womanizer. We were married for
25 years. I was brought up a Catholic and you stayed for
better or worse. It only got worse. I was beat up, lied
to and cheated on. He finally left for a younger woman. I
swore I would never again live like that. Then I met a
recovering alcoholic and he talked of honesty and the 12
steps. He read his big book and attended meetings. Then
one evening a woman from a meeting he had been at called.
She had been told that I was the landlady. He had given
this young woman his phone number thinking she would not
call until the next day. I told him it was over. But it
wasn't, I took him back. Then he lied about going to
visit his mother. He came up with another lie to cover
that lie. The he became infatuated with another woman at
his AA meeting. He went to more and more meetings and was
at home less and less. He was distant and mad whenever I
wanted some of his time. I broke up with him again.
I later found a letter talking about how much he loved
this girl and that he would marry her and move to
California with her. Four months later he came to my door
with a sad story about not getting any Christman
presents. Two months later, we were back together. I
found out he is getting on bulletin boards and talking
sex with other women. He is also looking a porno about
homosexuals and children. Then he became infatuated with
another woman at a new AA meeting he was attending. I
threw him out and got a restraining order. How did I end
up with two men with sexual problems? And why did I stay
so long the second time? I am very discouraged and
depressed.
 From: Bernd
Pick up the book "Women Who Love Too Much".
It will give you a lot of insight into both your AND his
struggles and choices in this relationship and past ones.
Alcoholism is a PRIMARY disease for alcoholics, but it
often masks a number of secondary diseases, which show up
in relationship addiction (affairs) and sexual addiction,
or many other forms of addiction. Like having AIDS, and
being sick as a result with pneumonia as well. Both the
HIV and the pneumonia have to be treated.
Think of addictions as air pockets in a waterbed. If
you press down on an air pocket at the foot of the
waterbed and make it go away, it usually moves to another
part of the waterbed. The trick is to move it steadily
toward the air hole, where it can finally be released
permanently.
Alcoholism isn't much different. The AA program
focusses on abstenence first - beacuase recovery isn't
possible if an addict is still drinking - and then works
on healing the underlying pain (the causes of the
disease). Unfortuneately, many recovering alcoholics find
it difficult to accept that abstenence is only the
BEGINNING of the healing process, and slow down their
real recovery efforts under the illusion that - if
they're not drinking - they're not a practicing addict
anymore.
AS much as you might hate to hear this, your choice of
addicts as partners is the only way YOU can reach a point
where your life is so unmanageable, that you are able to
recognize a similar disease process in you. It's called
co-addiction, or codependency. The addict is addicted to
booze, drugs, sex, or something similar. Us codependents
are addicted to people. We try to numb our pain thru
other people, instead of booze, etc. It's every bit as
progressive, baffling, and painful as the process an
addict goes thru.
I'd recommend you ask for feedback from Susan,
Cautious or Kim, all who are in active recovery from
their disease processes of codependency. They can tell
you what life was like before they began recovery in 12
step programs such as Alanon or Codependents Anonymous,
how difficult it was to see the disease process at work
in them, and how much of a difference being in 12 step
recovery programs has made to their lives. They are the
experts, and because they're women, they can give you
insights and perspectives that will likely be a lot more
meaningful than any I could every give.
I hope this gives you a start. I'm a codependent, and
will always be one. I hated being one at first, but now
realize it's not much different from having diabetes, or
any other lifelong disorder. Once I accept it, and treat
it appropriately, I can find a way back to the type of
happiness and love that I deserve. Whenever I wonder
"why me", I think of the people in Ethiopia,
and the answer comes back "why not me".:)
From: Misty
The comment about trading one addiction for another
really meant something to me. He was saying that he was a
recovered alcoholic, not a recovering alcoholic. I have
read "Women Who Love Too Much", so I got it out
and dusted it off and will read it again. I am also
rereading "Codependent No More". I have been to
couseling and Al Anon. But in the last months I have
forgotten all that I learned. I have been a raging
codependent. I thought I could handle living with someone
who had a problem, if they were working on it. But the
dishonesty finally took its toll. Mine and his. Mine
because I would not admit that the relationship needed to
end. Insanity to doing the same thing over and over and
expecting different results. I thank everyone for their
comments, they have been a light in a dark and stormy
night. Here is a poem I wrote that explains where I am. (The Mist).
From: Susan
Misty, I would be very willing to share my story and
my feelings with you. It is VERY necessary for all of us
to find loving accepting support - anywhere we can.
Just a few weeks ago I sat at my therapist's for 1
hour and RAGED, totally out of control - but I knew I was
safe. All I could think about **that day** was any number
of bizarre and painful ways I could kill my husband !!!!!
Talk about anger, betrayal, and pain - I sure had some
!!!! Yes, it sounds a little strange - but that's where I
was, at least I could finally feel SOMETHING.
I think some of the others here on the board would be
willing to share with you and support you too. It's OKAY
to ask us to (as hard as that may be for you right now.)
E-mail might be best, just to keep the LONG posts to a
minimum - or to protect anonimity if some wish it. Let me
know..... {{{{{{{{{MISTY}}}}}}}}}
From: kim
How many times have I asked myself those similar
questions? Too many to count. But, at least you are at
the point where you are asking those questions and
searching for an answer; not just going through the
motions of living.
My biggest help has been searching out support groups
(we have a Coda group here in the town where I live)and
looking for web sites such as this one. To get
unconditional support and be able to let out the secret
emotions you may not even know you have in these kinds of
atmospheres is very healing. Once you get out the energy
you can attack your situation with a clearer mind.
Personally, I've already learned a great deal just
from reading the past posts. We are all different, but
the same, you know? I'm quite tired right now having had
a long HOT week at work and am not very philosophical at
this moment, but just know that are lots of us out there
and you are not alone. Keep posting and getting support.
That's the first step to a new and better/happier/more
peaceful life. Big hug!
From: Misty
I would welcome some feed back and someone to talk to.
This is the first time I have used this discussion forum,
but I feel better and the crazies have calmed down.
Please let me know how I give you my email address. I
wasn't sure it was ok to just post it here.
From: Susan
We're all friends here - a little sharing won't hurt
me: (email address deleted) - That's me. Write a
LONG letter if you want, I'm on vacaton from work next
week so I'll have PLENTY of time to answer !!!! A book I
found absolutely indispensible - Women Who Love Sex
Addicts by Douglas Weiss..... but buy a box of Kleenex, I
have a feeling you will find yourself on every pge - I
sure did !! HUGS.
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