 To the men: Question - concerned
As long as the subject of "orgasm" has come
up, I hope to get a man's perspective on women and
"fake" orgasms. Can a man really tell if a
woman is not climaxing? How? This such a hard subject for
me to talk to my partner about of course. I would
sincerely appreciate a man's point of view on this topic.
Is it frustrating for you that woman take so long because
I know that is a concern of mine. Do you resent that? How
long is too long? I am in a great relationship with a man
I feel I really love. Our sex life is very erotic and I
can tell he is doing everything in his power to satisfy
me, but it seems like when I concentrate on orgasm it
really turns to a goal and takes so long I start to feel
guilty and like I should just focus on him and letting
him go ahead and come.
Sometimes I really want to touch myself to move it
along faster but I am afraid he will feel inadequate like
he's not bringing me to it himself. What are your
thoughts on that? Sometimes it seems easier (although
very frustrating) to fake the orgasm and save face for us
both. I never actually say anything during this
"fake", one way or another but I try to give
him the impression it happened. I know he doubts, I'm
afraid to bring this up to him for fear of him feeling
bad or putting a big focus on it and run the risk of our
love making not being as sensual so I just can't seem to
talk to him about it. I keep hoping it will just happen
some day. He has had other partners and is a great lover.
Would he be able to tell because of his past experience
or does it feel different with all women? I know he loves
me and wants to please me. I am very confused and would
welcome any comments or suggestions. Thanks!!
 From: Robert
As far as the faking an orgasm goes, at least with my
current partner, I can definitely tell when she has an
orgasm (very strong internal muscles). However, I feel
that the there is a deeper problem here... communication.
Don't be afraid to tell your partner about your concerns.
The doubt that he may have is much worse than your fear
of hurting him. If you tell him, he won't have that doubt
anymore and then ya'll can start working on why you feel
so uncomfortable.
As far as the helping yourself along, go for it. It
excites me greatly when my partner does something like
that. That she is comfortable pleasuring herself while I
am pleasuring her also. It draws us closer together that
she trusts me enough to do this. As far as your orgasms
go, just relax (I know, easier said than done). AS you
said, it seems like a goal now. Don't make it a goal and
who knows, it may just sneak up on you. You may find some
of the sex guides helpful. "The Ultimate Sex
Guide" by Ann Hooper is very helpful. She describes
a three day retreat situation that may help ya'll.
Find a quite place where you will be undisturbed for
three days. The first day, spend time talking and walking
together. Once back in the room, remove your clothes and
caress each other ignoring the genital areas. Do this for
about an hour and take a break. Continue throughout the
day. Sleep together that night, but NO SEX. The second
day, do the same thing, but also caress the genital
areas. Try not to bring each other to orgasm. The third
day, start with the massage including the genitals. Once
fully aroused, lay your partner on his back an lay on top
of him. Insert his penis, but just lay quietly until his
erection subsides. Break and go to lunch. After ya'll get
back, repeat the above, but after his erection subsides,
continue with lovemaking. This gives each of you a
renewal that is incredible.
BTW men, have you ever faked an orgasm?
From: James
In my opinion, what makes sex the best is being able
to please and satisfy my partner. How long it takes
doesn't really matter as long as she's getting there and
it is still pleasing. You shouldn't worry about his
orgasm so much. Believe me he will have an orgasm. We men
can have orgasms pretty much as the drop of a hat. We
WANT to have an orgasm during sex but when isn't so
important. Keep in mind, a man can have an orgasm in
about 2 minutes. Communication is so important. Be aware
of him and help him to be aware of where you are. If you
become too passionate or vigorous at the wrong moment,
he'll lose control and then feel bad that he wasn't able
to last. Just relax and enjoy.
You need to please yourself and by doing so, you will
please your man. The most exciting and memorable sexual
experiences that I have had are those in which my partner
was having a wild and uncontrollable orgasm. That makes
it that much more exciting to me. Touching yourself is
also a turn-on for men (or at least me).
As for faking it - don't. If he can detect it (and I
think to a great degree this depends on your acting
skill) he will never forget it and it will call into
question your entire sexual relationship and maybe your
relationship in general. I don't know how you would be
able to fake the strong involuntary contractions that he
can probably usually feel. You are better off being
honest with him and with yourself.
From: concerned
THANK YOU. I really needed to hear some insight from a
man's point of view. Part of my problem may be because of
my relationship with my ex husband. He was a good person
and I eventually could orgasm with him. However, our sex
life was really in need of the intimate conversation I
craved and he never treated me special in bed like my
current partner does. He never turned me on the way my
lover does now. My ex would say things like " Want
to do it now?" He was a nice person and he would do
ANYTHING for me but he constantly bugged me for sex. Just
the way he went about the whole thing was so unromantic
and it turned out to be a major conflict in our marriage.
I didn't respect or care about what he thought during
sex. Maybe I didn't respect him. He was not a great lover
but I did feel comfortable with him as far as orgasming
goes. Now I feel like I want everything to be perfect ( I
know that's impossible) especially sexually,since that
was so unsatisfying in my marriage. My lover now is
everything I wished my husband could be before
lovemaking, during and after. I feel like things could go
sour if I say anything. I wish I knew for sure how he
would respond and feel about it. I love him and I know he
has never met anyone like me either, I can feel it in
every bone in my body, I see it in his eyes and our
conversations about feelings et... I feel like a failure.
I really haven't focused on this until recently and now I
can't get it off my mind, I want to feel as close as
possible to him, I want this so badly. It's like the
final step in our fantastic sexual relationship. I am
afraid he will feel cheated if I tell him the truth. Is
there any way I can get over this with out talking to
him? By the way, I am very orgasmic with myself and have
explored what it takes et... Do you think I have some
deeper problem? I am desperate for answers. Insight on
this subject from ANYONE will be greatly appreciated!!!!!
FEELING LIKE A FAILURE...
From: Robert
First of all, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!! But you are
human.
Second, I can't find the post right now, but it's
either in the Guide or on this forum. It's something to
the effect of " by living with the hell you know
now, you lose the chance for the heaven that you can
find." Powerful words that moved me to tears today.
Trust your partner. Tell him how you feel. In the long
run, it's always better to be open and honest instead of
closed. Your partner can sense the "dishonesty"
and is probably very confused.
Third, trust yourself. Share these feelings of
inadequacy with your partner. Although we must all take
responsibility for our own feelings of self worth,
sharing will allow both of you to work through things.
Maybe the reading for March 30 will help.
Lastly, since you are self orgasmic, maybe ya'll could
set of a time to explore that feeling. Just let him watch
as you explore your own sexuality. That might help you to
feel more comfortable when ya'll are together. My 2 cents
worth. Good luck and let us know how things are going. Be
well.
From: Bernd
A few quick thoughts. No risk is high risk. When I try
to take the route that seems as if it's going to upset
the applecart least, it almost always blows up in my
face. I mentioned it before - freedom is one of the
strongest bonds I know of. Give him the freedom to have
his reactions, and whatever fears he might have as a
result of you talking to him about this. Reassure him
that you don't need him to be strong; and talk, as much
as he's willing. My hunch is that he has his own buried
fears and struggles over parts of his own sexuality that
he's terrified to talk about (if you're good at hiding
your fears about yourself, what makes you think he hasn't
learned to protect himself in the same way, by hiding his
own fears about himself just as well?)
"Perfect" IS possible, if we accept one of
the great paradoxes of love: that perfection and
imperfection can coexist quite well together. The more we
accept our imperfections as blessings rather than curses,
the closer we get to understanding how easy it is to find
perfection in anything we do. The more you learn to
accept everything about you as ok and magical, the more
moments of "this is absolutely perfect!" you'll
feel.:) It's very win/win.
You can certainly do a lot without talking to him, but
I'd suggest using that kind of route to help you find the
courage and acceptance you need TO talk to him. In other
words, the first step is getting thru the struggle inside
of whether or not to talk to him. If you keep reaching
out for help (like you are in this forum) thru as many
safe sources as you can find, it will help you a lot in
dealing with that struggle. As you resolve it, I suspect
you'll find you become less afraid to talk to him, and
more able to talk with him in ways that give you both the
best odds of finding more closeness, and generating some
real healing in both of you.
As we say in Al-anon, first things first. And maybe
talking to others is the first step. Hope some of this
helps. You're doing better than you think.:)
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