 Filling holes - Cautious
Hi Bernd and Lynda, As I anticipated, being finished
with school has taken from me one of the coping
mechanisms that allowed me to survive this experience of
divorce. The other mechanism is the relationship that I
am now in. School had seen its time and I was ready to be
done. The relationship is just beginning to blossom into
something really beautiful but I am realizing that a part
of my inner child has been allowing unhealthy speed due
to a fear of abandonment and a desire for a dream
fulfilled of "happily ever after". This
relationship has all of the makings of a healthy,
functional lifetime experience. We both however have
issues of self doubt that at times cause us to become
clinging and fearful which causes sideways, childlike
behavior. We have begun counselling and I am encouraged
that we are both willing to search and grow individually
and together. The problem, if it is one is that my SO
hears me saying that the relationship is headed for an
ending when I am actually saying that I don't want to
rush what we have been gifted with and lose the beauty of
discovery through the journey. Do you have any insights
or thoughts that would help us slow down yet stay
connected to ourselves and hopefully to each other?
 From: Bernd
The Day at a Time approach is the only thing I know of
that really helps me calm down my fears about the future.
Other than giving your SO your example, and listening to
his fears without trying to fix them for him, I don't
know of much else you can do. He has to find his own
resolution, or stay in pain. Allowing him to struggle,
accepting his fears as ok, and resolving your own the
best you can, is the type of "formula" I try to
use with Lynda. It works better than anything else I've
ever tried.:) Hugs.
From: Susan
I think you just might be over intellectualizing a
little. You say both of you are going to couples therapy.
HOW WONDERFUL - to start at the beginning instead of the
end, that place where so much damage and bitterness
gathers. I think you are doing wonderfully, stick with it
!!! Since you CAN talk and share your feelings with him -
share this one too. Let him read our posts if it will
help.
Looks like to me you are finally taking "the high
road" !!! AND YOU DESERVE IT, TOO !! Love and
prayers to you both.
From: Bernd
Susan, Thanks for reminding me of what I do often too.
I guess Cautious and I have a similar struggle at times,
re: the intellectualizing thing. It's a defence thing.
People think that being "smart" is an
advantage, and unfortunately there's plenty of
reinforcement (money, power, etc.) for all of us to focus
on "headwork" in just about everything. I had
an advantage all thru life that I was able to pick up and
understand some things easier than other people, but it's
my head I've had one of the toughest struggles with in my
recovery. I keep reverting back to trying to explain
things to the teeniest detail, and figuring out stuff, to
protect myself. I really envy at times how easily Lynda
can get right to the heart of something in a few words,
while I'm spitting out a novella trying to get to the
same place.
The intellectualizing struggle reminds me of a person
who finds that one leg is stronger than the other, and
learns how to walk on that leg most of the time, while
the other one gets weaker. One day they have a wakeup
call, and discover they've been walking with a limp all
their life. It's scary as hell to trust our
"weak" leg. I've stumbled a lot when I tried to
use it in the past. That's why I find it so hard to stop
using my strong one. That's why I find it so hard to let
go of the long, intellectual explanations, etc., and just
say it like it feels, simply.
It's ironic. Before recovery, we see our strengths as
blessings, and our imperfections as curses. After
recovery, we discover we were only half right - that we
were only seeing one side of the coin. One day, I'll be
able to say what I just said above in a few sentences.
Hooray! I love your postings Susan.
From: Cautious
Susan, Thanks for responding. I may need to fill in a
bit of information for you to understand why I feel as I
do about the speed issue in my relationship at this time.
I spoke of school helping me "survive" through
the issue of divorce. I have not as yet received a legal
divorce. At this time we are between lawyers. My ex has
severe depression and denial problems and at this point
is becoming very non functional in the real world. He is
not crazy in medical terms but his behavior is becoming
more bizarre as time passes. He has not worked for 6
months and claims that he is unable to find employment
due to a bad driving record. (He is a professional
driver). The problem is that he refuses to look for
employment in any other area. He is probably correct in
being unemployable as a driver since he has had several
accidents and tickets in the past 16 months. He has
stopped paying support to the children as of 15 weeks
ago. I have not pressed this issue in court because if I
take him back there for satisfaction of his obligation he
will probably be able to get the amount reduced. He has
stated that he has the option of having it reduced but
has done nothing because he doesn't want to pay money to
file for reduction. To take him myself would allow him to
request to pay less. My lawyer and I are keeping track of
arrears and hope to have the amount deducted from the
value of the equity in our house when the time comes.
Anyway, as I said, the divorce is not yet legal. My
concern in moving too fast is not so much that I do not
believe in the relationship that Tom and I have been
given but we have made some choices that put the cart
before the horse so to speak. About a month ago I
accepted a ring. The truth is, I probably was the main
catalyst for the purchase, even though Tom wanted to
become "engaged" also. I am beginning to feel
as though the decision was an attempt to avoid the issue
of feelings of abandonment and disappointment and
possibly to validate my worth and desire in the eyes of
Tom and the world. We have begun to discuss this issue at
counselling but as I stated in my first posting, Tom
became triggered from past relationship experiences and
heard me saying that I felt as though I was making a
mistake being with him. This couldn't be further from the
truth and we have talked about the reality of our
commitment to one another. I was married for 17 years.
The emotional impact of realizing that the
"dreams" of that relationship are truly
unattainable is in a way like experiencing a death. There
are two children that I have as a gift of being with Ed,
a 17 year old son and 14 year old daughter. Both children
love Tom but I am sure it is difficult for them to accept
an engagement when there has been no official closure. We
have discussed it a bit but at 17 and 14 they are
experiencing their own life stuff without the pain and
confusion involved in being part of a divorce.
What you speak of as intellectualizing may be just
that. I think however that I am being mature and
responsible as I question my motives and actions. I have
no question to my relationship with Tom as far as being
the right path to pursue, only the speed with which we go
forward. Human fear and insecurity is not a place for
decision making I know. Thanks for any more input, the
more I share my thoughts, the clearer I see and the
healthier choices I receive.
From: Susan
Well, yes, that makes it a little clearer. I agree
that examining your motives and actions are a priority,
especially with the kids in the picture. Still, I think
the fact that you are able to share these feelings AND
discuss them with Tom is a key issue. Don't we all
sometimes do what we NEED to do - to make ourselves feel
better ?? That you CAN feel this ways shows that you are
much farther ahead in your healing process than even you
(possibly) realize !!!!
Probably, my first response was based in my "kick
in the pants" mentality (see DEAR Bernd & Lynda
post !! :-) . I was afraid for you - that you would get
"bogged" down in this issue and not see the
wonderful gift of your relationship. (Hey, I go to S-Anon
- caretaking is my life (ha, ha - little joke from a
serious co-dependent !!) As for the rest of my original
post - I stand behind it 100% ... I think you are doing
great and YOU STILL DESERVE IT. :-) Lots of hugs for you.
From: Kim
Bernd--Oh please don't stop intellectualizing too
often. I get alot of "meat" from what you say.
I was raised by a father whose favourite response to
anything I did was "think, use your head". Now,
in most every part of my life, I think things through so
I'll have made the "correct" decision. That's a
good trait sometimes, it's just in relationships it
sometimes bogs us down. I think that all three times I've
chosen a "partner" who is full of energy and
emotion. They were attracted to my caring and
thoughtfulness, but eventually got tired of my being
quite so "deep". Well, deep can be interpreted
as intellectual, but in my case sometimes it was just
trying to cover all of my bases so that I wouldn't get
hurt. Really worked, didn't it!?!
Anyway, I think and process very similarly to you and
find your words of advice (all of them) great food for
thought. Please feel free to go on and on and on and
on.......God knows I do!
From: Cautious
Hi again. A little more background that will be useful
in understanding what "we" are dealing with. I
am a recovering alcoholic. I have been in recovery for 8
1/2 years and am a different person than I was before the
12 steps became part of my reality. I still belong to the
progress not perfection club so I continue to attend
meetings and share. I also go to Al Anon and ACOA.
Although to the best of my knowledge there was no active
alcoholism in my growing up experience there was an awful
lot of dysfunctional behavior!!!!! I have just completed
my education and my dream is to work with developmentally
disabled seniors. I am now employed and love my job but
the current position doesn't require a degree hence the
pay is not what I will need in the long term, especially
when the loans start coming due. I am gaining needed
experience and I am blessed to have insurance coverage
for myself and the children. God has been very faithful
and my gratitude list is lengthy. Perspective is usually
pretty balanced but at times, especially when hormones
are high, I lose sight...
I appreciate your willingness to share your insights.
The discovery of this website is another gift from my
Higher Power for sure!!! I will be writing more to you
later. There is much that I would like to share and
ponder.
From: Tom
For what is love if not an expression of truthful
fears? Growing to rely upon a love's continued
appreciation of my presence even when my self
condemnation is at a peak is a dream that is being
fulfilled today. I love your ability to respond to my
self condemnation with not enabling kindness but truthful
resolve. The spirit of genuine sincerity is felt. It
cannot be intellectualized. Yet it can be displayed
through consistent seeking of conscious contact with God
that translates to a will for relationship that leads to
beautiful behaviors. The deep philosophical and
experiential truths that the 12 steps of alcoholics
anonymous reveal to a couple that seek healing and love
not only for the self but for the other is a miracle that
I pray all mankind experience.
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