 I want to stop hurting my
fiancee! - Frustrated
My fiancee of 3 years and myself are on rocky ground.
I never mention other women around her or comment how
good someone looks because I am truly and only interested
in her. But she has a twin sister and they are always
talking about other guys and how cute they are and
sometimes how cute their butts are. We are both 32 years
old and I think that is immature to act that way. I've
now become very jealous of her because of her past
relationships and hurt her verbally because of these
relationships. She is divorced with a 8 year old son and
we own a home together. This has gone on long enough. I
know the problem is mine and I need suggestions to stop
the jealousy. Help!!!!
 From: Susan
Yes, men can be co-dependants too !!! I don't
particularly think it is "immature" to comment
about the opposite gender. If it was - most men would
still be in the fetus stage !!!! They know that talking
to each other is "safe" and hopefully are not
making this remarks to hurt you or embarrass the
"object" of their scrutiny. How about just
seeing it as a healthy expression of their female
sexuality. Your jealousy might be caused by insecurity or
fear of abandonment. These are the hallmarks of
co-dependency. So far you seem to be handling it
internally. Have you discussed with your SO how much this
hurts/frightens you???
Please, get a couple of books about co-dependence and
read them, see how much of the "profile" fits
your internal feelings. There are 12 Step groups, support
groups and therapists who can also help you understand
the fear that is motivating your jealousy. For the sake
of your relationship, which you seem to indicate is
basically stable and satisfying, do a little research. If
she is as committed to the relationship, I doubt she will
have a problem with therapy, or even couples therapy.
Hang in there, just try to understand your motivations a
bit better.
From: Frustrated
Hi all, I've left my Fiancee. Our relationship turned
into physical push and shove. Our problems started about
2 years ago when her twin sister started to intentionally
started to come into contact with my fiancee's 'old
flames' just to find out what they are up to. This
wouldn't be so bad if she didn't have to turn it into
some kind of game and expect favors from my fiancee's old
flames. My fiancee and her sister would joke around and
say maybe they should provide these favors or services
because they were 'bought and paid for' (they meant
bought and paid because of the sex she had with them.).
They would kid around about this stuff in front of me. No
wonder I have a low self esteem. My fiancee would say
that I shouldn't make a big deal about this but it
bothered me. My fiancee's sister called an 'old flame'
who was a plumber to check out her furnace even though it
was a new furnace and he didn't even install it. She
thought he would cut her a break. He didn't. There are
other similar examples.
Am I wrong in the way I feel? My fiancee is an
unemployed LPN and I am an engineer. I would work an 8-10
hour day and she would too by cleaning the house, doing
the wash, ironing and all the lawn work. I did noticed
how much work she had done but I also agreed that she
should let me help with some of it. She was compulsive,
she did it all during the day and would not allow me to
do it. She would tell everyone that I was lazy and I
whined and said I claimed I was too tired to do work.
That is not true. I just needed 1/2 hour to relax after
driving through traffic.
I just could not take it any longer. She claimed
physical abuse to her father (not the police because it
isn't true) and her father threatened my life. I guess it
was time to get out and think. I am wrong in my thinking.
I am the bastard that she is making me out to be?
From: someone who cares
I'm sorry to hear about your problem. I think that it
's so immature how your ex and her sister treated you. I
mean, there are times when people would joke around and
teased about things, but if your ex had seen how
uncomfortable you were feeling about the whole situation,
she should have talked to her sister instead of going
along with the whole scenario. This is where respect
comes from. You sound like a real good person and I'm
sorry that you have been taken for granted. I can
understand the fact about taking a relaxation time when
you get home (we all need that, although I've never given
myself a chance to do that since I was always trying to
satisfy my husband then). I think you did the right thing
by leaving her, because if you're unhappy now, you'll be
a lot more unhappier later.
From: Frustrated
Hi All, If you have been reading, you must know that I
have left my fiancee of 3 years. We are both 32 years
old, we had a beautiful home and an 8 year old son from
her previous marriage. I left her because of her constant
immaturity and her repeated inability to recognise that
it bothered me. She was an unemployed LPN that refused to
'take a break' by doing all the house and lawn work
during the day only to resent my desk job when I came
home. I never had the chance to take on the 'Man's' role
in the house. Sometimes I couldn't even correct her son.
She said I was being mean to him because he wasn't my
son.
But......We had our good times......the intimacy that
we shared was mutual and we could get intimate with each
other as many times during the week as we wanted without
refusal from the other partner. We were both sexually
satisfied but I know that sex alone doesn't make a
relationship work. I WILL MISS HER, OUR SON AND OUR HOME.
Being away from them I find my security is lost!!!!
LOST!!!!!!!!!
I set and cry for hours wanting to go back to her and
just hold her as tight as I can but I know our life would
be good for a short time but return to all the situations
that I originally left for. My fiancee just would not
listen to me and understand how I felt about issues
concerning my self esteem, raising children and finances.
I find myself crying just thinking about what she is
going through now. I know she loves me and I love her but
we did not have similar ideals and I am trying to accept
that it would never work out between us.
WILL I EVER FORGET THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT HER AND WILL I
EVER LOVE ANOTHER THE WAY I LOVE HER? SHE WAS MY FIRST
REALLY TRUE LOVE AND I BELIEVE THAT I WILL NEVER FIND
ANOTHER THAT IS AS GOOD AS SHE IS IN THE WAYS THAT SHE IS
GOOD IN. I need some words from some friends out there.
From: someone who cares
I know how you feel, I've been there and did exactly
what you're doing now. Sometimes we don't have the
answers to everything, but somehow we just have to learn
how to let go, because hurting is very awful thing to
feel. Letting go helps us, it's scary, but we have to not
only try to let go, but to find ourselves again, why?
because having someone to love and for them to love you
back is something you get used to, and being alone all
over again is also something we have to get used to, for
it is good for us,( to find yourself) it gives you the
ability to search your soul. I know it takes time, but
things will work out for the best. Time give us the
reality check on our lives. Just remember, no one is at
fault, there's always a good reason for our mishaps. Take
Care and Smile (it'll do wonders for you! )
From: Kim
Dear Frustrated, My heart breaks for you right now. I
know exactly how you feel (at least my take on it). When
my husband of 13 years and I split up, I thought I'd die.
I was then in a 2 year "secret" relationship,
and when he broke it off with me I would have done almost
anything or be most anyone to have that *security* back.
Now my relationship of 10 mos (and we were talking
marriage at Christmas) is over and I'm hurting so bad.
But, I guess when you know that this pain will eventually
soften, you remember to just get through each day and not
waste the day. God sees us through everything we can
throw at him. He takes our crap and uses it for our best.
I don't think he brings it to us, but if we let him,
he'll bless us by turning it into a blessing.
Keep coming back here for support. You'll find by
reading the other posts that many others know your pain
and are in different stages of recovery. My thoughts are
with you. Try and just be gentle with yourself and as
Bernd/Lynda say, listen to your inner-voice. I'm trying
to and even if I make a mistake, at least I know it was
MINE and not because I listened to someone else.
From: wolfie
It sounds as if you took a stand for yourself and
removed yourself from an abusive situation. Give yourself
some credit - that is a PLUS towards your self-esteem.
Continue on your journey improving your self-esteem.
Affirm every day your truth - I am a beautiful soul, I
love me, I accept me, I respect me, I trust me. Say it
with Feeling - everyday - until you believe in your heart
that you are these things - and you deserve all that is
wonderful! I bet as you grow in your self love, your
feelings for your ex fiancé will start to diminish.
Eventually, you will attract another like-minded soul.
Like attracts like. Anyway, it sounds to me that you did
the Right thing ( the most loving thing for yourself and
others - the highest choice for all) But only you know.
Listen to the inner voice within...........it guides you
always.
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