 |
 How can I trust again? -
Hurting1
I recently found some notes and cards hidden in one of
my wife's (I'll call her J. ) dresser drawers. One was a
very romantic love poem that she had written to another
man (D.) and there were several cards (birthday, friend,
valentine) from D. D. was a long time friend of J's and
we had been over to their house and had dinner with he
and his wife on several occasions. After confirming
through an J's best friend that she was having an affair
with D. After confronting J with this information, she
told me that this relationship had been going on for
about 18 months. It began when a mutual friend of J's and
D's died expectedly in an accident. The three of them had
worked together and when their friend was killed
evidently they began sharing their feeling with one
another and began talking openly of their mutual
attraction. J and I are both 31 and have been married for
seven wonderful years. We have 2 boys ages 6 and 3. D.
and his wife have been married for 16 years. The are both
in their late 30's and have 2 teenage daughters.
When D. took a new job that required him to be out of
town four days a week and J. took a new job here. They
began to meet secretly at a Ramada Inn. This went on for
about 8 months until in late March they met for the last
time and she broke off the relationship. They have
remained friends since that time. J. was very remorseful
and distraught and has vowed that this has never happen
before and will never happen again. She has promised that
she will never have any further contact with D. I spoke
with him (he called her cell phone while we were
discussing this) and he also agreed not to try to contact
J. again. We have had our first session with a
counsellor, but I am struggling so with anger and
suspicion and jealousy.
Should I call D's wife and make sure that D. told her
as he agreed to? I would hate for her to find out the way
I did. I feel like all of the cards that J. sent me and
the things she said over the last year have been
corrupted. How could she mean the loving, nice things she
wrote when she was having a sexual affair with another
man? I want to trust her again, because I believe that
she is sincerely sorry, but I am so suspicious. I want to
know where she is every minute. I want to know who she is
talking to and when. I have been listening to here voice
mail and checking the numbers called from here phone. And
yet it doesn't make anything easier. I seem to have this
intense curiosity to know everything that they did, said,
wrote, etc. This seems sick to me. Has anyone else felt
that way? I love my wife and want to keep my family
intact. What can I do? Who should I tell? She doesn't
want anyone to know - not her family, my family,
minister, friends. But, I need someone to talk to about
this. What should I do?
 From: Amberle
I can answer you on one point: I felt the same way you
did about wanted to know all the "gory details"
when my boyfriend became attracted to another woman. I
tortured myself every day; this seemed constant. What did
she say, what did he say, did he touch her, blah blah ad
infinitum. (He says he didn't cheat and I believe him.) I
think if J. wants to truly put this behind you she should
answer all of your questions with patience. I think the
more you know, the less you have to fear. Be strong and
good luck!
From: mzet
What you are going through is perfectly normal. You
are very lucky in that your wife seems to still love you
and that she has made a commitment back to your
relationship. That is a very good start and should give
you great hope....Some of us can't go that far....
However, I know you don't want to hear this, but healing
will take a looong time. And it needs to start with you.
I know it doesn't sound fair, she started the affair, but
it is up to you to begin the changes in yourself.
I too had this incredible curiosity, almost morbid, to
know every single detail of my wife's affair. I spied on
her, looked through her email, etc., etc. Obviously, you
need to stop this because there is NOTHING you can do
about her changing other than changing yourself so that
she has the space within which to figure out herself. You
need to let go 100%. But that is not easy. It requires a
lot of discipline and love. It is your letting go that
will allow her to change, as paradoxical as that may
sound.
It is also normal for her not to want anyone to know.
And you absolutely need to respect that. However, you can
talk to a therapist, and I would suggest that in addition
to joint counselling, you go by yourself. A therapist is
an independent and confidential third party you can talk
to. This forum is also very helpful. You will find that
Bernd's and Lynda's advice is right on and honest. I
would also suggest you talk to yourself by writing on a
journal.
I also want to let you know that you should get ready
for the possibility that your wife may take longer than
you think (and she thinks) to stop seeing the lover so
that if you do find out or she tells you, you are not
crushed once again. Read some of the postings by Bernd
and by me. They may also help you. I have been going
through hell for several months and perhaps you will find
some comfort in my words, I don't know. Take care.
From: Bernd
All the crazy feelings, the anxiety and everything
else is perfectly normal. Your body, mind, and heart are
in shock. An affair brings out our deepest fears of being
abandoned, of "not being good enough anymore",
of being unlovable. It shakes our trust and belief in
OURSELVES to the core.
I'd recommend using the search tools available for
this forum, and the forum archives, and searching for the
word "affair", then reading any postings that
have that word in them. They'll give you a lot of
comments and insights found in previous postings here.
Also, check out the Relationship Resources page, and all
the links about relationships and/or affairs. There's a
lot of good info out there. It will help you feel less
alone and lost.
The curiosity is natural. I think it's partially
driven by a need to somehow fit all the puzzle pieces
together, so we can see what the "other person"
has that we don't have, and find some ways to give those
to our partner, to reduce the chances of the affair
continuing, or happening again. We also hate and fear the
unknown. My thoughts on this is, the safer your wife
feels doing so, the more likely she is to talk about what
happened. If you react with "how could you?" or
hurt whenever she says something painful, she's going to
come to the conclusion pretty quickly that telling you
what you want to know is very risky for her, and you.
Maybe make a pact with yourself: when you are ready and
able to listen to the truth with calmness and
non-judgement, at that point you'll ask her to talk and
answer whatever questions you have, giving her the right
to answer or not answer what she chooses (you can't force
her anyway, right?). If you make getting the inner
calmness you need your goal , it will let you hang on to
your desire to know, while giving yourself a goal that
will help you in immeasurable other ways as well. The
risks of pressing for answers now is that it adds another
battle to the fray, which can become a powerful
distraction from the issues you MOST need to work on with
each other. But after saying all that, allow yourself to
learn as you go. If you find yourself pressing her for
answers, don't beat yourself up after doing so. I think
EVERYONE does this "post-affair" stage by the
seat of their pants; none of us have been adequately
prepared to cope with it.
As far as keeping the affair hush-hush, there's many
schools of thought on this. My thoughts is that I have no
right hanging up other people's laundry, including my
spouse's, and doing so is counter productive. However,
keeping secrets that affect ME can also be harmful to me.
What I did is tell people (and I told a lot) that I was
coping with marriage problems, and that I was struggling
with dealing with Lynda's affair. Let's face it - just
about EVERYONE knows sooner or later anyway, just by the
grapevine, even without me saying so much as boo. So not
talking about MY feelings and thoughts helps keep a
conspiracy of silence going, where everyone close to the
situation pretends not to know either. I didn't broadcast
it, but when someone asked how I was doing, I told them,
and if they were willing to let me bend their ear, I did.
I needed those outside viewpoints and places where I
could talk about MY feelings, thoughts and struggles over
what was happening. Later, I found a support group which
gave me an even healthier place to do this.
I'm just going to give you a little perspective here.
I've had 3 affairs, Lynda's had one. All hell broke loose
in our 13th year of marriage, and we split a couple of
times. All seemed lost, but little by little we rebuilt.
What we had before was a straw house that was painted to
look as if it was brick. I'm GLAD it came down. I'm
grateful now that her affair happened. Now we're building
a brick home, and it's solid. We had to start from
scratch again, and the ruins that we were standing in
before we laid the first new brick were pretty
discouraging, many times. But we're really very ordinary
people, and that's the neat thing. If WE can do it,
there's gotta be a lot of hope for everyone else. That's
our hope and best guess.:) Good luck, and hang in there.
From: kim
Hurting - I am so sorry for the pain you are suffering
right now. Just remember though, that as crazy as you may
feel and perhaps out of control, this will get somewhat
easier with time. I have had a similar experience and it
just about killed me, but I survived and am a stronger,
more caring individual because of it.
You need to take care of yourself emotionally and
legally, because I will tell you from experience, she is
not going to. She is and has been in her own little world
for 18 mos. Take care of yourself so that you are strong
and then you will be able to be there for your children.
Take it one day at a time and find a support group and
keep coming back here. I'll be thinking of you. Big hug
and understanding smile.
From: Hurting1
J. and I are continuing in counselling and I have been
able to begin re-establishing our relationship. We have
been together almost every minute for a week now since I
found out about her affair. Today is the first day that I
have been able to work. I find that in this week, I have
gone from not wanting to touch her or be touched, to
wanting to be touching all the time and wanting to have
sex with her frequently. We have had sex five time is the
last three days and the experiences have run the gamut.
The first time I was very tentative and fearful, but
fulfilling because I was able to re-connect with her. The
next morning, I began being very aroused, but was unable
to complete. This was devastatingly painful for me as I
have never had a problem performing before. I just kept
thinking of HIM doing this to her. I have never had
another partner before, although J. had four or five
before we began dating in college. Feelings of inadequacy
as a lover keep assaulting my mind. I wonder if HE was
doing something or giving her something I'm unable to.
This was followed by two very mutually fulfilling and
satisfying encounters and I was feeling much better about
things until last night. I put the children to bed and
joined her in bed about 10:40. I caressed her and we
kissed for a long while, but as I began making my move
(knowing she was aroused and physically ready), she asked
me, "So you want to have sex?". I thought it
was fairly obvious. :) She was tired but after discussing
it for a few minutes she agreed to go ahead. I didn't
think I could retract my statement at this point without
causing further problems.
Well, we went ahead and had sex. She was very pleased
and excited, but I was thinking the whole time and just
couldn't get into it. After - we talked and I tried to
explain to her my feelings - how I wanted her to have sex
with me because she wanted me - not because she wanted to
be kind, or even because she wanted to please me.
Am I being to particular about this? I want it to be
right and I need this part of our relationship greatly.
What can I do to keep from feeling like she and the other
guy are looking over my shoulder critiquing my
performance. How can I dump these feelings that I am not
measuring up and get back to normal, natural, unthinking,
enjoyable sex?
J. says that she has always been pleased with our
physical relationship and that was not a factor in her
affair - her emotional needs were. But, how could this
guy have filled her emotional needs to a fraction of the
extent I was/am? He was out of town - they spoke over the
telephone, an occasional email and then a few hours two
or three time a month at a hotel. How does that fulfil
any emotional needs? And, she can't seem to explain what
emotional needs he was meeting. I want to supply all of
her needs, but how can I unless I know what they are?
Does anyone have and thoughts or explanations about
any of this?
From: Bernd
The periods of great sex after an affair - as well as
the crushing downers mixed in among them - is quite
common. We want so much to put the pain, anguish and
confusion behind us - but our bodies don't work that way.
It's like trying to mend a broken leg by willpower. We
need to give our bodies and souls the time they need to
heal, whatever time they need. You can accept the
confusion and doubts - and the heart-lifting rushes - all
as normal parts of the long healing process.
It's my belief that none of us can meet all the
emotional needs - or even most of them - of another
person, including our partner. Trying to do so sets us up
for definite failure, and the feelings of failure drag us
down even further. In good healthy relationships, this
"truth" is accepted as okay, and normal, and no
reflection on either partner. In healthy relationships,
the partners learn to talk (mostly by simple practice)
honestly about their needs, and each supports the other's
efforts to find healthy ways of getting those needs met.
For example, I don't have much patience shopping for
clothes, but my wife loves that activity. So going out
with other friends who enjoy shopping is good for her. I
use that time to do things that I like that she isn't
especially fond of doing.
The best safeguard we have against another affair
happening (for example, if there's something she likes
doing with male friends) is that we both support each
other's desire to get the MOST out of everything we do -
together or apart. An affair has a pricetag that robs
each of us out of "getting the most". It's like
settling for the quick high of a shot of cocaine, instead
of the even better natural high of a sunny play-filled
day at the beach. We've "settled" for too many
quick-fixes that kicked us in the ass later. Our life is
too short to keep doing that. We want the most out of
life.
As far as struggling with thoughts and fears where the
"other guy" enters your thoughts, give yourself
time. Your wife and you have a long rebuilding process
ahead of you, and if you let that rebuilding process help
heal you and show you important truths about love, the
"other guy" thoughts will fade away on their
own over time. Give yourself permission to have these
thoughts and fears, and talk openly and as gently to your
wife as you can about these periods, while trying to keep
the focus on just sharing, without asking or expecting
her to help you "fix them". (When and if you do
share such things with your wife, it's very important
that her listening be voluntary - of her own free choice.
Imposing this type of sharing on her without her free
consent will backfire on you, and make communication even
more difficult. Sometimes she'll be able to listen,
sometimes it will be too painful. Respect her choices.)
Remember, the healing process is still in its very
early stages for you. A broken heart takes more time to
mend than a broken leg, but the healing process is very
similar in many ways. You need to take care of yourself,
don't try to force the healing, and give it the time it
needs. It WILL heal.) That's all my thoughts for now.
Keep hanging in there!
From: mzet
First, let me say that what I write is only my
opinion, based on what my experience has been. Take what
sounds OK to you. Dump the rest. I want to echo what
Bernd wrote: Give yourself time. Don't rush! I know it's
so hard to take, you just feel like it's time to get on
and fix things, and you are so ready to do it. Believe
me, it takes time, a looong time.
My wife and I also had incredible sex for about four
to six weeks after the affair was brought to the open. I
never had the particular problems you describe, but I do
remember that there were some pretty big downers after
sex, particularly for her. In fact, so much so that we
haven't had sex for about five or six months.
It is OK to "imagine" all the nasty details.
What helped me was recognizing and internalizing in my
heart that my wife's body is not mine, it's her body. It
belongs to her and it's controlled by her will, not mine.
In a sense, it was "lent" to me for a few
years, and now that it has been shared with someone else
does not diminish the value of what we had or have now.
You are so early on the healing process that there is
no way that she can begin to figure out what kinds of
needs her lover was meeting, let alone communicate those
to you. She first needs to get over the lover and learn
how to "unlove" him. That in itself takes time.
It is only in the past about month and a half that my
wife has been able to begin to reflect on what happened
and why, and only after I was able to heal myself FIRST,
partly because now she feels she can think and talk to me
(a little bit at least) without feeling judged or
lectured. Again, give her time and space to deal with
this. Don't rush her.
You can't supply all of her needs (neither can she do
it for you, Bernd is 100% right, as usual) Part of the
healing process is to "discover" that, and to
find healthy ways in which both of you can have all your
needs met. I know you want to, I did too, but you can't,
unless you were God :) and we are not! What you can do is
begin to meaningfully communicate what those needs are,
but again, it's, I think, way too early in the process.
Bernd and Lynda took two years. I am a year into her
affair and about seven months since the whole thing blew
up, and about a month since she has really started to try
to work on the marriage again (we are not counting
anymore!)
Time and space have nothing to do with meeting needs.
Intensity does. That's why a little time goes so far.
That's why internet affairs can happen.... A final note
on sex. Others may experience this differently, but I
have found that sex is usually the tip of a pyramid and
that everything under it needs to be solid so that the
tip does not erode or crumble or topple. You can't have
great sex consistently unless the relationship is working
well and healed. Again, you need more time. Don't rush
it. Take care.
From: Hurting1
I want to thank all you for the advice and reassurance
that your replies have given - especially Bernd and mzet.
I'm dealing with my anger, fear, and hurt feelings day by
day - it has been about 11 days now since I discovered
J.'s affair. We've been together so much in that time,
and talked about so many things, and been close in every
way. I'm just so afraid that I can't maintain the
openness and closeness and reassurance of my love that
she seems to need to much. I feel like I must behave in a
calm and controlled way in order to not upset her.
I fear that as things begin to normalize, she will
feel the same needs aren't being met that led her into
this affair in the first place. She has always been very
concerned (I've thought overly so) about what other
people think about her. She has a need for admiration
from these people that I can't really understand. We
barely know most of these people - why does she care so
much about what they think of her?
She seems to think it all goes back to growing up with
a father that was verbally abusive - manic depressive.
She has always been a over-achiever - head cheerleader,
homecoming queen, excellent in sports and school and yet
her parents never recognized her achievements because as
they explain it - they were afraid it would hurt the
feelings of her siblings that weren't as successful. She
has terrible resentment and anger for her father and yet
won't confront him about it or deal with it. She started
counselling a few years ago to deal with it - it was
affecting our relationship at the time. But when they
advised her to write a letter to her father and explain
her anger and resentment to him, she couldn't do it and
stopped counselling.
She often says things like, "I'll never be like
my father." or "I don't want to be like my
father." I feel like this unresolved anger and
desire for recognition and admiration is somehow involved
in getting her involved in this relationship outside our
marriage. ( A little history - a few months before her
affair started, she lost 30 pounds, cut her hair off,
started tanning regularly, bought a new car, and got a
new job. She wants to get breast implants, too. )
She thinks that it is too early to start working on
pre-existing problems in our marriage or in ourselves,
but I seem to want to be always working on a solution or
an answer. Maybe it keeps me from thinking too much. I
don't know. I though I was meeting her needs before. She
can't tell me what to do - she just wants me to be
INSPIRED by her!
From: mzet
It's way way way too too too early in the healing
process to even begin to think about what you are trying
to answer. Your wife doesn't even know what the questions
are!!!! You need to let go! Give her space!
In my own case my wife did need my love, but NOT the
same kind of love I was used to giving. It took me SIX
months to figure that out! Use the time now to deal with
yourself and your feelings and to learn about what love
really is. Then, you'll need time to absorb and
"live" what you have learned. You may, but I am
not sure, be giving your wife the same kind of love you
gave her before....Are you sure that's what she needs?
How do you know? How does she know? You do NEED to not
only behave but BELIEVE that to remain calm, controlled
and collected is the right thing to do, not for her, but
for YOU. If you are doing it for her, to earn her back,
in my opinion, you'll be making a mistake.It's control.
Like Bernd says, paradoxically, you have to be very
selfish now. Do things for yourself.
It's way toooooo early to think about what will happen
once things get normalized. Give yourself more time. Stop
thinking about what's gonna happen six months from now.
Take one day at a time. One day at a time. Your fears
about what led her to have the affair are understandable,
but SHE, NOT YOU, need to formulate and answer the
questions. GIVE HER SPACE. Let her figure it out at her
own pace.
My wife also went though a period of re-discovery in
terms of her body, her sexuality, her physical
appearance, etc. I think it had to do with recognizing
that her "mothering" stage was over and that
now she had to figure out what she wanted to do with
herself. She also got breast implant, which look great,
by the way :) I agree with your wife: If she's telling
you it's way too early to look at pre-existing problems
in your marriage, she is right. Give her time. And give
yourself time too, you have a lot to learn about
yourself. I highly recommend reading Scott Peck's The
Road Less Travelled. From there you can branch out into
other books.
And keep a journal. A journal has been important to me
because is is the place I do all of my rational thinking
without imposing on my wife, who just doesn't want nor
need to listen to that stuff. You seem to have that same
type of rational mind that I have. The journaling helped
on that. In addition, I can vent the most horrible
thoughts and fantasies in it too, so I guess the journal
becomes your extremes. And somewhere in between, you find
the truth about yourself. And that has been the most
rewarding thing about this whole mess left from the
affair.
I kept nagging my wife, in very nice ways and for
month, to tell me what her needs were. I got nowhere. The
movement really started when I stopped asking her. I know
it sounds strange, but that is the truth. You need to
leave her alone. She'll eventually open up and she'll let
you know when she is ready.
I read in between the lines something I had problems
with. It has to do with a certain sense of guilt that I
felt, that I wasn't doing enough, that I was the reason
for my wife's affair, that I wasn't meeting her needs,
etc. Don't kick yourself anymore than she has already! It
was NOT your fault. It was not your decision but hers.
You need to get that weight off your back, though it is
not easy at times. To the extent that you do that, which
is part of letting go, you'll be more calm and collected.
That and only that is the key to the healing process, NOT
what you do. Remember that many times what you do
directly can be interpreted as control, even if you don't
mean it in that way (though I have found that if I look
deep down inside, there is always some truth to that,
that many times our actions are intended to control and
create dependency)
There was a point during my healing process that I
finally started asking why the hell I NEEDED my wife so
much. I realized I was so dependent on her, I mean, my
whole happiness depended on another human being! I know
it sounds paradoxical, but it wasn't until I began to
recognize this and actually letting go to the point of
being happy without her that she felt she had the space
to start her own healing process.
Finally, this process is painful. At least it has been
for me. Try to figure out what that pain is telling you
about yourself. Her affair does not cause the pain. It
just triggers it, like Bernd, I think, says. The cause of
the pain is inside of you. Anyway, remember that these
are only my guesses about my own mess. Your answers may
be different. That's OK. Take care.
From: Bernd
"I'm just so afraid that I can't maintain the
openness and closeness and reassurance of my love that
she seems to need to much. I feel like I must behave in a
calm and controlled way in order to not upset her.
" I suspect that the calm and controlled approach is
something you're used to, and have probably instinctively
done throughout your marriage. I can identify. But it's
counterproductive in the long run - as evidenced by J.'s
affair. Being aware that you "take care of her
feelings" in this way is the first step to finding
healthier ways of being supportive. Being true to YOUR
feelings is a very important part of being honest with
J., and as painful as such honesty feels for both of you,
it's a very important step in rebuilding your
relationship. I'd suggest talking about this issue more
with others, and with J. when she's willing. Look for
clues as to why you do it, and why she needs you do be
calm and controlled. Don't focus on changing it, or try
to find solutions. That puts pressure on both of you.
Just talk about it, and let the solutions come to you on
their own - and they will. Keep talking, and talking. 11
days is but a blink of an eye. Can you be comfortable
with letting this process take you a period of years? If
you can, it really helps you focus on a day at a time,
and let go of some of your need to have things fixed
right away.
There's no way you can have any accurate idea of how
J. will feel tomorrow, or any time in the future, about
ANYTHING. You can rob yourself of time today trying to
guess the future, but J. will be who she is, and feel
what she does tomorrow, regardless of all your best
attempts to try and make the future pan out the way you
want. Give her the freedom to find her own way, and make
whatever choices are best for her. Such freedom is one of
the most powerful bonds I know of.
Her family history certainly has left a major imprint
on her, and has definitely affected how she views
herself, you, and the rest of the world. It's unfortunate
that her earlier therapist tried to get her to do
something she didn't feel ready for. It makes it harder
for her to trust that therapy will help her. Have you
considered therapy yourself? It could help you gain some
valuable insight in YOUR reactions to her struggles, and
see more clearly which ones are counterproductive, and
which ones are truly supportive. My guess is that if it
resulted in some real healing by you, it would be a real
encouragement for HER to risk therapy again herself.
On that note, I'd like to repeat something I alluded
to in another post. Therapists are as imperfect as we
are; they're just armed with a bunch more education, and
experience. I went thru 4 therapists before I found one I
really feel comfortable with, but even my present
therapist has difficulty with some of my issues at times.
I treat him as a trusted and supportive friend, and
accepting that he is imperfect helps me to keep things in
balance, and not expect him to be my Higher Power. When I
disagree with something he says, I let him know, and work
with him to find doorways that promote my healing. I've
had other therapists that would argue persuasively that
they were right, and I was mistaken, when I disagreed
with them. I avoid such therapists like the plague now;
the amount of control they try to exert over my recovery
isn't healthy for me.
The changes your wife went thru before the affair are
actually quite common. When we feel ourselves slipping
inside, we try all sorts of things to try to fix the way
we feel about ourselves.
"She thinks that it is too early to start
working on pre-existing problems in our marriage or in
ourselves." Respect her thoughts and feelings
on this. You can do a lot just on your own - your own
searching, healing, and learning. Lynda resisted any type
of outside help for the longest while, and it's a good
thing that she did too, because otherwise I would have
never learned the value of letting go, of loving
detachment, of giving her the freedom to find her own
way. How do you feel when someone tries to get YOU to do
something you don't want to, or don't feel ready for? As
much as we can rationalize that such pushing helped us at
times, inside we almost always feel resentment and
rebellion. When someone else tries to steer our car for
us, we don't learn to drive safely on our own. Simply by
working on your half, your marriage can show a 50%
improvement without her doing ANYTHING new. And trust me,
50% was a HUGE improvement in our marriage. Let your
example help her, like planting seeds. And don't tug at
the roots or the stems, because flowers won't blossom any
faster by tugging at them. Watch the natural changes in
her as they happen, and celebrate each one that brings
her a bit more healing.
I've babbled on long enough.:) Those are my thoughts
and guesses for today.
From: mzet
Bernd, as usual, is right, and I want to offer you
some encouragement on the issue of freedom. It sounds so
paradoxical, but IT WORKS! I finally,after months of
struggle, from the bottom of my heart, was able to give
my wife the freedom to make her own choices about herself
without her having to worry about how I would feel. In
other words, if she would chose to see her lover, I
wouldn't make a big stink about it. And it was not that I
repressed the anger, or that I didn't give a damn about
it, but that I genuinely did not mind. It hurt, but it
was not an anguishing kind of a hurt. It's hard to
describe.
I also remind her all regularly of something Bernd
said here, I think (sometimes I don't know what is
"me" and what is what I have read here):
"I don't need you to be who I want you to be".
I don't just say it, I really mean it. And it makes such
a huge difference in our relationship. That was a
critical fork on the road for us. That freedom I was
ready and able to give to her (and to me), I am
convinced, will be the bond that MAY save our marriage.
"MAY", because we never know... When you're
ready to be joyous and happy and content, regardless of
what the outcome is, you'll be on the way to Freedom.
Take care, again.
From: Bernd
You know the paradox in "I don't need you to be
who I want you to be"? When we embrace this, we find
that our partner becomes the kind of person we MOST
wanted them to be - but never realized we wanted it most:
free, healing, on their way to more happiness, and peace
inside, and more loving (because they are learning how to
love themselves more). They are ironically becoming the
type of person we need and want most in our lives. Crazy,
ain't it?:)
From: mzet
It is crazy :-0 But we just take so loooong to get
there; and why do we have to wait for the pain of an
affair and its aftermath to "get it"? You see,
I get it, but I don't :-| Bernd, FYI, my wife and I
continue to make some progress, an inch at a time, a day
at a time. We're still miles apart, but the cool thing is
that it is almost like getting to know each other all
over again. Strange, heh?
From: Hurting1
Mzet, you are right on target about my own guilt about
not doing enough and somehow causing this. I guess that I
need to find a cause for this somewhere. But, it seems
like the books I have read imply that this is the cause
of infidelity in the first place - one or both partners
not meeting the needs of the other. ( His Needs, Her Need
- Building an Affair-proof Marriage, Mars & Venus In
The Bedroom, The Intimate Marriage) I did buy "The
Road Less Travelled" yesterday, but haven't started
it yet.
I guess that I feel so lost, because I thought that I
WAS meeting her needs. There was no reason for her to
have an affair! And she can't seem to tell me how I
wasn't meeting her needs that might have caused this. I
was doing all of the things that she thought I should -
cards, flowers, note, calls, restaurants, symphony,
trips, etc. but she questioned my motives for doing them.
She thinks that I did those things not because I wanted
to, but because I thought she wanted me to. And she is
partially right - I did things that I thought would
please her. Am I missing something here? I didn't/don't ?
think that doing something just to please your mate was a
wrong motive.
I always thought that we had a great marriage and
friendship. I HAVE been after her just as you said to
tell me what her needs are. I think that I know - I
thought that I knew before - but I'm so uncertain.
I NOW realize how lucky I have always been throughout
my life. I have lived such a blessed life - it just makes
this trial that much harder. Things have always come
easily for me. School was easy. I was a national merit
scholar without cracking a book. Had my choice of
schools. CLEPed out of my freshman year of college.
Sports came easily. I played high school football well
and threw the discus. In college I was NAIA District
champion in the hammer throw for two years. I've never
had to interview for a job. People have always sought me
out. Even my wife pursued me until we began dating in
college and eventually married. I guess I'm now coming to
realize that I've wasted time and chances. I've hung back
and let things come to me. I haven't been actively
pursuing challenges in life - instead I fooled myself
into thinking that nothing could go wrong - that I led a
charmed life.
Everyone (including my wife and I) had always
considered us a perfect match - soulmates. We share
strong religious convictions about adultery and divorce.
How could she sit in church on Sunday knowing what she
was doing behind my back but right in front of God!? I
still don't understand what brought this to pass. It just
feels like an unending bad dream.
Here I sit at work... I'm supposed to be designing
trading software for securities firms, but all I can do
is look out the window and think over the events of the
past 18 months and wonder. Either my wife is one of the
greatest actresses ever born or she has no conscience..or
something... I don't know what.
I don't understand how to just let this go. You say
that I must work on myself but I can't help resenting it.
I haven't done anything wrong! This is not my fault. And
yet here I've spend almost two weeks in HELL! Sorry, I
know this sounds like whining. I've always hating whining
and here I am.
It does seem to help to put my thought down here where
no one knows me. It seems to help keep me from saying
some of the meaner and more damaging things to my wife.
I'm trying very hard not to say or do anything that might
break whatever progress we have made over the past two
weeks. But I just can't keep it all in either. The
counsellor helps some. Lifting weights, having sex,
working in the yard, reading, being with the kids, going
to the beach - a lot of things help some but none for
very long.
I'm taking her on a week long cruise to the Bahamas
last week in July. Maybe the time together without the
kids will bring us closer together and closer to an
understanding. In a lot of ways, I don't even want to
think about her infidelity - it would be so much easier
to just ignore or forget it and try to have a good time
together. Thanks for listening.
From: Someone Who Cares
I feel for you, because it's exactly the way I treated
my SO. What is it with these people? They can't seem to
be satisfied with life!!! It seems like the more you show
and tell them how much you love and care, they take it
for granted. Hang in there. I was you, but I regret to
say, until now I cannot love again. It's taking awhile
because I don't wanna get hurt again. People tell me that
it'll evetually happen when the right man comes along,
but I'm not even looking. I don't wanna fall again
because it'll be unfair to that other.
Don't worry things will surpass. You'll have to let go
for the fact that sometimes things just doesn't go it's
way when we're trying too hard. I was told never to give
a 100% of my love to that special one and I didn't
listen, so it took awhile for me to get over the hurt.
Until now I still regret being with him, that we should
have worked things out, but I know that I would be the
only one (just like you) that will be trying so hard to
work things out, so finally I let go.
Don't worry, it takes time to heal, just try and let
go and concentrate on just YOU. Take Care!
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