 |
 Guidance - Stamford
I have been involved with someone for just a little
over 1 1/2 years. We were great friends for about a year
before we got romantically involved. The year of our
"transition" to a relationship was not an easy
one. For the first few months there was some ambivalence,
some great moments, and some truths hidden. We got along
tremendously well as friends, were seemingly very
compatible but things seemed to change when we became
romantic. For one, I was not ready to commit, and felt a
pressure to do so. Most of my fear centered around trying
to evaluate objectively if I should/wanted to marry this
person. Being that marriage and children are goals for
me, and that I did have a long-term relationship that did
not work out after several years, made me feel that
whoever I committed to "next" would be the man
I marry. I was also concerned about age - I was 29 at the
time.
Needless to say, I felt that I should take a risk and
eventually did commit to him (we are not married or
engaged but it has been a rocky road ever since. Another
part of my reluctance has been that my partner is a very
intense, and sometimes volatile person -- he feels
"emphatically" about most things. His working
world is filled with competition and power. His power and
control issues have been a challenge throughout this
relationship (he however, does not see himself this way)
My concerns are this -- we've had the same patterns
and issues throughout the relationship, have spent three
months in counselling about it, and yet, they still are
there. Even more, my partner recently got so angry over
something I did that was admittedly wrong,(I lied to him)
he pushed me.
I am interested to hear perspectives from others --
Such as your own experiences of living, dating, or being
married to a person similar to this. I am also interested
to hear about what kinds of choices you did or did not
make about staying or leaving a relationship like this.
The thought of leaving this relationship forever
depresses me greatly, (and all the other stuff that goes
with uncoupling..again..etc.) But the thought of pins and
needles forever also depresses me greatly. Any other
perspectives are welcome also -- this hasn't been an easy
time. Thanks.
 From: Susan
HI !!! I am feeling a little down and negative today
so "fair warning", I might be a little more
blunt than usual. My 'gut' reaction is : 1) NEVER accept
physical abuse - there is NO excuse for it - EVER. 2) No
matter if you lied or not - ask yourself why YOU felt the
NEED to lie to him AT ALL. 3) If you already are thinking
of your relationship in terms of "being on pins and
needles" around him - you probably need to sit down
and REALLY think this out. If you are uncomfortable now -
do you reasonably expect it to IMPROVE ?????
Well, sorry, but I have been in physically,
emotionally, and mentally abusive relationships. In my
experience they RARELY improve - yes, they may change -
usually for the worse. You may find that there is
disagreement with that statement, but probably not much.
If you have already been to counselling and this is how
you feel, is more counselling going to help ? This is
also a question you need to think about. I do apologize
for my bluntness, but I really felt that it was a
'supportive' gesture on my part. Whatever you decide, my
prayers and thoughts are with you.
{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}
From: Bernd
Let’s take a look at how the puzzle pieces might
“fit” here (my exploration of relationships
have lead me to believe that most couples are matched in
ways they don’t often realize, much like 2 sides of
the same coin). The way you talk reminds me of the way I
talk - lots of thinking, controlled emotions, and trying
to figure out how the wheel cogs are fitting together. In
other words, my brain is what I rely on most, and I try
not to let my emotions cloud my thinking.
Your partner, on the other hand, is the emotional one
- the other side of the coin. Think of your emotions and
the “rational” side of you as legs. When we
rely more on one or the other to handle struggles, the
less-used one gets weaker. We end up walking with a limp.
Put 2 people together with opposite limps, and you have a
recipe for a lot of stumbling on each other - and a lot
of real hurt in each stumble.
One of the most difficult parts of my own recovery has
been dealing with my difficulties in feeling and
expressing my emotions in ways that are good for me. In
simpler terms, I’ve never really let myself be
“crazy” - in healthy ways. Ironically, right
now my therapy is helping me to think LESS, and feel
more. I thought that would make me less rational, but the
paradox is it’s helped me find solutions to things
that had my mind going in circles before. I’m
happier, and the less circles I’m going thru in my
head, the clearer I can think. Less is more.:)
Three months of counselling, to me, is just beginning
to dip your toes in the water. (I’ve been in
recovery groups and therapy for close to 5 years, and the
first 2-3 years was as frustrating as it was rewarding at
times). Also be aware that different therapists have
different levels of competence in handling relationship
issues - just like there are mechanics who are super at
fixing your car, while others take stabs at what might be
wrong, and replace parts that aren’t really the
source of the problem. Treat your relationship with your
therapist - or any search for therapists - with the same
dedication you would any major decision. Your well-being
IS important.
It’s very normal for a relationship to really get
tough when a commitment is made. The new level of
closeness triggers a whole bunch of subconscious
protective mechanisms inside in both partners. As much as
we crave the closeness, we’re also aware that we
become a lot more vulnerable to emotional hurt the closer
we get. It sets off a yo-yo struggle inside; one minute
we love being close, the next minute we’re jumping
backward to protect ourselves from real pain, or because
we’re afraid we might get hurt. And when we do feel
hurt, we often react with anger instinctively.
I don’t get any reading from you how voluntary
your partner’s involvement in therapy is. If he is a
reluctant participant, it will definitely affect the
progress you make in therapy. And if this is the case,
I’d highly recommend individual therapy in addition,
or as a replacement. If he’s a willing participant,
there are Marriage Encounter Weekends offered in many
areas of North America that provide a very nurturing
place to explore and gets some insights into your
relationship struggles. Finally, I’m very encouraged
by the amount of relationship resources on the net.
Explore as many as you can; there are some real treasures
out there.
Whether you decide to stay in this relationship, or
leave, try to keep in mind that likely 50% of the
struggles come from struggles inside you, that have much
more to do with your relationship with yourself, than
your relationship with him. You can fire the bellboy, but
your luggage still stays behind. (But, as Susan says,
make it clear that physical abuse is unacceptable, and be
as clear as you can about the decisions you need to make
to take care of yourself if it happens, or happens
again).
Our marriage only really began to improve when I made
my main commitment a commitment to myself, not the
relationship. I made a commitment to search for the
truths about love, and to my own inner healing. I wanted
to stop “walking with a limp”. I realized that
Lynda and I were much like opposite sides of the coin,
and that every frustration I felt with her were important
clues to my own healing. That’s worked. Every bit of
healing I do helps me see myself and her in a new light,
and helps me take better care of myself so that I have
more of a nice soft fuzzy shield around me that protects
me far better than my old coat of armor. I’m a
better partner, and Lynda feels safer with me. I no
longer look for any change inside of her. As long as I
keep my focus as much as I can on healing myself, the
relationship seems to take care of itself quite nicely on
it’s own. Hope something here helps a bit.
From: Married Twice
I can only tell you about my personal experiences with
a man very similar to your SO. I have been in
relationship for 20 years with a man who never really
left bruises on my body, but who I constantly felt
"on pins and needles" with and who left me so
emotionally bruised, that I was unable to find the
confidence to get out.
Through good counselling and good friends I have
finally been able to leave the relationship. Especially
if you want to have children, I would recommend that you
not make a permanent commitment to this man unless he
gets some kind of counselling. You deserve better
treatment! Does his family have a history of abuse? My
husband's father was very abusive and that is a very hard
heritage to leave behind. Remember to take care of
yourself! Good luck.
From: Susan
OUCH!!! I was a little more than 'blunt' !!! Ending a
relationship is always difficult, moreso for some of us
than others. I tend to 'shoot from the hip ((lip !!??). I
really have had abusive relationships - not necessarily
physical, but I certainly do know the feeling of being on
'pins and needles'. I am only now realizing that that is
a warning sign for me to do a little "reality"
check. If I am uncomfortable, I need to sit down and
really discover the cause of my discomfort - me or the
other person.
I might have over reacted a little because of the
statement you made that he shoved you "in
anger". To me, that is a clear indication of
possible future physical violence or abuse. Perhaps I
should have slowed down a little to ask what you lied
about. But I still don't think any form of pushing,
shoving, or hitting is acceptable in an adult
relationship. There are other ways to deal with anger.
Have you AND he discussed this incident with the
therapist, as well as each other?
As 'twice married' suggests - once you are in a
marriage with children to consider, it is really very
much harder, should you need to leave. My advise, for
what it's worth, is to re-evaluate what boundaries you
will set for your own physical, emotional and mental
safety. If he cannot stay within those boundaries -
likely you will decide to end the relationship. As
before, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
From: Misty
The following is from your comments, but they could
describe the man I had gone with for the last 6 years. my
partner is a very intense, and sometimes volatile person
-- he feels "emphatically" about most things
Things never got better, and I finally got a restraining
order to keep him away from me. He never hit me. He push,
he shoved, he knocked over tables and torn things off my
walls. He was never able to compromise, and he was always
right.
No one has the right to abuse you in any way, they
have the right to walk away, they have the right to end
the relationship. But they do NOT have the right to abuse
you. I walked on egg shells all the time, until I decided
to take control of my life back from this person. Further
counselling may be the answer, but if it doesn't help
remember to take care of yourself. Lots of Love and Hugs.
From: Stamford
Thanks to all of you who responded to my post. As I
have said before, this doesn't feel like an easy time for
me. I keep thinking of the poem by Robert Frost, The Road
Not Taken, and can't seem to know which road to go that
will make all the difference. I recently read a book
titled, Too Bad To Stay, Too Good To Leave. It's pretty
good, but still didn't give me a final answer. Everything
seems so black and white these days -- trying to figure
out what life would mean if I stayed or left. It feels
pretty scary, especially when faced with the prospect of
starting over again, when I really don't want to at all,
don't even feel I have the energy to, hate the thought of
the five stages of grief, etc..and because I thought of
leaving someone I fell in love with seems entirely
unfair. Sometimes I wonder why some people just seem to
have easier lives than others, or why some people think
more deeply than others. It always appears that those who
do, seem to not be so profoundly affected by life events.
But I guess this is part of what life is about.
|
