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 After an affair - mzet
Lynda and Bernd: Hi. My wife has informed me that she
has not seen her lover in six weeks, that she doesn't
feel the attraction she used to toward him and that she
thinks that it's really over. That's the good news. The
bad news is that she doesn't feel anything for me and
that frustrates her. It frustrates, really, both of us,
because we are so desperate to try to get something going
again, because we think we can't handle the current
situation for much longer, because we feel that maybe the
pain is not worth it. But we still have this nagging
little voice saying "hang in there".
She has tried to be nice to me, to hold my hand, hug
me, etc., but after a while she feels too awkward and
smothered. We do talk in a more relaxed and less
threatening way, compared to six months ago. We go out
every now and then. We are going on a family vacation
next week. We still sleep in the same bed and try to be
nice to one another. But we are miles apart emotionally.
It's like we just don't know each other.
I've told her that these things take time and that it
will require some effort on both of our parts to learn
how to love each other again, and that it will not be
like falling in love again, that it just won't
"happen" that easily. It's as if she wants to
love me but can't make herself love me. I've told her
about this site and about other resources she can get her
hands on if she wants to. I've told her that maybe we
should consider going to therapy together. I've told her
that perhaps we need to try other avenues, such as the
marriage encounter for problem marriages (Retrouville)
rather than not do anything or keep trying the things
that have not worked. I sense she resists those resources
because the do not "speak" to her. I tell her
that there a conclusions to be drawn from other couples
who have successfully survived an affair, but overall,
she is still not wanting to try out other things, perhaps
because they are my ideas....I don't know.
Lynda, did you feel such an emotional distance to
Bernd immediately after the end of your affair that you
just couldn't feel anything for him and couldn't imagine
feeling anything for him? What did you do? In what ways
did Bernd help you AFTER you were done with the affair?
Should I totally back away, give her more space and let
her struggle by herself? If not, in what ways should I be
available? HELP, I don't know how to help her!!! :)
 From: Bernd
Just a few quick thoughts Mzet, I'll write more later,
and so will Lynda.
"It's like we just don't know each other."
I suspect you are just starting to learn about
YOURSELVES, let alone each other. And picture the
metamorphosis a caterpillar goes thru. For a while, it
seems like it doesn't have any real feeling of
"life" (while it's in the cocoon). It's a
necessary part of the metamorphosis, and the only way it
can finally become a butterfly. To be able to be with
oneself is very difficult, but very necessary for healing
and love to grow. When you uproot weeds and plant new
seeds of flowers, all you have for a while is a patch of
dirt. But the seed is growing, and it needs its natural
time to blossom. Don't be afraid of this period. Welcome
it; everything that happens to me (and everything that
doesn't happen) is what I need. I just don't understand
why until later.
"It's as if she wants to love me but can't
make herself love me". She can only love you as
much as she genuinely loves herself. Support her efforts
to learn how to love herself more, and it will radiate
outward back to you without any effort. "I sense
she resists those resources because the do not
"speak" to her". In my case, Lynda
sensed my desperation to "fix things", even tho
she couldn't put a finger on why she was resisting. Once
again, her resistance was EXACTLY what I needed most,
because it forced me to take true responsibility for my
feelings of desperation, and find healthier ways of
healing them.
The "numb" period was a constant struggle
with faith, with trusting my inner voice. I doubted it
big time, and constantly. But it was very necessary,
because eventually I had to face the fact that either I
take those leaps of faith, or stay miserable. Those leaps
are scary when I rely on my "logic" instead of
my inner voice. But my brain just isn't good enough at
seeing the whole picture; besides, it's filled with a lot
of past garbage that really screws up my judgement and
perception. My inner voice doesn't have those problems.:)
The more I focus on my own recovery, the less I
struggle over "letting go". If I'm driving my
own car, the question of letting go of someone else's
steering wheel doesn't come up, because I've got my hands
full already just handling my journey. I don't have to
let go of something unless I've grabbed hold of it.:)
Anyway, I'll give some more thought, and see if anything
else comes to mind. That damn little voice, eh????:)
From: mzet
My desperation comes when I sense that she is asking
me to help her and all I can respond is the things that I
have learned about myself, which are really lived first
and the corroborated and intellectualized. later with
what I read in books and here. When I answer, that's when
I feel her resist. That's why I feel maybe I should
answer by saying "you've got the answers inside of
you, just like I found mine, but you've got to do it
yourself, and I can't help you in that". But just
thinking about saying that sounds so withdrawn. There's
maybe a better way, but I don't know.
Yes, it is that damn little voice, because I sense
that a divorce would be so much easier in the short term,
at least for me. We wonder why the hell we are staying
together if there is no love. I feel, though I may be
wrong, that I am handling my own steering wheel, and that
if she doesn't want to come along for the ride I should
go by myself and maybe she'll eventually buy a car and
meet me somewhere down the line (or maybe she'll hop
along onto somebody else's car. Who knows? It's up to
her, right?) Thanks for your words. I'm still hanging in
there. Take care.
From: Bernd
There IS love, even tho you might not be able to feel
it in the ways you both want, or at the levels you both
want. You mentioned in an earlier post you were seeing
more small examples of love from her. Because you were
LOOKING. Can I make a suggestion? Make a "love"
list. Jot down every example and choice she and you have
made to show ANY amount of love from/to: you to yourself,
you to her, her to you, and her to herself. Look for the
blades of grass, not the oak trees. Even something as
small as "she told a joke that made her laugh"
belongs on the list. Add to the list every time a thought
occurs to you. My guess is you'll need a scribbler, not a
single sheet of paper.
It might help too if you asked for help from your
inner voice, and did some meditation asking it for help,
on a regular basis. You might get surprised.:)
From: Lynda
Hi Mzet, I am happy for your wife's’ 6 week
“sobriety”, I know how difficult it has been
for both of you. Yes, when Bernd and I got back together,
I was “numb” for a long time. Although I wanted
to truly commit to the marriage and ‘’really
try” this time, the very things that had caused us
to be so unhappy before the affairs were still there. I
still held resentment and blame and now I had the weight
of “am I doing the right thing” on my plate. I
was scared that nothing would change and I would
“waste” more years of my life on something that
was not to be. I also had lost the ability to trust, so I
was going on sheer faith and that damn little voice.
In the early months, I was almost void of ANY feelings
except fear and panic.We did a ton of talking and sharing
of feelings and thoughts which helped us to get
aquatinted with each other.....just like you said in your
posting “it’s like we don’t know each
other”....we too didn’t know each other, for so
long we had always been who people *wanted* us to be, so
this was a time of self discovery as well as a time to
find out who each other really was.
Bernd wanted things *fixed*, and suggested marriage
encounters, etc., but I was beginning to have a problem
with always following his suggestions for recovery. It
may sound silly, but to me at the time it felt like to do
these things meant I was the *bad* one and I did such a
good job at kicking myself I sure didn’t want anyone
else doing it for me. In reality, I was looking for a
long time for someone to tell me I was *right*, that I
was being manipulated, that I should leave.As I said, I
had no trust left, especially in myself and my choices.
Of course, I had people tell me these things, but
everytime someone did....guess what??? that voice
again!!! I knew it wasn’t true, that I just wanted
the easy way out, to be rescued from the work and pain I
would have to do to really find the truths.
He let me be, concentrating on his recovery,
continuing to be there when I WAS able to bring up
something that was on my mind, and we gave each other
permission to talk about anything even the painful things
and not ‘’’run away” from the others
reaction to what was said. That alone was VERY powerful
to me...the fact that I could say ANYTHING and not worry
about it being the *wrong* thing. I would always try to
speak out of love for a human being and not out of anger
and it worked good for me. Thru this communication we
became more verbally intimate, and slowly trust in myself
started coming back and I started *feeling* for him...not
the bells and whistles but a deep, caring, soulful
caring. This made me want to further explore myself and
my issues and on my own I started in therapy and on a
search for answers. it was his example that made me *want
what he had* and I haven’t stopped. But I had to
have the space to get to that point on my own, and Bernd
knew I may well never had taken that path, but by pushing
me I would *never* have taken it I think.
I guess what happened with me as far as *falling* in
love with Bernd again, was discovering for myself just
what love was and wasn’t.I had always thought it was
the hormone rush, the doing everything together etc., but
what I have found is it is as simple as acceptance. I
found it to be the most powerful feeling I have
experienced. to be able to truly accept an other human
being as who they are! There are no pretences, no hidden
agendas, just freedom to be who we are. By allowing me to
have this freedom, I want nothing more than to give it
back and it works so well! I have no desire to do
anything to hurt another human being because it just
hurts me in the end.
Keep talking with your wife, let her feel or not feel
what ever she needs to. It is your example and recovery
that will do the most help for her, by her discovering
*she wants what you have*. She may very well not be able
to handle the pain that comes with recovery and decide to
call it quits....but as long as that little voice is
nagging at both of you....hang in there. As a last
note...if your wife ever wants to email me or get
together online and talk and scream about things with a
gal who’s walked in her shoes, I’d be more than
pleased. Big ‘ol soft huggggs to both of you.
From: mzet
Thanks. Your kind words are reassuring in that I feel
I'm making the right choices. I am walking on pure faith
too, but knowing that her feelings seem to be close to
what yours were is helpful, very helpful.
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