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If Only Earlier - Lady
"G"
I've been reading every day, every detail that was
written on all and I wish I had the opportunity to read
and learn more earlier. I've been through similar
mishaps, however back then I felt like I was the only one
going through the unfortunates. If Only Earlier, I
would've had the courage, the mind, the strength to have
stayed with my son's father. I miss the times the
"3" of us spent together as a family, so If
Only Earlier. I thank you though for I feel human after
reading one day and after..... for my heart touched every
day and after.
 From: Susan
Well, you are welcome here NOW. All of us are going
through some misfortune, that's all part of the imperfect
human experience. Those people you see that you think are
not, just have not yet had to experience their growth.
Try not to live in the past, it's done and over and
there's nothing you can do about it. BUT you can live for
today and hope for tomorrow. All of us here are
struggling with the same concept. Welcome, friend ... we
struggle together. {{{{{{{{Lady "G"}}}}}}}}}
From: Lady "G"
Thank you, Susan. I am fully aware that I am still
living in the past, and I know that it's wrong because I
am only hurting myself, but it's hurts so much whenever
my son still wishes his parents were together and
constantly asks us if there'll be a possibility of having
his parents together again.. My feelings for his dad is
the same. I will always love him. I feel it's my fault of
our failed relationship, why? Because I guess what I
thought I can control will never happen and I felt like I
always gave and he just took. I know that I shouldn't
dwell on the past, but I know for a fact that I can never
feel the love I once had. Again, thank you.
From: Bernd
What kind of relationship did you have with him
before, and what kind do you have now (distant, or
non-existent?)? Has he remarried, or been in an ongoing
realtionship? What kind of struggles did you both have
while married? I'm curious, and maybe talking about it
might help generate some insight from inside you, and
from others here. If you feel comfortable talking about
the things I asked. Hang in there.
From: Lady "G"
Well, after reading your day-to-day Guide,I realized
now (which is too late) that my relationship with him
wasn't really all that bad. It seems now that the problem
was me, i.e. comparing our lives with other couples with
envy. Why? I think because I wanted it all and no one is
perfect, everybody struggles with their relationship
somehow. That's why I put the subject as "IF ONLY
EARLIER"......
Unfortunately, we divorced for the second time (yes,
we remarried for we both still felt the same way about
each other along with having a bond which is having a
loving son and also because we've been together since we
were 20 yrs old, we're now turning 37). I'm sure if we
try for the 3rd time, it'll be much better, why do I say
that? Because I'm sure we have learned a lot more from
our separate lives for the 2nd time. This separation is a
lot longer than the first one.
One more unfortunate thing, earlier this year, he
started seeing a young girl (12-13 yrs younger), my son
tells me about "Daddy", and it was to a point
to I had to tell him that when our son is with him (we
have 50/50 custody), he should only devote himself and
spend quality time with our son, because 1 week with my
son is not even enough. He got upset and told me to mind
my own business, well, I told him "my son is my
business, so if you're busy with your social ife, you
should just let me have our son 100%!!!! I told him our
son constantly calls me and tells me to pick him up
because Daddy is too busy with his girlfriend. I guess he
realized because things improved for the fact that my son
told me that he didn't see that girl at Daddy's anymore.
Well, the 3 of us had planned a trip to "Disney
World" last April and we discussed the money involve
and most importantly, I asked him if he was committed
with that girl and he said "no, we're just friends.
Prior to the trip, he called me and asked me if I still
wanted to go to Disney World, I said "yes, of
course, our son is looking forward to it". He then
talked to me that the girl he was seeing is pregnant and
he could be the father, I was hurt. I told him "I
was hoping the 3 of us could be together again as a
family". He then said that he may not be the father,
because his relationship with that girl ended since she
couldn't understand the fact that his time with our son
is valuable and that she couldn't come over when our son
was with him. She got mad and started seeing someone
else. So, now he'll have to get a DNA done, so the
mystery father will not be revealed until she's due,
which is October!!!!
So as you can see, there was a good possibility of us
going back, however, if he's the father then it's
ultimately the end of my feelings for him, but just a
father of my loving son. Thank you for listening.
From: Bernd
Lady G, I’ve tried to get a gut reading on what I
can tell you that might be helpful, and this has been
part of the delay in getting back to you. I don’t
know if I’m going to be much help. What does come
across is that you seem to be in an unwinnable struggle
with a need to blame yourself for what went wrong, and
anger at him. If I’m close, it has a lot more to do
with your struggles with expressing anger over things in
ALL your past, than with what you might have done
“wrong”.
Expressing anger because of him or at him runs the
real risk of pushing him further from you, instead of
bringing him closer. And even tho you’ve divorced
twice, at least he HAS wanted you - which continues
fueling your need for him. When it isn’t safe being
angry AT someone, the most natural thing for us to do is
turn the anger inward, where it shows up as self-beating
(It’s all my fault), and depression (sadness,
hopelessness).
Whatever happened in your marriages, you only had
control of your 50%. You only had control over you. No
matter what you did or didn’t do, my belief is that
your own struggles were matched in every way by
corresponding struggles inside your husband. The
“causes” of the relationship problems came from
the interaction of those struggles; if you have both
wheels on a bicycle missing the same number of spokes -
even if they’re in different places - the bike is
going to be wobbly, and when it crashes, blaming one
wheel or the other doesn’t ring true. Both wheels
contributed equally.
Self-blame also - without us realizing it - is a
safety mechanism we use to put off searching for the real
truths about our part in our relationship struggles. This
search feels terrifying, because we’re scared to
death we may find out it actually WAS all our fault (but
once we do such searching, we find the 50/50 principle
very much at work).
Self-blame is a very hard safety mechanism to let go
of. Because we’re the ones kicking ourselves, we
know exactly how much “kicking” we can take,
and we’re able to control the level of pain we give
ourselves, which acts as a very effective mask for other
pain or struggles we might be feeling. It may take your
husband’s girlfriend’s childbirth - or some
similar event - to rattle this safety mechanism enough to
bring your pain to an intolerable level. On the other
hand, it may not.
I don’t get the feeling yet that you are ready to
reach out for the type of help you need, to do the
serious searching you need to begin true healing from you
past - including your marriages - and from your present
relationship with your ex. This isn’t because you
are weak, or any other negative thing. It’s simply
my acknowledgment of how well self-blame has served you
as a protective mechanism, and how difficult it is for
you - or anyone - to see how much of a hold that coping
mechanism has on your life.
Finally, keep in mind that -because I can’t get
as good as reading as I’d like on your situation -
my guesses above may be as much out in left field as they
are close to the truth. Only you can really tell when
I’ve made a close guess, and where I’m far from
the truth. If you’re willing, I’d be interested
to hear what searching (books, therapy, support groups,
etc.) you’ve explored so far, and what kind of
results (good or bad) you’ve seen from them. I hope
I’ve helped in some small way. And remember, take
what you like and leave the rest.
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