 Scared - Barry
I've been separated now since November '96 after a 12
year relationship/5 years married (I'm 31)... I've been
doing lots of self-development work and feel much better
about myself and my current situation... my problem is
this... I recently slept with a close girlfriend (24) who
is also in a similar situation... she split with her
defacto after a 5 and a 1/2 year relationship around the
same time (her 1st sexually partner btw) we've both been
keeping in touch and going out to the cinema, drinks,
dinner, lunch, etc., talking about ourselves in great
detail with an honesty I've never previously
experienced... she is attractive, tall, long legs, great
personality, confident, outgoing, intelligent and I have
a lot of respect for her ....over the last month or so
we've been becoming more intimate revealing details of
our sexuality etc... on a number of occasions after a
dinner or an outing... we've gone back to my place for
drinks or a snack and she slept over a couple of times
out of convenience...
this Monday she rang me at work and asked me over to
her place for dinner (she's a great cook and has
exquisite taste in clothes and furnishings, etc.)... one
thing led to another and I asked her if it was my
imagination or was there some sort of chemical
gravitational type thing happening between us... I
explained that I was probably way out of order, rusty
when it came to my gut instincts etc... and that I got
the impression that whenever we got close we pushed one
another away (she's not openly affectionate in public,
fairly shy actually) I asked if the feeling was mutual...
and she told me yes... and further more she'd wanted to
sleep with me for the last couple of weeks... I told her
I was scared and that I didn't know why I felt that
way... we talked on into the night about the
ramifications... she explained that she didn't want a
relationship... which I conferred with... we talked some
more and agreed we'd keep 'it' to ourselves and we both
feel we'll still be very good friends no matter what...
all this I can handle...
the main thrust of concern is this... she is a close
friend of my wife's... and she is also the ex of my
wife's ex (who she left for me 12 years ago)... I'm still
good friends with her ex and I guess I'm afraid of the
fallout if either my wife or her ex learn about our
relationship... we both came to the same conclusion
incidentally on why we hadn't acted on our feelings... we
are both concerned about what others will think!! when we
discussed this we simultaneously realised that this
factor alone has been a major stumbling block throughout
both our lives... so... we ended up making love most of
the night and again in the morning... it was so weird...
we both felt so close to one another... like neither of
us had anything to prove... we laughed and cried ... it
was like nothing I've ever experienced before (my wife
and I used to have an excellent sex life btw)
she rang me last night and we're going out to see a
flick and have dinner with some other friends... she
mentioned that she had a smile on her face all day
following our liaison and that she wouldn't be opposed to
it happening again... (except for the fact that her bed
now needs repairing *grin*) as I'm only her second sexual
partner I feel a responsibility to her somehow... she's a
little inhibited and seems reserved... I'm pretty sure
she didn't have an orgasm at any stage thru the night,
etc. but felt that I shouldn't mention it in case it was
something of a problem for her... I want to discuss it
with her before we make love again as I find it hard to
comprehend... I do know that her ex spent quite a bit of
time trying to encourage her sexually... so I'm wondering
"am I really prepared to take all this on?"
any advice would be welcome... we haven't gone into
this blind-folded btw.
 From: Bernd
Hi Barry, A few comments (I've posted some thoughts about sexual stuff
separately).
If you try to make your choices based on how your ex's
will react, your choices will be guided more by fear than
by inner voice. Let them have their feelings and
reactions, including the irrational ones. And yes, they
can make your life difficult, but trying to control their
feelings and reactions, by making choices you think will
create less waves from them, will results in YOU making
your life more difficult. Bad enough they do it, you have
no control over that. But you DO have control over how
difficult YOU make life for yourself. Do what feels best
for you, and take the time to search out and find as best
you can where your inner voice is trying to guide you.
Your ex's have no rights to know anything that you don't
choose to tell them. There's a difference between
"hiding" things from them, and choosing to
respect your own privacy. The latter is inner guided,
while hiding things from them is something that's guided
more by fear.
The more you try to control others' reactions, the
less in touch you'll be with your inner voice, and being
less in touch will make it more difficult to make inner
voice choices about the relationship itself. That's the
hidden cost, and it's bigger than we realize. My
thoughts. Remember, you're still in the early stages of
EVERYTHING.
|
