 Afraid of the answer - robert
I'm confused about something that is happening in my
relationship. I have been involved with a very special
person now for about 3.5 years. We are in a cooling off
period as we decide what we want in our relationship.
There has been a great need for us to be in each other's
life. We now want to WANT each other. I am also a newly
admitted codependent. That has influenced our
relationship and I 'm working through those issues one
day and one step at a time. The peacemaker in me has
hampered communication between us.
My question is this: My SO has a friend that she met
on line. He lives far away and he and his son will be
flying in tomorrow for a few days. I just recently found
out about the (see, I told you communication was a
problem). I would be more concerned about this visit if I
hadn't found out about in a non threatening manner
("I thought I told you about it"). Until this
weekend, I wasn't going to express my fear that this
friendship was more than just friendship. But now, I
must. I have assumed too many things that have turned out
to be wrong. (See, Bernd, I am throwing away the crystal
anchor). I must, for my own sanity, know the truth. Once
I know what is going on, I will know how to proceed.
I guess I really don't have a question, just needed to
vent. I trust her and know that she would not do anything
to hurt me. She is the type that finishes one thing
before she starts another. But I am human and the demons
are there. God, grant me the serenity to accept the
things I cannot change, courage to change the things I
can And the wisdom to know the difference.
 From: Claudia
Hi Robert, You say you must know the truth for your
own sanity... I am not sure which truth you speak of? Do
you want to know whether her connection with this man is
more than just friendship or are you wanting to know
whether your relationship with her is more than just
friendship? Are you ready to hear that she may be
uncertain on both counts? It sounds as though the two of
you are experiencing changes in the relationship that you
share as you have known it. I know for me, when I began
the journey of self discovery involved through the 12
step process, I wanted all of the answers yesterday so I
could quickly fix all that was "wrong". Reread
the article you posted for all of us (thanks BTW) and
perhaps it will give you needed and desired serenity
before you approach this topic with your SO. The best of
wishes to you Robert, you are on the road to a happier
and healthier you as you remain willing to look into
those places of fear that have kept many of us trapped
from the real joy of being alive and who we truly are:
Beautiful and Worthy Children of a loving Higher Power.
(For me this power is the love and grace of God, shown
through the gift of Jesus Christ.) You are in my prayers.
From: robert
Claudia, Thank you for the encouragement. I wasn't
quite clear in my first post. We have known each other
for over 3.5 years. We have been in love for over 3
years. I know that our relationship is more than just
friendship. We talked over a month ago on the same topic.
She said that Had she met me now, we'd be married in a
year.
The truth that I need to know is what is her
relationship with the friend coming into town tomorrow
evening. I'm going to meet her for breakfast and plan on
telling her about my concerns and then flat out asking
her about what will happen while he and his son are here.
Thus, Afraid of the answer. However, either way, I'll
know. I'm tired of assuming things.
Thank you again for the encouragement and the prayers.
No matter how tomorrow turns out, I must do this for
myself and for my recovery. The fear of the unknown is
worse than the fear of the known.
From: Claudia
Hi again, A word of caution: be careful that you don't
ask in a way that makes it impossible for her to respond.
Unless she is psychic, she will have no way of knowing
what will happen when she meets with this friend. Good
luck Robert. You are in my thoughts.
From: Bernd
To me, it's healthy to express my fears and anxieties,
but not healthy to ask my partner to ease them. I have a
choice - do I value the process of building trust in my
higher power MORE than my need to have Lynda make choices
I want her to? Each time I ask Lynda to walk a part of a
path I've chosen (to calm my own fears) I distract her
from finding the path her higher power is trying to guide
her to.
Let her know your fears, so that she has the benefit
of seeing things thru your eyes as well as hers. But
after that, remind yourself and her that she has the
complete freedom to make whatever choices are best for
her, even when those conflict with what you want. And
back up those words with your subsequent choices. It may
sound riskier to give her such freedom, but it isn't. The
more in touch she is with what SHE wants most, the better
chances she has of discovering that she wants honesty,
and the type of acceptance and freedom you give her to
find her own way. Freedom IS one of the strongest bonds.
If she can be honest with you about ANY choice or
feeling, and not have you judge or leave her, you'll
become a safe place for her to BE honest. If you value
honesty highly, provide a safe place for it to blossom.
My 2 cents. Lynda and I have had our own big struggles
over the same kinds of issues.
From: Misty
Hi Robert. I know that for me I have these
conversations in my head before I have them with the
other person. I have a tendency to blow things all out of
proportion. I decided how things are before I really have
the knowledge to make a decision.
I worried because you used the term "flat out ask
her". Ask her because you would like to know, but
don't let fears or insecurity give you the answer ahead
of time. Listen and find out what her answer is. I will
be thinking about you.
From: robert
Claudia, Bernd, Misty and all others in this wonderful
family, Thank you all for the kind words, thoughts and
prayers. Ya'll's support has a means of working out and
through some of the demons. Bernd, I especially want to
thank you. Your words helped me crystalize what was
bothering me about the way I was reacting. I knew I had
nothing to worry about, but still I was confused. Being
codependent is an insidious disease. Since it's so hard
to feel worthy of being loved, It's hard to recognize
true, unconditional love when I receive it.
The discussion went well. I came out of the
conversation with a renewed hope for our relationship and
the fact that one day, one step at a time and with God's
help, I will be able to accept the unconditional love
that I am given every day.
"I am a child of God. I can love and be loved
unconditionally. And one day, with God's help, I will
accept that."
From: kim
Robert, You are very much worth any and all love that
comes your way! I hope that you can live for each moment
and not let the demons, fear and possible jealousy hamper
you from your serenity. You'll get what you need when its
time. The only thing I believe that keeps that from
happening is "ourselves". Relax, let go and let
God. I know these sound like clichés, but they're
popular for good reason! Know that we all are here for
you. You're a great "Southern Gentlemen" and we
just luvs haven' you around.
From: robert
Kim, Thanks for the kind words and the pick me up. I
know I am loveable and deserving of receiving love. The
thing I have a problem with is accepting that fact. One
day and one step at at time, with God's help. Big Zen
Hugs to you!
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