 So it goes - Steve
As I read the postings on this site I am thankful to
learn of all the problems that other people have in their
lives. By that I mean I thought I was the only one who
dealt with complex issues of life, marriage and work.
My reason for writing is to get other perspectives on
my current situation. I am 41, professional and
successful at my calling. I have been married for 17
years and can honestly say I love my wife and I know she
loves me. We are very considerate of each others feelings
and care deeply about each other.
We met 19 years ago at her brothers dorm room in
college. She came to visit him during summer school. We
had a fun time but did not start to date until the nest
summer and were married a year after that. Our marriage
has blessed us with a son who is a good person and
starting to think about leaving our nest and being on his
own. Actually it will be another two years for that to
happen.
for me the issue is that over time people change and
get interested in different things. For my wife this
attitude came after the death of two close relatives.
That live is too short, and she wants to live it without
pain or guilt. Our marriage has run hot and cold. I have
had one job for the last fifteen years and she has had
13. She likes to change things. She has a very good job
now. Works in a Dr. office for two years. The people she
works with like her and think she does a great job. Yet
twice in the last six months she has walked out on the
job over minor disagreements with the office manager.
Each time she packed up her stuff and carried it out the
door. Both times she and the office manager patched it
up, chalk it up to the stress of the work and returned to
peace at the office.
She has blamed me in the past for moving her away from
her family, mother, father and brothers. She has been
through depression and is on medication for it, zoloft.
She has pressed so hard on the family issue that this
year I will leave my employer and move the family back to
our hometown. Since last fall, she has decided to sleep
in the spare bedroom because she says she sleeps better
alone. She likes more room. I accepted this as
occasionally we still slept together. About four months
ago she refused to be intimate at all. We have not had
sex and at the moment all she will allow me to do is hug
her and kiss her hello and goodbye. I am not allowed to
kiss her with my tongue. She says she is just not
interested in sex and will not do it. She says she
understands how difficult this is for me yet she will not
budge.
My question is this, am I crazy to stay with this
person who treats me this way. I know she loves me, is
this her way of trying to break us up with out her having
to leave. This is very important to her as her family is
Catholic and her parents and grandparents were married
for a very long time.
I know she wants change in her life, does this include
changing her partner. Poor choice of words, I do not feel
like a partner anymore, just some one who shares the
house and pays the bills. I'm looking for a woman's point
of view. I know all about communicating, when we talk and
I try to share my feelings regarding our life and how
much she means to me it makes her uncomfortable. Is she
trying to tell me something. What is it. We have been to
counsellors and after two or three times she does not
want to continue. She believes they oversimplify the
situation. The last one told her to try to understand
what a man thinks about sex, to a man it is a very
important part of love. She said she understood yet if
her solution was for us to have sex that was not a
solution, "It's not going to happen" was her
response to the counsellor.
I'm not sure what the next step will bring. If we move
and get back home and things do not work out, I will not
only have lost my wife, my family but my career will have
to start all over again. I know this will not be easy I
just want to understand the motivation. Are these
feelings she is having common to others. How have others
dealt with them. What do the subtleties of behaviour
mean?
 From: Kandy
Hi Steve, first I'll just introduce myself, I am Kandy
and I am 28 years old, I am replying to you from London.
I have read your letter about your lately troubled
relationship between you and your wife. Surely if you and
your wife have been married for 19 years, you must really
love each other. I believe that marriages which end up in
separation after such a long time of being together do so
because one or both of the partners do not try hard
enough to patch up what is going wrong. Your wife seems
like she is having a very hard time in coming to terms
with the death of her relatives, the meaning of life and
too scared about death. Probably, her problems are so
well hidden deep inside that she is not aware of them
herself. You have not mentioned whether you do keep
reminding her how important she is to you and how much
you still love her.
Have you tried being blunt and asking her directly if
she does feel that your marriage has come to an end? As
you said, you are about to make some big changes in your
life (such as living your career behind to take the
family back home) and I do have a lot of respect for the
decision you have made, it does show how much your wife
and son mean to you. And you are very much right by
saying that if she does feel she wants to put an end to
it, than not only you have lost your loved one but also
your career. If I were you I would try to find out
exactly how your wife feels before I made such a big
move. Try to talk to her again, if you have the chance of
staying alone with her for the whole weekend, do so and
tell her exactly how much you care for her, let her know
how worried you are about her, do not mention the sex,
just try to find out what her problems are and show her
that you are there for her come rain or shine. If you are
strong and show her your love and support all the time,
the day will come that she will open up and let her fears
out. I really do hope that you will get that sparkle back
in your relationship.
From: Steve
Thanks for the comments. I have always found it to be
beneficial for me to talk to others about my problems. I
guess I'm curious in that how does a person loose
interest is sex. I know for me, I can't imagine not
getting turned on at some time during the week. Do others
loose their sex drive. What are the factors that would
lead to that loss of sexual feelings. How common is it
for others spouses to lose interest in the sexual side of
their relationships.
From: Susan
Steve, sorry you are going through all this. A couple
of questions : 1) Zoloft - how long and how much. I also
take it and was on Prozac. MANY anti-depressants cause a
significant change in libido. Please check with her
doctor about this, her medication can be changed or
modified. 2) was her disinterest sudden, or in any way
linked to a major "upheaval" in her life - i.e
loss of a parent, child moving away, major surgery, etc.
Also, age may make a difference - did you say her age?
Can you pin her change to any of this ??
From: Steve
Age is 41. As for a loss. Two important people passed
away in the last seven years. Her grandmother and her
uncle. Her mother was one of a family of three children.
Two girls and a boy. When the grandmother died the bulk
of the estate went to Don, my wife's uncle. Don is ten
years older than my wife. He received the most as he had
provided the care to her for the last eight years of her
life. He has never been married and did not date.
This dividing of her estate left hard feelings between
the children. The two sisters fought and my wife's cousin
actually accused the uncle of child abuse. The uncle was
physically attacked and his reputation was ruined. No
charges were ever filed as no proof existed. The nest few
years were followed by depression as the uncle never
recovered from the emotional pain of being accused. He
drank himself to death three years ago at the age of 48.
My wife was close to her uncle and slipped into a
depression. After about six months she started to take
medication. I wondered if the medication can be causing
the change, but the lack of interest is sex happened
after being on the medication for a year.
I just can't get the feelings to go away, that her
lack of interest in sex is a lack of interest in me. I
know it is selfish to think this and most of the time it
does not bother me. Yet every two or three weeks I get to
feeling this way. I usually get my hopes up especially
after a very good week. When things seem to be clicking
for us.
I search for understanding the complexities of
relationships. I have the attitude that when I married my
wife that I found the most wonderful person in the world.
I can not think of being without her. I can not imagine
not loving her. That is the most frustrating part. Even
when life's difficult situations have developed I knew
she was there for me and vice-versa. I could go on for a
lot longer but it is late and I'm going to go to bed.
I'll check back with this site in a little while. Thanks.
From: Susan
While I understand I am over-simplifying this ..... 1)
41 is not actually too young to begin the early stages of
menopause, especially if she has had problems in that
area. 2) The medication could be a factor - not
necessarily the cause - but a contributing factor. It has
it's way of slowly working around to that - I speak from
experience - also, some folks become MORE depressed on
Zoloft !!! I think I would at least discuss this with her
doctor. 3) Sounds like some serious family problems
there. Is there a possibility there was abuse concerning
the Uncle ? Would she have been involved or suspected it
in any way?
Is your wife otherwise affectionate with you, still
the warm caring person as before. If physical intimacy is
all that is lacking, there could be a medical or
emotional problem causing pain (or shame or
embarrassment) that she is unwilling to face or discuss.
Please encourage her to see her doctor and discuss this.
If purely it's purely emotional, have you considered
therapy. There are some who specialize in "marital
therapy" which encompasses traditional therapy and
sexual dysfunctions.
Otherwise, you need to take care of yourself, and
therapy and support groups would certainly be something
for you to think about. You can take care of yourself
without taking care of her. She will need to discover for
herself what she needs or wants or will respond to. Just
love her and yourself, through it all - that is the most
important part !!!! {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}
From: Bernd
Hi Steve, I know it’s frustrating and confusing
to have such big changes happen in your marriage after so
many years together. I’ll give you some of my
guesses.
I think Susan and Kandy have some really valid
insights. Zoloft definitely has side-effects in many
people that reduce (sometimes significantly) sexual
desire and feelings. Your wife may have very well
“forced” herself to try and continue a somewhat
normal sex life after such side effects started taking
hold, but finally gave up. To me, this would make sense
of why the dramatic changes happened close to a year
after she started on the meds.
Regarding your uncle, the truth may never be known. I
wouldn’t discount the possibility that he WAS
involved in some sexual abuse. You don’t have to
condemn him in accepting such a possibility, but it may
be erroneous to conclude that he drank himself to death
because of false accusations. He may have drank to try to
escape the pain of his awareness of what he had done,
after the accusations came out. Sexual abuse - because it
pits an adult’s testimony against a child’s (or
a former child) is extremely difficult to prove in a
court of law in many cases. He may not have been an
abuser, but it’s also possible he may have.
The relevance of this is that - if he did abuse your
wife - she is not only dealing with depression, but she
is also dealing with resurfaced pain and memories of such
abuse. This is hell for her. If she was in a horrible
accident where her body was covered with burns, she
wouldn’t want sex, because it would be too painful,
and I think you’d find it easier to accept, because
the reasons would be understandable. Now picture her soul
carrying those same burns. She is in extreme pain inside,
but because you can’t see it, it’s hard to
understand and accept. Her pain would also be wrapped up
in a lot of guilt and shame - part of the hell abuse
victims find themselves in is believing they could have
stopped it, that they were responsible (or partly
responsible) for it happening. They see a monster inside
of themselves, and they are terrified that if they really
start looking at all that inner pain, their partner will
see that monster too, and leave them. As much as you feel
you are going thru hell right now, my guess is that your
wife is dealing with pain that is even greater - and is
terrified of acknowledging it. There is a saying that God
works in mysterious ways. I suspect that you have asked
God to help you understand what is happening. I think
He’s answered you. The pain you are feeling perhaps
gives you the best awareness you’re able to get into
how much she is hurting inside. Whenever you hurt, remind
yourself that she is trying to stave off feeling even
greater pain and ongoing panic from her past. It will
help you get perspective.
The deaths in the family would add even more weight to
her shoulders. The one thing about feelings is that our
bodies don’t let us be selective. We can’t
choose what feelings we feel. It’s more like all or
nothing. If your wife is trying to keep an overwhelming
flood of pain from the past from drowning her, it would
be impossible for her to fully feel the grief she needed
to from the deaths. That has added a lot to the weight
she’s carrying inside. Picture her carrying a huge
sack of rocks, her back bent over by the sheer weight, a
look of tiredness in her eyes and growing hopelessness.
Does this type of situation seem like one where sex would
be near the top of her “want” list? Not likely.
What she needs most is simple acceptance, and some signs
of hope that there will be light at the end of the
tunnel.
Having said all that, it is perfectly okay if you
decide that the best thing for you is to get away from
this relationship for awhile, or forever. If you decide
to stay, it will be very frustrating and confusing at
times, but if you make a commitment to YOURSELF to find
out what this relationship is trying to really give you,
and teach you, I promise you the rewards and answers will
astound and awe you for the rest of your life. On the
surface, it seems like the most selfish thing to do is
leave, but from my experience, the most selfish thing for
you may actually be to stay.
I concur with Susan’s suggestion about therapy
for yourself. If you stay, I suspect you’ll need
every tool you can get a hold of, and every source of
outside insight and support you feel comfortable with.
Your need for sex might be masking other needs, such
as closeness, hugs, validation, and safe places to
express your feelings. You can get all of those needs
healthily met to some degree outside the marriage
(friendships and support groups), which will take some of
the pressure off. I’d also suggest making a
commitment to touching and caressing your wife
emotionally as well as physically, while reassuring her
that it won’t lead to sex - and keeping that
promise. (Emotional caressing is saying things as simple
as “I love your smile/eyes/face/etc.” out of
the blue, and for no reason other than the nice feelings
you get from saying them). If she does initiate sex,
remind her that you give her the complete freedom to stop
at any time, for any reason, and that you’ll stay
with her and hold her when/if that ever happens.
I’d also highly recommend learning as much as you
can about depression and sexual abuse. There are some
excellent books on both subjects, including “Courage
to Heal” and “Allies in Healing”. You
haven’t been thru your wife’s experiences
yourself, so the more insight you get into other
people’s similar experiences, the more empathy
you’ll be able to develop with the struggles
she’s dealing with. It will help you and her.
Finally, think of the marriage vows in a bit of a
different way. If you got married in a church, there were
likely prayers that asked God to help you both grow in
love together, and find happiness. There is crap from
both your childhoods, and struggles from the present,
that are acting like mud on the windows to your souls.
Some of it is caked on there pretty hard. God
doesn’t lead us to happiness by erasing our memories
of bad stuff. He leads us to happiness by allowing our
souls to bring that crap to our attention (which we
usually resist mightily), so that we can help ourselves
and others release it and heal it, letting more and more
sunshine in. Love always works in multiples. That’s
part of the power of marriage.
Everything that Lynda does, or doesn’t do, is
exactly what I need to help me in my healing. When I
remind myself of that, powerful and wonderful things
happen. I don’t have to understand right away. The
understanding comes to me when it’s best for me. I
don’t know where your path leads, or what the best
path is for you. I just hope that some of the things
I’ve mentioned help you find out more about
what’s truly best for you, and help give you some
reassurance that going on faith is not crazy; in fact,
genuine, constantly tested and doubted faith is the
sanest thing I know. Hope this helps a bit.
From: George
I might have a different theory on loss of sex drive.
Physically how do you look? Are you overweight? Are you
in just as good of shape as you were the night of your
honeymoon? I'm being blunt, because women DO care what
their mates look like. A nice size inner tube around your
waste could be a factor in the loss of desire.
Also, my suggestion is this. Don't be so
"sincere" with your wife. STOP telling her that
she is everything to you. STOP telling her that you love
her ALL the time, only once in a while to keep her
reassured. In other words, it is time to play "hard
to get". Not in the traditional sort of way, but in
a married sort of way. My guess is that your wife has
simply gotten bored with the marriage. You are always
there for her, always telling her that you love and need
her, always standing by her side, always being the one
who shows the interest in the relationship. Let me tell
you, all the kisses and hugs and I love you's ain't gonna
make her get interested again. She already knows you love
her, she already knows all the things you say and do.
Take on a new image. Start working out. Do things on your
own. Basically, rekindle her desire for something she's
not sure she can have. Women LOVE chasing after something
that looks forbidden or mysterious. I'm not saying change
your whole personality or attitude, just make things fun
again. Go out with your friends more often. Don't call
her from work or whatever. Let her have time alone by
herself. Don't alienate yourself, just be less intrusive
and less "there" all the time. After time, you
will rekindle her interest and curiosity in the man that
she married. Don't think that just because you have been
there all the time, and that "you know she loves
you", and that she desired you years ago means that
she does now. You have to keep marriage exciting and
mysterious regardless how long you've been together. Do
things you've never done before. Exciting things.
Spontaneous. And if she doesn't want to go or wants to
stay home instead, fine, go with your buddies and leave
her home. All the best.
From: Steve
Thanks for the advice. I'm not overweight. At
5'10.5" I weigh 168lbs. I do work out at aerobic and
lifting exercises. Not so I get huge just to keep toned
and tight. You could be right, I'm always there for her
and I have let my personal life suffer in that the only
acquaintances I have are with people at work. I do not go
out with the boys. Perhaps I can try to be less there for
her
From: kim
How wonderful for your wife that she has a
compassionate, caring partner as you to go through life
with. I'm pretty certain that if she could change the way
she feels right now she would. Sometimes we just need
time to process the events and emotions tied to them
before we can "get better" or "back to
normal". I also speak from experience.
Susan was right when she said to take care of
yourself. The more you do that, the easier it will be on
her to handle her own problems without having to
"worry" about you. Not that she doesn't care,
but I suspect that this is all taking alot of energy on
her part to go through. That's one of the most crippling
parts of depression. Write more often and let us know
what you need. If it's just a cyber-smile and hug, I can
give you that :-)! Take care.
From: Steve
Thanks for all the comments and advice. It is
reassuring to learn about all of you who have had similar
experiences. That is perhaps the most reassuring thing
about this site, that I am not alone. When I get
depressed I can always read about other peoples problems
and mine don't seem too bad.
I will post here in the future, I have found that by
putting thoughts into words I feel better about my
situation.
My most recent discovery is that my wife has started
to do drugs again. She purchased pot from her brother and
has been smoking it daily for a month or so. I discovered
this by accident when I got up Sun. morning early. She
had fallen asleep in the family room and not put her pipe
and stash away. I thought she was having trouble with
medication, trouble sleeping due to zoloft. Now I learn
she just wants to stay up late and get high after we have
gone to bed. We due have a 15 yr. old, how can this be
good for him. If I can find out I'm sure he can too.
It's getting to the point where I am so confused about
her behaviour. With the lack of intimacy, and the fact
she is concealing drug use I can not stop wondering what
else I don't know. Can it be that she is just passing
through a phase? Or what can be next.
I have for the last 17 yrs. never been with another
woman and do not want to start now. Yet attempts to
relate to my wife are getting more difficult. All I want
is to feel her love. I do not have that feeling. When she
tries to explain she says life is too short to worry what
will happen. She wants to be happy and doing what she is
doing makes her happy. Depression medication, Drug abuse,
Lack of intimate feelings, Sleeping in spare bedroom,
Staying up late. Where do I fit into this picture? When
will it all make sense?
From: kim
The mother in me is coming out now. I may sound
judgmental, but I have a 15 year old son also. In my
mind, I think the child is the first priority here. You
should seek some legal advice as to what penalties there
are if illegal drugs are discovered in your home. Could
you also be prosecuted? What a mess that would be and how
ashamed you and your wife would be to have this found out
by your child.
I don't know what the best method for doing this is
(I'm sure narcotics anonymous would have some good
advice), but I would let my spouse know that she would
NOT be living in my home as long as she was involved in
an illegal activity. Where are her maternal instincts.
This is when I say to hell with her pain, your pain or
anyone elses. Your child deserves better than the
atmosphere and consequences this can have. I may sound
preachy here, but there is no excuse for her doing this.
If she wants help, then find it. If she wants to drown
her pain, then do so elsewhere. She is a grown up. The
child is not and doesn't need that in his home. The home
should be the haven from the world. If it's not, they
WILL find somewhere else to go.
I'm sorry if this sounds offensive. It's just that as
a single mom, I know how hard it is to raise two healthy
children in a non drug-induced state, and to help them
find healthy alternatives to stress, etc. What kind of
example do parents set when one is an abuser and the
other sits back and allows it? You sound like a wonderful
man. I know that what ever you decide will be in your
families best interest. Good luck!
From: Bernd
It's extremely difficult watching someone you've known
and loved much of your life fall deeper and deeper into
quicksand. We're very tempted to try and rescue them, yet
what our efforts usually do is get US mired in our own
quicksand of despair right next to them. I'm going to ask
you to take a HUGE leap of faith and ask you to try and
embrace "what is happening with my wife now is
EXACTLY what I need most". How can this be so?
If your wife has been sexually abused, and you're only
beginning to get a glimpse of that truth, then throughout
your marriage you have NOT KNOWN a very integral part of
the woman you love. And based on Lynda's and my
experience in rebuilding our relationship, not only did I
"not know" important parts of the real Lynda,
but I was also dreadfully out of touch with important
parts of MYSELF. If we only want roses that have no
thorns, we'll never truly have roses.
Your wife is unable to keep shutting off those parts
of herself that she is ashamed of, and looks at as
"monsters" inside of her. She is in a desperate
struggle to try and shut down the old pain and panic that
those parts of her bring to her awareness. As long as you
are trying to monitor, judge, or "help" her
stop that destructive behavior, her focus will be on
trying to deal with her struggles with YOU, not her
struggles with herself.
This is hard stuff. But there's reasons why it's hard.
Childhood pain is like a high interest loan. The longer
we take in really dealing with it, the more
"interest" accumulates, and the more it sucks
out of us when we do begin taking care of it. Think of
discovering that you suddenly owed $500,000. Would a
sense of hopelessness begin to overwhelm you? That s the
kind of hopelessness your wife likely feels inside. And
my guess is she is trying to keep that hopelessness from
turning into unstoppable despair.
It is your struggle with your own despair over her
that gives you the best possible chance of giving
yourself a tremendous gift, and really helping her find
her way out of her own despair. It's called the power of
example. If you can embrace that what is happening is
exactly what you need right now, your focus can turn to
finding out why. And it will also help you LET your wife
find her own way thru her stumbling, because of your
realization that her stumbling will help you learn some
very powerful lessons about genuine love - lessons that
will help you get the happiness you truly deserve no
matter what happens to this relationship.
As a start, if you can find a support group for
partners of drug addicts online or in real life, it will
give you a lot of help in dealing with the newest twist.
Narcotics Anonymous is a great place to find such help.
Even if your wife isn't "addicted", your life
is being affected by her drug use. That's really what
such support groups help its members deal with.
Try to look for answers and help in ways - and from
sources - that don't require your wife to change
ANYTHING. And as painful as it might be, if you can find
the courage to begin looking at how dependent you are on
your wife for your happiness and peace of mind, it will
lead you in healthy directions that will help heal your
relationship with her, and with yourself.
I'm going to give you some perspective here. I
wouldn't trade my relationship with Lynda for anything in
the world now. We have been thru fire and swamps and
quicksand, and almost lost each other many many times. As
tough as I thought her affair was on me, it was just a
warm-up for the real work that lay ahead of us. She had
horrendous wounds inside of her from her past childhood
sexual abuse (in combination with other wounds), and
without the lessons I learned in coping with the affair,
I would have never been able to be an ally in her later
healing. And those wounds were a PART of her, something
that ate at her like a cancer for much of her life. Along
the way I've discovered some pretty painful wounds of my
own from my past. To have Lynda as an ally in MY healing
is a joy that goes beyond words. What goes around comes
around. And with love, it comes back around many many
times over.
That's it. Just a reminder - these are simply my best
guesses, Do the searching you need to find out what feels
true for you.
From: mzet
My situation is totally different from yours but I
would like to share what I have found because it echoes
what Bernd is saying. The ONLY instrument that gets to
the core of the loved one we want to change, and the only
efficient and effective one, is an attitude of profound
benevolence that never dies, despite all the ingratitudes
we may be subjected to. This attitude is perfect love.
So what has happened to you (and to those of us who
have had to deal with affairs or other painful
situations) is, in essence, that life has given you an
opportunity to learn how to really love. Because what we
gave before was not love, not perfect love, in that our
love always had expected something in return. Perfect
love is unconditional. In fact, we shouldn't love because
we "feel" good in the company of the one we
love, but because the other person IS or, if you are
religious, because their God is our God.
This kind of perfect love is not easy. It is very
difficult and sometimes painful. It takes time to get
there and the results of change in the other are not
guaranteed because that change is, really, beyond our
control. But this love does open the POSSIBILITY of
change in the loved one. And, more importantly, this love
brings, between the ups and downs we all have, a sense of
steady peace, joy and strength that is unlike anything I
have experienced before.
Finally, one last bit of insight I just stole reading
Sta. Teresa of Avila: If we really want to open the
possibility of change in the other, we have to practice
to perfection the virtue(s) contrary to the fault(s) of
the loved one, because it is our example what will teach,
not our words, nor our warnings, nor our threats. And the
perfect virtue that the other sees in us is usually very
contagious. Guesses, just guesses, like Bernd says. Take
care.
From: kim
Hi Steve, you sound like a wonderful man. I can tell
you that from my perspective, a "healthy" woman
is most attracted to a man with a strong sense of himself
and his own life. It is so flattering when he wants to
include you in his affairs and of course when he notices
your womanliness. But, if a man becomes too attentive, it
can be smothering. It makes you wonder if he doesn't have
other things in his life that bring him fulfillment. No
one wants to be someones "everything" in the
sense that every move you make affects them tremendously.
I don't know if I'm expressing this correctly. I'm just
trying to say that I like it when I can be with a man and
let my guard down and just be me. I don't have to worry
if I say or do the right thing too much. Then, I can just
be a woman. And if he enjoys my "female" side,
then great. I also have found that the more
"masculine" a man is, the more
"feminine" I can be. I'm not trying to be
stereotypical here. Does that make sense to you? I am
definetly not a shrinking violet. I have my own oppinions
in a big way. I'm a person just as a man is, but it's
nice to be with a person who enjoys me as a woman, AND
who is healthy in his own right as a man.
I don't know if I conveyed the message that I am
trying to, but I think that if you take care of you, she
will be more intrigued by the real YOU. Not by what you
DO for her. Maybe she'll be more motivated to give to YOU
for a change. Good luck, and I'll be looking for more
posts from you.
From: Steve
Last evening my wife and I had a talk and I said to
her that she needed to stop the drug use. She is not a
rebellious teen testing the limits. She needs to accept
the facts of her life and search for help. It was a good
talk in that both of us were able to talk openly. Her
response to the topic was that at this point in her life
she felt she did not want to be told what to do or not
do.
She came home from work early today and cleaned out
her closet and dresser. I have not heard from her since I
left for work this morning. Our son was out for the day
with friends and he has not heard from her as well. I can
only assume that she is ok. It is very lonely and quiet
in the house tonight. Is this the end.
From: Bernd
This is a change, but where that change leads to, only
the future will tell. Try to get some support thru an
online support group for partners of drug users, or even
better, a live support group. Take each day at a time,
and try to remind yourself that true change is often a
long and confusing process - for both of you. Try not to
make any major decisions until you've built up a support
network that can help you validate your feelings, and
help you take some of the pressure off the confusion,
despair, and frustration. Give yourself time and
patience.
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