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 Wife staying but still in love
with her lover - tom
My wife of 12 years and 4 children had an affair with
her boss. If we didn't have children, she'd be gone.
She's in love with "him". She says she can't
leave because she can't stand to hurt me or the children.
I think she's afraid I would win any custody battle and
she can't stand to live without the children. She says
she loves me but isn't "in love" with me. She
told me a few weeks ago she still lusts after
"him" and is in love with him. She prays her
feelings for him go away and she can fall in love with me
again, but it isn't happening. I see small improvements
in our relationship, but fundamentally, she's still
emotionally attached to her lover....former lover? She
wrote him a letter telling him if he loved her to let her
go...but only after I insisted she end all contact with
him. She wanted to try to make our marriage work and keep
in touch with her lover as a friend.
Is it possible for her to regain her feelings for me?
Should she try? I've forgiven her and am willing to try
to rebuild our marriage, but how much do I have to take?
I'm in love with her, but she's in love with someone
else. Sounds like a great script for a blues song.
Feeling frustrated.
 From: Jim
At least she's not pregnant with his child -- as in my
case. Your problems could be worse, my friend.
From: Tom
It can always be worse I suppose. I had a friend years
ago whose wife got pregnant while we was TDY and left him
with their 5 children...then 4 months later begged him to
take her back and he did.. I don't know what ever
happened to them...but I just couldn't believe he'd take
her back. Thanks the the reply! Always nice to know
others are out there dealing with similar problems!
From: mzet
Our situations are quite alike. Married for ten years,
four kids, wife has affair, says not in love with me,
etc., etc. I'm still in the midst of the mess. I suggest
you read some of the responses that Bernd and Lynda have
had to many of my questions and postings. They might help
you too. They went through it and have re-built their
marriage..
The best thing you can do, according to my experience,
is nothing. I found that concentrating on myself rather
than our relationship or her worked the best. Any kind of
attempt on your part to try to "fix" her will
backfire because it is interpreted (and actually is) as
attempts to control her. If she says she can't stand
hurting you or the kids she is probably sincere. I am not
sure custody battles have even entered her mind right
now. If she says she loves you but is not in love with
you, that is a great start!!!! That's a lot more than my
wife can say. It sounds as if she is wanting to give you
a chance, and that she is trying hard, but a lot depends
on how you react to her attempts. If you press for
change, if you react negatively to her attempts, if you
despair,if you blow up, if she feels your uneasiness, it
will backfire. That's why the best thing you can do is
concentrate on your own healing. When she feels the
peace, the sincere peace that you have within you, then
she will begin to change, a little bit at a time. Lynda
and Bernd say that she will then want to have what you
have.
I also insisted she end all contact with her lover,
but that did not work. The conviction had to come from
within her. As long as she is doing it FOR YOU, it will
not be a permanent conviction, but she will feel
manipulated and in a power struggle with you. This is
hard for you to accept, it was for me, but it wasn't
until I sincerely said: "You need to do whatever it
is you feel you have to do, which includes seeing or not
seeing the lover," that she began to make a real
effort. Before then, she had broken up with the lover
numerous times. In fact I stoped counting! So be prepared
to find out that she still may be seeing the lover....
I think it is typical for the one having an affair to
want to keep the friendship with the lover. You and I
know that it is not very productive to keep the triangle.
But that's not up to you, it's up to her. Remember that
to her not seeling the lover will feel as if a life line
has been cut, as if her legs has been amputated. It
wasn't until I stoped demanding that she stop seeing the
lover that she really was convinced that she needed to
stop if she wanted to give the marriage a chance. My lack
of insistence, I think, gave her the space she needed to
figure that out. Remember that through this whole process
SHE is the one who needs to formulate the questions and
find the answers, not you.
Again, the paradox for you is that if you want to save
your marriage, you have to let go, completely and
sincerely let go of your wife. Or at least that is what I
have learned has worked for me. The letting go has to be
sincere, not forced, because your wife will feel your
uneasiness otherwise and that will be a turn-off. Be
available for her, but don't overwhelm her. And be very
careful about how you respond to her overtures. I still
have a hard time with that. If she opens up and asks for
help, don't over-do it. Remember she needs to figure it
out herself. It's your example, not your answers that
will help her.
It is possible for her to regain feelings for you. But
again, it is my opinion that the possibility is directly
proportional to your act of letting go. That doesn't mean
that they WILL come back, but that one condition for them
to come back is your letting go. Should she try? That's
something she has to answer, not you. You need to
concentrate on your side of the equation. How much do you
have to take? I continually ask that question. This is
tough love. My answer has been very spiritual, but
others, I am sure, have had other ways: how much did
Christ take for love of us?
My goal is not rebuilding my marriage anymore. That
may or may not come. My goal is to love my wife
unconditionally and take whatever it takes to continue to
love, because I feel deep down inside that that is what I
have to do for MYSELF and my children. I suggest you read
Scott Peck's The Road Less Traveled. It was one of the
first steps in my healing process. And start a journal,
it has helped me tremendously to sort out myself.
Yeah, I used to feel very frustrated. I still do,
every now and then. This takes a looong time. And it is
difficult. Anyway, my guesses. Take what sounds good to
you, dump the rest. I'm sure Bernd will also have a few
remarks. Take care and hang in there.
From: Tom
She has changed jobs (I made her quit) but her old
boss (the co-adulter) is in jail. The affair is over, but
she's still in love with him...at least that's what the
reason she gives me for not being intimate with me still.
I have noticed she is paying more attention to me, but
the bottom line is she still loves him more than she
loves me. She feels she can't leave because of the
children so she stays, hoping she'll feel the same way
towards me again. GOD I HATE IT! Just a week ago we were
having lunch and she tells me she's still in love with
him, yet they haven't communicated for 4 weeks. Sometimes
I think what's the use...I should get a divorce, but I
just can't seem to abandon her and I don't want to hurt
the children. HELP!!!!!
From: Bernd
Been there, done that, bought the tshirt. Focus on
yourself, and commit yourself to finding out what this
time in your relationship and your life is trying to
teach you. Look for the gifts, however small. Your wife
is still on that "paved" road that really is
just a shortcut to a deep swamp. She has to discover this
for herself, and it may take a lot more time that you'd
like for her to find this out for herself. Focus on
learning how to love yourself in more genuine ways than
you ever have before, which will bring you closer to your
inner voice day by day. It will take you where you truly
need to be, tho not as fast as you want. Trust that what
happened with Lynda and I can also happen to you, just as
gravity here works the same as gravity in Germany. Focus
on your own healing, and the rest will come, slowly, but
surely. Hang in there Tom.
From: Tom
Thanks Bernd! Inspiring words. I have kind of doing
that already. Almost like living the life I want to live
with her, except no intimacy. Very frustrating. But
yesterday she gave me a glimmer of hope. She said she's
been feeling better about me (except when she's tired
from work). The day before she bought me a card out of
the blue. Made me know she was thinking of me. Those two
acts tell me she's slowly coming back. It made me SO
happy to think things will be OK eventually. Helps me get
through each day now! My steps are lighter. I'm waiting
for my wife to return home emotionally to me! I can't
wait!
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