 New husband - Emma
I'm so grateful to have found this board. Thank you
all for being so open here. I have been reading the past
postings and weeping. I'm hurting pretty bad today. I
have been married for 7 days to a man who seemed like my
dream man. I didn't really expect that he would be
perfect, but I thought I had found someone whose
imperfections dovetailed with my own to the extent that
we could build a good life together. He was honest with
me..... at least as honest as he is with himself, which
isn't all that honest. He told me that he had been
labelled as a Sex Addict. And that he was going to
meetings and counselling for it.
What a fool I am! We met through a web-board on the
internet. He told me that he was living with a
"room-mate" with whom he had once had a
romantic relationship, but that had been over for a long
time. I chose to believe him. We lived 500 miles apart
and spent a month emailing one another 4 or 5 times and
talking on the phone for an hour every day. We discussed
EVERYTHING, religion, hopes, dreams, goals, our pasts
etc. There was a fair amount of sexual talk too, but
nothing vulgar or frightening.... After about a month he
travelled to my city for a sex filled exciting weekend. I
didn't learn until after we had already slept together
that he still shared a bed with his
"room-mate". He told me that even though they
still sleep in the same bed that they had not had sex for
over a year. Did I tell him to hit the road? No I did
not, I just asked him to stop sleeping with her. He told
me that he had.
One weekend we planned to meet in a strange town
halfway between our homes. He called me sobbing and said
that he could not meet me because she "wouldn't let
him". I finally got a clue, and the next day I drove
500 miles to talk to them together. I wanted to know what
the truth was. She told me that he is a sick man, who has
run up thousands of dollars in 900 calls, and isn't
capable of true intimacy with anyone. She also told me
that although they did sleep in the same bed and he had
been sexual with her up until the weekend he spent with
me that they had not had intercourse for over a year
because he wasn't able. She also told me that no matter
what I decided to do she was moving out of his home. She
told me that I was the "flavor of the week" and
advised me not to get involved with him. But during our
talk she also related several things that seemed
emasculating to me. She explained how she had tried to
control his behavior etc. etc. I rationalized that the
only reason he was so bad with her is because she was so
controlling. In my head I called her
"co-dependent" and thought that I had been
through enough counselling and learned enough never to
fall into that trap.
He had already asked me to marry him, and I am crazy
about him. I love so many things about him. His
appearance, his opinions, his hopes and dreams.....He
told me that He was motivated to change because he really
wants our relationship to work etc. etc.-- Well, anyway I
married him. The 4th night after our wedding I woke up
alone. He was on the computer downloading dirty pictures.
Not just pictures of bodies, but pictures of acts that
are degrading, and even dangerous. The next night he was
having cybersex-- presenting himself as a 12 year old
girl and asking to be abused. He has downloaded a lot of
pictures of teens-- very frightening. Last night he was
at it again. I got up this morning at 6am and told him
that he has to choose-- "that" or me. I cannot,
will not live that way. I cannot compete with all that.
he has desires that I cannot, will not full fill. If I
ever hear that he was with a child I will call the police
myself! Of course he says he chooses me-- Our marriage,
the life we have dreamed of building together. But now
that I understand the demons he's up against I know that
just saying it won't make it so.
I need your advice. How do I pull this off? let him
know that I love him, just not His addiction. Since he
got into what looks so much like a binge He has not made
love to me at all-- He gets himself worked up and comes
in and relieves himself (sexually) on me, but says that
he wants to relieve himself the other way on me
too....... I am not deleting anything he has down loaded.
I am not going through his things or monitoring his phone
calls. I am not trying to control anything. But I don't
know if I can pull this off. I am very hurt. I am in a
strange city where I don't know anyone, don't have a job
yet, haven't even settled into this house yet. I feel
that I cannot go to the local group for partners of
sexual addicts because his old girlfriend goes there, and
is very bitter and angry with me. (I don't blame her).
I'm worried that now we will begin the sneaking and he'll
begin leaving me clues, which I will try to ignore, and
when he gets so blatant that I have to confront him he'll
accuse me of being controlling. I'm just so scared and
hurt! I'd be grateful for any advice you might have.
thanks again.
 From: Bernd
Emma, I know you're going thru a terrible time right
now. You WILL make it thru it, although it seems like a
mountain right now. It helps me when I repeat the phrase
"and this too shall pass" when I'm going thru
very tough times.
My reading is that it would definitely help you to get
away for a little while, whether it's even just for a few
days. You need time to step out of the hurricane, and get
some bearings. Taking a few days by yourself at a motel,
or a friend's house, or the local YWCA shelter are all
options. You're not leaving him by doing so, just taking
a break from the turmoil so that you can get some ground
under your feet again.
Regarding the support group that his ex goes to,
there's another option. Let her know that you don't feel
comfortable for the reasons you mentioned, and go to one
meeting, and see if you can find SOMEONE in the group to
share with outside the group setting. Preferably someone
that seems to have made it thru a fair amount of recovery
work on their own. Trying to deal with your situation
alone in healthy ways is next to impossible. It's bigger
right now than you are. That's what surrender is all
about, and why 12 step programs emphasises surrender so
much. If you had a broken leg, you wouldn't have the
tools to treat that yourself either. It's not because
you're not "strong enough"; it simply means you
haven't gained the experience yet to handle such a
situation.
Emma, there are very definite reasons why you were
attracted to a sex addict. Your line about your
imperfections "dovetailing" probably has a lot
more truth than you realize. It doesn't make you a
"bad" person. Whatever is fuelling such
attractions is very likely hidden well in your
subconscious. I would heartily recommend picking up any
books you can - whether from bookstores or the library -
that deal with the partners of addicts. If there aren't
any on sexual addiction, pretty well any addiction will
give you lots of insight. In my life, the flavour of ice
cream may be different, but it's still ice cream.
AS much as you might hate to hear this, his addiction
is the best chance you have of discovering what guides
you inside to destructive relationships. If you can
accept this, then it becomes easier to take the focus off
of what he's doing, and begin looking inside for what YOU
need to heal, that would have remained hidden (and
continued to hurt you) if this addict hadn't entered your
life. That doesn't mean you have to condone what he's
doing, or be a doormat. It simply means recognizing that
your current situation can either be a prison, or a
doorway to inner healing - depending on how you use it.
When we "run" away from a relationship, we
don't gain the lessons it's trying to teach us, and the
odds are we run right into another one that eventually
ends up being even worse. When we are able to
"walk" away from a relationship guided by a
solid calm feeling from our inner voice, it's a very good
indication that we've gained what we needed to from that
relationship. Getting to a time where we can
"walk" is excruciating painful at times, and
often demands every ounce of energy that we can give to
our recovery. But because it's US that we're focusing on
healing, powerful and very positive changes happen inside
us during that period.
When I was going thru my toughest times in our
marriage, I got "out" as much as I needed to,
but remained committed to learning the lessons the
relationship was trying to teach me. It was very much a
trial and error process, and I battled constant doubt
over whether I was making the "right" choices.
There's no right or wrong choice for you here, as far
as leaving or staying. Each one has it's pros and cons.
If you can focus as much as you can on the question
"how much do I want to GAIN in inner happiness and
healing from my struggles in this situation", you
give yourself the best chances of making choices that
bring you to a better place in the future.
There are a few others contributing to this forum that
have more personal experience dealing with a partner's
sex addiction than I do (my main experience is trying to
heal and understand my own sexual dysfunctions and
compulsions). I hope you find the support you're looking
for from them, and others that you reach out to. Hope
something here helps a little. And a gentle reminder,
these are my best guesses, so please take what you like
and leave the rest. Lots of huggggs.
From: Prism
Dear Emma, How dare this man violate your trust. I
don't care who he is or how "ill" he is. You
are an honest and caring person and how dare he deceive
you like he did. You do NOT owe this man anything. You
owe yourself to be rid of this person before he sucks the
life out of you. You don't have to settle for anything
less than the best, Emma. Get out and surround yourself
with healthy people, therapy and self-care.
I was in your shoes several months ago and found out
my husband is an alcoholic. We dated a year and he never
touched a drop (around me), until AFTER we got married.
Sure, I went to the support groups for partners, etc.
They all told me the same thing...get out now or live a
life like they are living and that was to settle for less
than what I deserve or wanted. We are in separate
bedrooms while the papers are being negotiated. I am
getting restitution for what I spent on the wedding, my
move, loss of pay and a cushion while I get back on my
feet - and I will. I have never felt as strong or as
empowered as a woman as I do right now and that's only
because I am no longer the caretaker, the enabler, the
victim. He will have to go through whatever it is he
elects to go through and get help from others.
Because the creep LIED to you, YOU should suffer? NO
WAY! YOU are number one, YOU come first, YOU are the most
important person in the world! Take yourself away from
that unhealthy person, that unhealthy environment, and
don't trust so easily! Remember, he tricked you into
marriage....he lied....will continue to lie.....YOU
DESERVE BETTER!
From: Susan
Dear Emma, I am one of the folks that Bernd referred
to who has first hand experience with living with an SA
(sex addict). I want SSSSOOOOO badly to tell you to get
out of there NOW, go home, get an annulment and forget
you ever knew him, BUT, I know it is not that easy !! I
am here for you, another 'regular' here is Cindi.
I am attaching excerpts from an e-mail I recently sent
to a support group on-line to those of us who are living
and struggling with an SA. The subject actually was a
question by a fellow member asking if we would marry them
again, if we knew then what we know now. Many of the
group said 'Yes', and many of us said no. Just so you
know where I stand:
Yes, it did bring out all my old issues, and yes, I am
more aware of them and am working on them. Yes, I am in
recovery and grateful that I have found out my problems
and have such wonderful support to get me through it.
BUT, did I need to see and experience all that, did I
need to spend the rest of my life with those
"images" in my head, did I need to spend the
rest of my life worrying about my step-daughters and
their safety, did I need to have my self-esteem shredded
and beaten down even more ????? NO.....I surely did
not!!!!!
The excerpt: ".....but knowing what I know now do
I want to spend the rest of my life: trying" not to
worry about his next slip', trying" not to worry
about what he is doing or who he is doing it with,
trying" not to snoop' through my own home, putting
net-nanny" on his computer, trying" not to
watch every move and every gesture he makes toward his
daughters, trying" not to worry about getting some
fatal disease like aids. a damn lot of trying",
something I see too often in all of us. by trying"
not to do so many things we are constantly stuffed into
the SA world. I choose to stop trying". I am worth
more than that, I deserve a life where I don't have to
even worry about trying" to stay out of someone
else's addiction. whether I succeeded in staying out of
his addiction or not I would always know I had to
consciously try" to stay out!!!! no, I truly believe
that I can live a better life than that, that I deserve a
better life free from the constant stress and fear."
There are several good books you can read to get some
idea of what you are dealing with. Just remember there is
no cure for an addiction, it is always progressive if not
treated CORRECTLY, and all addictions CAN be fatal - this
one too !!!! If you need more info, or just an
understanding person to vent to, please feel free to
e-mail me. Hugs and Prayers.
From: Cindi
{{{{{{{{{Emma}}}}}}}}} I felt that you could use the
hugs. I have just ended a 6 year relationship with a
sexaholic. Just remember that as serious as his disease
is, you need to take care of you. I am a codependent and
this is the second sexaholic I have chosen. My disease
can be very dangerous. It is possible to lose all your
feelings of worth, to take the blame for things he does
(you are not responsible for anything he does), it is
easy to get depressed and sometimes even suicidal.
Make sure you get plenty of sleep, eat well and tell
yourself everyday that you are a precious person. A very
dear friend told me to read "Women Who Love
Sexaholics". It was one of the best things I could
have done. I have also joined an on line group for family
and friends of sexaholics. I am now looking for a group
in the town I just moved to. You are not alone. Lots of
Love.
From: Emma
Thank you all for your kind comments and concern. J
and I had a loving sweet evening together. Then, a couple
hours after we went to bed he got up and turned on the
computer. He went online. I laid there and debated on how
to handle it. How much do I want to be his policeman? Not
at all.... After about 15 minutes the dog insisted that I
get up to let him out. I sat on the back steps watching
the dog do his thing for about 10 mins. when I came back
in J was working on Microsoft Money..... I did ask him
why he went online...... Now he is in bed sleeping, and I
am wide awake. If he truly wants to change, I don't want
to poison his efforts with suspicions, yet I need to be
realistic too..... Thanks for listening. Thanks for your
prayers. As for leaving him, I will if I need to. But if
he is willing to fight his problem..... I understand that
all the work to be done on HIS addiction is HIS decision.
As for my own problems. I can see now that those 4 years
and thousands of dollars I spent on counselling have not
been enough... I thought they had..... I certainly do
have issues that effect my choices... Before this I was
single for 21 years. I raised my daughter alone. I have
not hopped in and out of relationships..... Thanks again
for being here to listen.
From: Bernd
Emma, If you're beating yourself up at all about the
years and dollars "wasted" in counselling,
don't. The therapy profession has many undiagnosed
codependents, who use their "knowledge" to try
and "fix" others, while still in denial about
their own need for recovery. I've seen many people
experience deep disillusionment over their therapy
experiences, making it even harder to have hope that
there is way out of the swamp. We go to therapists
because we're trying to heal, and THEY'RE the ones who
believe they have the ability to help us (reinforced by
their degrees and education). How on earth could WE -
without their "education" - be a judge of
whether or not their therapy approach was really what we
needed? After all, we are paying THEM, not vice versa.
I'm not saying your therapist wasn't good. I don't
know how good, or ineffectual he/she was. But whatever
he/she DIDN'T do in getting to root issues, don't blame
yourself if you're tempted to do so. I went thru 4
therapists in my life that really didn't get to my core
struggles, until I finally found one that reached deep
inside me in ways I needed. He was able to do so, because
he had gone thru - and was still going thru - such a
process in his own lifelong recovery work. I just wanted
to say those things.
From: Susan
Shoot.... ONLY 4 ! I've been though 8 !!!! and finally
found a therapist with some common sense as well as
having worked through her own issues. Emma, hang in
there. We are here if you need us.
From: Lynda
After I wiped my tears from reading your post...my
first reaction was GET OUT OF THERE! I think it came from
a protective side of me that doesn't want another woman
to feel the pain I went through in my 40 years.
{hugggggs} You have some decisions to make and they are
YOURS to make. None will be easy, but with the reaching
out you are doing...hopefully we and others can be a
shoulder or pair of arms to wrap around you as you search
for answers. There is no judging here Emma.. only love
and safety. Please, if you can email Susan do so, and try
to get on live chat with us sometime soon. By sharing
pain you lessen it by half:). Big Huggggggs.
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