 Addiction - confused
Has anyone here been in a marriage with an addict? I
have been married for 8 years to my husband who is
addicted to marijuana. We have a son that is 4 and a
daughter that is 8 weeks. Ever since my daughter was born
I am having a very hard time being patient with the
addiction. It is very open to him about how I feel about
the addiction. My husband is a very good man but has a
very bad habit. A habit that I don't feel I can live with
much longer. Is there anyone out there that has been in a
similar situation?
 From: Bernd
Hi Confused, Many marriages have addiction as a
struggle inside them, by one partner or the other -
whether it’s booze, drugs, work, sex, gambling, or
many other types. The “non-addicted” partner -
while seeming to be the “normal” one, usually
has their own co-addictive struggles that mirror the
addict’s addiction.
These co-addictive struggles include: - wanting the
partner to change, or stop their addiction - putting up
with unacceptable behavior in hopes that such
“acceptance” will help change their partner
thru “love”. - becoming angry at their partner,
and giving ultimatums for their partner to choose between
stopping their addiction, or having the relationship end.
- trying to control their partner’s addiction by
searching for the drugs, snooping, controlling, and other
tactics.
What happens is that the addict usually stays addicted
to their drug, and the co-addict becomes addicted to
making the addict stop. And as you’ve discovered,
it’s an unwinnable fight. Addiction is a disease,
not a habit. Until we’re prepared to accept it as a
disease - just like diabetes is a disease - freedom from
its clutches is almost impossible, for both the addict
and the co-addict.
One of the most baffling parts of this disease is that
it twists the addicts mind into believing they can
CONTROL their addiction, even when it’s clear to
everyone else that they can’t. You can’t cure
it, you can’t control it, you didn’t cause it.
So what can you do?
You can begin finding out what drives you inside to
search out a partner who is an addict, and who very
likely was an addict the first day you met him (although
he may have hidden it well, or have been abstaining for a
while). I’d strongly recommend finding out as much
as you can about drug addiction and coaddiction; in my
opinion, one of the best sources of help will be
Narcotics Anonymous, a 12 step program for drug addicts.
They should be able to guide you to support groups and
resources for partners of addicts. I found that Al-Anon
(for anyone whose life has been affected by another
person’s drinking) was a lifesaver for me.
I’d also recommend picking up any books you can
on codependency (see the Relationship Resources page). If
you do some searching in these areas, I think you’ll
find choices and insights that help you get much more of
the kind of life you deserve, and help you LET the addict
find his way to the “bottom” he needs to hit by
himself, to become ready to reach out for help of his
own. Here are a few links to start you off: http://www1.shore.net/~tcfraser/otherrec.htm
and http://www.users.cts.com/crash/e/elmo/recovr.htm
It’s a difficult and confusing thing to deal
with, but it’s not impossible to find some answers
that really DO make a difference in your life. Good luck.
You have plenty of company out there.
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