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 Difficulties - SMB
Why is it that my SO and I can't have a
conversation/argument without getting sidetracked onto
other issues. Typical scenario is that I get upset about
something he has done/said/not done and confront him.
Instead of responding to the question/problem at hand he
brings up some other issue. This of course sets me off
and I end up reacting to his accusation. I don't want to
say that the new issue is irrelevant, as it must be
important to him or he wouldn't bring it up right? Or is
he trying to divert the attention from himself? Things
clearly start to escalate and we both say things we don't
mean. I know this is probably the most common occurrence
on the planet. And I want to find some way to avoid it in
the future. I want to hear his concerns and the things
that bug him. The only way I can try to "fix"
them is if I know what they are. But what about my
issues? How do I approach them with him? Do I wait until
I am no longer mad so as to avoid putting him on the
defensive? But then what about what I am feeling?
I can't just ignore it and pretend that everything is
hunky dory. This communication problem is really going to
get the better of us, I am afraid. Yesterday, he drove me
to the point where I had to leave for awhile. When I went
back to his house (and am I catching heck from my friends
for going back at all, they all think that I should break
up with him) I felt better about me and my space and what
I needed. It was the first time I allowed myself that
"time-out". I was confident that I could stand
up to him and tell him that there was certain behavior I
was not going to tolerate. If things couldn't be
different, then I was not going to stay and our
relationship would be over. He was very apologetic. Said
that he was afraid that I wasn't going to come back. That
he owed me a huge apology, etc. etc. I told him that I
didn't want his apologies. I wanted action. I guess one
of the details that I am leaving out is that he had been
drinking and when he gets like that he becomes even that
much more irrational. He says really hurtful things that
I know he doesn't mean, but they still hurt. I know that
I need to separate myself from that behavior. The
drinking isn't going to stop (I don't think he is an
alcoholic necessarily but maybe). I can't change him. I
know he loves me a great deal and maybe the thought of
losing me will be enough. Part of me doubts it. Are my
friends right? Should I just leave him now? I think that
he deserves a chance at least. And I don't think that I
at the point where I feel like I have made every possible
effort. I love him and truly believe that he is the one
for me.
Any thoughts that anyone has on trying to make
improvements would be most appreciated. I know it has to
be a 2 way street and I can't fix everything. Though I
too am guilty of trying to make everyone else happy over
myself. But I am getting better. I have drawn the line in
the sand so to speak. I hate the thought of losing him. I
hope he can prove to me that he is worthy of my love.
 From: Bernd
There are a few sandtraps that I'd like to bring your
attention to.
1/ You said "I can't change him", but in
your confrontations, you are unwittingly trying to
accomplish just that. He is getting the message loud and
clear that if he doesn't make the changes you want, he
won't be "worthy" of your love. Think back to
how you felt as a child, when your parents likely gave
you the clear message that if you "misbehaved"
you'd get punishment, instead of love from them. (And as
much as our parents might tell us they punish us because
they "love" us, it doesn't ring or feel true to
a child, because punishment ISN'T love).
That doesn't mean you should be a doormat, or accept
unacceptable behaviour. But there's a difference between
behavior you don't like, and behavior directed at you
that isn't good for you. For example, his drinking isn't
"about you", and as much as you don't like how
it affects the amount of closeness you want to feel with
him, you pretty well have total freedom in what you chose
to do about it, in regards to your well-being. An example
of doormat stuff, on the other hand, would be him taking
out his own problems on you by getting pissed at you for
"looking at him the wrong way". When his
behavior is directed at you, to dump on you, or to try to
control you, that's a good indicator that it's time to
check inside and with others what you are willing to
accept, and what you aren't.
To me, finding the difference between those two kinds
of "behavior" is important.
2/ You used the word "confront" when you
mentioned talking to him. Confrontation, by it's nature,
is an aggressive action. Our defenses go up
automatically, and without realizing it, we do whatever
we can to get the confronter to back off, to protect
ourselves emotionally. My guess is you learned to use
confrontation as a coping mechanism long before this
relationship ever happened, and it got results often
enough to keep you using it. In relationships, and in
life, we get more of what we want quicker and with less
struggle by being solution focused, and by tapping into
our ability to seek solutions with patience and a firm
desire for win/win. For example, instead of saying
"I'm tired of doing all the housework, and you
leaving a mess around here all the time"
(confrontational), a more productive route might be
"I've got a problem I hope you can help me with. I
feel like I'm doing more than my share of housework, and
I hate feeling that way, and I don't know how to solve
it. I'd really like your thoughts. I want to find a
solution that works great for both of us". When he
does give his thoughts, it's VERY important that you
listen, and rephrase what you're hearing, and every once
in a while, tell him what you think he said, to make sure
you understood him. For example, he might say "well
geez, you're so picky about every little thing. I mean, a
house gotta be LIVED in". In telling him what you
think you heard, you might calmly say "I'm hearing
you feel I'm too picky about the housework". As much
as you might be tempted to jump in and show him how
"wrong" his viewpoint might be, don't. You
can't find solutions you're both comfortable with until
you truly understand where each other is coming from, and
see the problem thru each other's eyes, as well as your
own.
Besides listening, ask him - once he's done talking -
to listen to you in the same way, and repeat back what
he's heard so that YOU can get a sense of how well he's
hearing and understanding your words. If he jumps to the
defensive, resist the urge to start arguing. Maybe try
something like "I hear you. Can we talk more about
that once I've finished sharing my thoughts?"
It's my belief that any of us, as human beings, want
LESS struggles in our lives. He will want to find
solutions as much as you do, but he WON'T want to feel as
if "he's the problem". The more you can
acknowledge your part in any struggles, and share the
responsibility of being "part of the problem",
the more likely he'll take his half of both the problem,
and working on solutions. For example, it may be
"his" problem that he's messy, but it's equally
"your" problem that it aggravates you. After
all, his messiness doesn't aggravate him, so why should
it aggravate you? And vice versa, you don't have
difficulty with being tidy, why should he? You both have
different perspectives, and it's those perspectives that
are really at the root of the conflict.
3/ The alcohol. Even though he may not be an
"alcoholic", regular drinking has an insidious
impact on any relationship. It adds a difficult source of
conflict, and it creates barriers to intimacy, which is
an important ingredient of good communication. You really
have as much chance of working on win/win solutions with
him while he's drinking, as you would while he's
sleeping. Except, when he's drinking, he's able to talk.
Timing is key. Talk when you have the best chances of
clear sober communication with him. If his drinking is
adding problems to your relationship (in your opinion),
I'd strongly recommend getting involved in Al-anon,
either online or in real life (there's a bunch of web
sites with resources). Al-anon isn't just for partners of
alcoholics; it's for anyone who has been or is being
affected by someone else's drinking. Alcohol is like
second-hand smoke; even tho you might not be the one
sticking it in your mouth, if you're close to it, you're
affected.
4/ Getting him to change. One of the paradoxes about
love is that we can't change anyone but ourselves, but in
the process of changing ourselves, we change others - by
our example - if we don't TRY to change them. If you want
your partner to look at and change his faults and
imperfections, the only way to accomplish this is to
focus on looking at and changing your own. That process
gives us a whole new perspective into our partner's
faults, because if we discover how difficult that process
is for ourselves. We understand in a new way how equally
difficult it is for our partner, and realize that our
efforts to have our partner change made it even HARDER
for them to change what they wanted and needed to. They
were so busy trying to defend themselves from our
attacks, that they didn't have a lot of energy left over
to do some serious searching inside themselves.
That's my thoughts and guesses for now. Hope you get
some insight from others as well. Good luck!
From: wolfie
Hi there!!! I feel that communication is one of the
toughest things to master in regards to relationships. I
feel many relationships deteriorate and or end because of
a lack of communication and/or no tools as to HOW to
communicate. I will share a communication Tool which has
helped us and it is practically identical to what Bernd
said. Ken Keyes, who is a great author, shared this:
Instead of talking right away, or catching anyone off
guard or still being in our anger, etc., what you do is
set up an appointment to talk when you can both be
present. I think it works wonders when you set up the
appointment instead of going right INTO it when the other
partner may not be in the space or whatever to deal with
it at that time - and maybe you're too angry and/or
reactive to deal with it lovingly. So first thing, set up
an appointment. Then One person talks and shares
feelings. The other person promises to say NOTHING - just
listens. And instead of saying anything like "YOU
make me feel this way" ..instead you say, "this
is how I feel." After you are done talking, your
partner repeats what you just said. i.e. "let me
see, it sounds as if you are saying that you feel
anger....pain....etc. etc." Now Roles are switched
and your partner shares while you listen and when your
partner is done, you repeat back what you heard. You are
then being a friend, listening, and it forces you both to
see the other view. You can be better able to be more
compassionate and nurturing and together you can find
solutions to the issues. The whole process can also help
you both become more aware - can help you both really dig
at the roots to what is really going on. What issues it
is really bringing up for you both. And I feel it helps
you both become more compassionate....and if we are
compassionate and loving to our partner, we are really
being compassionate and loving to ourself - for we are
all mirrors and we are all one. I hope this helps.
From: Whitey
Does it help to say that you are not alone? Just be
very aware and realistic about your SO. I would seek
professional counsel at this point. Each of you may need
to look within yourself before you can communicate
together in harmony. After 12 yrs with my spouse, I have
the same problem except that my spouse had a drinking
problem(which tends to mask reality), so I have taken it
a step further and seek professional help. My spouse is
sober now, but let me tell you it is a constant struggle.
I am still dealing with past angers and frustrations that
I cannot forget. What you did by walking out is give you
both time to cool off and hopefully return to it to
resolve it. If he looses track of the issue, get him back
on it. Try not to discuss when tired. Find a quiet time
to sit together without TV. Write one issue at a time on
paper or a blackboard/easel. Agree on some rules and
guidelines like resolve the one issue before moving on to
the next. Stick to the rules you both established and
agreed upon. Find an outlet for your frustration and
anger -- like write or listen to soft music, paint, draw,
watch a movie by yourself. Watch out for signs of
alcoholism, active alcoholics are very good at
manipulating and diverting then blaming. If your SO is an
active alcoholic, run to the yellow phone book and grab a
hold of an AlAnon phone number and get yourself to as
many meetings as you can even if he is not willing to get
help(though most will eventually). Today I am grateful
for the Alanon programs in many ways. Above all you have
to take care of yourself.
From: smb
Reading your response is like seeing the light at the
end of the tunnel. It is true that I have been trying to
change his behavior and adding to the struggle by making
a huge deal out of the drinking. This, in all likelihood,
makes him drink that much more. When it isn't the
drinking itself that bothers me so much, it's how he
behaves/treats me when he has had a few too many. Maybe
that is a better issue to address. He is as free to do
what he wants as I am. And I decide what I am going to
put with. Stepping back and looking at how he reacts to
what I say and do is so enlightening. I now see that
often times I back him in a corner and then wonder why
things deteriorate so rapidly.
What you and others have suggested is really what we
need--to have an honest heart-to-heart conversation about
all of these issues. We need some time and space to do
some soul searching. But most importantly we need to
learn to communicate better and on a new level. He is as
tired as I at our spats and differences. I have faith
that between the two of us we can focus on some solutions
and move forward in our relationship. I thank you for
opening my eyes and helping me to get on the path of
bettering myself. I welcome the challenge that I now
face. It is indeed true what you say Bernd, that whatever
is happening in our relationship is exactly what we need
to have happen. I have become so much more self confident
since accessing this page that I find it remarkable. Its
as if a light has finally been turned on and I am no
longer stumbling in the dark. A million thanks to you and
everyone else here for their kind words of support. And
thanks too for the daily reminders on how to improve
ourselves.
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