 Fear of Being Alone - Claudia
Hi, For those of you who have read my previous
postings you know that I am in the midst of divorce
proceedings. I await a response from my husband's lawyer
regarding the "concessions" that I agreed to
for settlement. At this point I will not consider any
further changes and if he refuses to sign the papers this
time I will take the case to court. His mental state is
becoming increasingly unstable and I fear that he may
cross the line into incompetency if matters aren't
resolved soon.
I made the decision that I could no longer be part of
a marriage that existed on paper only 16 months ago and
my children (age 17 and 14) moved to my Mother's house
where we lived for 6 months. After I had been at my Mom's
for 3 mos. I met a man that has been part of my world
since that time. Our relationship has grown in depth over
12 months and we are now "engaged" even though
I am as yet not legally divorced. Both this man and I
have childhood issues that need to be addressed and we
started couple's counseling 3 mos. ago. I am becoming
increasingly triggered it seems into feelings of
abandonment and fear that have no real connection to the
reality of the relationship that we share. He also
struggles with the gift of love that we have been given.
It seems that lately we are experiencing many instances
of insecurity concerning our union. So far we have been
able to discuss what happens after the fact but I am
concerned about the feelings of abandonment that we both
struggle with.
I cannot speak for Tom, but for myself at times I
react from dysfunctional self messages that tell me I am
unworthy of love and incapable of real loving. I think
that I paint myself into an all or nothing, black and
white world but I am not sure. My fear is that I will
lose what Tom and I have because I am so fearful of
losing it... self fulfilling prophesy? He fears the same
thing for himself and we find ourselves swimming in our
own fears. We have discussed the idea that we are living
for the outcome rather than enjoying the journey which
robs us of the wonderful experience of love that we have
been gifted to share. I must admit for myself that
because I am still "legally" married I struggle
at times with feelings of guilt for the intensity of our
union. In my heart I find assurance that Tom and I are
placed together through God's hand but in my dysfunction
I feel unworthy of such a beautiful love.
Does any of this connect so that you can offer
thoughts or suggestions? It is hard to tell whether I am
making sense when I can only see a portion of my posting
at a time. Thank you any that respond to my ramblings.
Perhaps if I have not hit the true nature of my struggle
we can get there together.
 From: Bernd
Here are some of my guesses Claudia. I think the fears
of abandonment are TRIGGERS, not “causes” of
your “dysfunctional” reactions. Remember what
you have been praying for - wholeness and healing. You
can’t turn something over to God unless you’re
aware you possess it first. It feels to me that what is
happening is very HEALTHY, and your soul - by letting
your fears come to your consciousness - is using that
fear to bring old buried pain, hurt and panic that are
tied up in other issues (beside abandonment) to your
attention. You don’t have to FIX these things, you
simply have to surrender them, accept them, and let God
take it from there.
The pain you feel isn’t the pain of accepting -
it’s the pain of struggling, and doubt. It takes a
big leap of faith to do “nothing” and simply
turn over your imperfections to God, but that’s
exactly how the miracle works. It defies logic until you
realize that it’s your logic that was twisted in
circles as a child (and also as an adult). How can you
use a twisted hand mirror to see yourself accurately?
Embrace the fear, bless it as a gift, and the
transformations will happen from there. From my
perspective, nothing could give you greater understanding
of your partner’s struggles - and more empathy -
than living thru the same kind of fears that he’s
experiencing. God knows you aren’t willing to settle
for carrying a half bag of shit - you want him to take it
all away. He’s working on just doing just that, but
because each stage is a new experience, it’s
frightening, because it’s a constant test of faith
and inner voice over “logic”. If you can take
the leap of faith to look at EVERYTHING inside you -
including the fear and your imperfections - as blessings,
I think it will take you closer to where you want to go.
And just a reminder - the reason your imperfections are
blessings in ways you might not yet realize, is that when
someone like “Frightened” is going thru what
she’s going thru, those “imperfections”
give you an intimate understanding of what she’s
going thru. You can help guide her thru the path, because
you know every footstep of that path yourself.
The greatest happiness isn’t the absence of pain;
it’s the miracle of helping someone else transform
their pain into joy. My thoughts, anyway.
From: wolfie
Dearest Claudia, YES, of course I can relate!!! Having
something so wonderful can bring up all of those little
voices that say I am not worthy of love, I am bad, I
deserve pain and punishment, etc. etc. etc. I can totally
relate!!! I have self destructed many times in my
relationship and have almost allowed those beliefs to win
at times. The key is Awareness and it sounds as if you
are very Aware!!! The thing to remember is this: we are
not those voices. We are spiritual beings (whole,
complete, perfect) having a HUMAN experience. Your
awareness is key: now you can start to change the beliefs
that want to run your life. What helps me is prayer,
meditation and affirmations. Louise Hayes has wonderful
affirmations! It is a process and it takes time and you
are right, it is a journey. And the key is learning who
you really a beautiful, loving, accepting, deserving of
all that is good, a beautiful child of God, full of love
and light, etc. What we focus on, becomes are reality. If
you focus on what you want, instead of what you don't
want, it becomes your reality. I see beautiful things
happening with you. Your awareness that you both have and
your communication that you share is key to a beautiful
journey together. You are not alone - ever - you are
filled with Spirit, love and light! I can relate with
your feelings and you know what? It's totally ok! Love to
you! You are beautiful.
From: wolfie
It's me again! And I agree with Bernd! It IS beautiful
that these feelings are coming up so that they can be
healed and transformed. When I talk about self
destruction, I am not saying that this is what you are
all doing. I am saying that, because of my hidden beliefs
of unworthiness and self hatred, I have at times done
hurtful things - not so much consciously but
subconsciously. I have at times allowed my hidden beliefs
to run my life. anyway, when I share this stuff, I am
strictly talking about me. I agree with Bernd in that it
IS a beautiful part of the journey - it is wonderful when
our deep seeded fears and beliefs come up - that is WHY
they are coming up - it is time for them to be healed.
It's like, Thank GOD for our SO! Because he is in my
life, all of these fears and beliefs and how I really
feel about myself, comes up. It is wonderful and an
incredible opportunity to HEAL AND FEEL and transcend our
self-limiting beliefs. LOTS OF LOVE TO YOU.
From: Susan
Claudia, I have been reading the posts the last couple
of days with a sense of being thrown into the Twilight
Zone!!!!!!! And your comment about self-fulfilling
prophecies REALLY got me going... I visited a friend
recently, someone I had not actually "had time"
to sit down and talk to for quite a while. Naturally she
was very concerned about my upcoming divorce. So we
discussed it at great length. BOY, talk about
co-dependence - I was the poster-girl!!!
1) I was afraid to tell her the "truth"
because I was afraid she would be too shocked and worried
for me.
2) (THIS one really hurts!) I realized I had
completely shut myself off from all my friends to protect
??either them or me??, I am not sure which. THE ONLY
REASON (or so I believed at the time!) I called her and
we got together was because my Ex told me I had no
friends, that I was too sick and stupid and bitchy to
keep ANYONE in my life - friend or otherwise !!!! This
from a sex-addict, for God's sake......
3) As we talked, she looked right at me and said,
"Suzi, I know the greatest fear you have in your
life (been friends for 15-16 years) is that you will be
'old, fat, ugly and alone-forever' ". I used to
almost chant that, it was my mantra for most of my life
!!!!!
I wanted to get up and run right out of the room!!!!
That statement sounded so PITIFUL!! But I didn't run, I
just sat there with tears in my eyes because for so long
it was TRUE. That was exactly how I felt. That is how
damnably strong the fear of abandonment and loneliness
was in my life.
Now, there I was - in a miserable marriage with a very
sick, emotionally unavailable man - shutting myself off
from all my friends and family - trying to protect
everyone else BUT ME. I gained weight, let myself go
physically, and locked my self up in the most emotionally
empty relationship imaginable. I WAS fulfilling the
"prophesy" !!! My mantra had done it's job,
that's for sure.........I was literally becoming all the
things I feared the most - old, fat, ugly and alone.
Fortunately, I have begun my recovery and was able to
see that I have already come ALLOOONNNGG way from that
pitiful creature I used to be. But, the process is only
beginning, and I am getting excited to see where it will
take me!!!! Not so much fear in me, at least I am
beginning to find the joy in discovery!!
I am seeing some very good things here for the past
few days ( and always!). Things that directly address my
most deeply held fears - abandonment, loneliness, a sense
of unworthiness, and being 'unlovable' (because if I
cannot love myself, I also cannot love others or receive
love *from* others). I think one of Bernd's lightening
bolts, or Robert's cosmic baseball bats has been at
work!!!! Brings home the truth of the statement "
you ARE where you need to be"... Thanks to all of
you, your sharing has helped me immensely !!!!!
From: Claudia
I remember the song, "Breaking Up Is Hard to
Do" Growing Up is harder!!!!!! Being mature means
being responsible for my own self. Feelings,
communication of needs, self honesty, other
consideration, on and on and on...
I am aware that I am on a journey, I have traveled the
road for a few 24 hours now. It is almost funny in a way
that each time I am faced with a new situation that
requires a change in thinking or acting I seem to forget
the miracles that have been part of this trip. The good
news is that my memory lapses are getting shorter and I
am more able to pull up the boot straps with a little
help from my friends. I am even able at times to share my
experience strength and hope in a way that illumines the
path for others.
I have become more and more aware the past couple of
months that I have always been someone's daughter,
girlfriend, wife, mother... Somewhere along the trail I
side stepped myself and am not real sure about who
Claudia is. Times of complete solitude are uncomfortable
a lot and I fall back into little girl feelings and
fears. I know I am facing many many changes these past
three years especially, the latest really becoming
responsible for my own life path. Why is it do you think
that with so many real experiences of being able to take
care of myself I struggle so hard at times? Could it be
because I have never done it as Claudia and not as an
appendage of someone else???? Is it possible to do it in
relationship? Can two people, both with similar injuries
and fears do it together?
Pride almost keeps me from posting this truth of mine.
Desire for wholeness moves my fingers. Thanks for your
best guesses.
From: Bernd
I believe we can find ourselves in a relationship. In
fact, I think having such "in our face" mirrors
give us the best chances to see ourselves clearly and
honestly, including the tremendous magic and love we
carry inside, which is often obscured by the mud of fear
and past pain. Even monks have other monks who they live
with daily, and give each other their examples and the
gift of their own mirrors. Being my children's' father
has helped me see that very kind of relationship in
myself. I am my inner children's father, and when I let
myself be a child, I am my adult's son. Every
relationship I have with people outside of me gives me a
reflection of the many kinds of relationships I have with
myself, many of which I've never realized, or explored.
I believe two people with similar fears and injuries
can do it together. I also believe two people with
seemingly opposite fears can also do it together. I've
found that we share so much in our essential beings, that
such uniqueness and sameness exist all the time in any
relationship. No two snowflakes are alike, but they are
all snowflakes. No matter who I'm in a relationship with
- whether it's as a friend, or more intimate - there will
always be a balance of common threads and differences.
All those are gifts to me, should I choose to accept
them. And based on past experience, I don't have the
wisdom to know which gift has more value than another.
Only my inner voice can give me that guidance, and when I
follow it, I find the gifts of highest value, which helps
THEM also find the gifts of highest value from me, from
themselves, and from their Higher Power. Those are my
guesses.
From: Claudia
I believe all that you say too Bernd. Tom and I have
been gifted with something beautiful. The fact that I am
going through so many life changes in the midst of an
intimate, wonderful relationship makes the energy that I
am provided with split in many areas, at times all at
once. It is hard but I believe in my own ability to make
it through the maze. Tom must find his way through too
but we are both committed to knowing the self through the
mirror that you speak of. The messages and triggers from
the past bring up feelings, not fact. Questioning is good
and necessary. I am where I am supposed to be today. This
too shall pass...
From: Claudia
Hi. I have been involved in a whirlwind of emotional
upheaval since Sunday. This morning at 9:30 I meet with
my lawyer. My worst nightmare fear has come true. I
received a latter from my husband's lawyer saying that he
has sent him for an evaluation. He stated in his letter
that this would have a negative impact on my financial
status !. because we are not LEGALLY separated and 2.)
because I did not add him to my insurance through work.
My fear has been that after working as hard as I have to
move forward and create a healthy, secure life for my
children and myself that his illness would stand in the
way. I do not know at this time what I am facing but my
plan is to tell my own lawyer that I am not willing to
stand by any longer and that I want this matter settled
in court. I have tried to be fair and patient so that we
could settle with as little financial burden and
emotional trauma as possible but I guess that I finally
realize when up against mental illness there is no room
for time in these matters. I will let you know what I
find out this morning I would just ask that right now you
join me in prayer. Thank you for your love and insight, I
don't intend to let this one get the best of me either.
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