 Friend's boyfriend - anonymous
my friend's boyfriend treat's her like crap in my
eyes, and I think that she should dump him cause she's
having a hard time with it. I wrote her a letter about
him saying how he should have more respect for her. well
after she read it she put it away and told her boyfriend
not to read it and did he listen, no not at all he read
it and now he wants to beat the crap out of me. I knew
from the beginning that he would try to control her. I
want to know why and how things like this start so that I
can help her out. my friend and I both know that he does
drugs and when he's high he's always yelling at her. she
told me that it won't last long cause he's starting to
freak her out and she can't handle it. I'm a very caring
and understanding person. but I know that God will take
care of it but I want to make it easy on my friend cause
one day if he gets mad he's liable to hurt her or kills
her I'll kill him before he's out the door of his house.
please write me and tell me how to make it easy on me and
on my friend thank you
 From: Bernd
Your posting doesn't say whether you're male or
female. If male, it's going to make her choice a lot
harder, because she would likely be struggling over guilt
feelings of dumping him because of another guy (even if
you are just her "friend"). I'll give you my
best guesses, and remind you that only you can decide
what rings true, and what doesn't.
There's a difference between being a victim, and a
volunteer. Unless her boyfriend is using physical or
mental coercion to keep her, she is staying because she
feels she SHOULD stay. Why? Often, partners of addicts
are driven by a subconscious need to have their love
transform the addict, to bring out the "hidden"
wonderful person inside. There is a constant hope that
one day their partner will change, and the relationship
will change as well to a true loving relationship. They
also identify with the struggle the addict is going thru
with inside pain. They see the hurt terrified little
child under the mask their partner wears, and they can
identify - because they have their own hurt terrified
child inside them. "If only he/she could see how
much I love them" is a thought that runs thru their
mind often.
My reading of this situation is that there are 3
addictive processes at work. Her boyfriend is addicted to
drugs, his girlfriend is addicted to trying to change
him, and you're addicted to trying to get this girl to
leave him. This drug addict is EXACTLY what you both
needed in your lives right now to become aware of your
own struggles with trying to control the uncontrollable.
Because addiction is a progressive and ultimately
fatal disease, yes, it IS likely that her situation - and
your relationship with her - will generate even more
turmoil as time goes on. And what you said about the
chances of someone dying ring true - the triangle you're
in becomes more and more like a tornado, increasing the
chances that someone will get WAY out of control.
The less control we feel over our own lives, the more
we try to seek that control in other ways - including
drugs, and trying to get other people to do what we want.
My best stab at this is:
- get some help for YOURSELF from others who are
familiar with codependency, and ask them to help you find
out what you can do that will truly help your friend, and
what is actually feeding the tornado you're all in.
Outside insight is essential.
- try and take as big of leap of faith as you can, and
look at this situation as something that your friend
needs to deal with HERSELF. Sharing your thoughts and
your views may be helpful, but what is likely even more
helpful is accepting and supporting her choices as WHAT
SHE NEEDS TO DO RIGHT NOW. Telling her what to do only
reinforces that she isn't in control of her life, and
actually feeds her need to exert more control over the
addict, which ties her to him in even a stronger bond.
- try to take your focus off of her relationship, and
put it more on yourself and your friendship with her. Do
what brings you fulfilment and joy, and invite her to
share those kinds of activities with you. Give her the
complete freedom to choose whether or not to do things
with you, without pressure. It supports her right to be
in control of her life.
- listen twice as much as you talk. And when you
listen, try to refrain from analysing or giving advice,
unless she invites you to do so. Simply hearing her own
words has tremendous power to help her see things she
didn't before. The less advice you give her, the less
you'll reinforce her belief that she can't find her way
thru life without someone telling her what to do.
The better she feels about herself, the more likely
she'll make choices that are truly best for her. It's HER
relationship, not yours. As long as you try to steer her
car for her, she'll never learn to drive herself. You may
save her from THIS crash, but actually be keeping her
from learning how to avoid an even BIGGER crash over the
next hill.
Those are my thoughts, and guesses. Hope something in
here helps even a little.
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