 I could use a hug - Claudia
Hi Friends... Life happened again today. I picked up
my mail after work and there was a letter from the
insurance company. Our insurance is not being renewed
after Oct. because of the number of accidents my soon to
be ex has had in the past year. I need the vehicle I am
driving to get back and forth to work, about 14 miles
both ways. I cannot insure the vehicle myself because the
title is in his name. I hope that in the divorce
settlement I am awarded the van so I have decided to put
that one on the back burner for today.
When I got home I called my son's boss (who is also a
personal friend) to see when my son was scheduled to work
again. He is 17 and moved out last month on not so good
terms because he refused to live with any boundaries or
responsibilities. I found out today that he is drinking,
smoking and using drugs. As a recovering alcoholic, I
know the time bomb that he is playing with. I am ready to
let him suffer the consequences of bad choices but with
all of the other "stuff" that I have been hit
with this week I am feeling very vulnerable. I went to a
12 step meeting tonight when I wanted to pull the sheets
over my head.
My worst nightmare, that my husband might be
determined incompetent to take part in divorce agreement
has been realized and yesterday I was "forced"
to turn the matter over to the legal system for decision.
It is hard stuff but still not the end of the world. All
hugs are appreciated.
 From: wolfie
Hello there friend.
{{{{{{{{{{{{CLAUDIA}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Giant HUGS for
you!!!!!!! First off, I'd like to congratulate you for
your strength - for going to your meeting even when you
wanted to pull the covers over your head. Second of all,
Everything is Ok. It truly is. Try this and envision it
and really Feel it within your being:
This situation does not dismay me. God is with me to
uphold and sustain me, and to make all things right. I
trust everything in my life to the tender care of God. I
know God's will for me is health, happiness, prosperity,
spiritual unfoldment and all that is Good!!!! All is
well!!! Say it over and over until you feel it with all
your being! I am with you Claudia, my friend, and my
prayers are with you also.
From: Claudia
My faith confirms for me the omnipresence and Divine
protection of my Higher Power. I have shared before in my
postings that for me this is the living presence of Jesus
Christ. I hold tight to the fact that nothing gets to me
before it goes through the loving hands of my Heavenly
Father. Because I know that His will for me is for my
good I am able to face these trials in His strength. Left
to myself I would still be under the blankets.
I know that the only thing I can do in all of the
craziness that surrounds me is to keep my focus on what I
am able to do for me and my daughter. She is 14 yrs. old
and the impact of my reactions and actions to these
trials will shape the way she views herself and the world
around her. I wish that when I was a child someone had
loved themselves enough to make healthy choices and take
care of me. I am able to do that for myself today and
pray that I can share tools with her.
I have not "given up" on my son. I am here
for his healing when and if he reaches his bottom. I am
however willing and able to allow him to suffer the
consequences of his behavior. I will not, to the best of
my ability, enable him to remain in illness easily. I
believe it is called tough love and believe me, it is
tough!!!!!!! I have done things that I am able to do at
this point. I sent a letter to the Dept of Motor Vehicle
in Albany NY stating that as his parent and the person
who signed his permit papers I feel that at this time is
is not ready to be granted the privileges of a licensed
driver. This will at least keep him from obtaining a
paper that will only serve at this time to give him a
false sense of external power in this respect. I am
planning to meet with him Sunday and will tell him the
truth about the impact that his behavior can have on my
financial and legal well being. What he does with this
information is out of my hands but I feel as though I
need to express the reality of the possible consequences
of his behavior. Since I have solid faith in the
providence of my Lord I am able to let it go after that
point. I am in no way saying that this is easy but it is
possible one day at a time.
Please keep the hugs and love coming. I am building on
the bank account of love and I am withdrawing at a high
rate of growth. I know that this too shall pass and I
will soon be able to deposit in the account of
others!!!!!! Thank you for your gift of shared love.
From: Susan
Claudia, I want to say this one thing to you........
you have NEVER... and I mean NEVER, no matter what your
personal circumstances were ..... failed to give love,
support and encouragement to others. Your example and
your strength is an inspiration, and you need never worry
about overdrawing on your "bank account" with
us. 'Cause, you know what.......? WE LOVE YOU ANYWAY
!!!!!
From: Anne
(((((((((((((((((Claudia))))))))))))))))) How
wonderful for your daughter that she has you!! I believe
that each generation is getting better at life and
communicating. We must be open with our kids about our
thoughts on why life is like it is. That is my husbands
biggest problem. He was handed a crummy life early on;
parents divorced, questionable homelife with new
step-dad, 2 weeks a year with real dad, and the only real
parenting force...his mom... died very young. He doesn't
talk about these things and thinks it 's OK not to. I've
tried to get him to counselling...on his own...not just
when I drag him with me, but he won't do it. So if he
doesn't help himself where does that leave me? Keep this
channel open!!!!
From: Bernd
Anne, your posting explained a lot about the past pain
that your husband is still carrying with him. Emotions
are more of an all-or-nothing thing - it's very hard for
us to only let those feelings we want thru. If it were
otherwise, I would have bneen a lot more able to only let
myself feel my "pleasant" emotions, and would
have been able to shut off a lot of pain I've felt over
the past years.
I suspect that your husband is terrified of unleashing
a pandora's box of emotions inside him. To get at the
"good" ones means that a ton of "bad"
ones (pain, confusion, guilt, shame, etc.) will pour out
as well, once he opens that inner door just a crack. It's
like opening the closet door to find a cherished
possession, only to have EVERYTHING crash down from the
shelves onto your head.
His survival as a child depended on learning how to
shut down what he was feeling. Kids that don't shut their
feelings down are quickly branded as problem children,
out of control, misbehaving. If they are in an unsafe
environment to start with, their behavior dooms them to
even more dangerous walls. We are going thru a process
right now in Nova Scotia, where we've discovered
"problem" kids sent to reform schools were
sexually and physically abused. Raped. Some committed
suicide before they reached adulthood. Many of the adults
that survived are unable to cope with life. They are in
living hells. The risks are very very real to a child.
When your survival has depended for so long on
shutting down your feelings, you become defenseless
without it. How can someone trust anyone with such a
fragile part of themselves, when almost EVERYONE they
trusted in the past let them down in such horrid ways?
Lynda was terrified of therapy - and we later found out,
for good reason. One therapist she later went to for help
laughed at her, and treated her like an idiot. Luckily,
she had enough recovery under her belt to leave the
session, slamming the door behind her. But if she hadn't,
I shudder to think of the damage he could have done.
Your husband has the best chance of making that
terrifying first baby step, by finding the tiniest
glimmer of faith that the risk is worth it. The only
thing I wa ever able to do to help Lynda gain such faith
(she had been sexually abused as a child, grew up in an
alcoholic home, and raped as a teen) was my example - my
recovery work, and my growing relationship with my
therapist (after going thru 4 other therapists) echoed, I
believe, what her inner voice was trying to whisper to
her.
As long as I was wanting her to change, she feared
failing; she was terrified inside that she'd NEVER become
the person I wanted her to be, or ANYONE would ever
really love for just being herself. And she was right -
she could NEVER be everything I wanted her to be, because
what I wanted was someone to fill my emptiness in ways
only I had the power to do. Like getting someone to eat
for me so that I'd stop being hungry.
You wish your husband would connect more deeply with
you emotionally. Your husband is wishing you'd let him
be. Neither of you are getting your wishes right now. It
is as difficult for you to change how much you want more
emotional connection from him, as it is for him to change
how much of a connection he feels safe giving. In
physics, there's a law that says "every action has
an equal and opposite reaction". The law of love
works differently. In that law, the way things work is
"every action has an equal and equivalent
reaction". Each step of healing and recovery I've
had has generated a step of healing and recovery in
Lynda, as long as she shares her life with me. And vice
versa. It may not happen when I want, or in the ways I
expect - but it DOES happen. As Wolfie says, our partner
is our best mirror. I can decieve myself (and often have)
into believing I've healed struggles inside of me, but
Lynda's choices, feelings, and struggles give me some
pretty instant and powerful reminders when I've mistaken
"head" work for "heart" work.
As paradoxical as it may sound, I get more from Lynda
now, than I ever imagined, or ever wanted. I had to stop
wanting it from HER, before Santa appeared at the door
with a sack full of presents. My expectations acted like
a cage around us both Freeing her from my expectations
freed ME from my cage. And her too. I wanted a
relationships that flew on the wings of love, but caged
wings can't fly. Yes, it was a series of HUGE leaps of
faith. But I had been"lucky enough" to have
every other effort in my life reduced to ashes. That
faith, a surrender and a willingness to be guided by God
and others' examples, was the only chance I had left. It
was the door my pain had been trying to lead me to all my
life. I hope you find some answers and support here in
this forum, that bring you to the love and happiness you
so richly deserve.
From: Cindi
When it rains, it pours. Here is a hug for you and my
prayers too. {{{{{{{{{{Claudia}}}}}}}}}. We talked the
other night about 12 step work. I know that for me when
things are at their worst, it is time to do a gratitude
check. To write down and look at all the things I am
grateful for. The chaos in my life is still there, but it
helps to put some balance and perspective back into my
days.
Do the things you need to do and what you can do to
take care of your circumstances. Then turn the rest over
to your HP. I sometimes wish I could have the Serenity
Prayer tattooed on me so I could read it anywhere,
anytime. If you want someone to talk to, you know that I
am here. Join us on the chat line or if you want my email
address just let me know. Lots of Love.
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