 |
 Resentment, anger after an
affair - mzet
Bernd, I can't seem to be able to handle the
resentments that my wife has against me now that she is
supposedly trying to come back!!!! I recognize that I was
not perfect, but she makes me feel as if I was
responsible for the whole mess: the affairs, her falling
out of love, etc. I was not a monster to start with. But
now that I feel I have changed in the ways that she would
have wanted me a year or two ago: I am affectionate, I am
religious, I spend time with the kids, I don't bike as
much, I help around the house more, etc., changes I made
not because of her but because I wanted to refocus my
life within a new spiritual dimension, now, she resents
that too. I can't win!!
I am sick of her!!!! All I have is this terrible
anger, that not only do I have to take the humiliation of
her affairs, but now I am also responsible for them and
the failure of our relationship AND no changing in my
part is good enough for her. What the hell does she want?
Anyway, just venting. I know you have said that your
marriage was on the brink for three years. I feel ours is
too. I feel I love her less and less and that pretty soon
the love tank will be empty.
I know you've also said (and I have too!) that I need
to look inside of myself to try to figure out the source
of that pain. And I just see that I will not accept the
guilt trip that I was a shitty husband and father, and
that my changes are just too little too late. I just
can't sit there and keep taking it! HELP!
 From: Bernd
No one says you have to handle them. Listen to what
you want, and make the choices you need to refuse to
listen when it's not good for you. Your wife's anger HAS
to come up, but it's not your responsibility to be her
"canvas bag". The more you are able to
acknowledge your own limitations (as far as being able to
handle her anger on top of yours) with kindness to
yourself, the more able you'll be to make the choice of
"walking away" whenever you need to with some
calmness about that choice.
Now, what is there in what she's doing that you
"need"? My guess is what I mentioned above -
the ability to leave a situation that isn't healthy for
you - is part of it. Refusing to accept unacceptable
treatment by leaving isn't the same as divorce or leaving
the marriage. It's taking the action you need to be good
to yourself over a choice that's happening in the
present. My guess is that you haven't had a lot of
experience "leaving" in such ways for a few
seconds, minutes, or hours. Likely the experience you're
most familiar with is staying, or leaving
"forever". I'd guess too that you have needed
to get REALLY pissed before you leave. I've had those
same kind of struggles, and Alanon helped me a lot to
focus on the here-and-now. Your wife may try all sorts of
things to control such a choice, but if you can stay
centered - or get centered again later - the "broken
record" approach works good. "Yes, what you say
might be true, but walking away right now still feels
like the best thing for me". No matter what she
says, if you refuse to get into an argument over how
right or wrong her viewpoint may be, you give yourself
the best chance of doing what is best for you - which, as
much as she might hate it, is the best thing for her as
well.
The other thing is I get the sense that you are still
holding back on venting your own anger fully, in healthy
ways (such as bashing something until you're exhausted).
When I finally got in touch with my anger, there was some
anger left over that was very clear and very centered. I
remember coming home, and Lynda started the "blame
game" again, and I looked at her with steely eyes
(for the first time, I wasn't "thinking", but
really feeling)...and said "I don't deserve this
treatment, and I'm not taking it anymore. Whatever I did,
I DON'T deserve to be treated this way, and I'm NOT going
to accept it". My anger took her by surprise (cause
I hardly ever got angry, and when I did, I usually got so
balled up I was like a fish floundering around). She felt
the full depth of my words, and felt something in me she
never had before. None of the words, or the anger,
belittled her, or said she was wrong, etc. They were a
clear and forceful affirmation of my right to be treated
as a human. If I hadn't done a heavy anger session on my
own before that (it was a screaming bottle-bashing
session down the beach before), I would have tried to
keep handling things in my head. That earlier anger
session cleared away the smoke inside, and got me back in
touch with my inner voice and constructive anger in a way
I'd never experienced before. It was a real turning point
for both of us. (Lynda went down with me to the beach a
few weeks after, and had her first swings at the bag
herself).
Ironically, your wife wants the same thing you do - to
make sense of her feelings. If she can figure out the
"reasons" for her anger and other confusing
emotions, then she "figure out" how to get back
the kind of life she wants. If most of the problems are
"you", it helps her escape the god-awful pain
of tackling the monsters inside of herself. You get the
job of making the "big" changes, and she gets
spared that agony. Now, this is the time to remind
yourself that she is still dealing with a disease
process. The mind works like a computer - garbage in,
garbage out. She is still using thought processes and
beliefs that SEEM to be based on truth to her. And the
ironic thing is that, every time you react to something
she says with anger, it reinforces that she's hitting a
truth somewhere. If she called you an apple, it wouldn't
generate anger, because you KNOW there's absolutely no
truth to it. If she blames her unhappiness on you tho, it
strikes a truth nerve - a raw one. You both HAVE played a
part in hurting each other. The problem is that it seems
you are both still looking at such things as all or
nothing. In my opinion, that is a NATURAL part of both of
your disease processes. If you can find the "slice
of truth" in anything she says, and state that slice
in your talks, it might help to bring you both closer to
the REAL truths. For example, she says "you never
loved me the way I wanted to be loved".....(you):
"I hear you, and I know that there were many times I
never loved you in the ways you wanted to be loved".
This kind of response acknowledges her feelings, her
perceptions, and more of the REAL truth. (as a footnote,
the only way you can love someone the way THEY want is by
them telling you what they really want, which I suspect
she held back on during most of your relationship).
Another thing I find really helpful is exploring what
lies behind something Lynda is feeling or saying about
me. When Lynda said, for example, "we never DO
anything together", my knee-jerk reaction was to
haul out my mental list and show her how wrong she was.
That worked about as good as hitting myself over the
head. When I asked her, however, "what kinds of
things would you LIKE to do?", the ball went back in
her court. If she told me what kinds of things she wanted
to do with me, it helped me by telling me a lot about
what kinds of "together" activities she valued.
Sometimes though, my question would trigger a real
struggle in her, and she'd change direction with a reply
like "why should I have to decide?" (my reply:
"I don't know"), or "if you really loved
me, I shouldn't have to tell you"..(my reply:
"I wish I could read your mind, but I can't.").
The more centered I was able to be, the less
defensiveness I found springing up inside me, and the
easier it became to be okay with Lynda's searching for
answers. The less "reactions" I had, the less
anger and arguments clouded up the communication lines.
Lynda began sharing more of her own struggles, and in
doing so, became more aware of the real sources of her
struggles, anger, and unhappiness.
She gave me a huge gift by "pushing my buttons to
the max". Now, it's soooo much easier to be okay
with anything ANYONE says. Lynda can call me the worst
scum of the earth, and it just flows over me, like warm
rain. I know that part of me is a scum, always has been,
always will be. It's part of my imperfections, and it
feels just HUMAN! The struggles that I had with the
"blame games" both her and I played helped me a
lot in my struggles to accept my WHOLE self.
It's ironic. Over that past few days, we've been
talking about how some sexual practices - such as calling
each other the worst possible names during sex - actually
incredibly arouse some people. I think it hits on a very
deep truth; when we can be treated in the worst possible
way, yet have such treatment generate a flow of love from
us, we are closer to God than we realize. Because if that
isn't how God handles shit that's flung at him, then I
missed the boat completely somewhere! Anyways, those are
some of my guesses. Hope something in here helps with
your current struggles. Hang in there guy!
From: mzet
Thanks for your kind words. I feel much better now
that I have had a chance to recollect myself, find those
exposed raw nerve ends, acknowledge the truths she is
exposing about me, apologize, receive apologies back,
etc. I'll try to be more careful about learning when to
walk out rather than blow up again. I know intellectually
that I have to give her a safe space within which she can
state her case. I'm afraid she'll back away if I keep
responding with anger. Hope I find the right balance for
me.
I had one anger session before, but not too
structured. Maybe I'll give it a try: what was it, a bat
and a sack full of bottles? To me it seems that we do
need to deal with these past resentments. The problems is
how to do it in a healthy way that doesn't end up blowing
up. Just talked to her. We're going to try again tonight.
At least we are trying really hard....We'll try to get
the slices of truth hidden within all the garbage. I know
I have to be centered in my own center of stillness.
Bernd, it's just a lot harder than I ever expected. I am
hanging in there. >:-o
From: Bernd
Centering was a LOT harder than I expected to! Still
is! I used a baseball bat (wood), a canvas bag (duffel
bag, or anything strong enough will do), and beer bottles
(any bottles will do). I went to a private place
(deserted beach, back woods, someone's cottage, whatever
is private), and smashed those bottles inside the bag to
smithereens, cursing and screaming at the top of my
lungs, no holds barred. I screamed ANYTHING I wanted. No
shards of glass came flying back at me, cause they were
all in the bag, and after I was all done, I took the bag
to the car, and dumped the busted glass later in a
garbage bin. Clean, safe fun!:)
Neat to see the apologies coming from both ends, Don't
worry, when she says something that doesn't go to the
core truth, her insides keep tugging at her shirtsleeves,
and won't let go until she acknowledges her half of any
struggle. The "making amends" process that
you're both learning right now is probably more important
than you realize. And you couldn't learn it unless there
were constant amends to be made for both of your PRESENT
choices. That practice should help you tons when you
start peeling off the layers more of the past issues.
You're doing great guy!
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