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 Scared To Death - pd
I am facing a really bad time in my life, and want to
get others opinions on the matter. I have been with the
same man for 16 years, 13 of which we have been married.
I always thought I was a happy camper (on the outside)
but down deep I always knew there was something missing.
In the beginning we always did everything together, both
had good jobs and were very happy. My SO was not a very
emotional type of person, not responding to birthdays
anniversaries and that type of thing. We have two
children, one by my first marriage, and the second with
him. He was not very close to the children either. I
mean, he loves them, just doesn't spend quality time with
them. We have managed to buy property and do well for
ourselves, and have alot going for us..except one thing.
About a year ago, after I got on the internet, and
learned of the chat rooms (which I became temporarily
addicted to) I met someone on there who shared the same
types of problems. He had been married for 15 years and
had two children and was going through a divorce. I was
not looking to meet anyone, I was merely looking for
conversation,something lacking in my own marriage. We
discussed all kinds of issues, and found we had a lot of
the same interests. Every night my husband would go to
bed, and leave me on the computer....not ever asking me
what I was doing. I just figured he didn't care. As long
as I was not bothering him, I guess it was ok. I guess I
should also tell you that my SO and I NEVER talked about
our feelings or emotions or anything for that matter. He
is not the loving touchy feely kinda person I am, and I
had found someone that was giving me the kind of
attention I wanted on the internet. I finally went to
meet this guy, and had a wonderful time. He was loving
and caring and generous with his feelings, and I had
never in my life known that a relationship could be this
way. He would drive up (300 miles) just to take me to
lunch. He was always sending me little things in the mail
and cards and everyday I would have at least one or two
e-mails. That really sent me over the edge...all of this
attention.
I moved out of our house and took my daughter with me.
We moved into my parents house, which is about 1/2 mile
from here. I continued seeing this guy, even though he
lived so far away. It was wonderful, until the guilt set
in. I felt so bad for disrupting my family's life, and so
afraid I would never have again what I had worked so hard
to get. I moved back in with my husband. He had already
filed for a divorce, and I agreed to give him almost
everything. After I moved back in, and the divorce was
almost final, he was supposed to have sent the papers to
his lawyer to have it "cancelled" and I found
out he had not done anything. We never talked about what
had happened, he just thought things were the same. I got
really upset that he had not done anything about having
the divorce stopped, and it was going to be final in two
days.I could not let it go through, or I would get
nothing. So I contacted a lawyer to have it stopped, and
I moved out.
I moved in with the guy from the internet. It was
great. He treated me like I was a real person, which I
was not used to and made me feel very special. He and my
daughter got along very good and he has a daughter the
same age, and they got along very good too. He listened
to me...never giving advice, just listened. I have never
been so open and honest with anyone in my life. He was
the closest thing to a soul mate that I had ever
encountered. I was there for one week and I had to go out
of town for two weeks on business, and the guilt set in
again. I drove up to see my husband and begged him to
take me back...for the second time. He met me in Vegas
and we had a good time, and when I returned, I moved back
in.(again) Well it has been about a month, and my
birthday came and passed without anything. He thinks it
is such a waste of time and money to acknowledge those
types of things, but it really bothers me. He tells me I
think the world owes me something, and that I am way too
emotional. After the love I felt with this other guy, I
am finding it very difficult to make this marriage work.
Maybe I do have an unusual amount of emotional needs, but
I think he should at least try to compromise. This other
guy still loves me and wants me if this doesn't work out.
He doesn't judge me or tell me I am stupid for crying or
expressing myself. My SO still has not talked about why
this all happened and what we can do to change it. He
just wants me to be the way I used to be and I told him I
can't. I refuse to go back to that person that just sits
here and says nothing. I am so afraid of leaving again,
for I know it will be the end. I have worked so hard to
get everything I have now, and am afraid to start over.
Any suggestions? Thanks for listening.
 From: mzet
oh boy!!!! Your case sounds so much like mine. My wife
had a very intense affair this past year and I think will
have some of the same reasons behind why she did, though
I would never admit I was that bad, I didn't forget
birthdays, for example. :) It is only now that she is
really trying, despite all the begging I did to make sure
she would stop the affair. Perhaps the guilt you talk
about made her reconsider.
I can't really tell you what made me realize that I
was also wrong, though, that I needed to change, that I
needed to concentrate on her also, rather than just me.
And I am puzzled as to why your husband does not see the
need to really change if he wants to save the marriage. I
just don't get it. I was ready to take my wife back from
the very first day I learned of the affair, though she
was not, because I really loved her, not perfectly, but I
still loved her, and I want to love her better. It took
me eight months of concentrating on myself and my own
healing for her to feel safe to come back to try to work
on the relationship.
Obviously your husband just doesn't see the need to
change, and unfortunately, you can't force that change
into him. He'll be the type to resist therapy, tell you
your emotions are running your life, etc., etc. Gosh, I
just don't know what to tell you, other than use this
time to work on your relationship with God, until in
silence, you can better hear what She has to tell you.
Concentrate on your self rather than either relationship
for a while to see where that takes you. Give up trying
to change your husband for a while. And don't expect too
much from him during this time.
Also remember that the process of falling in love with
your lover is a period of maximum deception, where you
both have eyes for the best in both of you, and that your
falling out of love with your husband is almost the
opposite, where you only have eyes for the worst in your
spouse. Maybe the truth is somewhere in between.
I don't know if talking with your husband would work.
I know that all the talking I did with my wife didn't
help her one bit in wanting to come back to me, so maybe
it's the same in your case. But have you tried this
approach? Have you suggested therapy? Sorry I am not much
help. I'm sure Bernd will have some thoughts for you. But
do think about concentrating on your self for a while
longer, without the interference of your lover. See what
this whole thing is telling you about yourself. Explore
your self without the mirror of your lover. What do you
see? Maybe that process of self discovery will open your
husbands eyes. I don't know. My thoughts and prayers are
with you and your husband. Please take care.
From: Bernd
Thanks for sharing. PD, there is a real difference in
both of your relationships, besides the differences that
you mention. As much as you don’t know about your
husband’s inner conflicts and emotions, your history
together gives you a much more INTIMATE knowledge of him
as a person - all the visible imperfections and strengths
- than you have of your new lover. When I mentioned
visiting Disneyworld in another post, what I saw there
was what I was ABLE to see, and mostly what I was looking
for. If I actually LIVED in Disneyworld for an extended
period of time tho, what I’d likely discover would
be a lot of the “non-magical” parts of it,
including the strict rules that staff have to live by in
order to give the consistent illusion of magic to
visitors.
I’ve seen very few affairs that didn’t run
into the same dose of reality, once the lovers got
together in a monogamous committed relationship. And
there’s more - as each partner begins discovering
that the other has their own parcel of flaws that they
never really noticed before, the disillusionment begins
setting in, and the fear of their new partner being
unfaithful begins growing slowly, eating away at them a
bit more each day. After all, if they were willing to
have one affair, what’s going to keep them from
dealing with this relationship in the same way?
You mentioned “He treated me like I was a real
person, which I was not used to and made me feel very
.... He listened to me...never giving advice, just
listened. I have never been so open and honest with
anyone in my life.” I suspect those words hold some
very important clues to what you are really looking for.
The less you have of this kind of warmth and support in
other areas of your life, the more you’ll need it
from your husband, or your new lover. It’s an
emptiness inside that is screaming out to be filled.
I used to get my emptiness filled thru affairs. The
hidden price tags were much higher than I ever dreamt
they would be tho. They cost me FAR more than I ever got
back in return, although I was able to convince myself
that I’d gain more than I’d lose at the time. I
don’t mean money or possessions. I mean ME - it was
parts of me that I lost. When I think about all the pain
and near-suicidal times I had many years later because of
those earlier choices, I shudder inside. I have NO wish
to jump off of one of the cliffs ever again.
The hell Lynda and I went thru because of my affairs
and her’s - as well as all the other baggage we were
both carrying - eventually brought me to my knees. I hit
bottom. When I’m brought to my knees, the only thing
left to do is pray - and that I did, pretty simply and to
the point. “God, all my efforts have just gotten me
deeper in quicksand. I can’t do it anymore. If you
don’t help me find the way I REALLY need to go,
I’m outta here. I’m ready to die.”
I began my recovery. I began it very imperfectly,
wrestling the reins from God again and again, only to
give them back again when I drove myself into another
huge pothole. As I struggled and stumbled, I found a
therapist who genuinely treated me with the kind of love
that I had missed for so long. I found a support group
where I was treated with the acceptance I had hungered
for so much. I was able to be a “real person”
with both, and be “listened to” without getting
unwanted “advice”. I’ll never forget my
first meetings with each; I was so worried they’d
see what a screw-up I was, and be rejected all over
again. I had never experienced the kinds of unconditional
love each welcomed me with. It brings tears to my eyes
just remembering it.
They both helped save my life. They helped fill my
emptiness with HEALTHY honest love, and their examples
showed me ways I could help fill my own emptiness in ways
I never before thought possible. I began to feel better
about myself each day, and more willing to let go of
beliefs that were dragging my soul down like heavy rocks.
I began discovering more who I REALLY was, and found some
pretty “ugly” and scary things about myself
I’d been hiding from myself for many years. THEY
didn’t see them as ugly tho, and helped me learn to
treat myself with acceptance and compassion - all of me.
The more I did, the more I realized how powerful and
loving that felt. I realized that every time I gave Lynda
that kind of acceptance and compassion, it filled MY
emptiness even more! No wonder people in the support
group were giving those to me as well - it was helping
THEM to give it! Wow!
My “knee prints in the sand” happened over 5
years ago. I too, was one of those husbands who
didn’t give birthday, valentine, Mother’s Day,
and other cards freely - I had been so used to having
guilt and obligation as part of “love” as a
child, that as an adult I carried that same connection
into our marriage. Sure, I tried to “change it”
in myself, but it’s almost impossible for me to
change something by forcing it. I can cut off the tops of
the weeds, but they always grow back again. I didn’t
know anything before that about “recovery”, or
codependency. In short, I didn’t know I had a
codependency disease process at work in me. If I had
cancer and didn’t know it, how would it ever get
treated? I might feel blah, and achy, but until the
actual root disease was diagnosed, nothing would really
change - except life would continue to get worse. And
before my recovery began, life was DEFINITELY getting
worse - much worse. I almost died from codependency.
If you want to know whether I still have problems
giving Lynda cards or stuff, ask her! Actually, she
probably gets as few cards as she ever did from me,
BUT....that doesn’t tell the whole story.:) Hope
this helps a bit.
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