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 Tired of being Understanding -
CC
When do you stop being a doormat? I feel like my
husband is using his addiction to take advantage of me.
He puts a guilt trip everytime I get hurt because I'm not
being understanding enough. I don't think he will ever
change because why should he I'm still there sticking by
his side like a loyal dog. What a pathetic picture!
 From: Cindi
There is an old saying that when you get sick and
tired of being sick and tire, then you will begin to
recover. Each person has their own measurement of what
they can and will accept. You are the only one who can
answer your own question. If you would like to talk,
there is usually someone on the chat line in the evening.
You are also welcome to email me. I have been exactly
where you are and I understand.
From: Bernd
Being a doormat. I do this whenever I ALLOW another
person to control my emotions or choices. Because I'm a
codependent, my disease makes it impossible for me to see
honestly and clearly what part of the problems is my
participation, and what part is truly the other person's
behavior. As long as I don't get appropriate treatment
for MY disease of codependency, my thoughts and
experience will convince me that the OTHER person is the
problem.
My recovery has helped me to see that when I REACT to
what another person does, I'm giving them control. Anger
and blame are some of my most common reactions, and some
of the easiest ways another person can control me. If I
take my anger and express it fully with someone safe
(such as in a support group), it helps me. The more I
accept my own codependency as a disease process, the
easier it becomes for me to see the addictive disease
process at work in others. As I lay less blame on myself,
I'm able to lay less blame on others. That helps me
tremendously in not being a doormat, because my own anger
and blame doesn't make me stumble and fall as much. When
I stumble and fall, another person can walk over me (as a
doormat) with ease.
I've learned that gentleness, calmness, and reaching
for my inner voice guidance give me far more strength
than anything else. I use all those VERY imperfectly, but
even what I use so far has made a huge difference, If
Lynda chooses to get drunk constantly, shoot up with
heroin, or gamble til the wee hours, or carry out sex or
other addictions, it's her body, and her sexuality. She
owns them, not me. I can step back, knowing that a
horrific disease process is at work, and that such a
disease has her captive in hell. The most loving thing I
can do is have compassion, not co-operate in her attempts
to avoid the natural pain and consequences of her
actions, and pray for the courage and wisdom to
understand and follow the guidance I get from my inner
voice.
When someone is in hell, they try desperately to get
rid of some of their pain by handing it to others.
Knowing that this is part of the disease process helps me
understand that this is a NATURAL thing, and no matter
what taunts or insults they throw my way, I can let those
words dissolve into thin air, without taking them inside
me. The word "take" in "take offense"
has a very special significance. I get hurt when I
"take" the words they send inside me and let
them hurt me. If they handed me a cup of acid and asked
me to drink it, wouldn't I have to make the choice of
swallowing it before it could hurt me?
The more pain and anguish I'm feeling inside, the less
able I am to separate the effects of my disease from my
partner's. Me being a doormat is a natural consequence of
MY codependency. No matter how many solutions and answers
I look for, my dedication to my recovery is the only
thing that really changes how often or hard I'm stepped
on.
This may be a bit more philosophical than you'd like,
but the more I thought about my own struggles with this
issue, the more I realized that all the
"answers" I came across didn't really change a
lot in my life. The real changes had to come from my
heart and soul, not my head, before anything really
improved.
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