 What do I do - Rose Me
I need some suggestions. I have a fiancé who likes to
go and do things on his own with his friends. That is not
the problem. The problem is that he doesn't come home
until 3 or 4 in the morning. I know where he is and what
he is doing..so I am not afraid he is cheating. I ask
that he be reasonable about the time he comes home. I
don't feel that he needs to spend 6-? hours out to
unwind. The thing it affects the most is our relationship
and our kids. He works from 10 to 7 pm Monday thru
Friday. The past 2 Fridays, he has gone out..both times
not coming home until very late. Me and the kids lose not
only the time after work, but over half the following day
because he is sleeping. He acts like I am the bad person
for expecting him home earlier. What do I do?
 From: Claudia
It is very hard to care about another human being and
have their lack of concern for our needs cause us pain. I
believe it is doubly hard when children are involved. In
answer to your question, "What do I do" I have
sat very quietly with myself in the past to try to
connect to the nature of my hurt and fears in
relationship. It is a hard thing to do sometimes because
I hear things that I feel as though I am not ready to
hear. I have heard in my heart that a relationship was
unhealthy for myself and my children but because of my
fear of abandonment and fear of being alone I have
allowed myself to stay with great consequences. I am not
saying that this is the case in your situation, I am only
suggesting that you allow yourself space and time to
consider your current experiences and touch the place in
you that cries from the lack of concern for you. Doing
the part of reaching out for suggestions and ideas is a
wonderful place to start. Then sit with yourself and
ponder the input. I trust that your Higher Power within
is ready to provide your truth. I wish you well.
From: Cindi
I know the hurt and pain you are feeling and I agree
with Claudia's post to take some time and get in touch
with you. I also have another suggestion. If he is
spending time with his friends and doesn't come home
until late, you and the kids go and do something. Make
plans to have some fun, to spend some time together. Ask
him to join, if he does, great. If not then go ahead
without him.
I know I have spent a lot of time waiting for someone
else to make me happy. The wonderful truth is that I am
the only one who can make myself happy. Take those hours
that are spent worrying about what someone is doing and
thinking and spend them doing what you want to do,
thinking about what you want. Lots of Love.
From: Whitey
Rose -- I agree with Cindi and Claudia. Make plans for
you and the kids, with or without him. Enjoy the time
with the kids and for yourself, even if its as simple as
a picnic in the park. When you do ask him, give him a day
or two warning that you've made plans, and that he is
more than welcome to join. Then leave it up to him. Avoid
raising your voice or sarcasm, that may ignite an already
touchy situation. Be gentle to yourself. In this manner,
it does not give him the opportunity to say something
just to retaliate and maybe blame you. If he has a hard
time remembering dates and events, have a calendar on the
fridge and let him know that this is where it will be if
he needs a reminder. Invitations/calendars should be
placed at a location where you will all likely see it --
and the fridge is a good one. We all have to eat!
When you get ready to leave, say sometime in the
morning, give him about an hour or so warning to say that
you will be leaving in an hour. If his sleep is much too
heavy, leave him a short note - "Honey, I couldn't
wake you up this morning. Sorry we missed you. The kids
and I went out to xyz, will be back around x-time. If
your having fun with the kids, don't be prompt with your
commitment on your note, give him a phone call at home if
he is home or leave a voice recorded message just to let
him know. Be happy, does it matter what time you come
home when your having fun with the kids.
Also, if your whole family gets invited to functions
let him know that he was invited as well. If he decides
not to come, ask him gently - if people should ask me
where you are, what would you like me to say? If he was
working or has some other engagement then its easy
enough.
Remember, that we can easily fall into that
enabler/codependent role for our partner just so that it
does not make the relationship or family picture look
bad. By speaking the truth to friends and family, you
would have detached yourself from his situation and let
him answer for himself. If your kids, friends and family
members ask, simply say, he decided not to come I really
don't know why - you'll have to ask him. The kids you'd
be surprised will ask him why he doesn't join you in
family gatherings. As a parent, when a child asks you why
can't you come with us?? and your only answer is 'because
I was out late last night I need to sleep some more"
shows the child an acceptable pattern of behavior in the
future. A behavior that they themselves may unknowingly
accept for themselves or repeat to others. When we become
adults, we carry with us baggage -- that which our
parents brought us into both good and unacceptable.
By letting your partner decide for himself and answer
to his own behavior, he will realize that you will no
longer smooth out the rough edges of the family situation
for him so that it makes him look good or that you will
schedule events based on his life only. You have your
life and the kids lives also. Parents and kids need to do
togetherness to get a sense of family unit and support. I
grew up not having everything in life, my 3 year old
daughter has more todays today than I ever did in my
entire life!. Poor or rich, you can find ways to have fun
with the kids even if it isn't going to Disney every 6
months.
Eventually, he will come around to go on his own for
more reasons than one. Be gentle, keep it simple, and be
happy.
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