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 Trust, Fights, and the Quiet Game
- Joe
My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly 3
years now, but we are still having a trust problem. Both
of us have done some things to lose the trust of the
other...but I'm the one in the hot seat because I lied to
her. She is in a constant state of half mad so lately,
her fuse has been very short. This in turn makes me upset
as well and we've been fighting lots because of it. I
don't expect her to act like everything is o.k...but the
arguing is getting out of hand. Just last night we had a
huge fight outside her house about nothing. Soon, it
turned into a bring-up-any-issue-you-can-think-of
argument. This lead to worse things ultimately leading to
me speeding off in my car. As you might expect, she isn't
really speaking to me today. She told me she has things
to resolve or figure out.
All I can think is that she wants to break up (we've
been on the brink). Of course, that's the last thing I
want, but I'm afraid that because I've lied and because
things aren't great right now, that she doesn't think
they can improve. What can I do in the mean time (I'm
quite impatient)? And what if she recommends a break up?
And what can I do to make sure this doesn't happen? And
if she wants to separate, how do I make her reconsider?
In a desperate attempt to do something about the trust
problem, I have agreed to make a list of 100 reasons why
she should trust me. That seemed reasonable at the time,
but after 60 or so, my reasons are running thin. Anyone
out there want to add to the list?Can any person in this
whole world really think of 100 reasons why anyone should
trust them?
 From: Claudia
One can be trusted when they slow down long enough to
be honest to themselves. There is nothing you can do Joe
to make anything happen in all of this except examine
your own attitudes, beliefs and motives and discover
exactly where Joe is. You do not have to do that alone.
Welcome to a world of loving honesty that opens the door
to wholeness if you allow it in.
From: Bernd
Joe, I have NO reasons why Lynda should trust me.
Whatever level of trust she feels is best for her, is
okay with me. As a human being, she has the ability to
make her own judgments about how trustworthy anyone is,
including me. If I try to persuade her to see things my
way, I’m not placing a lot of value on her own
abilities. If you really want to get a more accurate
picture of what she finds difficult in her relationship
with you. my suggestion would be to begin practicing how
to listen. Ask her if she’s willing to tell you
everything that bothers her in her relationship with you.
Before beginning, ask her if you can repeat back what
you’ve heard her say at regular intervals, to make
sure you’ve really heard her and understand her.
Other than that, during such a listening session, listen
only - don’t try to defend yourself, or respond with
anger, or tell her she’s wrong or mistaken. Listen
only. You can’t find any real solutions, until you
know what the real problems are.
Arguing has a way of jumping us from issue to issue,
like watching 5 minutes of a movie before you pop the
next one in the VCR. If you have a good listening
session, hug her and thank her after for sharing, and ask
her if she’d feel comfortable listening to you for 5
or 10 minutes, and just listening. If she is comfortable,
talk about YOU, your feelings, your fears, your beliefs.
Give her a chance to understand YOU better. My guess is
you both confuse the heck out of each other, because each
of you is so busy trying to be heard, that you never
really hear each other. My guess is that you both WANT to
know each other better than you do. Some caring, kind
listening can make a huge first step in giving both of
you more of that. Those are my guesses. Hope something
here helps.
Quick question: can you tell me how old you are and
she is?
From: Joe
I'm 20 & she's 19. Great advice about the
listening practices, I really do appreciate it. However,
I fear the time has come where we don't have time to
practice and I'm immediately thrown into the raging fire.
She wont let us talk 'til she's ready & I'm so scared
that when that time comes, I won't have my chance. There
won't be a chance to discuss together, but merely she
says her thing, & nothing I can say will matter. Deep
down I don't know what to expect from her when we talk,
but my imagination is tearing me apart. I'm dying here.
Is there anything I can do?
From: Bernd
Yes, do what you have the power to do. You have the
power to listen to her. You don't have the power to force
her to listen, and if you try to get her to do something
before she's willing, it will backfire. If she isn't
willing to listen to you, you can substitute me and
others here as a temporary replacement. You can bare your
heart and feelings to us safely. And if you ask me to
listen, I won't give advice, or suggestions. I'll try to
simply repeat what I think I heard you say, so that you
can tell me if I understood you.
Sometimes we can't see what's over the next small hill
until we get past the first one. All the guessing in the
world doesn't help. Do what you can, and give YOURSELF
the trust that you're asking her to give you. Trust that,
if you take things one step at a time and one day at a
time, you'll make it to a better place that's waiting for
you. Those are my guesses Joe. I know from my own
experience that doing something in a different way is
very scary. I hope you get some support and encouragement
from others too.
From: Tom
Feelings can really be hard to experience. I sense
fear Joe. Do you fear loss of the relationship or do you
fear examination of why you are trustworthy. If I feel
trustworthy I have no reason to convince anyone. My faith
in my own honesty need not be explained. I am responsible
for my lack of honesty and then I must go to God and seek
the courage to stand truer next time. After repeated
experience with life in this way I have found that my
honesty is not in question by myself anymore. If another
questions me I need to examine and if need to admit my
wrong doing. I am not perfect and if my partner needs
perfection than we will not remain partners. Praise for a
partner who is willing to self examine and knows how hard
living in complete honesty is. She doesn't ask me for
reasons why I am trustworthy, she continues to self
examine so that she believes in her own trustworthiness.
Great to hear from you and good luck in finding what is
best for Joe in this life.
From: Joe
Last night she called me not to talk about the big
stuff, but to express her disapproval of the way I acted
the other day. I agreed it was inappropriate & I
found myself thinking why I acted so disrespectful
towards her. I never dreamed I would lose my head the way
I did-at least never in front of anyone. Anyway, she told
me she still had things to work out so she said she would
call me at another time when she knew exactly what to
say. I did however pick up on some hints that suggested
that she wants this all to end(though there is high
probability I'm wrong). I keep thinking she just wants to
find the proper words to trash me. I went to bed crying
and picked up where I left off this morning. The thought
of us breaking up eats me up. I already can't deal, and
there isn't even an official word. I keep telling myself
to believe in us, but the signs point in another
direction.
I believe she and I are meant to be, she's even
admitted it before...I guess that's why I'm having such a
hard time sitting on a verdict. I'm so scared that I have
driven us to the edge and unintentionally called upon
gale force winds. I'm also worried that we aren't gonna
be able to talk this out. As if finding the source of our
problems and discussing them together is passed. I'm
praying that there will at least be a chance that we can
find this time, but what if it never comes. Am I just
suppose to stand here in front of the firing squad
without trying to do something about it? I love her so
much. I just want to help fix things. I have a very hard
time handling things out of my control. In a way I can
control the situation by trying to do something(call,
write, etc)...but I'm not sure what will come as a
result. As if this wasn't getting complicated enough, I
found out her parents saw our fight & she's leaving
for school again (70miles) in 2 short weeks. Someone
shoot me.
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