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 How to re-start love - mzet
just spent time reading through many of the recent
posts and it seems as if we are all struggling with the
practical aspects of how to rekindle the emotion of love
between two people who once made a commitment to each
other. it seems as if some of us are either wondering how
we can make our SO love us or how we can make ourselves
love our SO, otherwise we wouldn't be here, right? But I
am wondering if we are asking the right question.
I have read here and from other forums and books that
perhaps the rekindling of love is related to our ability
to begin to recognize what our needs (emotional, etc.)
are and then bring down the walls, slowly, so that both
parties meet some of each other's needs. Bernd and others
who have successfully done that, is that how it happens?
What are the magical components that allow this love to
re-emerge?
One of the requirements for the above step of meeting
needs is, I think, an ability to patiently recognize that
until I myself am healed, the lagging partner may not
have the space within which to turn back, safely and
without fears, into the relationship. In other words, it
is only until after I am well into the process of healing
that the possibility of love can emerge. I think this is
what I get from many of Bernd's posts.
But I also get this strong vector from him that states
that we don't make the other person love us. Perhaps one
of the magical components is letting go of trying to
start that love. Perhaps recognizing that we have no
control over that love is the only way of gaining that
love back, as paradoxical as that may sound.
I really am not sure what I am asking here, but
perhaps we can all help begin to formulate the question
better so that we can talk about it. Why is it so hard
for that feeling of love to come back once lost, despite
our SO changing in ways that we should find more
attractive? Should be interesting topic since we are all
"experienced", right?
 From: Bernd
Hmmmm, I had to let these questions sit for a while to
see what came up inside.
"It is only until after I am well into the
process of healing that the possibility of love can
emerge". I think love happens as we heal, in every
choice we make that brings us to more wholeness inside,
or reinforces our faith in spiritual truths. For example,
meditating and asking for guidance is an act of love to
ourselves, and also an act of love to others around us.
Both at the same time. We may not FEEL that love
emotionally right away, any more than a healthy food diet
makes us "feel" healthier right away, or
exercise makes us feel stronger right away. But at some
point, we DO feel it - sometimes as a glow, happiness, a
burst of joy, or otherwise. My internal struggles have a
way of creating static inside me, so that even when the
channel between love and my emotions is open, my
thoughts, turmoil or other emotions drown the "love
feelings" out.
"We don't make the other person love us". I
believe that a desire to love others and ourselves is as
strong and basic part of our human nature as thirst or
hunger. Imagine having a childhood where you let your
hunger lead you to food that seemed nourishing - but
later that choice left you with agonizing pain, because
no matter what food you picked, you could never tell
whether there was poison in it. The natural conclusion
we'd draw was that hunger=pain. But we'd also realize we
couldn't live without food. So we found the best way we
knew how to cope - we'd shut down our awareness of our
"hunger feelings" as much as we could, so that
we'd have a better chance of eating only what we needed
to survive. We tried to manage our hunger the best way we
could, and only let ourselves "feel" it again
when someone who seemed trustworthy offered us something
scrumptious enough to make the risk seem worthwhile. But
often, we'd find out we'd been deceived, and each time,
we'd go thru a whole new bout of pain as we found
ourselves poisoned once again. Allowing ourselves to feel
"hunger" became more and more dangerous.
The more dangerous we've found something, and the more
times we've risked trusting again only to have that hope
betray us, the more dangerous it is to "feel".
But we can't control our feelings as well as we want.
What we ARE able to do however is drown out our true
emotions by triggering our natural biological pain
killers, or finding artificial ones. Sex produces
powerful chemical reactions inside of us, as does
gambling, and other "non-drug" addictions. We
also discover - as bulimics do - that we can "give
in" to hunger, as long as we dash out of the pool
before the sharks have a chance to find us. In affairs,
one of the key ingredients is the ability to manage the
length of each get together. We can get in, have sex (our
drug), feel deep love, and then run back to safety (being
alone, using our imagination and memory to keep the
internal high fueled).
Because we've learned all too well that "feeling
love" means risking almost certain deep pain, when
our partner begins recovery, the "changes" that
they seem to be offering are a story we've heard in many
variations before. We've been thru the "honey, I'm
changing, I really am" trap too often already for
our liking. We can't afford to hope again, because the
next time, the pain might just kill us.
If a true recovery process is happening in our
partner, we begin to notice that there is something
different about the changes this time. We can't quite put
our finger on it, and - because our mind is about the
only thing that's saved us in the past - when our
"mind" can't seem to figure out what's
different, we get even MORE leery. Bad enough to have to
go thru the same swamp over and over again; the thought
of being led into a whole new unknown one scares the hell
out of us. We try to shut down every emotion or feeling
we have that seems to be drawing us to that new
"swamp".
It takes time to even dare to dip our toes in the
water. We have to test every tiny step, again and again,
to make sure that some monster isn't going to jump out
all of a sudden and drag us down into a black pit. The
further into the water we get, the scarier it becomes,
because the distance back to shore keeps getting further
and further. As much as we longed for what is happening
in our partner, it scares us to death on another level.
We haven't risked our emotional selves THIS much in a
long, long while. The more our partner recovers, the more
we step into uncharted territory. To hope that the
changes we see in our partner are real, and not just new
manipulations to drag us into their swamp again, is
almost too much to believe. Allowing ourselves to BEGIN
to love again in ways that our hunger screams out to is
an act of courage that is as great with each step, as the
recovery our partner is pursuing. But in finding that
courage, and taking each little and large leap of faith,
we are loving ourselves in ways that we thought had been
long lost to us.
That I believe is how the process works, and what lies
behind it. As long as one partner pursues genuine
recovery, it echoes truths in the other partner that help
them find the courage and motivation to reconnect with
their natural desire and thirst for love. That natural
thirst is their motivation, and leads them toward their
own unique path of inner healing.
In simpler terms, take away everything someone owns,
and they'll usually find a way to survive. Take away
their all their hope, and they'll usually find a way to
die. For our partner to risk hoping that our love is
becoming more genuine is one of the greatest risks they
can ever take.
Just one more note. We may be tempted at various
stages of our recovery to think we can be a "safety
net" for our partner as they step tentatively out on
the tightrope of love again. To be a true safety net
requires true wholeness. A half a net - one with pieces
missing - really isn't any safer than no net at all.
Those are some of my thoughts.
From: mzet
I like your analogy with health food and exercise. The
difference is that we can find scientific proof that if
we have a healthy lifestyle of good food and exercise we
will feel better and actually be better. With love you
don't get that type of certainty. It takes a huge leap of
faith. And even when you do, I get the sense that one is
somehow trying to manipulate the mechanisms of love,
which in essence are not manipulatable.
Could it be, Bernd, that in retrospect we can
formulate a proposition about how the process worked, but
prospectively, all we can do is refocus the process of
rekindling love away from rekindling love between the
partners and towards rekindling the love inside our own
self (which in my case has been rekindling my love to
God)? And could it be that only when we let go of trying
to manipulate the process that the process actually
works? Don't know. Take care. Your posting really clicked
inside of me.
From: Bernd
Can you rephrase your question in simpler terms? Maybe
give me an actual example of something happening in your
relationship right now, to highlight what's puzzling you.
Simplify, simplify:)
From: mzet
Bernd, I guess what I was saying was that perhaps it
is only when we stop actively trying to elicit that love
in our partner and concentrate solely on our own journey
that the possibility of human love may emerge.
Human love is not a like the natural sciences, where
there is certainty: if I do a, b and c then I get d all
the time. Love rebels against being boxed in a theory,
there is too much freedom and entropy involved in it. It
is mysterious. It is supra-rational. The more we try to
understand it with our heads, the more it eludes us in
our hearts. Love is less about discerning its intricacies
and more about abandoning yourself to it. Love is less
about certainty and more about faith. Love is less about
us and more about God.
That's why it is sooo hard for someone like me,
because I am too rational about everything, including
love. But that is precisely why I feel so liberated now,
because I have found that love is really not about
falling in love with my partner but about falling in love
with God. And if I keep God at the center of everything I
do, my love for my partner (and everything else) flows
effortlessly (not all the time, at least not at this
stage of my journey, but when I am centered, when I can
get rid of all the distractions and find that direct
pipeline to God you talk about inside of me, then it is
heaven).
So my personal experience so far has been that if I
think I have boxed love into a theory of how it works and
start using that theory to attempt to elicit love from my
partner I lose contact with God, then I lose that inner
peace and as a result, I lose my temper, or ask for
something I know will bug my wife, or I can't concentrate
at work, or I'm short with the kids, and finally, I end
up getting frustrated because I, of course, was not able
to elicit that love I was looking for.
I am grasping for words I can't find!!! But in a
paradoxical way, does any of this make sense to you? It's
crazy, I just find it easier now to just let go rather
than to try to comprehend this whole mess. I wonder why I
try...perhaps so I can communicate it to others. That's
another paradox, that once you find this peace you cant
to share it with everybody....
I also think I finally am able to interpret what you
and Lynda mean about being selfish. I just want to get on
with my own path to union with God irrespective of where
my wife is. Her function is not to serve me or love me.
Her function is her problem. My function is to center
myself in God. If my wife is there with me, great!, if
she is not, fine!, but I can't keep looking back to see
where she is to drag her behind me, because it slows me
down. This sounds harsh, I know...Sometimes I wonder....
Any thoughts?
From: Bernd
Let Go and Let God. That about sum it up?:) The
“trying to elicit love from our partner”
thingee doesn’t work, because we are using faulty
information that we learned in trying to do it. Like
computers - garbage in, garbage out. And people have
dumped a lot of garbage into us over our lifetime, a lot
of it “gift wrapped” to make it look like
gifts.
Ironically, what I’ve found is that love IS very
rational and follows the principles of science quite
well. Even the paradoxes. In physical science, paradoxes
are well documented. For example, light is a wave and a
particle - at the same time. Which property you see
depends on how you’re viewing it at the time. There
has also been another paradoxical discovery recently that
I’ve heard of - if you take two matching subatomic
particles with opposite spins, and change the direction
of the spin in one of them, the other particle’s
spin will change proportionately as well - even if they
are separated by light years. It blows my mind (how do
the particles KNOW that????).
Now imagine trying to understand those paradoxes using
science as it existed 500 years ago (or even 100 years
ago). Based on “knowledge” at the time,
scientists predicted that the speed of sound was an
impregnable barrier. With the limited knowledge available
at the time - much of it faulty - conclusions based on
that knowledge would be faulty as well.
To learn the “science of love” means
scraping the blackboard clean inside, and starting from
scratch. That’s why I’ve called my recovery
more a process of unlearning, rather than learning. In
science, “truths” become truths only after
vigorous testing. And even then, scientists must be
willing to discard them if conflicting information comes
along.
I think love provides us absolute certainties. If I
make a loving choice, it enhances me spiritually. That
feels like a certainty. It also seems a truth that such
choices enhance those close to me as well, even tho my
perception of how it does that is faulty.
In one sense, you and I are both scientists. We are on
a hungry search to discover the real truths about love.
Much of my struggles come from trying to straddle the
fence - holding onto old false beliefs, while I test the
waters of the real truths. There are 2 opposing flows at
work - one the examples of most around me (holding onto
hand-me-down beliefs), and the other the flow from my
soul. Whenever you have water flowing in opposite
directions at the same time, you get a whirlpool - a lot
of turbulence. To get out of the turbulence means going
with one flow or the other. There is no peace in between.
When I try to figure out love with my
“head”, it’s impossible for me to see
where old untruths are clouding my thoughts. That’s
why headwork doesn’t work. The guesses have to come
UP from inside, not the other direction (the brain
downward). I find the insights just seem to
“pop” into my head at no predictable times. Now
I use my brain more to describe best I can my
understanding of those insights, and to find ways of
putting those insights to the test. A scientist that is
working on a nuclear power plant only needs to have one
small part of a theory wrong, to set the plant up for a
huge explosion. Luckily, love is a lot more forgiving,
but that example reminds me to remain constantly aware
that if I try to “force” my “truths”
on anyone, I can end up doing a lot of damage.
Love is the most rational thing I know of. I keep
reminding myself that, while it is infinitely
complicated, it is also infinitely simple. So simple
“even a child can do it”.:)
Only God can handle the infinitely complicated part.
Ironically, embracing the simplicity of it is harder than
trying to “do it” the complicated way. It is a
smart thing to admit I’m stupid, and a stupid thing
to think I’m smart. When I accept that I’m both
smart and stupid at the same time, I embrace the paradox
- and the truth. I give myself love. It’s my
“stupidity” that opens the doorway to embrace
the simplicity of love, just like a child. The more I do,
the more I see the tapestry of love as a complete
picture, instead of a bunch of confusing threads.
Your healing and love radiates to your wife as sure as
a lighthouse shines to all that look at it. It IS helping
her to find the truths of love in herself, and it is
helping her to love. How rough her seas are, and how much
time it will take for her to find safe shores is
something none of us will ever know. But as long as she
looks at the beacon that is your recovery, she WILL find
her way closer to safety and love. THAT is a guarantee,
or my name isn’t Bernd. (Course, who knows, I MAY
discover my name is Matilda!):) Those are some of my
thoughts and guesses.
From: mzet
I have to disagree with you on the rationality of
love. Any amount of science and rationality that we spend
in trying to explain the mechanism of love will only take
a few layers away from the surface. It never gets to the
core. Our heads just can't get deep enough because of
subject matter rebels against being boxed.
Even particle physics is perfectly rational and
scientific, despite the uncertainly principle, relativity
and all their paradoxes. I have wondered how the hell the
particles "communicate" with one another across
space and time. It does blow my mind away....But as you
well know, the paradoxes are paradoxes because we try to
evaluate them within a different set of paradigms.
Particle physics can all be reduced to mathematical
formulas that can be applied to different practical
processes.
Love, I think, is unlike the subjects of science. If
anything, love is more like art. We can sit down and
analyze a particular work of art or style, dissect it,
put it back together, look at it's principles, cultural
background, etc., but ultimately, the aesthetic
experience, the act of connecting with the work of art
and saying wow!, and the act of creating that work of
art, completely elude the art critic and the art
historian. There is much more and there will always be
much more to art than theories about how it works.
There are culturally and historically conditioned
approaches to love that may facilitate its growth. Buddha
and Christ were able to radically change the environment
within which they lived by bringing up the subject of
love. However, they didn't prescribed a method to love
but a WAY to awaken people. They spoke allegorically, in
round about ways, in parables, because there are no words
that directly express what they are communicating.
The minute we directly attempt to express the
inexpressible, we freeze our subject matter and kill it.
Keats has a beautiful poem, Ode on a Grecian Urn, in
which he tries to express that paradox. Read it, if you
have not, I know you will love it. The point I think he
makes is that the lovers depicted on the urn never
consummate their love, despite the beauty of the scene,
which is tragic, and this is depicted by the fact that
the lovers are painted on an urn, which is used to carry
the ashes of the dead.
Even you Bernd, tend to talk in similes, symbols,
stories, metaphors. Have you wonder why? Not because it
is easier to explain, but because it is the best way to
explain, and perhaps, at times, when you really want to
get your point across, the only way.
In addition to that, love is a practical thing. No
matter how much we explain it, one only experiences its
effects when one buys into it. And even a how to book
written by the best lover won't do. I have likened it to,
as you have too, trying to explain the concept of color
to a blind person. It is close to impossible. And
sometimes we, the ones trying to do the explaining, are
also blind!
It is only in practicing love, rather than rationally
explaining love that we can get to communicate what we
are trying to communicate. That doesn't mean that we
should stop trying to write rationally about what we are
trying to communicate, but it does mean that we should
recognize that we fall short of our goal. That is the
beauty of this forum because we learn the most from each
other in the act of communicating with one another, not
in the act of reading the postings. Right, Matilda? :)
From: life
We all have our own journey in life. It is not harsh
to admit that in your own words. It is a sign of being
responsible. IT is when we try to unjustly interfere with
other people's journey in life that we can get into
"trouble". Be true to yourself and try in
earnest to find your path and your purpose for this life.
SOME believe that you only have one life here. If that is
the case, then you only have one chance to get it
"right". Why not take some responsibility for
your life and do the right thing...follow your path. Go
your own journey. Everyone has to whether they are mature
enough to admit it or not. Some have not realized that
yet, and others have realized that but have not found the
right path to complete their journey (they are
"lost"). If you can help others to find there
true path to complete their journey, then probably should
do that (unless it is "wrong"). It is a person
who is ready to follow his true calling to complete his
journey that considers leaving all others behind. This
does not mean that you ignore others, and this does not
mean that you are cruel to others. It means that you know
what it is that you need to do and that is top priority.
In fact, when you follow your true path, you will be a
light to others and will help them to find their true
path without even trying to do so. It is a natural
phenomenon of life.
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